Onideus Mad Hatter
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Note: this is an article about an Encyclopedia Dramatica user. For more information, please see the appropriate user page. To leave this user a message, please visit User_Talk:Triskaidekaphobia.
Onideus Mad Hatter (aka Sad Fatter, Moultard, Farfoos, Baby Julie, and now Triskaidekaphobia) is the Internet equivalent of a Renaissance Man, i.e. a fat fucking failure. The egregious Moultard variously claims to be a world-class coder, a Flash wizard, a graphic designer, and all kinds of other ludicrous assertions. In the cold cruel world of reality he's a friendless 26-year old babyfur and Carebears fan who worked the night shift (in diapers) at Dairy Queen (where he claimed to be the manager) before being dismissed for masturbation in 2007 whereupon he went to work at Walmart. Moulton loves to call himself an Inventory Control Specialist, but the world knows him as a Shelf-stocker. He gets quite upset indeed when he is forced by the Man to help his lessers in the pallet unloading crew.
His salary at Walmart is unknown; however, he claimed to make $60/hr (about $125,000/yr) at Dairy Queen, making him the highest-paid fry cook in DQ history. It should surprise no one, therefore, that he owns a $4,000 hat.[1] His well-earned reputation for truthfulness and objectivity leaves little room for doubt of any of this.
The Hatter likes to spend his spare time being a cunt on the Internet, filling his diaper, and pretending to run a half-assed "web design" business called "Backwater Productions" despite knowing less about web design than a 12-year old AOL user with Downs.
His many delusional fantasies of his own achievements include the supposed creation of a new video codec which he calls Interpixel Cascade Fusion (never actually completed or even demo'ed ever); the world-shaking discovery of alpha-transparent video (which the real world discovered in about 1970); and something called a perfect liquid website which is probably some kind of slang for extremely runny diaper play - no one really knows because he hasn't finished it. He also claims to be one of the greatest Flash designers alive, despite the inconvenient fact that 99 percent of his supposed genius coding is in non-working "under construction" versions (see a pattern developing?). Hatter also loves to make empty threats about how he'll hack various websites that have ignored or mocked or banned him, but to no one's surprise, has never manages to carry any of them out.
He also prides himself on his incessant posting to dusty old Usenet Groups (or "froups" as they're called by the profoundly retarded) like it's some kind of amazing accomplishment and all the non-crazy folk didn't abandon Usenet at least 100 years ago. He is probably devoted to Usenet because it is not possible to be banned from it, which is why the whole thing is a mess of trolls and spammers which no sane person bothers to visit. His Usenet sig is the longest in history, consisting of over 60 lines of Hatter self-quotes in a pathetic attempt to look k3wl.
He's the world's most expert programmer (just ask him), but loudly claims to prefer his Wal-Mart job because it is more fulfilling to put boxes on shelves all day for peanuts. When a senior engineer at Microsoft questioned his expertise, he submitted as evidence a program he'd written in C++. Unfortunately, he neglected to compile it as a release build -- so the debug information was included -- and when run under the debugger it revealed itself to be homework for a beginning C++ class.
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[edit] Moultard vs. Portal of Evil
Hatter started posting at the Portal of Evil back in late 2003 after some gay fucking anime site got listed, and after witnessing fatty's extreme cuntiness, Kthor decided to list Moulton's own "website" on the Portal.[2] He soon proceeded to rack up thousands of futile and idiotic posts, most of which were deleted by the admin Chet when fatty was banned.
Hatter was allowed to creep back under a new alias in 2005, under which he managed to make another 3,000+ posts full of nonsensical babble and retarded catchphrases. It was, admittedly, morbidly interesting to watch Hatter flail about as he so desperately tried to convince himself that he was something other then an overweight, blubbering, rancid mass of butter, but all good things must come to an end and his unsightly grease-soaked ass was finally booted from PoE in late December 2006.
He then returned to his usual haunts on Usenet where he denounced Chet, PoE, and Kthor in a series of dumb and screechy posts and suspected everyone of being a "Poetard".[3]
On July 1st 2007 Chet's flakey Portal of Evil code suffered a massive failure and let the fat fuck log in again.[4] However, he was soon ejected and as usual withdrew to Usenet where he vowed buttery revenge:
Naturally he failed to actually make good on any of these threats. If talk is cheap, 6,000+ posts on a message board dedicated to making fun of you must be the steepest volume discount of all time.
Hatter is currently posting on PoE as user "Your_Daddy"[6] and while not defending practitioners of bestiality, he furiously denies that he's the fatter though of course his retarded catchphrases and juvenile spelling are a total giveaway.
[edit] Moultard vs. ED & Wikipedia
After discovering this article, Hatter made over 9000 attempts to either delete it or change it to a absurdly complementary article about himself which he had written. After his various socks were b& by ED admins, he created the same article on Wikipedia and then furiously threatened to DDOS Wikipedia's servers after their mods baleeted it. Of course, this threat was never carried out because he's a flabby coward.
[edit] Moultard vs. Something Awful
Like all wannabe trolls the Moultard joined Something Awful in a valiant attempt to wreak vengeance upon them after his favorite babyfur forum got mentioned by SA[7] and of course got banned by Lowtax[8] before one could say "GTFO YOU FAT BASTARD". As ever, vengeance was sworn:
[edit] Hatter Speak
The Hatter possesses its own corrupt and degenerate jargon which may cause confusion in those unfortunate enough to encounter one of his posts.
- Interpixel Cascade Fusion - masturbation
- alpha-transparent video - masturbation
- perfect liquid website - masturbation
- netter - masturbator
- froup - circlejerk
- cl00 - cock
[edit] Quotes
- ...if I had cancer I would simply create a means to deal with it myself, patent it, build it and obliterate the nuisance. To me, getting cancer would be more of an insignificant bother than anything. I also work best under pressure of deadlines, so it wouldn't take long to cure it.[9]
- I'm supposed to be some kind of a genius...least that's what people tell me.[10]
- I've often said, my will is without any doubt *THE* most powerful force that exists within the universe. I have no proof of it per se...but I don't need proof, it is an unfaltering belief, as deeply rooted and ingrained as a preacher who believes in God, *I KNOW* it is true and it is within me at ALL times, it *IS* me. `, )[11]
- Has anyone else besides me noticed that their forums (SA) look like the spastic crayon dribblings of a mildly retarded third grader strung the fuck out on pixie stix? I mean, I don't mean to nitpick or anything, but holy shit, if yer gonna charge yer drooling power ranger watching, pog collecting, pissy pants poser user base ten fuckin bucks for access the very LEAST you could do is put in the time and effort to molest Microsoft Frontpage for a cookie cutter design template that you can use to try and hide your inane deficiency in web design.
- Coincidentally child...I type around 20 to 30 pages worth of text per day...in fact, truth be told, I've probably written more than anyone else in the entire WHOLE of human history.[12]
- (written about himself in the third person) That is the true separating factor between OMH and your average lulz worthy user. OMH will not react over emotionally, he always plays it cool even in the most heated of situations, continually taunting his opponents efforts, talking down to them (referring to them as "cupcake", "sparkles", "sunshine", "dribbles", "downs", etc) and using his technical knowledge to goad people into debates, sometimes even purposefully arguing against himself (or what he's claimed in other posts in other communities). For example in one community he'll claim that On2 VP6 is the bestest codec evar, while in another community, at the exact same time, he'll claim that Xvid is the bestest codec evar. [13]
- (still writing about himself) OMH is quite the experienced web developer and over the past ten years has created dozens upon dozens of sites. His current web site model is largely Flash based often with a PHP back end. Unlike most Flash supporters OMH actually started out making pages using the model that would eventually become known as "AJAX" years before that acronym was ever coined (some of his older sites are still in that form). One of his favorite things to do online is to get people into a debate over Flash vs (insert web form of choice) and then he almost always soundly rips them a new asshole. In several cases I've seen he'll actually go so far as to completely rebuild a person's site and then throw it in their face and taunt them over how much better (faster loading, smaller size, etc) it is over their version. [14]
[edit] Even the Weeaboos reject him
[edit] Hatter, father of modern rap
Even though he is not black, Matthew often attempts to rap. Naturally, it is terrible.
watch the screen let me take ya on back jump to fourteen you act obscene sniffin benzene all dressed up like Halloween "hi my name's Jolene" a closet teen it's all in yer genes a jumpin bean in the ass crack ravine prayin for an AIDS vaccine hey, hey, let's keep it clean no need to be mean that's just how it's seen in this scene yer the queen
[edit] Cocktail time!
Matthew claims his alcoholic beverage of choice to be Green Chartreuse and/or any type of white zinfandel. So he's either a whining emo fuck or a a closet homosexual.
The Onideus Mad Hatter:
- 2 parts sake
- 1 part apple sourpuss
- 1 part butter ripple schnapps
Add butter & brown sugar to taste. Heat, mix & serve. Serves one enormously fat man.
[edit] External links
- Fatter's "website"
- Fatter Fan Art
- Fatter at Portal of Evil
- Fatter has a Myspace
- Fatty seeks love
- Fatty as Farfoos the babyfur
- Random Fatter Post Generator!
Categories: People | Furries | Trolls
