Patcondell

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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"Cowabunga daddy-o! You kids still say that right?"

Pat Condell is a senile, atheist internet comedian. Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, he spends his days locked in his grandkid's attic, trolling on YouTube and desperately trying to convince any nubile teens who'll listen that he's a pretty cool guy. Like all old people, Condell is deeply racist and hates none more than Arabs, even going so far as to suggest that Muslims hijacked planes on September 11th when we all know that to be completely ridiculous. In response to his blasphemous YouTube videos on the one true faith, Allah deliberately gave him the fame and notoriety to lead the rock and roll lifestyle he had always craved, but at a time in his life when his cock has ceased functioning and any drugs he takes need ground into a fine paste or in suppository form. This proves that despite the protests of his followers, Allah at least has a great sense of humor (someone needs to, Condell is the least funny comedian of all time).

History

This badly drawn pig is the pinnacle of his comedy genius and littered across his website.

YEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!

Stand-up Comedy

Old man Condell's website loves to regale interested parties of his awesome career in stand-up comedy, the fact that he has to inform people that he once was is proof of his popularity. Despite the poor attempts at name dropping, his biggest claim to fame was going to see Bill Hicks once and thinking he was shit. In other words the biggest moment of his career was when he sat in the audience watching a real comedian and didn't get any of the fucking jokes.

YouTube

In 2007 Pat Condell posted the following response to the atheist trollfest that was the YouTube Blasphemy Challenge.

The angry online atheist community actually found this to be by far the funniest and cleverest response to the challenge, which says more about the complete sense of humor bypass the other entries must have had than anything positive about the quality of Condell's performance. Regardless, Condell for the first time in his life found a place where people actually laughed at his jokes, and, trading the empty beer bottles in clubs he was used to having thrown at him on stage for the empty threats in all caps of internet tough guys, gave up stand-up comedy altogether and settled into YouTube minor celebrity status.

Notable Achievements

Condell has never achieved anything of value in his life.

accept that he can suck his own dick.

Trolling YouTube

Despite the average length of his videos being a normally tolerable five minutes, he still manages to seemingly warp time itself and make them tl;dw, perhaps proof of his own Godlike powers.

MAN	OF	A	THOUSAND
FACES	ORANGE!!1 ORANGE!!1 ORANGE!!1 ORANGE!!1 ORANGE!!1 ORANGE!!1 ORANGE!!1

Orange t-shirt madness aside, despite making over 50 videos, he might as well have uploaded the same one 50 times because they are all. The. Exact. Same. Fucking. Rant. Condell's style differs from most YouTube atheist rants because, rather than offering any persuasive arguments for or against the existence of God, he cuts straight to the good stuff and calls priests, pedos, Muslims, rapists, and Jesus a fag.

Christianity

A typical Christian with traditional pussy deflector to preserve chastity well into his 40s.

In his video, Was Jesus Gay?, Condell essentially copies every 13 year old boy's trolling technique, but stretched it out into a rant over 5 minutes long.

“	I've heard it suggested from some people, that Christians are so irrationally obsessed with this subject because deep down they are terrified that Jesus himself might have been gay. There's no real evidence for it, but then theres no real evidence for anything to do with religion, so yeah, I'll buy it. Well, keep an open mind, that's what I always say... There's a missing passage from the gospel according to Mark that actually describes Jesus spending the night with a naked youth. We're told that the youth came to Jesus wearing a linen cloth over his naked body and he stayed with him that night for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God. I bet he did, along with a one or two other little mysteries while he was at it. Well, why not? He was only human.	„
—Old man Condell, trolling Christians at full force.

“	dis guy is a dick who does he think he iz im a muslim and i take my religion serious and diz guy is a dick if you are watching PATCONDEL i think you should get life insurance cause noone says anything bad about jesus WARNING!	„
—A fan, explaining that Jesus is serious business.

Judaism

A typical Jew.

“	I like the Jews the best. When I say I like them, I think all 3 religions are an insult to humanity, but Jews don't do quite as much complaining and privellege seeking as the other two dogmas and more importantly; whereas Muslims and Christians want everybody else to believe what they believe, Jews don't give a damn what you believe as long as you leave them alone.	„
—Old Man Condell selling out for the Juden.

In light of Condell's treatment of Islam, it should come as no surprise that he is in league with the Jews and as such gives little or no real criticism of this cancer on the planet earth. In fact, in videos he actually defends the Jewish from Muslims. As one astute observer pointed out:

“	this basterd is a kike!!! a cryto jew. jew allowas athiest in their religion. he is drumming for war, to get rid all goyems!! a good jew is a dead jew!	„

Islam

Since Muslims are the only group vigilant enough about their faith to genuinely care about the ramblings of an old man on the internet, they are the focus of most of Condell's trolling.

A typical Muslim.

“	I don't want to be too hard on Islam here, for two reasons: firstly because I don't want to be murdered by some hysterical, self-righteous, carpet-chewing, book-burning Muppet with shit for brains.	„
—Pat, refusing to do the lulzy thing and get killed.

Although Condell regularly insults Islam, many Muslims remain unfazed, confident that World Domination in the name of Allah is imminent.

“	STUPID BRITISH FUCK U ARE JUST MAD BECAUSE ISLAM IS TAKING OVER AND WE ARE GOING TO WHIPE U ATHEISTS CHRISTIANS AND JEWS OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH INSHALLAH	„

Scientology

A typical Scientologist.

In order to reach out to all the cool kids of the internet that stick a poor copy of a V mask on their faces, he even made a video about Scientology. His lack of a even a notion about what the wonderful Church was actually about was confessed, however having watched at least one documentary on the subject like the rest of the valiant crusaders he felt opinionated enough to speak his mind.

“	If Tom Cruise played small movie heroes it would do small people's image a lot of good on this planet. But no, instead he chooses to perpetuate the illusion and enforce the stereotype that tall is good and small is bad. If he's capable of that kind of moral dishonesty in observable life, what's he going to be like when it comes to the mysteries of life?	„
—Condell, Take that Scientology!

Yes, while he has no problem attacking Muslims, he bottles it when it comes to rich white cults and the most he could muster was to call Tom Cruise short. An official Scientologist response was not issued, possibly pending their inevitable lawsuit.

Fans

Atheists

Although Condell rightfully admits that he knows fuck all about anything, his lolreligion style provides wank fodder for anyone who has bought a copy of The God Delusion, and as such has an army of pseudophilosophical fantards to pretend that his words are profound and his jokes are funny. Every single video entry gets at least 100 video "responses" not even vaguely related as to what the fuck he was talking about, making him some kind of anchor point for the angry atheist fundie congregation of YouTube.

Nazis

“	To any white supremacist morons out there who think they can latch onto this video the way they have attempted to with some of my previous videos: Go and take a piss on a live electric rail. I am not your friend. I am your enemy, and I am proud to be your enemy just as I am proud to be the enemy of every creepy Islamofascist on this planet, because you people are two sides of the same coin, and it's an evil, worthless poisonous currency	„
—Pat Condell, attempting to throw Muslims off the scent of his true Nazi affiliations.

Despite protests to the contrary, Condell's attack videos on Muslims, or Johnny Foreigner, are recognized by Nazis as thinly disguised calls to arms to his Aryan brothers, and therefore his videos frequently get posted and are greatly received on Neonazi websites like the BNP.

“	That was first class Pat! UK is a Christian Country! I admire the Australian Minister saying “Australia is a Christian Country if you don’t like it GET OUT!” and guess what! those comments made Australia proud and strong all over the World - over night! Look at the man who dropped the burning Muslim in Glasgow Airport! a hero over the World - we need more like him! These Muslim threats have no place in this country - get them out and bring back the death penalty! Its about time the Lion started to raise its sleepy head Again well done Pat - your words are what everyone thinks yet too frightened to speak due to suppression by the Government.	„
—PHILMACIVER, discussing Appeasing Islam and failing to look up what an atheist is.

Drama

In the exciting corner of the internet inhabited by the greatest theologians and scientists YouTube has to offer, there is very little drama to be found as both sides of the theist/atheist divide post tl;dw video rebuttals until one side gets bored and the other claims victory, before repeating the process infinitely. However, due to Old Man Condell's choice of religion to bash, the religion of peace, death threats, protests and drama abound.

Death Threats

ALLAH HU!

“	fuck you looser saudi arabia is the a great country and if i see any i would take the cheapest weapon i have to kill you and the to cut you slices for a dirty meal to my tigers	„
—A fan, doing his bit to break down stereotypes about Saudi Arabia.

“	IF I SEE YU IN PUBLIC I WILL NIFE U .IF U DONT START TAKING DOWN THESE ANTI ISLAM VIDEOS I WILL BE SENDING YOUR PICTURE TO ALL MY BROTHERS IN LONDON (ABOUT 1000 OF THEM) AND THEY WILL DO THE SAME AND YOU WILL HAVE WISHED THAT U WERE NOT EVEN BORN, YOU HAVE 2 HOURS STARTING FROM WHEN YOU SEE THIS MESSAGE ALLAH HU AKBAR	„
—A serious death threat, sent to Condell more than 2 hours ago.

“	What is good about you? Nothing! I kno u have windows in ur house i went there before. so yea expect a nice surprise. this is not a threat it’s a reminder.	„
—A credible threat, discussing key details noone else could possibly just guess about his house.

“	Let the horse with his bloody dick fuck your innocent sister on your mother’s grave while the dogs are dragging your father’s guts!	„
—This threat almost has a poetic quality to it.

Video Removed from YouTube

“	As I was leaving the shop with my beer, two women happened to walk past wearing Burkas...noone really paid it much attention except for one small child who I overheard describing them to her mother as "letter-box ladies". Which I thought was actually quite inventive and rather charming. But it was also quite offensive so we had the child put to death. No, not really, but it was lucky that neither of the women heard the offensive and insulting remark because obviously each of them had their head encased in a cloth sack.	„
—Condell, at 3:27, making racist remarks and blaming them on imaginary children.

Surprisingly, the above call for his white brothers to rise up and drive the Muslim menace out of Britain was taken to be offensive by some people and YouTube had it removed. Atheist fans of Condell quickly responded, largely by making whiny videos about freedom of speech, wrongly thinking that YouTube moderators actually care about any retarded video protest campaign on the site. However, realizing that Condell's channel had many subscribers and therefore incapable of doing any wrong, YouTube eventually reinstated the video, causing a lot of atheist back slapping, deluded that they had any part to play in the process whatsoever.

Health Concerns

With a combination of old age, life choices and a vengeful god, its quite possible that by the time you are reading this Pat Condell has passed on and is being tortured in hell for all eternity. Some things which may speed up the process of his judgment before Allah the Merciful: