Randroid
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A Randroid is a follower of Objectivism, a religion devoted to the worship of Ayn Rand, a "philosopher" who taught that selfishness is the highest good, altruism is the ultimate evil, and that the point of life is the individual pursuit of happiness. This is a boldfaced lie, as anyone with the slightest bit of intelligence instinctively knows. After all, if Objectivism were the only true religion, a real Objectivist would keep the secret of happiness to him/herself, and not write books about it in an altruistic attempt to help others discover Objectivism! QED. Then again, she would have been making money off of the book sales so it could still be justified that she was doing it for herself to achieve moar happiness. Of course, this only applies to Rand herself and not to her basement-dwelling followers.
Randroids have major hard-ons for big business even though most of them, including Rand herself, have no experience in the business world beyond the cash register at the local Quizno's. According to Objectivism, capitalism is innately fair and anyone who doesn't earn enough money to make a living simply isn't working hard enough. Anyone who makes billions of dollars has pulled himself (let's be honest, we're not talking about women here) up by his bootstraps and his triumph is a testament to the dignity of the human spirit, and there's no chance that he just embezzled it all from his workers, earned it by sucking his boss's cock, or got it from Dick Cheney, amirite?
Ayn Rand specifically rejected Jesus H. Christ as her Lord and Savior, and (barring an unlikely last-minute change of heart) is currently burning alive in the fiery pits of Hell as you read this. Somebody didn't pay attention in Sunday School!
All Randroids are either white or part-Hebrew, a pure-blooded Jew is forced by the hive mind to not injure or adversely affect other Jews.
Contents |
[edit] The making of a Randroid
Unlike most people forced to read Atlas Shrugged, a small percentage actually finishes the book without skipping through John Galt's Speech. After pretending to himself to somehow enjoy those multi-hundred volumes of shit, the subject experiences a psychological short-circuit, and his pain-pleasure responses nullify. From that moment on, the subject's only life-pull is to convince everybody else of how immoral they are and how they can only be redeemed by reading a holy piece of brain-washing inflammatory old-media, not unlike other champions of reason.
Therefore fantasizing being pegged by Ayn, while being himself a pain in the ass, much like a hemorrhoid, a Randroid is conceived. Unlike Furries, who experience this mutagenic process earlier in life, Randroids usually became such in late high-school/early college. Due to their ignorance of the real capitalistic business world, these kids think they can become a real John Galt. The process can't be reverted.
Alternatively, many Randroids become such by infection, by being fucked in the ass by an older Randroid. This is called a package-deal. Looks like you got more than you'd bargained for!
[edit] Fundamentals
Randroids don't believe in God but resent being tagged Atheists. This is probably because they are staunch worshipers of Moloch, and that is as much as they have in common with the Jews. Politically they coincide with 100% of the libertarian platform but Galt save us if you dare group them together. This is due to their extreme elitism which is the cause of their fandom in the first place. Within the Randroid's universe, Immanuel Kant is regarded as a monster, Hitler and Stalin being mere passive victims of his altruist morality. It should be noted that few if any Randroids have actually read any of Kant's works, or even a decent introductory text. This is explained with reference to a wide-sweeping Postmodern Conspiracy which states that Universities are trying to tell you what to think.
Randroids are often mistakenly referred to as fair-haired gingers, their lack of a soul being common-ground. (There is, however, a chance that they be all daywalkers; further study is needed).
[edit] Politics
Like the whiny masked Libertarians they are, hemorrhoids are all about civil liberties and equality under the law; this means that they want to do away with the emo-hunting day. Therefore, if they ever become a decisive political pressure group (lol), this would mean the nation would be overrun with emo faggots who would raise Mr. Ann Coulter to fuhrer, submerging America in over nine thousand years of obscurity.
[edit] Smoking
| —~studiodekadent - the world abounds with reasons to hate his mind |
[edit] Exponents
Lacking a life, many Randroids are therefore quite active in JewTube.
cropperb: Brandon Cropper is a Mormon from central Connecticut, and as a good Mormon, he migrated to Utah where he went broke after opening an atheist pedophilia consortium known as the "Cropper Lyceum" where he teaches 6 year-olds the Greek ways. Though the Mormon parents were tempted by the strict racial policy of the "Lyceum" none of them would rather pay an atheist pedophile to sodomize their children than do the job themselves. There went down all the money he had made working overtime at a Burger King in Bronx, as he revealed while explaining us how niggas are poor cause they want to be - and cause they spend too much on chrome. When he's not forcing Objectivist theory up Mormon tots' asses, you can find Cropper begging for monetary donations on YouTube like the whiny socialist leech he is.
Zsoakes: A Muslim-American computer security wannabe Mac owner and outspoken rape victim, Zsoakes is delusional enough to believe he is funny. He is also a militaristic asshole who is "emotionally touched" by army propaganda and he totally not hates Uhmerica. When he's not stroking his ego, you can find him making diplomatic, sensitive videos for YouTube.
[edit] Trolling
Trolling Randroids is as easy as breathing. Since Objectivism is ZOMG TEH ONYL TURLY OBJEKCTIVE WRODLVIEW ZOMG, any dissent is viewed as ignorance and, the more strongly worded, the more humorous a response it will provoke. Some of the lulziest methods for trolling include:
- Imply that Ayn Rand's philosophy was anything less than logically consistent. Since all of them worship her as a deity, this will be viewed by them as the highest form of blasphemy and typically results in comical overreactions and ad hominems in retaliation.
- Point out that you make more money than they do. Since all of them are fat basement dwellers who subsist on income from their parents (LOL IRONY), this is inevitable as long as you hold a job or have more than one dollar in your checking account.
- Point out that no capitalist system in history has ever employed its full population, and that modern American cities' homeless problem demonstrates that private charity alone is not enough to counteract the inability of the unemployed to work. As a result, accuse them of supporting passive murder and/or sociopathy for arguing that these people should not expect the support of society.
- Point out that if they follow Howard Roark's example, they will soon be joining the homeless population that they once looked down on.
- Point out that property ownership in modern society is based on the threat of force, as no consensual society of free-thinking rationalists would arrange such a richly imbalanced set of property distribution. Thus, Ayn Rand and, therefore, Objectivists in general hate freedom for everyone except the rich. This one will really piss them off.
- Go up to one of these basement dwellers and call them a libertarian. This will render said-objectivist so angry that he will go on an hour-long rant about how he's nothing like "those people." That, or he'll try to shoot you. It is not recommended that you do this if you are alone with the objectivist.
- Remind them that their only knowledge of economics comes from a one semester class in high school.
- Tell them that Immanuel Kant and Karl Marx had more enduring posthumous careers and that this is because of their superior intellects and philosophies, not because of some batshit insane conspiracy by college professors.
- Point out that our perception of the world is purely phenomenal. Use Russell and Kant to illustrate this point.
- Point out that it is impossible to be a completely autonomous individual in a capitalist society. Even if you are one of the minority who do own property, you must still enter into collective agreement and trade with other people. If you do not own property then you will be compelled to spend your life getting raped in the world of employment. Then tell them that that only way to be %100 autonomous and reliant on one's self would be as a primitive man who hunts his own food and lives in a forest. Expect to be called a Marxist and a totalitarian for making these point.
Don't expect even the slightest pretense of acknowledgment of your points, much less a pretense of rational debate; instead, you'll be called a communist, a Chomskyite, or worse. Here's an example.
[edit] Bioshock
Recently, Rand's philosophy was parodied in the brilliant satire of the game Bioshock. The basic plot goes like this: A bunch of randroids get rounded up and placed at the bottom on the ocean. They swiftly collapse the ingenious society which they built by somehow obtaining an addiction to stem cells. They roam the city seeking buttsecks and you have to go and beat them to death, so on and so forth. Rand herself is parodied in the from of the mayor of the city, Andrew Ryan. (ZOMG almost an anagram) Ironically, Ryan is a more accurate portrayal of Rand than Rand herself, as Ryan has a penis. Ryan also is beaten to death with a golf club, a fate which Rand was begging for her entire life.
[edit] External Links
| Randroid is part of a series on Religion
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