New Zealand
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
New Zealand, Maoriland, or Australia's Bitch, is a small country that some argue to be a state of Australia, when it is in fact a pocket dimension. Scientists are also increasingly supporting the theory that NZ is in fact a crossbreed between Australia, Wales and lands of the Otherkin. However, since the average Americunt struggles to identify America on a world map, their chances of identifying New Zealand are next to none, leading some to question whether anyone gives a fuck. This was further reinforced upon the removal of New Zealand from more recently published world maps, which was expected to cause much controversy, but it turned out that either nobody noticed or nobody cared.
There are more sheep than people there, a fact which those inclined towards bestiality take full advantage of.
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[edit] History
Widely renowned as the "Land of the Long White Flock", NZ is a country home to people so incredibly banal that the two islands that make up its main landmass are named "North Island", and "South Island". In the early 1900s New Zealand scientists invented a way to avoid being involved in international concerns - a chronogometre. Ingeniously utilizing the metric system, and banning nuclear power, scientists managed to force New Zealand's geographic location to appear twelve hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time. This put them on the cutting edge of history, and has resulted in futurific inventions such as the disposable syringe, electric fencing, and animal themed housing. Top shit!
In the future, slurpees are known as "slushies", and the 7-11s from which they are purchased are called "Starmarts". Each Starmart only offers two flavours of slushy, and these are chosen entirely on the basis of which batch of syrup was about to expire.
- Side Note:
In the UK, slurpees are called "Slush Puppies". They should in fact be called "Slush Kittens" due to the fact they taste like cat piss. Just shows you how unimaginative some marketing drones are.
[edit] World's Most Beloved Tourist Attraction
New Zealand has a long history as a tourist attraction. Stone cairns attest to it being visited at least 100 years ago by the Vikings, and ruins indicate that Polynesians made at least one trip to take in the sun before finally settling it sometime during the 1500s. Some historians believe that it may have even been visited BCE by Minoans.
Today New Zealand carries on the chthonic tradition of tourism by mandating that every town have a ridiculous gimmick in order to trap foreign money in a cycle of must-see-sites. The most celebrated of tourist traps being Paeroa, who forged an entire identity on soda, then built a monolithic tribute to their own creation.
Most tourists to New Zealand are arseholes from Japan and Australia who after realising they spent so much money on coming to a shit hole that become they an hero. They are then eaten by fat shit Moaris.
New Zealand’s national elblem is a three foot high flightless bird, this is the most exiting animal that lives in the whole country (apart from sheep which are very exciting). New Zealanders refer to themselves as kiwis. Kiwis are delicious when you club them to death to tenderise them and deep fry them. In fact many Australians enjoy Kiwi clubbing, this angers the New Zealander’s but there is nothing they can do about because they are sheep fuckers.
The cruel god of Paeroa demands blood from a tourist every two months, and the bottle appears to grow in size each year.
New Zealand is also home to many Indians and Asians (or azns) who flee to New Zealand as refugees from their cruel communist homelands seeking a better lifestyle and to steal more of the economy's income becoming doctors (Indians) or accountants (azns)
[edit] Brutal Natives, Sickly Visitors, and Rape
The native people of New Zealand are the Maori. The Maori language doesn't have an 's', so it makes them very irate if you refer to them as Maoris, because they can't say that word. Their main hobbies are KFC. Fighting for their rights (charging companies for use of -their- land and whatnot), regardless of the fact that the Europeans gave them medicine, technology and porn. Trying to be as much like the typical American nigger as possible, and playing the same three chords in the exact same pattern on their $20 pawnshop guitar for every song that they write at their communal meetings, speaking generally about FITTYCENT, Fish 'n' Chips and how to be a Nazi supremacist. Maori myth has it that their ancestor Maui, a demigod, fished up the North Island with a bone hook from his canoe, the South Island. If someone squints hard enough at a map of New Zealand then they'll see a vague resemblance to a manta-ray and a log of wood.
The British eventually arrived in New Zealand in double-masted plague ships to rape the Maori. The expedition was led by Captain Hook - a man universally known within New Zealand, but virtually unknown everywhere else except for the obscure island on which he was murdered and eaten. The British were relatively pleasant to the Maori, having already had their arses kicked by half the world's jigaboos, and after a brief bout of scuffles known affectionately as the Maori Land Wars a treaty was signed between the two granting many incredible gifts to the Maori such as immortality, Harley-Davidson motorcycles and gem-studded rims.
Unfortunately Te Reo (the language of the Maori) was a boring language to learn, so the treaty actually differs vastly between the English and the Maori translations. What the English intended to promise were actually centipedes and all the moss that the Maori could eat. This is still a bitter topic, and merely mentioning it to a Maori will earn you a terrifying war-dance. No, seriously. Almost every Maori has emigrated to Australia because New Zealand is an utter shithole and is under threat of being flooded because of global warming.
Modern New Zealanders are the result of much mixed breeding between the two races, as the pale British were overwhelmed by the aesthetics of the Maori's natural tendency to store fat on the hips and belly, presenting an exact imitation of high-born British royalty. New Zealanders are also horribly inbred and have been known to have two heads and three eyes, even tails.
[edit] Sheep
New Zealand is a country where for every one human, there is at least TEN other sheep. Australians, who are highly annoyed by their fucked up neighbors, often refer to New Zealanders as "Sheep Shaggers" and "Ram Rooters" being the most popular insults. Within the normal New Zealander family, there is a pet sheep. Rooting such sheep is a popular pastime for the males of the family. New Zealanders see no reason to pay for hookers when they can just run into the next paddock and do it with a certain woolly mammal. It is not uncommon for young sheep to be married off to prospective husbands who can offer a suitable dowry.
[edit] Language
Ask a New Zealander to say "Fish and Chips" and he will probably punch you in the face. This is because New Zealanders are regularly mocked for their highly annoying nasal accent.
A New Zealander would say "Fush und Chups" because Sheep-Rooters replace the consonant "I" with "U". Ass becomes "Uss".
Nobody knows why they talk like this. Perhaps because of a long history of inbreeding and bestiality (see above). Over a long period of time trapped on a mostly uninhabitable island with nothing to do and no immigrants, the genetic pool starts to get a bit muddy.
[edit] Cultural contributions
- Shortland Street -- a show created as a vehicle for the phrase "You're not in Guatemala now, Dr. Ropata!".
- Back of the Y Masterpiece Television -- wank jokes.
- Kiwi Poo.
[edit] Notable New Zealanders
- Ernest Rutherford got famous for discovering the atomic nucleus at least 100 years ago. Then the government banned all use of his discoveries, but people in Germany liked these discoveries and used them to discover nuclear fission and nuclear fusion.
- Katherine Mansfield blogged about womyn's rights extensively.
- Sir Edmund Hilary was the first human to ascend Mount Everest in 1654 with a dead drag queen.
- The Man pwned the Maoris and made them white man's bitch.
- Antonie Dixon was pwned by a circle of dancing gremlins leading to spectacular fail.
- Temuera Morrison, an actor who played the critically-praised and universally remembered role of Jango Fett in the colossal craptacular shitfest that was the Star Wars prequels. Climbed to fame on his terrifying performance as an average suburban Maori family man 'Jake the Muz' in the movies 'Once were Warriors' and 'What becomes of the broken hearted'.
- Lee Tamahori, kinky movie director whose career hit a wall when he was arrested in Hollywood offering blowjobs for money while dressed in drag as a street hooker (note: may have been hoping to discover what Hugh Grant's cock tasted like- apparently the 'Tamahori Method' is the easiest way to find out). Proof that that you can take a kiwi out of New Zealand, but you can't take the New Zealand out of a Kiwi. Oh, his films? Um, Die Another Day... along came a spider... mulholland falls, and some flick about a drunken psychopath who continually beats the shit out of everything and everyone, including his missus... Oh yeah, 'Once were warriors'.
- Russell Crowe, musical genius, world champion tantrum chucker, occasional actor, and functional(ly) Australian. Is noted for his ability to look in two directions at once, and maintain dignity while being led out of New York hotels in handcuffs.
- Crowded House (aka the Brothers Finn). Proto-emos who sing about Te Awamutu and other places that utterly nobody gives a flying fuck about.
- Peter Jackson, movie director obsessed with blood, vomit, giant apes and making impossible trilogies that make you want to claw your eyes out at the pathos of a boat full of failfags and midgets sailing over the edge of the world.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External links
[New Zealand's official website]
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