Rap

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Eazy E invented gangsta rap. He also died of AIDS.

Rap (moar like CRap amirite?) is music made by blacks for the hip black community. Ironically (thanks to MTV), wiggers, mexicans, and azns, make up the majority of Rap fans. Rap is the only form of black music that hasn't been taken over and revamped by the white middle class, as "artists" like Eminem are merely grease stains in a big, black ocean.

1 Terrorists of Popular Music
2 Rap and Hip Hop
3 Lifestyle
4 Clothing
5 Hating Rap
6 What makes a "rapper"
7 What classifies as a rap song?
8 Creation of a Hip-Hop Song
9 Music Videos
10 Gallery
11 See also

[edit] Terrorists of Popular Music

From Tupac's music video, "Ambition Az A Ridah"

Black people have always dominated the charts in one way or another. At least 100 years ago, blacks started to write their own songs and record music, and from the very get-go their stuff sounded better than anything a white person could make. Today is no different, however now black people don't even bother with instruments like guitars or saxophones, and instead use cheap ass, outdated samplers and drum machines stolen from local pawn shop's and decent white folk. Even with shitty equipment like this, and low quality record production, they act like they have money, women, cars, and everything. One thing they will never have though: talent.

[edit] Rap and Hip Hop

Ice Cube raps about the struggle of the black man against the oppression of whitey

Rap's politically correct 'brother', hip hop was also rap's negligent parent. Although primarily considered by adherents to be a 'lifestyle' and/or movement hip hop purports to include 'music' (rap), fashion, "art", and dance. As a musical genre, Hip Hop is supposedly more thoughtful, conscious and 'cleaner' than Rap and thus tl;dr and shit nobody cares about since it promotes such ludicrous ideals as black pride, respect for the black woman and non-violence whist it denounces such things as black-on-black violence, using the "igger" word calling women "bitches" and all the other stereotypical trappings of the gangsta rapper's 'ghetto nigger' lifestyle.

Most hip hop 'artists' consider themselves to be more educated, enlightened and 'advanced' than other rappers and look down upon their gun-toting brethren (who sell more records in one day that they do in a career). Many black hip hoppers have also converted to Islam and take Arabic names to show-off their piety. 99.9% of them are hypocrites however and enjoy smoking blunts, drinking Cosmopolitans and having sex with anything that moves whilst eating bacon sandwiches laced with Extacy when the opportunity arises.

Real Hip-Hop.

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Typical East Coast Freestyler. FTW

[edit] Lifestyle

Hip-hop artists smoke crack simply because they want to get the least amount of sleep as possible to throw house parties that can last as long as 42 days. The bikini-clad black women who strip and dance for them were originally honor roll students at college, but were kidnapped and brainwashed and are now permanent prisoners in the mansions of the hip-hop artists. Their parents can't get them back because the record labels pay them off with gift certificates to KFC. Hip-hop artists own 12 luxury cars, not to drive, but to have around just for the sake of their pathetic image.

[edit] Clothing

One of the greatest rappers of all time

Hip-hop also refers to specific styles of apparel. Usually it consists of baggy brown sweat pants, a 25-pound matching hooded sweatshirt, brown boots, fake jewelry, and the ape inside of all of it (see right). Wiggers can wear this, but their typical attire is dark and nylon with blue flames and a crappy-looking dragon on the back.

[edit] Hating Rap

Many people think that rap is the new fad. It was, for a while. But now hating rap is the new fad. Many emo teenagers have taken to hating rap in the quest to be different, thus invariably becoming the majority themselves. This can be seen in the signatures of many people on internet forums (92% of Teens have moved on to rap if you are one of the 8% who listen to real music copy this in your signature). The irony is that they think that their emo songs are any better.

[edit] What makes a "rapper"

Although the media makes him out to be one, Paul Wall is NOT a rapper.

One of the more hardcore artists in the genre

According to CNN, many rappers are African-American!
An extensive criminal record
Dark skin color (Acceptable range: #CD853F to #000000)
An annoying/deep voice, it helps if you can sound like you perpetually have a mouthful of oatmeal
10,000 tattoos
Bad grammar and/or words that are hip phonetic misspellings of common words contained within your name. Examples: Dawg/Dogg/dawgggwgg, Phat, E-Z, Busta, etc.
A gang and/or group of other "Rappers"
Acting like you can beat the shit out of absolutely anyone
The ability to brag about getting shot over 9000 times and surviving
Claiming to have a dick over 14 inches long
Wearing a color schemed sports outfit
Being from the da Hood or the projects
Having a "grill" filled with golden teeth
Driving an SUV, even though the most rugged terrain it will traverse is a pothole
Wearing gold everything around your neck - gold clock, gold Mercedes hood ornament, gold chains (the technical dexterity of the rapper is proportionate to the cm^3 of gold around his neck)
Trash talking about other rappers and then getting shot, and then doing it again because you're a dumbass.
And absolutely under no circumstances can you use a time signature other than 4/4.
Growing up on the streets
Talk street

[edit] What classifies as a rap song?

Soulja Boy, your typical one hit wonder rap artist. Remember Sysco? Of course you don't.

For a song to classify as rap, one must be able to identify most or all of the following elements:

A list of felonies
Ebonics
Swearing every other line
The word "Yeah" repeated over 9,000 times; any less, and it's not rap
Even though not in concert, you must use phrases that refer to you being in an actual concert, such as "Put ya' hands in da' air"
Lyrics or titles containing the pseudomorph "Da", as in, "Da Cops was Aksin' Me!"
Multiple references to some sort of "hood"
Lyrics about raping white women in KFC (they were asking for it which is always the case)
The word "Nigga" repeated over 9,001 times; and, as before, any less is not rap
Muthafucka and fuck have to be said 1337 times or it is not rap
Police sirens
Singing about hard times
Basic Rhymes
Stealing other people's work and mix it in with random sounds
Having at least 100 horny women with big asses in the video
The story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down.
If its modern rap, have a Roland Drum machine that do a beat sample played at a bat-shit crazy tempo, and then say how you're tired of using technology.
A dance that involves being so low to the ground that you get trampled by a retard that is doing it wrong.
Gibberish
No singing. Just talk as if you were talking to yourself when nobody's around to hear it.

          Rules of rap

1. All rap songs are ripoffs of other songs.
2. Retards. Attempting. Poetry.
3. Filler
4. All white rappers suck, no exceptions
5. Originality is bad
6. If your not gangster, you don't belong.
7. Sing about bitches, even if the only woman you know is your mom.

[edit] Creation of a Hip-Hop Song

This must be the fabled "hood" that is spoken so much about in rap.

SUP DAWG

First a music producer goofs around on a cheap Casio keyboard. You know, the kind you could pick up for five bucks at a flea market and has old leaked batteries inside of it and sticky juice-stained keys. Around 45 seconds later, the proper beat and tempo is found. Then the artist starts rapping some half-assed poetry about his clothes, slutty women shaking their stinky asses, lame double-endantres, acting like a total moron at a club, and his watermelon harvest. The producer may add in a sampled melody of some unpopular Alan Parsons Project song. And that's how a hip-hop song is made. If that's too advanced for you, we here at ED have created a handy guide:

First, you must create a TOTALLY PIMPED-OUT and preferably illogical pseudonym because regular old names are too boring for today’s X-TREME generation (also applies to black metal, only you replace "pimped-out" with "evil").
You must write songs about highly innovative and original topics such as sex, drugs, violence, money, women, and nightclubs to establish yourself as a totally unique individual because those topics have never been written about before or even discussed for that matter. Remember, nobody likes a poseur! Also make sure to be sexist and racist towards white people.
When you write a song, go for style and not substance! Make sure you rhyme as many times as you can. Don’t worry about sacrificing the coherence of your message to all your forced rhyming; there’s no substitute for kool!!! In fact, the more incoherent your song is, the better. See Riding Dirty for inspiration! Also curse a lot. Make sure to say fuck, shit, bitch, hoe, nigga, ass, dick, pussy, piss or muthafucka every other line. You are trying WAY too hard if the chorus of your song contains more than 5 different words.
Make sure to repeatedly lace your lyrics with random vocal interjections such as “uh-huh,” “yeah,” “das right,” and most recently "ballin" to remind everyone that you’re totally off the hook. Of course, these meaningless vocal spasms of shite do not serve to the fill the void when you can’t think of more substantial things to rap about...
Don't even bother about singing because that takes talent and effort. Just talk in somewhat of a rhythm—occasionally. Speak normally the rest of the time. Make certain that you butcher the English language as much as you can. Never speak correctly. That's not being totally pimp, yo!!!
Turn on the radio to a rock station. Listen for a catchy guitar riff and record it. Synthesize it, and alter it slightly. Loop it about 100 times and you have your VERY OWN, NON-PLAGIARIZED RAP SONG! Next, drop random samples of police sirens and loading guns to show everyone that you're a bad-ass rebel. Then give yourself a cookie.
Sit on your lazy, narcissistic ass and let other people who are more talented than you mix the CD.
Put a picture of a hot woman on your CD cover to compensate for your lack of hot women in the real world. Also, do it to boost the sales of your CD because you know your shit sucks, and is hence likely to attract the sort of crowd liable to use it for a cheap wank.
????
PROFIT!

PROTIP: It is impossible for a rap "song" to be by just one rapper. It's a little known fact that every rap song features at least 100 other rappers, most of whom are unknown. In fact, the majority of every rap CD isn't the actual rapper.

[edit] Music Videos

Every rap video ever

If the song is about love (e.g. "I love da way you shake dat ass" in the chorus), then the music video will include scenes of the rapper in question cheating on his girlfriend and then winning her back by giving her a new necklace or diamond ring or something similar. These scenes will be, of course, intercut with clips of the rapper and his "crew" sitting in a hot tub with bikini-clad women.

Britfags rapping

Example of a Platinum selling rap artist.

The Quintessential Rap Video

Whitey Fails It

Australians Fails It

Nothing is cooler than rapping to a webcam

[edit] Gallery

This guy raps about his longing for buttsechs with other dudes	Thug life Obama	Your average rap fan.	The proper way to enjoy rap music
This man still has the best selling rap album of all time.	Thizz in peace	the typical response of rap fans after being trolled. note the marvelous, intellectual and beautiful creative use of the English language.	rap music makes you proficient and intellectual in the English language!