New age
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
New Age refers to a hippy subculture consisting of self-hating pagans, believing good vibes can cure cancer and technology is to blame for society's shortcomings. It is common knowledge that New Agers have eaten way too many LSDs and can be found constantly fapping over the coming of 2012. Just as wiggers want to be black, new-age hippies want to be Indians, dot or feather, don't matter.
Recent studies have discovered that new-agers are the leading cause of death for Andy Kaufman.
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Beliefs
The term "New Age" refers to the completely ambiguous time of change from the current (?) age of Pisces into the next age, the Age of Aquarius. Don't worry your little head about the fact that no one can even agree when this transition will happen, everyone is sure it is pretty damn soon. After this change, New Agers expect the world to be full of "love and light", and humanity as a whole will have ascended to a higher consciousness.
Nearly every thing New Agers believe in involves, this "love and light". All other matters of faith are left up to the individual. Since New Agers can literally believe anything they want, (and do), there is no standard belief system. However, most New Agers cling to bullshit metaphysics, outdated pseudoscience, and cross cultural mysticism. Most practitioners will choose some "ancient" belief system, add the prefix "Neo" (e.i. Neo-Druidism), and mix and match ANYTHING else into the mix. Also, there are plenty of vampire wannabees and other gothic/otherkin cliques
"Magick"
Note the "k", it denotes batshit crazy. New Agers frequently use this spelling to separate Magicians illusions from their silly rituals. The most common magic beliefs usually include the idea that supernatural power exists, and humans are born with a latent capability to manipulate these powers. This power is frequently called pranha, mana, chi, or some other bullshit they've stolen from the lunatics of the past. Most New Agers will claim they don't believe in Harry Potter-style magic and witchcraft, but it is quite obvious that they secretly wish to themselves that it is real. Aleister Crowley is the modern hero of these types of people, but who honestly looks up to a narcissistic bisexual opium addict? Wiccans believe their "magick tradition" is ancient, but its all made up bullshit, usually involving pentagrams and knives. Other magical beliefs include crystal power, Pyramids, Kabbala, Sacred Geometry, Tarot cards, and psychic powers.
Nature worship
Since Nature is supposedly the source of "magic powers", Nature tends to be what New Agers are actually worshiping, regardless of what ever name they attach to it. Vegetarians, vegans, and other environmental jerkoffs can be seen at any New Age gathering, unfortunately, usually in the nude. "But wait, I like naked people." you may be saying to yourself. Ask yourself again if you are ever surrounded by a horned up Wooks all fucked up on LSD dancing under the summer sun.
Spiritual Sex
Spiritual Sex is also pretty damn common among these smelly wooks, but the variety of ways in which it manifests itself is staggering. A look at some highlights:
- O.T.O - This is one of Aleister Crowley's surviving sex magick cults. They actually practice magick rituals involving sex, sometimes in groups when the magick requires that special over 9,000 treatment.
- Raelians - An aliens and volcanoes cult. They don't believe in God and deduce that since our bodies are built for pleasure, we should all just fuck.
- SUMMUM' - Believe that masturbating is holy. Especially in pyramids, drunk on magick wine, chilling out with mummies. Yes, mummies. These special people will mummify you or your beloved pets after passing for a substantial fee.
- Indian Mystics - Kama sutra, Tantric Sex, and Tibetan holistic sex. All ways of working at sex a whole lot harder with the benefit of making it less fun. Awesome.
Alternative Medicine
For a full breakdown see this page
Do yourself a big favor, go to your medicine cabinet and throw everything away. In order to expel the western demons from our lifeforce it is important that we move away from the so-called "conventional healing" practices of modern medicine and return to a more natural mode of healing using crystals and goat semen. In order to heal yourself psychically you must imagine yourself standing on an invisible desert, and you are surrounded by beings. Now take this idea and concentrate it into a color.
What color is the color? This is the color of your healing aura, that you must let pass through your lifeforce in order to rid yourself of the disease. Your disease is merely an idea, and it is a part of you. You must overcome your own fears and embrace the truth that your disease is an idea, and you can change it with dream therapy and a healthy diet of white willow and cherry roots. Gaia willing you should recover within two to three weeks.
Do lots of drugs, but not their drugs. Do the Earth's drugs. If LSD or mushrooms can't fix it, nothing will. If your really serious about getting healthy enough to be immortal, you should probably digest nothing but lemonade with maple syrup (grade b!!} and cayenne pepper. Better yet, you should stop eating completely. Our bodies were obviously built to subsist on nothing but Love and Light anyway.
Aliens
Alien conspiracies are also quite common among New Agers, or any other religion made up in the last 80 years for that matter. The aforementioned Raelians believe that we were created by Japanese looking aliens, and they are ready to come back for us. The embassy is already built! According to some, aliens were supposed to make there existence absolutely known in an orgy of love and light (and riots and chaos) on 10/14/08, but as you may have guessed, they were wrong.
How to Identify New Agers
If you suspect someone of any of these symptoms, back away slowly and don't make eye contact:
- Behavior resembling that of a Menstrual painting lesbian.
- Displaying ANY pentagram.
- Dreadlocks, sandal tan, or any other evidence of being homeless on purpose.
- More than a casual fanship of Tool or music involving pan flutes and drugged out moaning.
- Paisley Print clothing
- An overabundance of Purple.
- Avoid any conversations including "The Goddess", Tarot cards, Past lives, or Drum circles.
See Also
External Links
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Age Edited by New Agers to keep toxins out.
- http://community.livejournal.com/newage/
- http://www.cosmeta.com/ New Age forum
- http://www.new-age-spirituality.com/ Eye-burning New Age info
| New age is part of a series on Cults. |
