Oprah Winfrey
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| This page has potential but it needs a lot of work. It could benefit from More Oprah related hijinx and updates on the said meglomaniac. Discuss edits that might add to the lulz on this article's talk page. |
Oprah Winfrey is what happens when you mix redneck incest with a classic Hollywood cum stain. She’s an IRL Mary Sue who has literally done everything. She’s smart, beautiful, and is really easy to relate to. Oprah is the kind of woman who tries to be the perfect angst-Sue. Just by learning about her early life then you will see the start of the giant, fat, and sweaty definition of fail.
Contents |
[edit] IRL
Oprah Winfrey was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi to a religious family. Technically, I should just end the article right here, because the rest should be self explanatory. Originally, she was named after Orpah, some Bible fucker, but she was too retarded to pronounce the name. So it became Oprah.
Oprah’s mother and father were two unmarried teenagers. Again... do I really need to continue? Now, if you have listened to Oprah for about twenty minutes, you will realize that she bitches about every little aspect of her life. She’ll probably mention her grandma who beat her when she didn’t finish her chores.
At age six, she moved into the ghetto nigra neighborhood in some backwater town in Wisconsin. There, she said that she was molested by a cousin, uncle, and a family friend. Sounds like a lot right? Damn, she can’t be that good looking.
However, even though she was the village bicycle, she pulled off another Mary-Sue trait by skipping grades and scholarship to some big high school. Even though she was very popular, she didn’t go out with her friends because she was not privileged enough.
Like every other thirteen year-old emo kid, Oprah thought it was cool to rebel. So... with amazing originality... she ran away from home. When she was fourteen she got knocked up, but lost the baby because God decided to be mean to her.
Her mom became fed up with her daughter being a whore and shipped Oprah off to live with her father. Now, this is when the shit starts to pile high. Oprah quickly became the Most Popular Girl. She won contests and was a great drama student. She won a contest for a full scholarship to a great nigra college and even won the Miss Black Tennessee Beauty Pageant. How do you say... ah... SUEEEEEEE!!!!
[edit] The Oprah Winfrey Show: Oprah goes Hollywood!!1
Years later Roger Ebert needed to look thin without actually doing anything. Oprah, then the size of a continent, had rolled herself out of bed to get a new salt lick and ended up rolling and panting herself into Roger Ebert's heart. Even though they only dated, Oprah claims he was the one who told her to go and do her own show!
While Oprah was Ebert's bitch, she learned ancient fat-person mind control techniques (used by fat people everywhere to get donuts and sympathy). However unlike other blimps, she used Ebert to gain access to Television. With her newly honed fat-powers, she brainwashed millions with her message "Since I’m black, and sophisticated, you will obey me!" Now The Oprah Winfrey Show is the highest rated talk show in American history, watched by fat, lonely, and trashy romance novel reading housewives everywhere.
Oprah continues to use the media for her mind control and now even has her own underground religion. The current Super Oprah Books of Holiness are currently disguised as a list of books that she thinks are worthy enough to pass her floppy, slobbering jowls without being mistaken as a pork chop. Seriously.
Even now her powers continue to grow. She even got half of America to read War and Peace. War and Fucking Peace!
But books are not enough anti-lulz for our dear Oprah. No. She has to drag her own God damn personal life into it. In fact, that’s why all the women love her. She’s so brave, being so honest about herself. Or this: It takes real courage to tell the world that you’re on a diet because you’re overweight. That’s not fucking courage! That’s the real fucking world ho-slapping you in the fucking face!
Critics of Oprah disappear and are rumored to end up on a kebab for when OPRAH EAT (the 'super-massive drama whore' equivalent to the munchies).
Oprah had to come out and say she was overweight. She was about to break the fucking camera! All her assistants had tried to play it off that she was just reacting under “camera weight” but a camera doesn’t turn you into a hippo. So Oprah did what every other attention loving woman would do. She announced to the loving America that she was going on a diet.
And millions of women had mind shattering orgasms as they screamed about how brave, original, and unique she was.
Now after she uses the my past is so horrible and realistic, or the I’m fat and am trying a new diet, she sometimes has to resort to going into other people’s lives. So she takes celebrities in. The only time it has ever backfired was the infamous Tom Cruise jumping on the couch incident.
[edit] A Million Little Pieces
It only took a matter of time before Oprah was taken advantage of. Since she loves books, Oprah gets wet every time she has the chance to have a best seller on her show. So along came James Frey, who was very willing to give interviews about his own horrible life filled with alcohol, crime, and drugs.
Oprah took to the book like cake. She loved it. And since she loved it, her audience loved it. They talked about it for days, the book quickly becoming sold out at stores. She kept on ranting and raving about the accuracy and twists that the nonfiction biography included. James sat on the New York Best Sellers list for 15 weeks because of Oprah and all of her ranting.
That was when someone stood up in the dark corner in the back and said, "Hey, this doesn't really seem all that accurate, Oprah."
BOOM! Oprah blew a gasket. She had been had on national television and was made a fool of. She had spouted about how hard a man's life was when all he did was go on Wikipedia and look up buttsex and anal fissures. Frey quickly shit his pants. Oprah had become his enemy, and the rest of overweight America with her.
James stuttered and tried to blow it off. Bad fucking move. He went back on the Oprah Winfrey Show... AFTER everyone knew that he was a liar. He tried and failed to get his reputation back, but Oprah bitch-slapped him across the face, bringing him down hard on his ass in front of millions of Americans.
[edit] Popular Opinion
It has often been speculated as to why Oprah refuses to shut the fuck up, even though at least 100% of people think she is a whiny feminist who should be chained to the kitchen. Several high-ranking officials, such as George Bush and Rosie O'Donnell have been heard stating that she should go get raped again. Maybe she will learn her place if her butt hole is two sizes bigger.
In fact, Rosie O'Donnell offered to do the raping herself.
[edit] Hollywood
Last Thursday, Oprah signed on for a deal with Spielburg to do a film, and since Spielburg is amazing, then everyone automatically linked his name to hers. She played a fat black woman, and would like to blame this film role for her morbid obesity. But the plan old truth is, when women get too famous too fast, they gain weight faster than George Bush’s IQ drops.
[edit] What this all means?
What does all this success mean? It means that black people around the world are overjoyed while white women still sit on their ass and cry over Oprah’s hard and sad past. It also means that she is Queen of All Media and that Howard Stern has to watch his ass before she eats it. Oprah is also the living proof that all you need to do is get diddled by enough people at a young enough age, that you will be famous for being an incest bicycle.
Something that should give her hope is that she does not plan on continuing her show after 2011. Just keep on waiting, right?
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
|
Oprah Winfrey is part of a series of topics related to Black People. ☻ |
|
