Music
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Music is the sound that comes out of your radio in between the commercials, that droning noise you hear in elevators and supermarkets, and the blips and bloops in the background of video games. Some people take this shit way too seriously (and most of them are fucking retards). The type of music they upload to their iPod often determines what kind of pussy they go for, what clothes they wear, who they're allowed to make friends with, and even how they speak. But lets be honest here, would you fuck a Juggalo?
Contents |
Music and The Internets
Once upon a time, music was free on the internet. Raping the system via Napster and similar programs, internet users have shaped the way music is marketed and consumed. The industry thinks one day it might succeed at keeping you from downloading illegal music, but it is wrong. Maybe one day they'll give up.
Since 99% of the internet listens to complete shit, you'll find it easy to make the types that everybody else is listening to. By doing this you will make a fortune. Why do you think so many people get in the music business?
Sex, Drugs, ????, Profit! That's Why! Make a shitload of $$$, blowjobs every night, and a feeling of accomplishment.
Some people also use the internet to tell you why their favorite band is better than yours at sites like this. THEY DESERVE DELICIOUS RAEP. YOU MUST GIVE IT TO THEM.
Music before the 1960s
After banging on things and shouting in time with said banging got boring, music slowly evolved to include instruments, structure and lyrical meaning. Back in the day musicians were hobos, getting paid to travel around and make shit up to entertain passerby. Eventually music was looked at as an art form, instead of just a good way to remember ridiculous stories about God or the king.
Classical Music is usually associated with that bullshit with way too many instruments, played by aspies in tuxedos. While certainly the most popular form of Classical music, instrumentals with violins and tubas aren't the only type. Opera is also quite poplar among NPR listening liberals and arrogant Harvard educated elitists. Choral music, also known as A Capella, is easily recognized due to its prominence at Christmas, in churches, and Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?.
This genre of music is demanding on its musicians, requiring personal sacrifices up to and including castration. srsly. Naturally azns are drawn to it.
Blues music started when ex-slaves' fingers healed up from all that pickin'. Quickly tiring of massa's God songs, they decided to start using shitty home made instruments to write songs about why being a nigger fux0r sux0rz. Oddly enough, whenever blacks complain artistically, white people take the idea, water it down, and make millions. In the case of blues, rednecks have replaced champagne and reefer with Busch Beer and Crystal meth, creating Zydeco. Read on for MOAR of this trend.
Jazz is also Darkie music. In a more calculated effort, drug addled musicians began making classical music that makes 16 year old girls want to fuck due to its upbeat tempos and "swinging" style of play. Whites couldn't handle all the sexy dancing going on and stole the genre to make Big Band and eventually Smooth Jazz, God help us.
The Whitebread effort of the day is what we call Country Western music. Evolving from the Drunken Irish whining happening in the Appalachian valley in the 20th century it borrowed from the Bluegrass folk music of the time and stole a bit from Blues as well. In the beginning it started off about wanting to be drunk and get into trouble, but quickly evolved to celebrate U.S. southern white trash culture.
Folk music is the simple traditional music of any culture, folk music has become the soap box for every bleeding heart to spray their ideals at the public. Usually played on an acoustic guitar, or some other non-electronic instrument, because hippies can't afford that shit, and you can't force pedestrians to listen if you're locked up at home.
In the 1950s musicians started blending these genres together, naming it Rock n' Roll, which is a double entente for fucking. While this genre was initially pretty harmless, it's always been weird. Just look at Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis. As the weirdness amplified itself, so did anti-social behaviors such as indiscriminate drug-fueled orgies, which brings us to the turning point...
Classic Hits of The 60s, 70s and 80s
Rock swelled into the mainstream with The Beatles who started hanging out with the beatniks and potheads. This is about the time that Chuck Berry shit had to go. The hair got longer, the clothes came off faster, and showers were being had less and less often. Suddenly the Vietnam War broke out, and Rock and Roll music began to scare white middle class Americans.
In the meantime, in industrial black cities like Detroit, black musicians decided to give real artistic integrity just one more shot before giving in to whitey. They called it Motown after Detroit, and was just popped up jazz singing, usually about fucking. Motown began to fizzle out, and Funk took its place. Funk is all about being a coked up nigger with bass guitar skills. Jamaicans with better access to weed than heroin turned Motown into Ska, which became popular in England and in The OC in the 90s. Watching the rise of rock while constantly high drove ska musicians to create Reggae.
Those scared white people we were talking about earlier started to get bored of Teen Angel, so they took elements of Motown and Funk, added a dance beat, and Disco was born. Funk and Disco festered throughout the whole 1970s, while Rock went from Hippy political bullshit to heavy nerd songs about lightning and dragons. Electronic music was also starting to gain a following with left overs from the beat era.
In the late 70s Elvis died and shitty drunk kids started being assholes on stage as an ad campaign for new trousers. Punk Rock caught western societies apathetic youth and taught them how to drink and fight. While initially pretty "cute", Punk Rock turned into an international trolling contest. Metal took Punk intensity and heavy riffs from bands like Black Sabbath, played at 33⅓ rather than 78 RPM. Eventually people started screaming lyrics about cutting babies out of cunts, and maggot filled eyeballs. Rock during this period was being played by massively flaming faggots with gigantic fucking hair and retarded electronic synthesizers.
The Last 25 years
Hip-Hop
Hip-hop started in New York in the 1970s when niggas got sick of trying to come up with original content and started stealing the drum breaks out of dance songs. MCs make fun of the crowd and talk themselves up over the shitty patchwork "music", until two MC's eventually get in a flame war with each other. Crews be called out, niggas be makin dey Mama's cry. Same shit different decade. The current rap feud is because Ice T told Soulja Boy to suck a dick. If rap artists didn't pull this "war" shit every few months, sales would drop and they wouldn't have any cash to pay those lovely big-assed niggettes.
Rap battle translated to English.
Rock
The music scene in the 80s made lots of British teenagers horribly depressed, who all decided to wear heavy eye liner and read vampire books. Goth music would turn into Shoegaze. so aptly named for their zombiesque stage presence. Eventually people started calling this music Indie. Bands like Pavement were too pussy for fans of mainstream hard rock, which was called Grunge at this point. Indie remains somewhat underground, but advertised mercilessly by Scenefags who think they have 1337 musical taste.
Grunge had American teenagers looking homeless on purpose until Nirvana took itself out with a shotgun. As we all watched bands like Stone Temple Pilots and Alice in Chains burn out, Rock started to get really queer. Britpop bands like Oasis ushered in a wave of faggy Alternative Rock. This is the Rock Genres present form, with bands like Coldplay, Snowpatrol and some dancy bullshit topping the Rock Charts. Just like everything else in Asia, the Japanese have turned rock into a complete cartoon. J-Rock is played by gothic traps that look like they popped right out of FFXIII, and J-pop is sugar flavored electronica blasted over 11 year old azn moonspeak.
Electronic
Electronic or Techno music started in the late 70s when a bunch of blissed out fags from Chicago started fucking with disco tape loops and turntables, just like the Hip-hop kids. These guys had way better drugs though, and House came to be. Meanwhile, at the same time over in Europe, some nerds like Giorgio Moroder & the members of Telex decided to take electronic synthesizers & make entire disco songs out of them, usually with a conventional drum kit for the beat. While fans of this music will claim that the differences between electronic genres are vast, it is obviously a lie, except maybe for electronic disco. Trance, Drum and Bass, Happy Hardcore ect. ect. are all just bass-heavy samples, with someone speaking ambiguously about God and Sex over the track for Raver candy asses to listen to while rolling in Ibiza. Goths listen to electronic called Industrial, but if you've ever used power tools, you've heard what that sounds like. If subtlety is your kind of thing check out Ishkur's Guide to Electronic Music, and you'll know so much about it your damn brain will explode.
Punk and Metal
As mentioned before, Punk Rock was really about being drunk and bloody, but eventually it turned into a bunch of city based cliques who brawled constantly over THE QUESTION: Who were real punks FIRST????? Punk split into Hardcore, Pop Punk, Street Punk and Rockabilly. The Rockabilly kids really all just want to be the otaku version of Johnny Cash, Street Punks are the mental midgets you see with the stinking awful hair and dumb jackets, the Pop kids just was to slap some skin, and the Hardcore kids are too mad to engage in intercourse with out screaming about The System.
Nu-Metal took the abysmal hip hip movement and fused it with metal, thus creating bands like KoRn, System of a Down, and Slipknot. Known for being fast-slow-fast and really downtrodden, Nu-metal may be the most famous misspelled kind of music. It's NEW. Dumbass...
Punk influenced and intermixed with Metal, which like Techno, has over 9,000 different sub-genres that all sound the same. The aim is to scream like you are dealing or being dealt the worst pain ever, over incredibly slow or fast Doom riffs. Remember Death Metal and similar genres scream low, and Black Metal scream high. "Hardcore" metal just has pussy-ass toneless shrieking that makes the singer sound like his penis is being pulled off, and is instrumental in the birth of our final, and most hated genre:
Quality music. You can understand the lyrics.
Emo
Emo was born from the unholy union between Hardcore Metal and Indie Rock. It was originally short for "Emotional Hardcore", which even the original bands thought was pussy, but has since then come to describe the faggot obsessed culture of whiners coming out of the worlds suburbs. Emo went from being a screamy punk genre, to being a faggy pop fad like shoegaze, to turning into a subculture, which conveniently came with its own store in the mall. While this subculture deserves all the hate thrown at it, Emo has also become the catch all phrase used by confounded Jocks to describe any music played by a fashionable hair cut. The whole thing is so fucking over the top on both sides, it's even got regular Joes like you and me depressed, and that's a problem.
Popular Music Making Programs
Sibelius - Program named after some old fuck and used by people who appreciate classical music. Comes with hundreds of instruments that have a grand total of about seven different sounds. To break trends in computer software, each version of this program gets progressively worse.
FL Studio - Very good choice. All you have to do is work with the 4 starting sound channels until you have what some of us call a "rhythm". Used by the techno junkies and electronica nerds
GarageBand - The popular choice. Used by 13 year old boys all around the world. Allows you to make shit songs in minutes that people will actually buy.
ProTools - Warning: This feature is for advanced users only.
Reason - Better than FL Studio. Reason is exclusively for electronic music and has no way to record external inputs and therefore fails at any other genres. Known to be too confusing for the average user.
Mario Paint - This is quickly becoming the favorite choice, especially on YouTube. You can make some incredible songs with this. People will pay millions for this top-of-the-line software. But of course, it gets quite repetitive.
Gameboy Camera - Another favorite choice! Some device with a HAL 9000 head looking peice of shit that connects to your gameboy. You can also take pictures of yourself (and put it on the homo dj you make music with) and upload them to myspace and add some real high contrast drama with it. ...Did i mention it has a dancing mario on the title screen?
Modplug Tracker - Pretend you're in the late 1980s making music on an Amiga computer, except you're using windows.
Ableton Live - Popular amongst DJs who can't beatmatch or use vinyl. Can use all the plugins you've pirated from BitTorrent but crashes on a regular basis when this is attempted.
Audacity - For idiots that can't operate the above programs and are way too cheap to buy something decent. With this you can use the shitty ass effects and most importantly white noise to make your music sound scary and trippy like the equally shitty i-doser!
ACID Pro - Like the bastard child of Ableton and GarageBand, except it came first, and twice as hard to make VSTs work right. Good for looping the same shitty 1 minute track for dozens of hours, days, weeks, etc., etc.
Cakewalk Sonar - The best. This underrated software does everything including sucking and fucking me. Steal it off a torrent site now!
How To Form a Band
- Buy your first guitar and tiny amp from your local pawn shop for no more than $50.
- Learn to play the power chords from "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. Completely fuck up the timing.
- Play it, and a few other super-easy songs that you learned from incorrect tabs on Ultimate Guitar over and over and over and over.
- Play the first 20 seconds of "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple in front of your friends.
- Think you are amazingly good because your friends praise you, when in reality, they only think you're good because they've never seen someone play a guitar in real life before.
- Find a drummer with a chin-length mop for hair at your middle school and get him to start a totally awesome/sweet band with you.
- Let his bass-playing friend join your band even though you've never seen him before and he only knows how to play one string.
- Buy a karaoke microphone from Radio Shack and start singing hideously off-key into it.
- Practice every other Saturday in mop-top's garage. Be sure to never learn anything more complex or interesting than Metallica's "Enter Sandman".
- Think your band rocks the house because you're kinda able to play "Animals" by Nickelback and you only fuck up thirteen or fourteen dozen times.
- Try to think up some generic name for your band.
- Decide on Plastic Cock, and use a rubber chicken as your band logo.
- Play at your school's annual battle of the bands travesty, up against the goth kids' band Everlasting Eternia Agony, the raver kid's band Ecstasy, and the punk kids' band Fuck The System.
- Win the contest because all the other bands played songs that they wrote, and you played a cover of "Beverly Hills" by Weezer and the judges like that song.
For a list of musical groups, please see Category:music.
|
Music is part of a series on Music |
||
