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NeoPets

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Reading this article may turn you into a furry. Please resist the temptation.

They're watching you masturbate

Not all them are that cute

Upon learning that his death sentence was to be upheld, Saddam set his priorities straight.

When neopets owners around the world are awakened to the Internet

Typical post on the neoboards.

The funnest game evar. Spell check...isn't that what we have Notepad for?

Neopets is that thing your one really retarded friend is into. Using Nikola Tesla's anal rotation device, it was developed by the Church of Scientology because they decided their normal nerdy religion wasn't bizzare and mind-fucking enough to recruit severe basement-dwellers. It is played almost exclusively by 16 year old girls, 8 year old girls, Stalin, pedophiles, furries, autistic people, rapists and your retarded friend. It's no coincidence that every single Neopet looks like some rectally induced confectionery concealed in a bag of shit. Neopets also has a Nazi like attitude and you can get your account frozen for no reason.

It is similar in both concept and brief but intense and inexplicably popular among dumbass kids as Pokemon, but instead of being a shitty gameboy game, it's a shitty Geocities-quality advertisement for McDonalds, and instead of cockbattling monsters, you buy them combs and shit, which are actually just GIF files. Why can't people just go read a good book or something?

When not bombarding kids with ads for eBay, sugary cereal, fast food, cartoons, Neopets merchandising, and porn, it is subliminally recruiting them to serve our alien overlords to help them exorcise our Thetans and live in peace on planet Xenu.

They will also suck your money from you at a cost of $8 a month, or $70 a year, to help get rid of ads, but they shall continue to advertise themselves on TV, therefore disowning their own pledge to their players, turning into nasty, cock-sucking, money-hungry bitches.

In addition, they freeze for even the most ridiculous reasons, i.e. existing, when they posted images of nude faeries and have ads on every inch of the page for porn and dating sites. (Isn't dating against the rules? Guess not.)

1 Care
2 Characters
3 NeoBoards
4 Connection to the Church of Scientology
5 gallery of failAIDs
6 External links

[edit] Care

Neopets, unlike real pets and children, need to be fed and taken care of (sort of... they can stay "dying of hunger" forever, unfortunately). This is true even beyond the grave, so when writing a suicide note, make sure that you include instructions for how to care for your Neopets. Be an hero like Charceo, and tell your bff to take care of your Neopets before killing yourself. That way, even if you're just kidding like Charceo, people will know what an hero you were.

Neopets recently became 5X more awesome (read: barely considerable to play) when it became a Net Authority violator on utter bullshit charges (read: nothing), thus completely stripping Net Authority of its last vestiges of credibility.

[edit] Characters

Artist for this website are actually hired to draw all types of hero and villian characters for plots that the users can interact in, trading cards, shopkeepers for shops, etc.

The artists unknowingly cause themselves uber loss of dignity with the shit they draw and call 'art'.

The "villians" aren't really villians at all. Perhaps it's the large eyes or the furry face. No, that couln't possibly be the reason why they aren't considered scary or threatening, amirite? With villianous names such as "Sloth", fear should strike your heart instantly. After all, what could be scarier than some guy trying to take over the world and failing miserably? He was DOING IT WRONG.

The "heroes" (not to be confused with an heroes) are really just nothing more than fuzzy sword-wielding animals on two legs. Your mom would like nothing more than to be saved by a furry dude wearing shiny armor and riding a horsey. Because that is OMFGHOTT!!!!!1111

[edit] NeoBoards

Being 13 is scary, but rewarding!

The NeoBoards are split into different sections including:

Fan Clubs, filled with 8 year old girls asking for 20 year old boys, reverse traps, scenesters, celeb impostors, and elitists everyone forgot called the FC Decepticons.

Merchandising, where 16 year old girls can talk about their over-priced made-in-china plushie they bought at Limited Too.

Neopets Trading Card Game, filled with animu geeks that got tired of their Pokemon and Yu-Gay-Oh! cards and decided to invest in cards with pictures of colorful anthro pixel pets and items with made-up names

Games, where people well over 18 come to complain about how they got unjustly frozen for cheating and many other things, and fags go to gloat about their newest obviously cheated trophy.

Help, filled with virgins who care about neopets.

Newbies, the scum of the boards who have donated six million threads about High School Musical, Inuyasha and its related ilk, rape, boys, puberty, AIM, ghost stories, and other random crap.

RP, which is full of Inuyasha, fangirls, High School (Not High School Musical, but actual high school.), fags, along with vampire or teens-injected-with-animal-DNA roleplays involving Mary-Sue characters created by emo fags with no originality. These "original" characters tend to be "goffic" or "badass" due to their trenchcoats and/or combat boots. Typical descriptions for said character contain unnecessary details about this person's past and how they angst about being almost raped during their childhood. Don't be surprised if lyrics from shit bands such as My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park appear in the posts to somehow describe just how emo or troubled the character is.

The Neopian Writers, whose inhabitants are either pompous, Grammar Nazi control freaks, stupid lolcows who want their work "seriously critiqued", and trolls. It is 98% trolls. Also, there is no such thing as spam. THE NW IS ON TOPIC. The sad thing is that some of these people are actually talented writers, but choose to waste their talent writing fics about their pets or some of Neopets' many gay characters.

Virtupets, teeming with people like you who've got nothing better to do than to eat Pocky in front of your computer while stalking the boards in search of an interesting topic.

A pile of shit has a rarity of at least 100

If one's post about what they should name their purple pixel cat is to be taken seriously, your NeoPets account must be over five months old (or around that, Neopet players are so fucking fickle). This way, all the other users know you are not a 'n00b' and can rest assured that you will not hesitate to flood their inboxes with requests for Neopoints and paint brushes bcuz dats soooo annoying omg. On NeoPets, the longer you've been playing a children's game about virtual furries, the higher 'status' you attain in eyes of fellow Neopians. For example, on a board that's topic is which is the better band (let's say Fallout Boy or The Arcade Fire), the poster with the oldest account automatically ends the argument by posting their opinion on the matter (u all svck, death cab 4 cutie rools!11!). Some boards offer prizes to the poster with the oldest account. There is even an entire fucking webpage listing active Neopet users who's accounts are the oldest (over six years, Jesus Christ). Playing an online game for over six years where you can dress up your rainbow colored, talking dragon in pink dresses is really something to be proud of and something everyone should strive for.

Typically, the older accounts belong to people well over 18. These users are not afraid to voice their age on their profiles so the 12-year old users give them RESPECT. Why the fuck anyone over 10 would be playing such a game makes no logical sense, but for a 31-year old mothers of two? LOL WUT? Get a job.

[edit] Notable NW-ers

Privatelygothic, loli and lolcow
Vaspim, already pissed off that he is put second

[edit] Notable OW-ers

Carter, l33t spammer and /b/tard, who's been frozen over 200 times. Was responsible for waiting "up to 30 sceonds to post" because of his programs.

TJ, the undisputed king. Is a big pedophile.

[edit] Notable FC-ers

Noone, since the FC is filled with rejects from Gaia who think they're the shit for knowing about 4chan.

[edit] Notable Gay-mers

akashic, who wasted years of his life playing over nine thousand games of Yooyuball, and got frozen for posting Porn.
Ben "The Cheat" TC, who gets frozen at least 100 times a month.
garmfay, who keeps a page about cheat codes for games.
Sydney, Pfeekin, who spams the role playing board with ghey neopets sex and gets frozen twice a week.

[edit] Jelly World

Lol wut? (flame wars explode resulting in permanently frozen account)

[edit] Trolling

It should be known that the Neopets boards are arguably the best place for a young, aspiring troll to train, considering the amount of young, inexperienced internet users on the site. Trolls need to take extra special care when wording their topics, since the moderators have a penchant for banning everyone and anything. Meaning, the use of euphemisms in your copypasta is a must. It is easy to troll the common folk of the site, but remember: to truly get EPIC lulz, persistance is key. Just don't get your ass banned unless it's called for, 'cause where's the fun in that?

[edit] Connection to the Church of Scientology

Nobody knows what exactly Scientologists plan on doing with Neopets.com. Doug Donut, total Scientologist tool and owner of Neopets, says,

“	Mr. Hubbard's organizational concepts are always with me to the point where virtually every aspect of running my companies involves the use of his administrative technology.	„
—[1]

In other words, he recognizes L. Ron's ingenious business strategy of making people think they need to buy at least 100 different pieces of shit in order to make themselves happy. The only difference is L. Ron did this with adults and Doug Donut did this with 9 year old girls.

Neopets hasn't targeted their weak minded adherents to join the church yet, however conversion to Scientology is mandatory for Neopets employees if they wanted to be promoted[2] .

“	The negative aspects of NeoPets, all came from the side of Scientology-Oriented business structure/psyche. From the very get-go, any employee who applies for a job, will be faced with a couple of personality screening tests. I shit you not, I had a more comfortable time with my SAT's in high school! A lot of people make fun of Scientologists in an ignorant sort of way; they don't really know what goes on behind the curtains, but I assure you, it's not pretty. In hindsight, it's a little ironic that many of the execs are part of the cult, and many fledglings didn;t seem to get promoted to that level without first converting (this was the case while I was there).	„
—Former NeoPets slave