Mormon
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Morons, or members of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints", are members of a "church" invented by Joseph Smith, a horny conman and Freemason, in 1830. The early church (lawlz) grew through charismatic public speeches and fervent missionary work which eventually came to promote polygamy (and pedophilia as a byproduct) as the recruitment drive grew more ferociously fucked up. In a brilliant employment of trolling for his own gain, Joseph realized that the hate brewing against his church would serve to bolster the believers' persecution complex, and feeling persecuted means that you never have to see the truth.
The result is that wherever they are, Mormons have a higher rate of sex crimes, adultery, and teen suicide than the national average.
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[edit] Theology
- Invent crazy story about golden tablets, magic specs, lost tribes, visions of God, etc.
- Convince gullible hicks, thieves and whores that your story is true.
- As cult leader, use story as a pretext to fuck all the nubile, virginal teenage girls you want.
- Get killed by angry mob.
- Resurrection time!
- repeat steps 3 and 4
- ?????
- PROFIT!
[edit] Beliefs
Mormons like to hint that they might be Christians but have major differences in what they believe. Some are more subtle than others, like the ones about blackies.
Mormons believe a Tribe of Jews sailed to the Americas hundreds of years before Christ. Some of these Jews turned into Mexicans for being assholes. After a whole bunch of TL;DR, Christ uses celestial technology to travel from the Middle east to South America, where he teaches the Mexican Jews. Then all the Mexican Jews kill each other except for some guy named Moroni, who walked to upstate New York, to bury the spiritual history of his people.
Other Mormon beliefs include:
- Baptism for the Dead, so you can still Baptize that stubborn father of yours. Mormons trolled Jews worldwide by baptizing Holocaust victims without consent from their families.
- Mandatory Temple work. One of the Rituals called Endowment is where they get those fantastic underpants.
- The Word of Wisdom. This is where the no coffee, alcohol, or tobacco comes from.
- The Second Coming will touch down in the place this whole mess began. The Garden of Eden, in Jackson County Missouri (srsly).
- Temple Passes are necessary to get into Mormon temples and they can only be obtained by wedding a young woman thrice then impregnating her mother AND sister.
In addition to the King James Version of the Bible, Mormons reckon three other books holy writ: the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. The Book of Mormon contains the aforementioned tale of the Mexican Jews (or Mews) . The D&C contains "revelations" proclaimed by Joseph Smith and other church leaders; i.e., the shit they made up as they went along. The Pearl of Great Price is the least tl;dr of the three and by far the most batshit insane -- allegedly translated from a set of ancient Egyptian documents, it discusses, among other things, how God lives on a big-ass distant planet called Kolob.
This video is mostly correct:
Please compare with Raelism.
[edit] Lessons to be Derived from Mormonism
- You cannot kill a religion with a gun, it only comes back with more wives.
- If you forbid your children to date until they are 16, they will be too socially inept to do anything besides get married at 19 (after a 1 month engagement and courtship) and have 14 Mormon babies. Progress!
- It's easy to quit being an alcoholic. Replace those Jell-O shots with Jell-O salad!
- You only get one eternal soul, and it deserves fantastic underpants.
[edit] History
After several failed scams, Joseph Smith struck a home run. Deciding that people believed him enough that he could start fucking with their sex lives, Joseph successfully renewed the Christian tradition of polygamy. Jealous of all the hot Mormon sex going on, and fear of losing their own women to the orgy, hicks began shooting Mormons in retaliation for Mormon's shooting them trying to claim the holy land of Missouri, and the Mormons got kicked out Joseph was eventually killed, and the wagon trains fled to Utah, where they murdered travelers, blamed Indians, and were stuck with Mexicans. Those Indians became white people if they converted and married enough wives but lost the status when they died (see below). Srsly.
Connor, head of the California Volunteers, accurately characterized the Morons of the 1850s as "traitors, murderers, fanatics and whores."
[edit] American Islam
In many ways, Moronism is the closest thing the USA has to a home-grown Islam: both srsly stranger offshoots of Christianity, they spread their beliefs by fightin' round the world during the life of the main profit. Both profits were heavily into loli. Both used promises of loli, polygamy, and winning at violence to recruit low-life. Both claimed better direct lines of conversation with God and more LOLable miracles than Chrestos ever had. Both have holy books with slabs copied from the Bible (directly in the Book of Moron and strange mashups in the other one). Both loved lucre, and relied on getting it from women at crucial times.
They also share big splits over stuff connected to the second profit. Both are designed to guarantee pilgrimage and money for particular cities in the desert. A key difference: the Morons had to build Salt Lake City to draw the rubes but Mohammad only had to promise to keep up Mecca's popularity with religious tourists to get given the place.
[edit] Notable Mormons
Harry Reid (Senate Majority Leader, goddammit--fuck--they're taking over our government!!)
Steve Young
Andy Reid (coach of Philadelphia Eagles)
Mitt Romney
LittleCloud
Ruthie Heyerdahl
Philo Farnsworth, who invented TV
Italjet Moron
Nolan Bushnell, who invented Video Games
Pete Harman, who started KFC
Billy Barty
The Osmonds/Donny & Marie
Michael Snow
The genius behind the spectacular series, Twilight.
The dude who owns Virgin Airlines and Virgin Mobile and all that shiiiit.
Lots of pale, blue-eyed honeys with milk-white skin, braided hair the color of ripe wheat, and child-bearing hips
[edit] Mormon Universities
There are several Mormon-chartered universities, the best-known of which is undoubtedly Brigham Young University. Along with mandatory courses on reformed Egyptian, Urim and Thummim, and One Bad Apple, funky disco dancing is widely practiced by the many cute, round-faced teens with great hair who attend.
[edit] Modern Mormon Culture
In the 1830’s, when men's pants were first tailored with buttons visible down the front of the fly, the Mormon leader Brigham Young discouraged the population from wearing them, calling them “fornication pants.” To this day, Mormons still hate button-fly jeans. Mormons refer to each other as "Brother" or "Sister", which is why black people stay the hell away. The second to last thing black people want to be called by a cracker is "Brotha". Mormon social life centers on the church and family. Men have priesthood responsibilities in and out of the home. Women attend relief society which is basically church-sanctioned gossip hour. Women also participate in home visiting to collect gossip. College age students attend "singles ward", which helps keep those with inquiring minds from making normal friends. This keeps Mormon behavior stable from about 14 until 30 or marriage, whichever comes first. Youth activities include:
- Frottage during NCMO (non-committal make out).
- Watching lame Mormon movies because anything above a PG-13 rating is an abomination.
- STILL quoting Napoleon Dynamite. (Wait, they still do that...? What a bunch of frickin' IIIDiots... wait, fuck!)
- Mormon girls spend all their parents Mexican Jew cash on make up and plastic surgery.
[edit] Stuff They Pwn
- In 2008 the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints had a major coup in mounting a power-play for chairmanship of the Wikimedia Foundation. Their get-out-the-vote campaign among the many Mormon Wikipedians got their man, Michael Snow, an "elder" and former missionary in Germany, elected chairman.
Gallery of Mormon Movies
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[edit] Criticism
[edit] The Hot Spicy Racism
From day one this so-called "true church" (as proclaimed by the members) prohibited nigras from holding the priesthood. This policy wasn't repealed until 1978 over one hundred years after the church was established. Predictably no-one noticed because black people don't get involved in anything that would infringe on the time that could be more gainfully employed stealing televisions and car stereos. Nigrah Morons also had to attend segregated services.
This sensible idea had a bizarre flipside: American Indians were allowed to attend the same services as Whitey, but were supposed to be segregated in the afterlife. They probably had a little trouble attracting Indian members after one of their guys led one of the biggest massacres of Indians in the west and they framed Indians for a massacre of crackers.
Nigrahs apparently got to reach the same afterlife as Whitey, just to give them a chance to keep up the IRL trolling even after the end of IRL.
If the claim "the church is true" is to be believed one must also deduce that God is more racist than ED. Actually, I think God is the most racist motherfucker I've ever met. IT MUST BE TRUE
[edit] Polygamy
Before 1890 the Mormons practiced polygamy, providing a way for men to engage in dirty sex with multiple women simultaneously and still play the upstanding guy.
It's a little known fact that Joseph Smith had 23 wives, who ranged in age from 14 to 60. Eleven were under 20.
The second prophet of the Mormon church Brigham Young was known for his large family that consisted of 27 wives and 57 children.
Some offshoots of the Mormon church who declare themselves "Fundamentalist Mormons" still condone polygamy and are still banging minors today.
[edit] Trolling Mormons IRL
- Tell them that you thought the movie Orgazmo was accurate.
- Go to your local Mormon church on the first Sunday of the month, crash their Fast'N'Testimony Meetin', take the mic, and speak passionately about the doctrine of Cthulhu, and how He is your personal savior.
- Find the Mormon temple near you and go to the visitors center. Flirt with the Mormon azn girl sent to convert you to Mormonism while your girlfriend puts a BIOS password on their genealogy computer. Lulz are sure to ensue.
- Convert to Mormonism, and get an assignment teaching Sunday School to lolis. Bring Pedobear into your curriculum. Lulz and the Party Van guaranteed!
- Join the Mormon Church, tell the local bishop that you never fap so you can get a Temple Recommend (the paper that says you're not a fapper), go to the Temple to do baptisms for teh dead, taek a shit in teh big hot tub they use to summon the dead, and make them Mormons.
- Reconvert Mormons: Passionately tell Mormons you meet that it was the Elohim (an alien civilization) that met Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove. Tell them that the Elohim have selected a new prophet on Earth, named Raël. Tell them you have scientific proof (glowing silver tablets). When in doubt, remember, Mormons are susceptible to gullibility. This method may result in missionaries leaving the mission.
[edit] See Also
- Scientology: because if you can get away with Christ in the Americas, you can get away with volcanoes and H-bombs.
- Raelians, who believe Joseph Smith to have been a prior prophet of the Elohim.
- East High School Salt Lake City for more Mormon teen fun.
- Awesome new religion!!!
[edit] External Links
[edit] Mormons they jus' love massacrin' folk!
- The California Volunteers did this one as stooges of the Morons but were led to the site by a Moron gunman. A surgeon later said it "was instigated without a doubt by the Mormons".
- Shoshone on the massacre
- Massacrin' round the USA: poor whites who warn't Moron this time, the Morons stole everything after righteously murderin' all the people
- Joseph Brigham done it but framed the Paiute Indians for it for a lOOOOOng time.
And that ain't all folks.
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Mormon is part of a series on Trolls. |
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| Mormon is part of a series on Cults. |
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