If you haven't looked at ED:LULZ in a while, now is a great time to catch up.
Philippines
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Republic of the Philippines, also known as Pedo Heaven or Loli Land, is a nation of some 9,001 islands located in the Pacific Ocean, not far from China. The people of the Philippines, known as Filipinos, are best known for their overseas service as cafeteria personnel, mini-mart clerks, hotel maids, and transvestite prostitutes in countries around the world. The Philippines itself is a hotspot for sex tourism and pedophilia, as well as for a few AZN “al Qaeda” wannabes who have “taken over” some small villages on one of the islands. It is also the world’s largest exporter of large yellow-ish envelopes, known everywhere as “Manila envelopes.” It's Asia's only kick-ass country. The people are all about the lulz.
Contents |
[edit] History
The Philippine Islands were discovered in 1592 by Spanish explorer Ferdinand Magellan, who was taking his yacht on history’s first round-the-world cruise. After dropping anchor near a scenic beach on the main island and going ashore for a look around, Magellan and his crew were surprised not to find any other humans. There were, however, great numbers of a curious and friendly ape species, which followed the explorers in their sight-seeing tour around the island. By the end of the first day, when Magellan and his men established a campsite and prepared for bed, quite a few of the female apes indicated a desire to cuddle under the covers with the men.
Naturally, these advances met with a mixed reception. In four years of hard sailing, most of the Spaniards were confirmed bachelors, and the notion of physical contact with females of any species was somewhat terrifying. Some of the men, however, still abided by the letter and spirit of Imperial Rome’s ancient motto, “Quicumque Permoveo” (“Anything that Moves”), and since the female apes looked a bit better than some of the negresses they had seen in Africa, they were willing to give these bitches a hard time. In due course, after only a few weeks gestation, the female apes gave birth to a new, hybrid species of Filipino ape-human.
Other Spanish explorers followed. In 1898, however, the United States claimed the islands, since they were at war with Spain about an entirely different topic, Cuba, on the other side of the world, and realized that claiming the Philippines would completely baffle and confuse the Spaniards. When World War 2 came along, it was Japan’s turn to invade and totally freak out the USA, first by forcing all the US soldiers to jog around the Bataan High School track 100 times in full gear (this is jokingly remembered on the History Channel as the “Bataan Death March”), and then by kicking their asses in an archery competition. The Philippines evokes bitter memories indeed for the US military, which can be considered extremely lulzy.
Not wanting to dwell on the past, the United States granted independence to the Philippines in 1946.
Four hundred years of successful interbreeding with Spaniards, Chinese merchants, US military personnel and Japanese sex tourists has led to a race that is generally presentable in human society and indeed, can be considered reasonably attractive, on a comparative scale. There are, however, quite a few characteristics of Filipino culture that remind intelligent observers of their origins.
Im gay
[edit] Language
The official language of the Philippines is called Filipino, known almost anywhere as Tagalog. In reality, the Philippines has over 9000 languages and dialects. Tagalog was chosen to be the official language since it is spoken by an elite minority of river-lovers, the Taga-Ilog people. Due to the forced implementation of Tagalog as the national language, it is now the most widely spoken language after Tagrish, or Englog. Being overused, Tagalog is not kewl anymore.
The most common greeting in Tagalog is "hi-ho, bangalongabingbang;" it can be broken down like so: "hi ho, bang a long a bing bang." Make sure that you enunciate this as much as possible, as if you were to speak it in a limp-tongued, slightly-nasally fashion, it would sound like everything else does in Tagalog, from "I sure wish that I had the class and shoe collection of Imelda Marcos" to "Don't you think you guys would be safer if we sent more Marines here?"
To increase the likelihood of being raped by white people, the usage of English language as a medium of instruction has been mandatory in schools at least 100 years ago. This was also done to turn all Filipinos into call center agents. This only proves true that you need to learn English to survive.
[edit] Religion
Because Spain owned the place for so long, nearly all Filipinos are Catholic. Like all nations with a Catholic majority Christmas is the biggest holiday of the year followed by Easter wherein the natives prepare all year for the Holy Week activities, of which the most important are re-enactments of the Crucifixion. Men carry huge crosses, whip themselves to a bloody pulp, and have themselves nailed to the cross. It a delightful and picturesque spectacle for the tourists, and is all in the spirit of family entertainment.
[edit] Cuisine
Surprisingly, most Filipino cuisine is very much as it was more than 400 years ago, before they got RAPED by the white man. 97% of the Filipino diet consists of dog which is where they got their nicknames of doggo, dogeater, mans' worst friend, and dragonfuckers. In fact it is common to see ugly AS FUCK Filipino childrens chasing dogs in the streets of Manila cutting off their ballz. Another staple of the Filipino diet is balut, which is basically like eating your half born brother's fetus straight from your mother's glory hole. Balut in reality is unhatched duck or chicken eggs. Filipino's enjoy eating balut every minute of everyday to sustain their life long boners. If the Chinks eat everything that moves.....then Filipinos eat everything that exists. You will find a ugly as fuck Filipino senior citizen licking the paint off of decades old cars and eating rock and dirt like niggers.
[edit] Shady Economy
Since most Filipinos still live like in the stone age and are intellectually checkmated by let's say...a 6 year old asspie, technical advancement and industrial development are impossible. Therefore, the country has specialized in sex tourism and generally being a heaven for pedophiles (reliable sources state, that at least 150% of Filipino children are involved in sex tourism). A typical sight in the Philippines are child sex camps, where innocent men, mainly from western Europe and North America, are forced to have sex with multiple underaged girls and then made to pay for it. Although local authorities claim to be investigating this case, the victims remain fundless and stripped of their basic human dignity due to the hours-long rape perpetrated by the minors. Recently, famous internet hero and pedohater, Chris Hansen, together with a UNESCO squad visited one of these infamous camps, taking the children out of the milieu. The minors were very happy to be jobless now and starving on the streets once again. But, in the bright side, the jobless children are given yet another chance to have money and at the same time entertain horny pedo tourists. Go see unlicensed bars and you' ll see. Its pedo haven at its finest.
Distribution of videos depicting the minors raping the elderly men is forbidden, since it is UNESCO evidence, but can be still demanded here for free.
[edit] Filipinos Today
Filipinos like to think that they are AZN but in reality faggot Filipino boys have grown fond of the nigger culture and have become in a sense, second class niggers. It is also a known fact that Filipinos are the ugliest race in the entire earth (yes even uglier then the French) and that their men and women have the smallest PENISes and MELONS in the worldz. There are established Filipino communities especially on the west coast, where the men rape young girls and the old women kick fresh rhymes along with the boys. Also, they have dog feasts where they steal all the neighborhood dogs and have a cookout. The president of the internets RON PAUL says he wished all Filipinos would become an hero.
The current government of the Philippines is run by a midget-president, who is known to have a large mole on his/her/its face. The government is best known for its corruption and womanizing of most of the political staff. Filipinos are dumb fucks who love voting for celebrities, even if said celebrities don't know shit about running their own lives, much less a whole country. Anyone can be a president, ex-convicts charged with raping lolicons, currently jailed politicians hecks even if they're dead.
You can identify Filipinos by the way they look. If they are short, ugly as fuck, have ugly flat noses and smell like trash(well some filipinos have better scents), that's them.
But for some stupid reason mixing a Filipino with another race like white people, beaners, chinks, japs, spaniards, etc. will produce pretty babies that pedos at /b/ can fap on. A good example of this interracial breeding is former loli Vanessa Hudgens which is half Filipino and half Caucasian. Be warned though that mixing niggers with Filipinos is unacceptable and an abomination.
WARNING - If you find yourself at school (preferably high school) and you SOMEHOW find a way to piss off a filipino, watch out. The short one that looks like a nigger in a gang that you just ticked off? Serious. Fucking. Business. You may find yourself constantly looking behind your back to see if he's not somehow popping a cap in yo ass. Typical behaviour when you think a filipino midget wants to kill you is everytime someone comes through a door or you hear a sound, you yell out OH SHI- and run for cover as fast as you can. I am not fucking joking. This happens to me everyday and I know im about to get assasinated. Remember. Serious. Fucking. Business.
[edit] Fidgets in Action
...one day the great DingDong came from outerspace to sprout the machine gun wielding trex of the 20th dimension. Not knowing the potential fight that would ensued he conquered the world with his magical fingaling to sprout the masterful demise of what they call the Anakabu
[edit] Prisons
In Filipino prisons, not only are all the inmates gay, but they put together lavish Michael Jackson Fan Club celebrations.
Also, they were forced to do this by the warden, who also tattoos his name on the female inmates. Does it add to the lulz? Fuck yes.
[edit] Teri Hatcher on Filipinos
Clearly, Filipinos have no sense of humor, contrary to some people's opinions.
