Portland
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Portland, Oregon: The Rose City in the Beaver State.
No wonder it’s so full of pussies.
Contents |
All About Portland
Portland has a reputation for being high-minded, progressive and full of unwarranted self-importance. It is widely known as the whitest, laziest, most racist burg west of New Orleans, in spite of what anyone with a case of butthurt hometown loyalty will tell you.
Portland is Brad Fitzpatrick’s old-school spawning pool and west coast connection for hookers and blow. He can often be seen rolling, Riding Dirty and being hated at on 82nd avenue, hitting every one of Portland’s legendary strip clubs he can get tossed out of. Some argue that he started Six Apart in an effort to get more pierced, tattooed and unshaven Anarcho-Portlander snatch through LJ's ingenious social networking powers. All he ended up doing was sowing the seeds of LJDrama and therefore, by extension, Encyclopedia Dramatica's glorious commonwealth.
Much of the legendary Mediacrat debacle involved the now-defunct Portland community as well as the city itself. The citizens of Portland have a natural talent for drama.
Much of the town is owned by skin-rag publisher and strip-club impresario Frank Faillace. By exploiting his tenuous links to organized crime, Frank has obtained a stranglehold on Portland's titty-bar and shitty-local-bands nightlife scene. Then he gave his worthless film-school fucktard of a son Frank Jr. a job at his flagship enterprise, the abysmal Dante's, an excellent club if your idea of a good time is getting your head smashed in by overzealous bouncers while ugly strippers breathe fire and wield chainsaws as part of some brain-dead asshole's conception of "alternative" erotic entertainment.
PROTIP: Frank is a douchebag but he's been known to pack heat when shaking down local strip-club owners, so don't fuck with him.
Portland is also home to once daring but now tedious novelist Chuck Palahniuk. His trashy, pretentious books have become required reading for yuppies who want to seem "edgy." One of his novels was made into a highly successful film, Fight Club, which bolstered his career as a writer-who-failed-to-live-up-to-his-early-potential. Chuck is a highly visible Portland resident, and can often be seen enjoying typical Portland activities such as getting drunk, going to strip clubs, and erm...getting drunk in strip clubs. Although primarily a fag, he has an omnivorous sexual appetite, and frequently scours local dive bars for fresh young hipster meat to feed into the maw of his insatiable lust. Nearly every person, male or female, in Magic Gardens on any given night has fucked Chuck at least twice. He's also a regular participant in Portland's Santa-Con, an annual event in which obnoxious assholes dress up as Santa Claus and go on a downtown drinking spree. It's not as much fun as it sounds, as anyone who has any real fun will end up getting arrested, because the PPD doesn't put up with that shit.
Due to the permissiveness of liberal fucktardry, and the fact that there's fuck all else to do in this God-forsaken town, Portland is believed to have the most strip clubs per capita of any U.S. city. Portland has over 50 strip clubs while, to put the situation in perspective, the "great" city of Seattle has only four. 50:4 = almost 13 strip clubs for every one that Seattle has. While this may make Portland seem like the promised land to horny wastrels, it should be borne in mind that there is a painful dearth of attractive women, which means that titty-bars have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to keep all those poles occupied during business hours.
History
Once upon a time, while America was still in beta format, Thomas Jefferson bought at least 100 acres of bandwidth from France. At the time, Napoleon was still trying to win his IRL game of Civilization III in Europe and was in desperate need of more resources. Thomas Jefferson took a break fucking slaves to find a pair of testers to check his new purchase for bugs and potential 'sploits that Canada or Mexico might use against America v.3.11 (for Workgroups), and two Virginians named Lewis and Clark volunteered and had an epic expedition.
After hearing about Lewis and Clark’s expedition, a bunch of Christfags named Pioneers decided to follow them, thus inspiring one of the greatest video games of all time. After reaching Oregon, they all needed a place to smoke their injun weed and make beer that they could claim was better than God’s own piss. These are traditions that continue to this day.
Geography and Climate
Portland suffers from a constant and unrelenting downpour of rain. Portlanders whine and blame everyone from Al Gore to Tay Zonday for this fact instead of buying an umbrella or getting the fuck out.
Culture
Portland is the perfect place to travel if you want to feel morally inferior. Pee-town's claim to fame is their supreme tolerance towards everyone and ultimate understanding of how difficult life is. They care about the children in Africa and give jew gold to Wikimedia.
Much of hipster/metrosexual fashion in America found its roots in Portland, as evidenced by most LJ users. In fact, it is impossible to tell the difference between your typical Portland citizen and a hardcore flaming fgt from anywhere else in the world.
People in Portland loev serious business, especially when it comes to politics, racism, and soup. Jameth proved the lattermost by asking some Portlanders about Phở on damnportlanders.
Politics and Demographics
Ideologies in Portland range from people who masturbate to Faux News to sXe anarchist cooks. Portland outweighs the rest of Oregon in terms of bleeding-heart leftards, which is fine because everything east of Portland is a desolate wasteland populated by sodomy-lovin' hillbillies.
People in Portland are incredibly sensitive about their personal beliefs and tend to either go tough guy or dial the waaaambulance immediately after hearing something offensive. In spite of Portland’s obsession with irony and sarcasm (but not [[satire), nobody there can take a fucking joke. Everyone preaches high-minded tolerance to the hilt and will instantly cry a river if you say the word nigger.
This is hilarious, since 77% of the city is white and above the poverty line. Portlanders will tell you that they love black people and that black people love them even as they line the next one up to the curb for a stomping. Honest Portlanders join the TVS or move to Idaho and join the Klan.
Hipsters make as many black friends as possible in an effort to pull it off legit. Some even learn how to almost rap.
The Secks Industry
People love to brag about how there are moar strip clubs there per capita than any other city in the United States, including Las Vegas and San Francisco. This is due to the high number of batshit Libertarians that populate the rest of Oregon and demand their rights to bear arms and get lap dances every Friday. The sex industry is massive in Oregon, although everyone selling themselves for cash most definitely will give you AIDS, especially if you go to one of Portland’s many YMCAs or premium bathhouses.
Suicide Girls is based out of Portland, where one can see them sexily buy groceries and go to the park with their children.
Homelessness
Homelessness is considered fashionable in Portland, and a perfectly acceptable career choice. Rich attention-whoring emo kids will ditch their parents and their Linkin Park albums to go form street families in order to get themselves a sense of street cred and belonging. To maintain their hXc rep, they will stab, rape, steal, have public sex and make the Portland Business Alliance pass laws that make standing and sitting illegal.
Actual poor kids in Portland get jobs.
Beer
There are two types of beer snobs in Portland: those who drink PBR and sneer at everyone who drinks microbrews and those who drink microbrews and sneer at everyone who drinks PBR. If you do not fall into either of these categories, you won’t have any friends.
Guide to Being Cool in Portland
- Ride a bike that costs as much as a new car
- Have a nigga steal said bike
- Tell people "I Don't Watch TV"
- Be black
- Become "friends" with sum blacks
- Make an hero pr0n for Sean Suhl
- Do heroin
- Be hXc sXe
- Make Pruno
- Wear a Civil War cap (replacing the trucker cap as the #1 most popular addition to the hipster uniform)
- Become an ED sysop
Portland's Alternate Names
- Suicideville
- Meth Central
- San Francisco's Refugee Camp
- The One City Canada Did Not Want
Photographic Tour of Portland
The Rest of Oregon
- Eugene - Portland Lite. Portland for people who know better (or are just too goddamned chickenshit or poor). More genuine bums, fewer strip clubs.
- Springfield - Eugene's shriveled Siamese twin.
- Salem - Purgatorio
- Eastern Oregon - See Idaho.
See Also
External Links
- Portland Indymedia - WARNING: SFB
- Damn Portlanders!
