Newgrounds
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Warning: The following article contains far too many white people for its own good, and is devoid of any imagined value, much in the same manner as the site that it chronicles. Readers are urged to become an heroes instead of further lowering the collective IQ. | 
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JEWGROUNDS, in it's strictest sense, is a website on the Internets that hosts at least 10000000 horribly drawn hentai Flash movies and games where robots wage war against fruit (It's been blammed).
This site is also notable for it's amazingly high degree of officially-sanctioned faggotry, ambiguously-gendered "females", barrel-scrapingly subpar Forum Moderators, and in general, users who think they're Spartan.
On the July 16th, 2007 the site experienced a 'big' redesign with features such as "New emoticons," (Happy face. Sad Face. Angry Face.), Secret Items (Actual screenshot of "secrets". One has to wonder how Fulp's father feels about his son's late-onset prostitution fetish), level icons (Including a half-naked male body, golden-tan and glistening with sweat), auras (Including the Meaning-laced "Fab" aura), and blogs as a part of the userpage package (a prime example of which, can be found on the userpage of the intellectual heavyweight known as "TheButt").
Since the inception of the much-lauded "Redesign" of the website, a General Decline, if that description is even possible to fit over a site that consistently demonstrates its ability to find new depths of oblivious idiocy, has occurred amongst both the user base of this decidedly-virgin populace, and the features of the site itself. These features include, but are not limited to: Weeaboo pandering, Copiously-sprinkled Penis Jokes, And a forum that steadily delves into lower cesspools with each passing "Pee in your sink!" thread, "Rate my [hallucinatory] Girlfriend!" thread, or even the occasional, but obligatory "Announcement of Impotency" thread.
All of this is damning proof that Tom cares little about what his site used to stand for (Angst-ridden Teens bent on having a good time at school?), and would now prefer to change it into a Gaiaspace clone-cum-Faggot Hang-Out ($$$$) rather than clean out the nobly-named "Kitty Krew" flash group's incredibly thought-provoking analyses of the human condition.
Members are referred to as NGers, pronounced niggers. The website is based in Pennsylvania and is run by the aforementioned fag known as Tom, and his killjoy brother Wadolf, both of whom, along with the majority of the community make flashes about cocks, gay jokes, and sexual exploration with Anal-Dildo stimulation, all performed in the mistaken idea that for every homosexual comment one makes, another heterosexual point is added to scoreboard. In reality, the opposite is true, and by extension of this, all Newgrounds users are irretrievably flamboyant in regards to their orientation.
UPDATE! Recently all ads at the bottom of the page are for Gaia. The redesign was mainly fit for marketing, it seems, as there are ads on new submissions and Gaia ads everywhere. Way to go, Tom; you've turned the Jew safehouse that was Jewgrounds, and transmogrified it into the equivalent of Nazi-fascist Myspace.
ANOTHER UPDATE! On the subject of more ads, if you are enough of a faggot to have an account on newgrounds, an ad is placed, without your consent, on your userpage profile. That is, if you haven't posted in your blog or haven't really contributed content to the site, you get the benefit of being greeted by Zwinky ads at every waking moment of your sad, female-depraven existence.
OMG MOAR UPDATE! In yet another attempt to make Newgrounds exactly the same as Myspace, as well as every other site on the Internet, you can now embed your unfunny videos into your blog. Mass-exploitation is expected, assuming NGers can work out how to actually embed them in the first place.
[edit] The Flash Portal
The Newgrounds Flash Portal is the access point to the site's archives. The ranking score of each Flash movie and game is determined by how highly users rate it. There is a choice of two ratings a viewer can bestow upon Newgrounds movies, 0 and 5. There are also buttons for 1, 2, 3 and 4 but one would have to be a faggot to actually deem a flash somewhere between perfect and total shit.
Flash reviews operate on a similar basis, except scores can go up to 10 instead of 5. Once again, and this cannot be stressed enough, YOU SHOULD ONLY EVER GIVE A FLASH EITHER 0 OR 10. Doing anything else would be a terrible waste of voting power.
You should also make certain you swear as much as you can and always proofread your review to ensure that it's spelled as poorly as humanly possible. Using all caps is also a surefire way to get noticed.
Examples:
- YOU FUCKING DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING ASSHOLE!
Fuck, that was some of the sickest piece of mthrfcking shit I ever saw! You got NO sense of humor you bitch! This ain't like a litlle destructibe, It's fucking revolsing!
Overall score: 0
- That show was reaaaaaalllllyyy FUNNY!
Way didnt sye pik cell it is a good fighter!
Overall score: 10
- Fix yout flash
Need do fix your portal
Overall score: 2
A surefire way to make everyone give your Flash movie full marks is to throw in a bunch of stick figures killing each other over a Papa Roach song or have any of the words "Sonic", "Mega Man" or "X" in the title. Alternatively, reupload the exact same animation 42 times and call it a "series".
Don't forget about killerjeff "The warnings are coming closer, shit why did I threaten Kemcab?"
[edit] The Teddy Review Spam War
Recently a bunch of retards and fags from jewtube began to spam Newgrounds flash reviews with the same review over and over again:
- Hi, I am Teddy. Once you read this you cannot get out. Finish reading this until it is done! As I said, I am Teddy. I am 7 years old. I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead. If you don't send this to at least 12 people I will come to your house at midnight and I'll hide under your bed. When you're asleep, I'll kill you. Don't believe me?
It goes on for over 9000 paragraphs of spam before ending. Now these reviews should have been deleted, but Tom Fulp, being the jew faggot wanna-be-nigger he is, has not deleted any of these reviews, and actually disabled his mods from doing shit about it until a few months after it started. Because of this, a bunch of fag users are freaking out about it, causing mass chaos on the portal, and led to Bigbadron killing a negro. As a result of seeing all this go down, ED is now asking you all to add to the super lulz by spamming the entire Teddy review (found at the flash links below) a couple billion times to piss off the meatspin lovers at Newgrounds. Look for the full review to copy and paste in the "Teddy" review of EVERY SINGLE FLASH in newgrounds history to piss those pedos off:
- Newgrounds Rumble reviews: The real rumble is in the spam, lol.
- Dad's Home reviews: Ironically the dad is a pedophile also.
- 8-Bit D-n-D: Pissing off those fag RPG fans will really be worth it
[edit] How to get #1 in the portal
The #1 slot in the portal was at one time a prestigious award. Now it's just a spot held by video game parody flashes five-bombed by 13-year-old boys. To achieve this esteemed position though Flash Cartoon creation:
- First and most important of all, make a hardcore porn animation that includes child rape and spawns pop-ups. Also,
don't forget to Co-author some well-known animators.
- Make plentiful use of dick jokes to compensate for viewer virginity
- Ensure that all female characters contribute fanservice, and have no personality.
- Use lots of colorful expletives (i.e. SHIT, CUNT, DICK, FUCK, DINGLEHEIMER) so the 13 year old boys think your flash, and by extension of that, you, are hardcore.
- Make clever and hilarious observations about popular video games (i.e. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT MARIO GUY ANYWAY, HYUK HYUK, AND WHAT IS THIS "LUIGI" OF WHOM YOU SPEAK?)
- Make an overt reference to the Clock Crew, Kitty Krew, Lock Legion, Uzi Union, Glock Group, Barney Bunch, or any number of these dedicated, alliterative groups.
- Use emo-,Linkin Park-, or Faggot-brand music in your animation. In fact, to ensure universal appeal, why not use all three in the ultimate brooding-Teenager trifecta?
- Throw in an entire Matrix bullet-time sequence, or any thing related to the Matrix. Instant First-place.
- Use sprites from video games that were popular at least 100 years ago., most notably Mario or Phoenix Wright.
- "Enhance" the already rich and fulfilling plot of Japanese anime cartoon Dragon Ball Z
- Make all characters burst out into Tenacious D anthems at cadenced intervals, and quote South Park whenever possible. The last directive cannot be stressed enough.
- Steal unfunny jokes from unfunny sites, and/or moldy sitcoms.
- Throw in a fart joke for good measure. Everybody loves a fart joke. Ha. Ha.
- Draw something in an overtly Japanese style, because Newgrounds's main constituency is, of course, 13 year olds.
- If possible, don't use any English, at all. Instead use the language embraced by the vast majority of Newgrounders.
- Make sure everything looks very "cute," in order that closet-homosexual viewers that permeate the Portal can better relate to your work.
[edit] Newgrounds Users and Their Levels
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Above, The NGer (Nigger) is seen in its natural environment, having just leveled up to the next vector-drawn image of a weapon, as well as having just received his prize pack of stickers from headquarters. His elation is overstated, if a bit Neanderthalic, and his refusal to shave, while aiding his own ability to conform to the Nigger stereotype, seemingly pushes him back about four levels in the more immediate, and perhaps, important game known as irl.
Voting on Newgrounds submissions will earn members experience points (See MMORPG). After voting on a few thousand movies, you can level up, which gives you a 1337er avatar on the forums and gives you a +1 to hit vs other basement-dwellers.
How you vote also affects your alignment, which determines which unique special abilities you gain access to. Dark users are noted for their abilities of Evil Armour of Morbid Obesity and Greater Body Odour Aura. But then they completely threw this out the window when users started voting on movies to make their avatar a different color. Now, you can just make your aura dark without ever voting at all! Instant coolness!!1!!!11
- The Dark Aura is known to be a commonality between users who are angst-ridden, and/or fundamentally and spiritually the emo stereotype. Brooding. Sullen. Misinformed.
- The Light Aura is known to be a commonality between overly-cheerful users, who think that simply saying the words "Cock Joke" actually constitutes a phallic-humorous observation. Likely to have substandard grammar.
- The Evil Aura is known to be a commonality between users who consider themselves Goth, like Jeff Weise. They are likely to be similar in disposition to Dark Aura fags, but in many ways, and amplified parody of metal-loving satanists, who would sooner admit to fucking a corpse than having gone to Church at one point in their lives. Most likely to carry out a massive baletion of life with a Tec-9.
- The Neutral Aura is known to be a commonality between users who are overtly bisexual. In their indecisiveness about which gender they would rather stick up the pooper, they come to the realization that one hole is as good as any other. Due to the lack of females on Newgrounds, however, these average denizens are forced into exclusive circle-jerking with males.
- The Fab Aura is unambiguously homosexual. Therefore, it is no wonder that after ten minutes of browsing through the Newgorunds Forums, one comes to the conclusion that it is far and away the most popular Aura.
[edit] Newgrounds Users: The Model of Finesse
[edit] The B.B.S.
| REMEMBER: THE WORD "PENIS" IS VERY FUNNY. |
Newgrounds also has a BBS, a vertiable cesspool of idiocy where retards can rabidly discuss video games, how Bill Gates is the fourth horsemen, and whether the popular image editing program known as Photoshop will hang itself from the rafters of Newgrounds, and become an hero after placing Josh Bedn into every possible picture, in every possible thread to be found on this site.
The forumgoers are not entirely without redeeming qualities, however. Every once in a while, an uber-l33t h4xx0r will make the post of the century, sparking discussion of the highest caliber.
It is hard for members to not be fucktards with the example set by admins, such as the founder's art posted in the Unicorns with Dicks for Horns thread, in which, literally on company time, employees of the proprietor of Newgrounds were paid to render pornographic horse phalli for purposes unknown, delaying the promised redesign of the website to at least 100 years later, on July 17th, 2007.
No matter how horrible the site is, and has increasingly become, though, at least it doesn't have emoticons. EDIT: It does now. A candlelight vigil, if you will, for the effective spiritual death of the site.
[edit] Moderators
The Newgrounds BBS has many moderators, most of whom are teenage girls that got to be where they are by constantly sucking admin cock. Their job is to ban people who say funny things and delete topics that make people happy. Their job is to also make shitty in-jokes that nobody gets, but people laugh to seem smart. Some of the mods include:
Bigbadron: An asshole who will ban you if you disagree with him. If you win the arguement, he will ban the shit out of you. Motto is "Stern, stern but fair." HAHAHAHHAH!UPDATE: NO LONGER A MEMBER OF THE CIRCLE JERK COMMITTEE- Ozcar: Is a dirty, filthy Mexican who not only doesn't understand the status quo, but is also teh ghey in addition to owning an extensive collection of gay pr0n.
- Jossos: Actually, she's not a mod, but tries desperately hard to become one by sucking up to them at every available opportunity.
- FBIpolux: A French Canadian faggot and the male equivalent of Jossos.
- Sarai: An azn cocktease who is only there to talk about how hawt she is. The other moderators bukkake on her face later. She stepped down when she refused to post pics of herself naked.
- Maus: Filthy dyke who pretends to have decent poetry. Is anti-photoshop threads.
[edit] How to Become a Moderator in Eleven Easy Steps
- Abandon all hopes of procreation and/or use of the phrase "irl". These will only serve to hinder the slow siphoning of life force from your rectum — A process that all future moderators must undergo before being bestowed the ultimate honor. Your irl is now modship. Your soulmate is now Newgrounds.
- Refrain from performing actions that might be construed as altruistic, funny, or interesting in any way shape or form. There's nothing interesting about you, you self-possessed ingrate. You live to serve Newgrounds.
- Perform fellatio on existing mods whenever possible. Geek orgasms are known to produce spurts of goodwill mixed in a colloidal solution with semen during ejaculation. Now you are fully prepared for your tenure as a loyal servant.
- Drink aforementioned semen solution. While performing this action, post a slew of "witty" emoticons in the hopes of being pegged for modship material.
- Travel, uninvited, to Newgrounds HQ, located in the unassuming town of Perkasie, Pennsylvania.
- Enter yourself into the literal circle of sodomy which includes all mods that Newgrounds employs;
- Fit your folds of perineal flab around the micropenis of the mod to your aft.
- Place your own micropenis (No girls allowed!) into the crusty, elasticized anus of the mod in front of you.
- Ejaculate in ecstasy.
- ????
- Profit!
[edit] The Anti Lulz Era
A new rule created by the faggot himself, Wade Fulp, has sent out his minions of pain(s in the ass), or "Mods", To ban people and lock topics for inspiring the lulz so the same god damn topic about "ZOMG! X-box 360 or PS3 or Wii?!?!!??!?1/11/ WHO WILL WIN THE CONSOLE WARS?!??!?! THEY'RE VERY IMPORTANT! THEY IN FACT DICTATE OUR LIVES!" can be made over and over again.
[edit] Individual Forums
The B.B.S. (Blandly Blithesome Shit) is divided neatly into categories:
[edit] General
Anything can be discussed here, as long as it's lame. If you have sex with any member of your family, this is the board to post about it[5][6][7][8][9][10]. Threads about how you plan to kill yourself are also praised, and often grow to 30-page emofests before someone notices. Also note that the newground mods rule with an iron fist, deleting and banning any attempt at faggotry. Posters there are very unoriginal. Expect to see tons of topics about the same thing and stolen 4chan memes. Make sure, when browsing this forum, to keep in mind that the average IQ is well below the threshold denoting a capability to produce coherent sentences, thus the proliferation of both rampant unintelligible postings, and the rise of Grammar Fascism by the limited elite in Jewgroundsian society.
This push towards Nazism on the General forum has many of that lower-caste of money-grubbing Jews snarling away into the darkness of the B.B.S., to inhabit less profitable, but more Anti-American corners of the site, where Jews tend to flourish.
Also, potaro, GaSp-GalacticSniper, dantex1412 and DestroyedPencil I will give each of you a gift.
[edit] Where is/How to?
A forum for any questions that might be asked by idiots in regards to the site, just as long as the question is vapid and facepalm-worthy. [11]Here, one is at one's own discretion to whine about how one is too stupid to use the search function or how one can't beat the giant penis in Penis Attack 9. (HINT: "JACK THE PENIS OFF" IS ALWAYS A WITTY RESPONSE TO THIS QUESTION.)
[edit] Flash
If it wasn't for this forum, most of the fucktards on the site wouldn't know how to create the hilarious cartoons it thrives on. Most posts in this forum are about how to make a play button with actionscript. Although, the occasional "How Do I Make This Button Look Like A Veiny Penis That Happens To Be Black And Long" topic is always a welcome conversation starter.
[edit] Politics
The place for users with large postcounts to belittle people with smaller postcounts for having a differing opinion. Popular discussion topics range from "why Bush is a fucking idiot" all the way to "why people who think that Bush is a fucking idiot are fucking idiots".
This is where the persecuted Jewgrounds Jews tend to migrate when they're feeling | a little hot under the collar.
In their haste to flee the General Forum's pitchforks and flames, they attempt to use their talent at gaining political office to their advantage in the Politics Forum. They find out quickly, however, that the violently Hetero personality of Politics Regular cellardoor6 - which includes a fanatical devotion to the cause of pro-Americanism - is offputting when compared with the Jews' own bitter resolve to destroy the country in which they made their fortunes, and thus, these must go into hiding in the even-less-frequented forums, in order to plan their next attack.
[edit] Programming
In which the programmers of NG discuss how to use programming languages and use terms that n00bs cant understand.
Nobody frequents this graveyard, so it serves as the perfect pseudo-ghetto for the Jews to map out which symbolic American monument they would prefer to blow up first.
[edit] Clubs & Crews
Where the fucktards come after having their how do I made flash? posts answered in the Flash forum, to get together with other fucktards and form fucktard alliances, which enable them to make even shittier movies than they could on their own.
[edit] Audio
This is by far the worst of the forums, where users post lyrics to songs (See LiveJournal)
[edit] Art
The Art Forum was created in September 2006 to gather all gay furry pictures or penicorn images ever drawn by Newgrounds members. It also enables 11-year olds to post their MS Paint devilspawn "art" and ask for "constructive criticism", later ignoring said criticism and flaming everyoen who doesn't praise them intensely and give them Buttsecks. The few good artists, all of whom are Moderators, troll around and lock any thread that does not follow the RULES to the LETTER.
The Art forum of Newgrounds, in its phallus-fever, has entered what many consider a Renaissance[12] of Interwebs Art.
Users who patrol this forum are generally brown-nosers and elitists, who, while sucking anal mod secretions, also enjoy criticizing artworks with such enlightening comments as:
- "MAKE THE DOLPHIN PENIS WHOLE LOT FUCKING BIGGER"
- "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? A VAGINA? YOU KNOW THAT ISN'T ALLOWED ON OUR FORUMS! FOR SHAME!"
- "I WISH WORDS COULD EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE THE INDIVIDUALISM AND THE ARTISTRY SO EVIDENTLY DISPLAYED BY EACH METICULOUSLY PENNED-OUT VEIN ON THE DICK."
- "THIS PENIS HAS TOUCHED ME."
- "THE PHALLIC ARTISTIC DEVICE IN THIS ARTWORK SEEMS TO BE A MICROCOSMIC REPRESENTATION OF THE LARGER STATE OF BEING EMBODIED BY HUMANKIND: JACK WITH ME AND I'M GONNA FUCKING SPRAY YOU WITH SHIT."
[edit] Video Games
A shameless attempt to make Newgrounds just like every other forum on the Internet. Inactive as fuck, and nobody cares since everybody on Newgrounds is too busy discussing Mario and Luigi's homosexual relationship.
[edit] Members
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The Newgrounds BBS happens to be quite a diverse habitat of various faggots, whores, brown nosers, and the odd devoted stat whore.
[edit] The Furfag
Are unfunny users, usually teenagers, whom lower users kiss up to in order to convince the alleged furfag to post more furry porn on his userpage. Even though they are probably not gay or furry IRL, Newgrounds still drools over the keybnoard w/ dick out.
A furfag will stroll into a thread expecting to have their asshole munched by the massive amounts of 13 year olds who look up to them. Most likely, this will happen in at least 100 percent of these events.
[edit] The Whore
A sort of user related to the furfag, except without the yiff pornography. Usually, the white trash that makes up most of these users knows how to manipulate the 13 year old faggots to their will, vaguely offering a chance to be noticed in exchange for attention.
[edit] The Female
A true rarity on Newgrounds, they are usually either 40 year old truckers; perverted men who get pics from Myspace and act like they're a girl, whores who post pictures of themselves, or ugly, refusing to post pics. None of them are actually women however, because we all know there are no girls on the internet.
The average Newgrounds forum user will try to get their face in these female oddities' breasts almost as much as they will try to get an Admin's penis in their mouth. The "females" all enjoy this because they are all actually pedophiles, trying to hook up with some of the many underage users.
[edit] The Suckup
Excessively common, these users not only kiss ass, but try to say they do not kiss ass. Made up of the newfags who don't oppose the majority of Newgrounds regulars, they will kiss the ass of the first person with a post count of over 9000, and immediately change sides if their hero is being sufficiently pwn3d.
[edit] The Failure
Preteen faggots who generate massive amounts of lulz, given the right conditions. Whenever one of these sorry users is pushed over the edge by flaming, pwnage, or mass hate, they either pussy out of Newgrounds, or attempt a last stand to save their ego.
When they finally do leave, they normally make promises to never, EVAR, come back. Just like other failures, they tend to not keep that promise.
| —bernie-buddy, failing to gain sympathy from Newgrounds. |
- The LardLord-esque Failure
A subcategory of "The Failure" and a category all to himself, LardLord[[13]] is the type of Pro-American, Genital- flaunting, atheistic, Mensa Member that is best dealt with by traveling back in time, and flooding his mother's uterus with Hydrochloric Acid before she has a chance to procreate. After posting gratuitously explicit pictures of his own testicles, as viewed from the back, LardLord also made sure to post[[14]] about his recent Doctor's Office Visit.
| —LardLord, Responding to the question "What is your favorite place to cum?" |
UPDATE: LardLord is now impotent, after performing "sexual experimentation" upon himself. For future reference, shoving a magic wand up your asshole is a great way to impress your friends.
[edit] Trolls
See: 1337Beet Generate massive waves of Butthurt by being complete Jerkoffs and making cellardoor6 get pissy.
[edit] "Abusing and Exploiting Newgrounds," the Book
Unfortunately, this book of lulz is largely outdated, due to its being old, and pre-"redesign".
- http://rapidshare.com/files/26095186/AAEN.pdf.html
- http://www.megaupload.com/?d=FUJGNATQ
- http://www.mediafire.com/?8oooyrgonwf
[edit] See Also
- Artgrounds
- LegendaryFrog
- The Barney Bunch
- Alvin-Earthworm
- Livecorpse
- Internet DVD
- Killerjeff
- MindChamber
[edit] Links
- Newgrounds.com
- An example of how easily NG users are trolled
- The best Flash movie on Newgrounds. (Which has been deleted, of course.)
- The Truth about Newgrounds creator, Tom Fulp
- Wikigrounds (Go ahead and vandalize)
