Onideus Mad Hatter
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Please see this article's Talk Page for a glimpse of Fatter in full meltdown-mode
Onideus Mad Hatter (Powerword: Matthew Moulton, aka Sad Fatter, Moultard, Farfoos, Baby Matthew, Baby Julie and ED socks Triskaidekaphobia, Flippant and most recently Mipsus, which are currently b& at the IP level for a year for overusing this: ^__^ emoticon. See you on December 19th, 2009!) is the Internet equivalent of a Renaissance Man, i.e. a fat fucking failure. His main claims to fame are his unparalleled, relentless lies about his accomplishments, and a pathetic and desperate amount of posting in certain forums. In a Portal of Evil forum dedicated to making fun of him, he made over a thousand posts a month for six consecutive months until he was finally banned. To date, he has made almost 45,000 inane posts on a single Usenet group, alt.2600. His time is clearly valuable, so these weren't one-liners, but massive butthurt textwalls filled with shit grammar and emoticon abuse on par with that of a 13 year old girl. But Fatter's rabbit-hole of failure goes deeper...much deeper.
| —Onideus Mad Hatter, wrong again in the selectbutton forums |
Background
The egregious Moultard alternately claims to be a world-class coder, a Flash wizard, a graphic designer, a master troll and all kinds of other ludicrous assertions. In the cold, cruel world of reality, he's a friendless 29-year old babyfur and Carebears fan who worked the night shift (in diapers) at Dairy Queen (where he claimed to be the manager) before being dismissed in 2007, whereupon he went to work at Walmart. Moulton loves to call himself an Inventory Control Specialist, but the world knows him as a shelf-stocker. He gets quite upset when he is forced by The Man to help his inferiors in the pallet unloading crew.
He recently bragged about his Walmart salary, claiming, "I make over $100 a day"; this seems to be quite the pay cut from his previous job, as he claimed to make $60/hr (about $125,000/yr) at Dairy Queen, making him the highest-paid fry cook in DQ history. It should surprise no one, therefore, that he owns a $4,000 hat. His reputation for honesty and objectivity leaves little room for doubt of any of these claims.
The Hatter likes to spend his spare time being a cunt on the Internet, filling his diaper and pretending to run a half-assed "web design" business called "Backwater Productions" despite knowing less about web design than a 12-year old AOL user with Downs. He loudly insists that he is a master troll, and when Portal of Evil discovered that he was a member of multiple adult baby communities, he came up with the risible claim that his ten years as a member of these Usenet groups was all a "setup" to a massive future trolling event. Obvious lie is obvious, you sick fuck.
He wears blue-tinted sunglasses because he believes they will help him lose weight because he is a fucking moron.[1][2]
Fantasy life
Baby Matt's many delusional fantasies of his own achievements include the supposed creation of a new video codec that he calls Interpixel Cascade Fusion (never actually completed or even demoed, ever); the world-shaking discovery of alpha-transparent video (which the real world discovered circa 1970) and something called a perfect liquid website which is probably some kind of slang for extremely runny diaper play - no one really knows because he hasn't finished it. He also claims to be one of the greatest Flash designers alive, despite the inconvenient fact that 99 percent of his purported genius coding is in non-working "under construction" versions (see a pattern developing?). Hatter also loves to make empty threats about how he'll hack various websites that have ignored or mocked or banned him, but to no one's surprise, he has never done this.
He also prides himself on his incessant posting to dusty old Usenet Groups (or "froups" as they're called by the profoundly retarded) as though it's some kind of amazing accomplishment, and all the non-crazy folk didn't abandon Usenet at least 100 years ago. He is probably devoted to Usenet because he can't be banned from it, which is why the whole discussion system is a mess of trolls and spammers that no sane person bothers to visit. His Usenet sig is the longest in history, consisting of over 60 lines of Hatter self-quotes in a pathetic attempt to look k3wl.
He's the world's most expert programmer (just ask him), but loudly claims to prefer his Wal-Mart job because it is more fulfilling to put boxes on shelves all day for minimum wage. When a senior engineer at Microsoft questioned his expertise, he submitted as evidence a program he'd written in C++. Unfortunately, he neglected to compile it as a release build, so the debug information was included - and when run under the debugger, it revealed itself to be homework for a beginner C++ class.
The general consensus is that Fatter should stick to his core competencies in the realms of pedophilia and menial labor.
Assessment
Many unwary people are mildly irritated when they first experience Hatter's "trolling", not so much for the content but because Hatter spends so much of his valueless free time writing long text walls. However, after beholding a few examples of his dribbling, it soon becomes apparent that he is a genuine retard with an unwarranted sense of importance, similar to Chris-chan. Both are fat, spend inordinate amounts of time on the net, are incapable of holding down a professional job and have no friends.
Moultard vs. Portal of Evil
Hatter started posting at the Portal of Evil back in late 2003 after some gay fucking anime site was listed there, and after witnessing the fatty's extreme cuntiness, Kthor decided to list Moulton's own "website" on the Portal.[3] Fatter soon proceeded to rack up thousands of futile and idiotic posts, most of which were deleted by the admin Chet when fatty was banned. He provided much lulz to the regulars by furiously defending how important his job was as a fry cook at Dairy Queen, asserting that he was the "equivalent" of management because he sometimes manned the store alone during off-hours, and that he did the work of several people at once because he was so incredibly efficient.
Hatter was allowed to creep back in under a new alias in 2005, under which he made another 3,000+ posts full of nonsensical babble and retarded catchphrases. It was, admittedly, morbidly interesting to watch Hatter flail about as he desperately tried to convince himself that he was something other than an overweight, blubbering, rancid mass of butter, but all good things must come to an end and his unsightly, grease-soaked ass was finally booted from PoE in late December 2006.
He then returned to his usual haunts on Usenet, where he denounced Chet, PoE, and Kthor in a series of dumb and screechy posts, and suspected everyone of being a "Poetard".[4]
On July 1st, 2007, Chet's flaky Portal of Evil code suffered a massive failure and let the fat fuck log in again.[5] However, he was soon ejected and again withdrew to Usenet, where he vowed buttery revenge:
Naturally, he failed to actually make good on any of these threats. If talk is cheap, 6,000+ posts on a message board dedicated to making fun of you must be the steepest volume discount of all time.
Hatter is currently posting on PoE as user "Your_Daddy"[6] and when not defending practitioners of bestiality, he furiously denies that he's the Fatter, though of course his retarded catchphrases and juvenile spelling are a total giveaway.
Virginity? Intact!
Despite being willing to make absurd false claims about all kinds of things, Fatter becomes curiously evasive when asked about his sex life.
This is the proper response to anything he says, in any context, ever: "You are a 29-year-old virgin who stocks shelves at Walmart."
PoE Gallery
 Read this epic tale from the trenches of Walmart... |
 Then this. |
 Another PoE response |
 |
 A vision of Matthew's life |
 Wherein a bokken and a blue serape make their appearance |
A Dark Past Catches Up With Our Hero
After making such a colossal lolcow of himself on Portal of Evil, Kthor and the other PoE regulars started to do some digging through the Usenet groups that Fatter proclaimed were so superior to what he called the "Webbies". The search proved fruitful, to say the least...
 lol fatty |
 WHAT |
 WHAT |
 WHAT |
 WHAT |
 WHAT |
Apparently, Moulton is a babyfur, adult baby, needs to wear a bra because of his moobs and deliberately wears diapers so he can shit on himself.
There are like a million more like these, just seach using any of his aliases - Baby Matthew, Farfoos, etc.
| —BabyMatt Moulton |
If (dumb+ass) = dumbass, then what does (fat+onideus) make???
a) fat dumbass
b) dumb fatass
c) onideus fat dumbass (+stupid fucking shit), dumb fatass
d) all of the above
Moultard vs. ED & Wikipedia, with a special guest appearance by The Reaver
When he discovered this article, Hatter made over 9000 attempts to either delete it or transform it into a absurdly complementary article about himself that he had written. After his various socks were b& by ED admins, he created the same article on Wikipedia and then furiously threatened to DDOS Wikipedia's servers after their mods baleeted it. Of course, this threat was never carried out because he's a flabby, inept coward.
| —Onideus Mad Hatter |
"The Reaver" is a spambot Hatter claims to have written to inflict his terrible vengeance on a world that has rejected him; he's threatened Wikipedia and ED with it, but of course it doesn't exist or he would have actually used it.
Later, Matthew completely contradicted himself by writing the following in the comments section of the New York Times troll article:
| —Onideus Mad Hatter |
Of course, after "goading us" into creating this article he then blanked it a bunch of times. ALL PART OF THE PLAN GUYS. Wait...what?
Moultard vs. Something Awful
Like all wannabe trolls, the Moultard joined Something Awful in a valiant attempt to wreak vengeance upon them after his favorite babyfur forum was mentioned by SA[7] and was, of course, banned by Lowtax before one could say "GTFO YOU FAT BASTARD". As usual, vengeance was sworn:
Moultard vs. SASS
Recently, everyone's favorite Wal-Mart employee went to SASS and repeated his usual performance, except this time, they let him stick around for the lulz. SASS systematically tore down every claim Matty ever made, including "hacking" and "destroying" SA and PoE, his perpetual motion machine, and his 1337 coding skills. One SASShole even took a good look at his GOD-LEVEL coding and tried to make it work, which resulted in the server that Fatter's stupid website was hosted on to crash. Blubbering with rage, Fat Hatter did what any butthurt Tartlet would do and dug up the TOS for SASS's provider, threatening to destroy everything. SASS just rolled their collective eyes and kept laughing at him.
Recently, Baby Matt has been getting pissy because SASS hasn't awarded him with the big payoff of a ban, which to his fucked-up logic equates to win. His new tactic is to claim that his hacking threats on SA, PoE, Wikipedia and ED are just a delusion created by the SASS hivemind followed by accusing members of SASS of leveling death threats at him while namedropping the FBI. They called Matt out on his bullshit lies, repeatedly requesting him to link to the posts containing said threats. True to form, he quickly made several attempts to dodge the question and change the subject.
Mad Hatter also revealed the true current extent of his education: he's certified to operate an electric pallet jack, an accomplishment that he is inordinately proud of.
Lulz available here,here,hereand here (all way tl;dr)
After SASS mysteriously disappeared in November 08, Matty claimed responsibility for its downfall:
 Fatboy waddles onto the scene |
 lol |
 Internet Tough Guy |
Baby Julie vs. Selectbutton
It can only be described as one of those "damnable things" when, in a weird collision of worlds, Hatter appeared on the forums of gaming site Selectbutton in a thread about Bob's Game. Although he claimed to have been following the thread for weeks, his reputation for truthfulness suggests that he followed one or more of the links from Portal of Evil. Hatter quickly took over the thread, because the Internet exists for FatHatMatt to talk about himself. Things get really weird on page 38, when Bob offers to buy him a Something Awful account (not knowing, of course, that Hatter was banned from SA long ago) if he'll go trash their Bob thread.
This ED page is dutifully linked, and the Selectbutton inhabitants realize that something strange and fat is in their midst. Baby Matthew snarks that only PoE knows that he's on the Selectbutton forums, and that no one on ED knows about it. This is disproved within minutes when his post is quoted at the top of this very page.
As the Hatter spam increases in volume and venom, the forumgoers begin to drown him out with multiple autostreaming YouTube music videos, making some of the pages impossible to load. Hatter goes off in a huff to post on other threads, and is promptly banned by the admins. Predictably, he retreats to his own blog to cry about the mean people and weep buttery tears.
He finally discovers that ED knows that he knows that ED doesn't know about him, and uses his 1337 skillz to hack ED by clicking on the "history" button. Fatter goes on a mission to discover who put his quote on this page (in another amazing coincidence, it turns out to be the same humble, witty and tirelessly truth-seeking person that wrote this very paragraph). Some extraordinary Internet detective work proves that someone with the same username made a single post on PoE only seven years ago, and is therefore, obviously, a PoE regular. He posts about this "victory" on his blog, presumably so he can read it over and over while cackling in lardy glee, because no one else will ever see it.
Matty vs. Thermodynamics
Or, The Perpetual Moulton Machine
In the fall of 2008, Moulton announced to the mighty intellects of Usenet that he was applying for a patent. Was it for the revolutionary Interpixel Cascade Fusion? Nooooo! Was it the perfect liquid website? Nooooo. It was, in fact, for a "geomagnetric resonence energy generator" (sic) (see here). Or, in normal English, a perpetual motion machine.
| —Baby Matt, always learned and eloquent |
Since Hatter is as ignorant as the day is long, he doesn't realize that the US Patent Office no longer awards patents for ridiculous perpetual motion machines without proof that they work (i.e. never), and that him calling his woo-woo device a "perpetual energy drive" is not the cunning ploy he thinks it is.
Fatter vs. Dramachan
In November 2008, Fatter graced Dramachan with his presence, and Onideus was suddenly faced with his greatest foe: a bombardment of BEANS. This is probably the best way of dealing with Onideus, and beans are far more interesting than anything that slips past his shit sucking lips. You could feel his rage gathering in retaliation to having a mere vegetable placed upon a pedestal way above him, so watching him acknowledge that the general public places him below a vegetable in a popularity contest is a truly satisfying pastime (especially when he panics and tries to boast about his LOL ORIGINAL Care Bears script and cookie cutter RPG in the making). Sadly, the thread has long since abandoned the beans concept in the face of Oni's massive stupidity and giant walls of text; it is over 28 pages long, and after a month or so of being kept on life support, the thread is finally dead.
Fatter vs. the furries
Sometime in 2008, Onideus was banned from FurAffinity, probably for being an obnoxious fat fuck. Instead of taking the hint, Fatter decided he'd get back at those mean ol' furries by starting a furry art dump site of his own...one that just happens to have the same name as the site he was banned from. Unfortunately, Fatter seems to have let two facts slip through his mind:
- A couple of popular furry art dump sites exist: deviantArt and FurAffinity.
- It takes a lot more than hatred and "god coder skills" to run an art dump site that's even halfway decent.
He claims that the interface for his counterfeit site will be based fully in Flash and, like his Usenet "froups", it'll be damn near impossible to get banned from the site for anything except child porn. The Dramachan thread linked above features more of his bragging about how his site is going to eventually replace FurAffinity.
Presently, his FurAffinity knockoff is still in "development"; the site contains nothing but potshots at people on FurAffinity and Dramachan, and as its content hasn't changed and new content hasn't been added for months, it'll likely become another of Baby Matt's many failed, abandoned projects.
Fatter Uncensored
Despite going to great pains to build a completely unworkable Flash-driven "blog" on his own website, Baby Matthew has recently created a free Blogger blog called Onideus Uncensored. It's exactly what you'd expect after reading this page: recycled South Park jokes and anime music videos, punctuated with back-patting for destroying Portal of Evil, an achievement tantamount to raping a dead dog.
This blog has now become Matty's prime outlet for posting his trademark infinite butthurt textwalls (not to be confused with Interpixel Cascade Fusion), which have become gradually longer and less coherent as he ages. Banned from all forums that he's frequented, he's now reposting his messages where nobody will see or read them. Other featured content includes hilarious pictures of his house, love poems to Quaker Chewy Granola Bars (which the mountain of lard considers "healthy") and the usual gibberish.
Hatter Speak
The Hatter possesses its own corrupt and degenerate jargon which may cause confusion among those unfortunate enough to encounter one of his posts.
- Interpixel Cascade Fusion - masturbation
- alpha-transparent video - masturbation
- perfect liquid website - masturbation
- netter - masturbator
- froup - circlejerk
- cl00 - cock
Quotes
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Even the Weeaboos reject him
This naturally lead to a self-congratulatory series of Usenet posts, as Fatter attempted to spin getting kicked out of a con into a favorable light. Matt, you have entered a rarefied pantheon occupied by such paragons of human achievement as Tumbles the Stairdragon. Nice work.
Hatter, father of modern rap
Even though he is not black, Matthew often attempts to rap. Naturally, it is terrible.
watch the screen let me take ya on back jump to fourteen you act obscene sniffin benzene all dressed up like Halloween "hi my name's Jolene" a closet teen it's all in yer genes a jumpin bean in the ass crack ravine prayin for an AIDS vaccine hey, hey, let's keep it clean no need to be mean that's just how it's seen in this scene yer the queen
Cocktail time!
Matthew claims his alcoholic beverage of choice to be Green Chartreuse and/or any type of white zinfandel. So, he's either a whining emo fuck or a a closet homosexual.
The Onideus Mad Hatter:
- 2 parts sake
- 1 part apple sourpuss
- 1 part butter ripple schnapps
Add butter & brown sugar to taste. Heat, mix & serve. Serves one enormously fat man.
Gallery of COCK SLAP
Just as Anons make drawings of Chris-chan and other lulzcows, Fatter has inspired his own share of artistic mockery over the years from the PoEtards...
 Diaper-fetishist loser |
 Babyfur Carebears rolyplayer |
 Baron Fatkonen |
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 At some point Fatter decided that a SUPER SEKRIT-looking table would impress people on Usenet |
Dox
Matthew Moulton
548 Edith Avenue, Walla Walla, WA 99362
1-509-522-1337
External links
- Fatter's website
- Fatter Fan Art
- Fatter at Portal of Evil
- Of course, Fatter has a Myspace
- Don't forget to check out his LiveJournal, where he whines about how babyfurs are trolling him!
- Random Fatter Post Generator!
- Fatter proudly discusses his poverty-class income
 Onideus Mad Hatter is part of a series on Dying Alone | Those Who Have Died Alone
Anna Nicole Smith | Brandon Crisp | Charmaine Dragun | Codey Porter | George Sodini | Heath Ledger | Lilo | Megan Meier | Michael Jackson | Mitchell Henderson | Otoya Yamaguchi | Ricardo Lopez | Ripper | Rudolph Zurick | Shawn Woolley | Tyler Dumstorf Those Dying Alone Ahotwheelscar | Anonymous Borg | Argent009 | Bikerfox | Bob Rehahn | ByAppointmentTo | Chris-chan | Chuck M. | David Hockey | Epic fat guy | Fagolescents | GoddessMillenia | Kevin Havens | Lecarick | Nathan Gale | Nullcherri | Pit Viper | Ricki Raven | Rootbrian | Sceptre | Snapesnogger | TheSockDetective | Ulillillia Their Methods 4chan | AIDS | Anime | Booze | Bullying | Dead Friend | DeviantART | Drugs | Fleshlight | Self-seclusion | IRC | Jenkem | Lego | LiveJournal | Lonely | MMORPGs | MUDs | MySpace | Online dating | Online sex games | Plastic Crap | Plenty Of Fish | Vloggerheads | YouTube |
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