Perez Hilton
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Mario was pwnd IRL, you can halp by detailing the drama. Viva Fidel. |
Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr., aka Perez Hilton, bitch-douche-cunt, and coollava1978 on his AIM, is a queeny greaser attention whore who got himself seriously depilated and bleached then set up as the ventriloquist dummy of Paris Hilton's fascist campaign to conquer the media via the internets and leaked pr0n. His website, www.perezhilton.com, is repulsive. A compulsive blogger and general piece of shit, Perez's site is only frequented by 16 year old girls, faggots, transvestites, whores, sick fucks and middle-aged housewives. Many claim that his coverage of Paris Hilton and her friends and family is biased and has been accused of ignoring stories or rumors that casts the slutty heiress in a bad light. But liek, how could anyone possibly get that impression? However, due to no one giving a fuck about Paris Hilton anymore, Mario has dropped her and parasitically attached himself to Lady Gaga and Katy Perry in his continuing bid to be the biggest attention whore ever. He is also, if you haven't realized, a complete faggot. This scum doesn't deserve the faggot-in-brackets.
Overview
As unfunny as he is ghey, the grotesque Perez is a professional ass kisser (of both men and women, but he insists on using the tongue), and a MS Paint connoisseur. Perez's main goal in life is to become a celebrity, rich and beautiful. Even TOW acknowledges this: Lavandeira's angle on celebrity gossip includes an unapologetic desire to mingle with and be a part of celebrity culture. He thus often describes celebrity awards shows, clubs, and private events he has attended, and posts photographs of himself with the celebrities he writes about under the "Personally Perez" category of his blog...
But God didn't grant him any gift, either physical, intellectual or artistic, so he's channeling his hatred through deliberately poisonous words, and because of this he later got pwned IRL by the Black Eyed Pea's manager. Also, his mission (apart from being intensely repellent) seems to be to out as many fags as possible. This is because he'd love to see the planet populated only by fags, something that most fags mistakenly believe necessary to become happy themselves as fags.
It was also theorized that his father is actually a donkey. However, this was later disproved when it was discovered that Perez actually lacks the male chromosome, explaining both his unabashed gheyness and his mental retardation.
| — Perez Hilton, in full faggotry |
| — Tourette's Guy, showing how even tolerant people can hate him for being a dumb, effeminate bitch |
LEAVING YouTube FOREVER!!!
Contraction of HIV
On July 24, 2009, Perez Hilton was diagnosed with HIV. This restored the faith of many backslid Catholics, Protestants, Jews and Satanists. The whole world LUL'ed at the news as his health began to deteriorate. Sources have not confirmed or reported how he contracted the virus but many believe it was an act of God.
Perez the clairvoyant
On August 24, 2007 at 3:54 pm, Perez posted on his blog the death of Fidel Castro:
The announcement of Fidel Castro's death will be made at approximately 4:00 P.M. Eastern, PerezHilton.com has just been updated exclusively. To everyone in Miami, please be mindful of each other and keep your safety in mind.
Evidently, Fidel was very much alive at that time, managing to rape one more faggot before he actually dies, after Perez made a total ass of himself.
Miss USA Pageant 2009 Controversy
Mario somehow wormed his way from being a bloviator into being a judge at Donald Trump's Miss USA "pageant" of 2009. Fag/faghag factors apparently trump questions about how an exclusively gay man is qualified to judge one of the world's great soft-core fapfests for adolescent boys.
Mario asked the extremely hot Miss California a trick question about gay marriage, figuring that with leftards still believing that mulatto Jesus is their all-round messiah, he'd have the crowd on his side.
Miss California answered honestly and politely, but it wasn't the answer Mario wanted. He minced off and spent the next week having a gigantic hissy fit on his blog about her answer while boasting about how he'd been responsible for Miss Cali coming second instead of winning.
Copyright Controversy
A group of photo agencies is planning to sue him for using their photographs without permission. The suit alleges that Mr. Hilton—one of the most popular bloggers on the Internet—has been using photos of celebrities such as Britney Spears and Paris Hilton without permission or payment, and that this harms the businesses of the photo agencies. This adds to the two other outstanding suits against Perez Hilton that also allege copyright infringement.
Most bloggers, journalists, news agencies and photographers have claimed that Hilton illegally posts photographs and exclusive content from other sites. However, Hilton has defended his use of the photographs by citing the use of the copyrighted material for satire (defined as legal with or without the permission of the copyright holder in the United States). On November 30, 2006, celebrity photo agency X17 filed a lawsuit against Hilton in federal court, seeking over $ 7.5 million in damages for copyright infringement.
Further Controversy
- Mario is also being sued by Universal Studios for posting a stolen picture of Jennifer Aniston topless. The picture was supposedly from a scene of Aniston's film, The Breakup, but never made it to the big screen. It was said that Mario "illegally obtained a copy of all or part of the stolen footage."
- Lindsay Lohan's ex-girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, is suing Perez Hilton for $20 million. This celebrity DJ and bulldyke lesbian is miffed that Perez claimed she was making money by tipping off paparazzi on her special friend. She also takes issue with the site's reports that Ronson was responsible for the cocaine found in LiLo's car the night of her most recent traffic accident.
- Zomba and the Rape by Instant Anal Assault decide they want to sue Perez for at least 100 million dollars for putting 10 of Britney Spears's shitty songs on his shitsite. Now that's a shitload of money. Zomba says it's "serious fucking businesses" so they are going to take legal action. Can you say butthurt?
Perez Gets KTFO (cries like teh biatch)
Last Thursday in Toronto at the MuchMusic Video Awards after party, Perez (being his noble self) called Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas a "faggot" and "gay" and was promptly punched in the eye by the band's manager (moar irony). The story behind this was that fat-tits had called Black Eyed Peas frontwoman frontman Fergie a whore or something, and also referred to the band's latest album as a piece of shit. Taking offense to this, Will.i.am went to see how much sack Perez had and called him on it. That's when Perez decided to be the classy representative of the gay population and dropped the f-bomb and g-nade. Following that, Perez's fat face was introduced to the manager's fist.
Now crying like the fucking bitch that he is, Mario used his Twatter powers to ask his fans for help.[1] Soon the Canuckistan police (a guy with a plastic fork riding a tricycle) came to the rescue, Perez made a butthurt video about the thing, more videos in response were released showing what a fucking liar Perez is, lulz ensues, the end.[2]
| —Pereth practitheth hith lithp and begth for a bruithing. |
TL;DR Bawwing
Perez released a series of TL;DR rants on his blog, which frequently state that "violence is never the answer". Ironically, Perez Hilton is proof positive that violence has its place. Here are the distilled versions, so you don't have to sit through an even gayer version of Twilight:
 |  |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |  |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
|||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
|||||||||||||||||||||
Some people think that these statements were made for various reasons, including pacifying the advertisers on his site (who were dropping like flies after the incident because of massive letter writing campaigns by both fans and haters), protecting his "brand", and to prevent Canuckistan forces for charging him with a hate crime for calling someone a faggot. Yes, it's illegal to call someone a faggot in Canada. In a further attempt to keep his name in the news play the victim, Perez filed a lolsuit against Polo Molina, the Black Eyed Peas manager that attacked him, seeking monetary compensation for "Infliction of emotional distress". Perez said he planned to donate any money won to the Matthew Shepard foundation, but Judy Shepard, Matthew's mother and head of the foundation, pwned his cheap attempt at good publicity good-hearted gesture by saying she wouldn't take his money because he used the word "faggot" to incite violence.[3]
The Faggot who cried bullshit
Mere days after the video Perez made about the incident with will.i.am's manager!!!! where Perez claims he didn't need to do things for press!!!! Perez posted a blog entry claiming that Michael Jackson had not died!!!! and was simply doing this as a stunt!!!!! Thus proving he is a liar!!!!!
Of course, after MJ was actually pronounced dead, the entry changed and Perez acted like he never wrote this (and he didn't...it was his sister Barbara). That's right, Perez doesn't write for his own site anymore (except when it involves promoting himself in some capacity), because he's too busy being a self-absorbed douchebag with delusions of grandeur "celebrity" to do so.
Recent fails
- Perez got into a Twatter war with Demi Moore over what her stripperific 15-year-old daughter Tallulah was wearing in a picture that was posted onto his site. Perez threatened to sue Demi for "defamation of character" because she called him a pedo for posting the picture, sparking yet another potentially frivolous lolsuit.
- CocoPerez (A name he ripped off of CocoPeru) is a new fashion site that Perez started to cater to "26-year-old women", who supposedly make up a large part of his readerbase. Fails most notably in the fact that Perez knows absolutely nothing about fashion, as seen by his recent outfits. WARNING: EYE BLEACH RECOMMENDED AFTER CLICKING THOSE LINKS!!!! Being the narcissistic douchebag that he is, Perez probably makes Barbara write for this site, too.
- Perez started his own record label under the totally retarded name of Perezcious Records. The label only has one act: Sliimy, a fag from France that looks like Prince but has none of the talent. Perez/Barbara would shove this guy down the throats of his readers for months, annoying the fuck out of them. When Sliimy's album was finally released, it came as no shock to anyone (except Perez) that it was an epic failure.
Perez Hilton Presents...FAIL!!
Last Thursday, Perez decided to take random bands from random genres from random places around the world that no one outside their home country has ever heard of, and have them tour America. Despite annoying the fuck out of his readers and urging them to buy tickets for months, Perez only managed to attract about 250 people a night...these concerts are being held in venues that holds two thousand people. Perez has gotten so desperate to get people to see his shit shows that he's now giving tickets away for free to some of his upcoming stops. Ida Maria, one of the headliners of the tour, was so pissed off by the turnout that she started drinking heavily during shows and quit the tour during the Boston leg.
Keeping in with Perez's narcissistic nature, almost all of the merchandising for the Perez Hilton Presents Tour are related to Perez himself except for one tiny link to Ida Maria's merchandise located on another site DISREGARD THAT, he removed it. Considering Ida Maria isn't even on the tour anymore, that means that Perez isn't selling any merchandise related to any of the bands he is promoting. What a good promoter! BTW, one of the shirts he is trying to sell has his fucking dog on it. Seriously.[4]
Trivia
- Was born with one testicle.
- One of the original members of the "YouTube partners program", which selects some people to share ad revenues.
- Perez is quoted as saying he hates and fears drama involving himself.
- Actually believed Pastor Donnie Davies was a real person.
- Often Perez fucks up and features shit like circle circle dot dot on his so-called blog.
- Millions of viewers read his super-gay blog daily.
- Trolls the site manhunt.com looking for Clay Aiken.
- Mario considers himself "toptastic".
- Wishes to be the little girl
- Mario is into leather, toys, S&M, rimming and exhibition.
- Is completely obsessed with 2girls1cup
- Pro-tip: Mario is deeply afraid concepts of death, and or violence. But fuck aren't we all ?
- Mario treats his fans like shit.
- Is currently being trolled by the Church of Scientology IRL
- Mario is deeply depressed in his personal life; feel free to push him over the edge by reminding Mario how extremely fat and ugly he is.
- Enjoys coke.
- Mario is the love child of actor Vincent D'Onofrio and an AIDS-infected hooker from The Bronx.
- Has manboobs
- Talks like a prep
- Goes on frequent meth-fueled cocksucking rampages.
- Soon after members of various *chans let him know how much he sucks, lulz ensued
Perez Gallery
| Gallery | |||||
|
|||||
|
See Also
\
External Links
- Fuck Perez! (from Wireimage)
- Enter the realms of Hell
- Boycott Perez Hilton! PLZ Support Barack Obama
- IMDb CV Although it doesn't state it here, Mario's first starring role was in VH1's reality series Flab To Fab.
- The Church Of Annette, where Annette is God and Perez is Satan.
- Perez Hilton Makes Us Hate Ourselves
- JuicyUK, mirror of Mario's ManHunt profile.
 |
Perez Hilton is part of a series on Whores. |
|
 |
Perez Hilton is part of a series on YouTube |
| Visit the YouTube Portal for complete coverage. |
