Pennsylvania
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Pennsyltucky is best described as Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with 46,000 square miles of Kentucky in-between. Pennsylvania was once known for its large oil reserves, steel mills and famous sports teams; since 1980, these items no longer exist in Pennsylvania.
Contents |
Alcohol
Pennsylvania is noteworthy for its fucktarded, archaic liquor laws, as the state has a monopoly on wine and hard liquor sales. If you find yourself in Pennsylvania (in which case you will require booze to put up with being surrounded by cow-tipping Klansmen), you have to go to a state store to buy either of those things (or a winery, or one of the state's rare outlets for wine). However, you will not be able to get beer. If you want beer, you have to go to a beer distributor. However, you will only be able to buy 24-packs. If you want to buy a six-pack, you have to find an open bar, which will rape you for the cost. Sometimes pizza places carry forties. I don't know why. You will not find alcohol in gas stations or grocery stores, because unlike normal states, Pennsylvania is mentally retarded.
You will only be able to buy what the state has chosen to sell, and interestingly, the good shit like 190 proof Everclear is just illegal.
The system is supposedly a good thing in that the state buys an assload of alcohol and passes discounts down to you, but that is immediately negated by the fact that the liquor tax is 18% which adds up real fucking quick.
Pennsylvania has a bit in common with Canada in that most of its population lives near its borders - so that they can spend their money on booze in a neighboring state with more relaxed laws. The Pennsylvania legislature are such huge fucktards that they either don't notice this, or it's a plot to keep the citizens away from Harrisburg - the centrally located state capital.
Sightseeing in PA
PA is home to:
- Abandoned steelmills, though they are being demolished in favor of strip malls
- Fluorescent light signs advertising Amish communities
- Climax, PA; not to be confused with Orgasm, PA
- Coal mine fires that nobody bothered to put out
- Orange construction barrels and "ROAD WORK AHEAD" signs from March to December
- A full and rich array of different potholes, some large enough to swallow yachts
- Endless coal mines, open shafts and vents
- McKeesport - record holding ghetto of the "First double-homicide of 2008" and "First Vehicular Manslaughter of 2009" awards
- PENNDOT - the largest government troll organization, known for its inability to recognize its own documents
- Rotting rural trailer parks full of northerners proudly displaying the Confederate flag.
The Lehigh Valley Area
At least 100 years ago, the Lehigh Valley area was semi-rural and filled with nice and friendly human beings. For some reason (after 9/11), New Yorkers, Jerseyites, and Nigras flooded the area. They built large developments and overcrowded the schools. This led to massive increases in property taxes to pay for school budgets, which pissed off all of the native residents. The crime rate went from about 0.001 to over 9000. Scranton (home to the show The Office and pretend home of Joe Biden) is also in this area.
How to tell who is a local:
- Last name is Kresege, Palmer, Burger, Gower, Borger, Heckman, Gould, Getz, Frantz, Shaffer, Kunkle...or any other German-sounding name.
- Last name is a local store.
- they hunt, fish, wear camo, etc...
- Own over 9000 guns and/or acres of land.
- Say "Don't ya know, now.", add "now" or "anymore" to the end of every other sentence, and/or speak with a "Pennsylvania Dutch" accent.
- Hate people from NY and NJ.
How to tell who is not a local:
- Are nigras.
- Are not white.
- Live in developments.
- Whine about how they hate PA and want to move back to NY or NJ, but never will.
- Are retarded.
- Talk like a New Yorka'.
- Cannot drive well or ride your ass like a dumb fuck.
- Don't tip at the car wash.
- Have AIDS.
Things to do in PA
- Get drunk, vomit on sidewalks.
- Become a Scranton cop and start shooting niggers.
- Commit suicide.
- Watch two hound dogs fuck in the middle of the street.
- Drive around for no reason, because you have nothing better to do.
- Go to Bucks County, the shittier version of Philadelphia.
- Whistle for a cab.
-
People-watchWait nine hours for a bus (Pittsburgh only). - Visit Andy Warhol's grave (A 2 minute walk from That Thing There's house).
- Anthrocon - Held annually at the Pittsburgh-Westin/David L. Lawrence Convention Center.
- Get harassed by the Philadelphia Parking Authority.
- Drive four hours to State College just to get an ice cream cone. Hey, it's good ice cream.
- Become Mayor of Pittsburgh, then change your name from Luke Ravenstahl to Luke Steelerstahl [1].
- Win 6 Superbowls.
- Wish that you could buy cheap booze.
- Move back in with your parents.
- Train spotting at Horseshoe Curve (Altoona), Steamtown (Scranton), PA RR Museum (Strasburg), Atheist Station (Gallitzin), and other foamer hangouts.
- Take out of state guests to Centralia to watch the ground smoke.
- Complain about the stink lines rising off the Amish guy standing behind you in line at Wal-Mart.
State Facts
- State Nickname: The Failstone State / The State of Dependence
- State Motto: "Quit littering, this isn't New Jersey"
- State Population: A handful of citizens
- State Mammal: Furries
- State Bird: Titcock
- Key exports: USAirways (North Carolina), guidos, coal, old people
- Key imports: Truck Nuts, NRA bumper stickers, Jack Chick pamphlets
- Claim to fame: Budd Dwyer
- State Joke: Men At Work
Lulzworthy and Legendary Citizens
- Adf-fuensalida
- Alan The Panda
- Budd Dwyer
- Billy Mays (Not even OxiClean could rid us of him completely.)
- Richard Poplawski
- Ed Rendell
- Trent Reznor
Rick SantorumBullshit, he lives in Virginia- Will Smith
- Brenda Williams
- George Sodini
- These EDiots
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