Northern Ireland
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Northern Ireland (known as Norn Iron to the locals) is a terrorist camp in the North of the Island of Ireland, and that's the way it'll feckin' stay if you value yer kneecaps, right? It is generally thought to be fought over by the British and Irish governments by those within the "country", but unbeknownest they both really couldn't give a shite.
Contents |
[edit] History
The history of the North is a complex and difficult one if you are a Northerner. To everyone else, it's a society divided between two sides of the population: on one side is a bunch of psychotic, unemployable, white trash terrorist scumbags, who are eternally pitted against a bunch of psychotic, unemployable, white trash terrorist scumbags.
People from the North are famous for drinking, fighting, owning armalites and wearing ski masks balaclavas (keep your fail American language out of this page). Northern Ireland is governed by a really fat guy in a leather jacket who smuggles fuel from over the border and steals truckloads of fags (cigarettes to our American cousins) to feed his six hundred a day habit.
[edit] Diet
The diet is inspired by that of the peasants of Scotland from which much of the population spawned from after being imported by the English. This diet consists mainly of Chips and in the absence of fish, Due to the large population of catholics, the orangemen eat babies. (this is widely believed to be the birthplace of Hitlers idea of Jews eating Aryan babies)
[edit] Law
Many people think the people of Norn Iron wear ski masks balaclavas because its fucking cold but really it's to protect their identities. If you break the law in Northern ireland, you get a summons to appear at a deserted warehouse on some godforsaken industrial estate whereupon four large men with bomber jackets and hurley bats will relieve you of the use of your knees.
[edit] Multiculturalism
There is a strange race of people in Norn Iron known as Ulster Scots. These people insist they speak a language of the same name, but everyone knows its because they are muck savages who were raised on farms and taught English by a local drunk named Patsy McBride. These people also happen to be Protestants. This means they are stupid and seem to think that Ireland and Britain are connected in some way. Their past times include saying "no," wanking about the Queen, calling the place Ulster and laughing at Bobby Sands.
The Norn Irish Tourist Board recently released a top ten list of reasons to visit the friendly, warm, sunny shores of Norn Iron, in which the residents were described as "the most bigoted people on earth". Some 44% of Northern Irish humanoids declared that they would object to gays, non-whites, muslims, jews, or people with an IQ greater than 80 moving in next door to them. This provoked shock and outrage as most people assumed that the total of bigoted hatemongers per head of population would be more like 144%. It also contrasts nicely with the 100% of Southern Irish, Welsh and English people who would like Northern Ireland to be someone else's neighbour. Scottish people expressed no opinion on the North because they were all too busy drinking and eating battered mars bars.
[edit] Religion
On the other end of the scale are the Catholics. Their pastimes include being alcoholics and ranting about dead guys who blew themselves up because they were trying to make explosives while drunk. Unlike the South, Norn Iron is completely devoid of all Leprechaun and fairy life because the IRA used them all for target practice and the few that were left were sodomised by Paul Berry, a DUP councillor who enjoys the company of "male sports masseurs". Catholics in Northern Ireand have a very strong connection with Padre Pio, indeed, the highest honour you can be given in Northern Ireland is to have a nail hammered through both your hands to make you just like him.
Contrary to popular belief, this is not a violent act and anyone in Northern Ireland would be honoured to have it done. For some weird reason, Catholics along with Irish Americans seem to think Norn Iron is also somehow connected to Southern Ireland (just because it was a united country up until last thursday), even though the Southern Irish hate everyone in NI and America and would much rather do rugby and drink beer with the Welsh.
[edit] Terrorism
Northern Irelands exports include terrorists. full stop. Imports include bootleg cigarettes, weapons from as far afield as South Africa, ski masks balaclavas and guinness, which the Catholic population have a dependency on. A never ending convoy of trucks from Dublin feeds their drinking habits.
To many the troubles were really a second war between England and Ireland. It appears that Ireland won as it has not had to run Northern Ireland.
[edit] External Links
Portadown News, official paper of record for the Troubles
[1], Typical Norn Iron accent
