Phoenix Wright
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is an adaptation of a Japan only Gay Boy Advance game for the Nintendo DS, released by Crapcom. The player assumes the role of...
What, another port?
Anyway, the player assumes the role of a defense attorney in the court of law in the year 20XX, in a city named Los Angeles where everyone's being killed. The legal system has undergone such a clusterfuck as to allow prosecutors to literally get away with murder, and shorten trials to a maximum of 3 days. Joy. And they made four five fjord Bjork of these fucking games.
Contents |
The Game
To call Perry Mason: Ace Attorney a game would be akin to calling Snapesnogger's nagas 'art'. Basically, it's a "Choose Your Own Adventure" game not unlike the old Ken Livingstone books, with each day of each trial split into two bits - Procrastination and Masturbation. The objective is to establish your client's innocence in court and spare them the death penalty, while catching the real killer of each case.
During Procrastination phases, the player gets to flick between five backgrounds and talk to hundreds of characters, getting absolutely nowhere in the process. You're required to throw every piece of evidence you have at everyone, but picking the wrong option always has the same result. 99.999999% of the time, you will be reading text that scrolls across the screen without actually interacting with anything except semi-animated full-view portraits.
In this phase, much of the humor takes place. Most of it involves watching the characters act like complete retards and make inane comments about the most idiotic things. What makes it even worse is the games tendency to reuse the same three animations(Happy, Shocked, and Won't-Shut-the-Fuck-Up) over and over, forcing characters to narrate (as if there wasn't enough reading) what they're doing.
Once the Masturbation stage begins, the player will have to copiously ejaculate over the female sidekick go through several more pages of text. During cross-examination, the player then has to present evidence to refute a witness' statement. Oftentimes the evidence needed will be completely random, because the game often leaves you with no fucking clue about what to do next. This will all be done while everyone points and screams at each other like retarded children to the soundtrack of MegaMan music. Most cases are won by presenting Hitler 50 times.
Since this is a port for the Nintendo DS, some touch controls were bolted onto the game, as well as a new case and a shit voice command option. Since the voice command doesn't work properly without screaming into the mic, no one uses it.
Further features include:
- A new case bolted onto the first game that caused a time paradox before the Apollo Justice game arrived
- Eye-breaking 3D GRAFIX for the fourth game (the kind that went out of fashion on the SNES)
- Bugger all else
Characters
Just like all games worshipped by the wapanese, Phoenix Wright has a cast of characters that have become Internet celebrities. These characters include:
PW1: Phoenix Wright
Phoenix Wright (obviously)
Phoenix is a spiky-haired ex-raver who wandered into law school one day while he was high and decided to stick around. Then he murdered Mia Fey's boyfriend, or something like that. Needs kids and dead people to help him solve the most obvious of cases. He is not a real attorney, as he doesn't even know how to check his own fucking pockets for evidence prior to the start of the game. He is known for obnoxiously shouting "OBJECTION!" while childishly pointing at the prosecution before being embarrassingly shut down by every character in the courtroom. He's also gay for Miles (waiting 15 years just to see him again). Has a ladder stepladder fetish. In the 4th (or 5th, it doesn't matter at this point) game, he becomes a hobo with a snow hat that truly reveals his hidden bisexuality.
Mia Fey
Phoenix's dominatrix sex master. She tells him exactly what to do and literally commands his every action early in the game. When she dies, Phoenix is completely lost and has no idea what the fuck he is supposed to do in a courtroom. Her reappearance as main character in 3-1 and 3-4 give gamers a healthy dose of animu cleavage. Good work, Capcom! Also Diego Armando's sister and sex-slave.
Maya Fey
Mia Fey's younger sister, the human reincarnation of the "I can haz cheezburger?" cat, and Phoenix's partner. Maya loves wearing sandals and eating burgers. Since she is a spirit medium, her older sister contacts her from beyond the grave and informs her of Phoenix's utter incompetence, then tells her to go tell him what to do until he stops being a pussy and can make his own decisions again. Not that anyone cares, because her breasts grow like three thousand sizes in the process. Like the fucking Grinch. Its harder than it sounds - Maya channels Mia in almost every case afterwords. She also has a bulging erection for the Steel Samurai and his Zero-Wing motto "For great justice".
Miles Edgeworth
The prosecuting attorney that you deal with in EVERY SINGLE CASE (in the first game of course, because of Capcom's fetish with replacing characters with other random, useless fucktards). Edgeworth is obviously a pimp and everyone else in the game is his bitch. He totally would have plowed Mia like the Fall Harvest if Wright wasn't such a cock-blocker. His new game, Miles Edgeworth: Pimp-ass Prosecutor, is slated to sell over 1 billion copies due to both men and women buying it so they can masturbate while playing. He is the only man on Earth who can still get away with wearing an ascot A CRAVAT, GET YOUR GAY ON. HAHAHAHAHA. He could have sex with his sister and not have it be incest, since technically he was an orphan, even if she was really his sister it wouldn't be incest because Miles is that kind of bad ass. Phoenix also burdens him with unnecessary feelings, and he flies halfway around the world when Larry tells him Wright tried to become an hero by setting a bridge on fire and diving into a frozen river.
Detective Dick Gumshoe LOL YOU SAID DICK
Failure of a detective who, like many characters in the series, doesn't even know how to spell his own job. Gumshoe always leaks secret evidence and has never gotten his facts straight on the stand in his entire life. He has a trusting relationship with Edgeworth and teams up with Edgy for the spin-off, which includes shit fullbody ports instead of the normal severed upper body. Quote Gumshoe: "Mmmmmmmm..."
Manfred von Karma
Edgeworth's morbidly-obese and generally morbid German sex master. He killed Edgeworth's dad, then raised him to be a homosexual douchebag prosecutor. Never lost a case in his 40 year career, until Phoenix Wright shows up and not only beats him in the court of law, but proves that he is guilty of murder through batshit theatrics. Has a bullet in his shoulder because Edgeworth shot him... if you know what I mean.
Larry Butz
A good-for-nothing lazy ass wannabe-an hero who just so happens to be Phoenix's childhood friend. He somehow manages to get lucky with models often and unlike all the other male characters has 'no interest in dudes'. The main purposes of his character include failing at every job he ever gets, getting cheated on by all his girlfriends, being about as useless in court as Gumshoe, and hitting on Maya. Becomes a CP artist at the end of PW3. Larry Butz comes in three exciting flavors! Normal retard in the jacket, Plus-sized retard with a cop uniform, and NEGA GAYFAG RETARD in the pink schmock. With a monkey on it. And a Beret. But he has no interest in dudes, sooo...
Winston Payne
The only non gender-curious man in the series. Though he is 52, he exhibits all of the behaviors of a 13-year-old boy, such as annoying the hell out of you with his high-pitched voice, and being generally incompetent. Comes back for every single fucking game as the first prosecutor you face.
April May
One horny chick who apparently is in fact worth mentioning because of the ridiculously large boobs she has, resulting in extreme cleavage that every man will fap to; no no, srsly, | look at the size of those fucking jugs. These boobs seem to defy normal physics, often bouncing up and down for minutes on end. A witness to the case where Phoenix's sex master got murdered, she may seem like a kawaii & sexeh gril who always gets her fucking way, but when she doesn't get her way she shall become an overly mad bitch who, upon revealing the god of anger in her crotch, gets everyone so scared even Edgeworth will piss in his pants. In court she tries to pin the murder of Mia on Maya, but fails because of lack of the lulz in the testimony she gives. Her pimp Redd White was found guilty of the murder, but he died as a hero because he was involved in the DL-6 incident.
The Judge
A geriatric brainless clueless dickless bag of horse testicles who learned everything he knows about law Last Thursday. Needs everything explained to him over 9000 times before he understands what's going on, then still doesn't know exactly what it means. Naturally he's biased towards the prosecution, as all good judges are, and basically wails on you with legalese whenever you fuck up (read: all the time). He also b& Phoenix's ass from the courtroom 7 years before PW4 for forged evidence.
He also has a somehow Canadian brother, but he doesn't show up until the third game.
Damon Gant
The Chief of Police and owner of the patented 'Gant Stare™'. Invites people to go swimming on a regular basis, and is in a long-term relationship with Gourdy, the local tentacle monster. He WILL rape you and you will like it. He eventually got v& when Phoenix discovered several lolis tied up in his basement. Oh, and he murdered a guy with a knife, too. The famous Gant scene everyone knows and loves involves him holding a 15-year-old hostage and having a chat with her as Phoenix goes off to investigate something about Edgeworth's past or something.
He is also a Blitz from the Devil May Cry games.
PW2: Justice For All
*WARNING* This game has the biggest collection of faggots outside of Kingdom Hearts. You have been warned!
Pearl Fey
Maya's younger cousin and a blatant Nick*Maya shipper, Pearls has to be one of the only people on the face of the planet to not realize Phoenix's (jailhouse) gayness. Which isn't much of a surprise since she's so stupid that she thinks spelling I AM reads as AMI . Then again, her abusive mother's drunken fist probably knocked any common sense out of the kid's brain. Since she's Cody Hackins' age they are automatically madly in love with each other, though they have never met. Has a boner for her artist aunt.
Franziska von Karma
Manfred von Karma's daughter and rejected Castlevania character. Decided not to stay in the kitchen and left Germany to kick Phoenix's ass for making Miles gay. She carries around a whip to prove she is superior, and it always works out because she is a powerful and intimidating woman and to prove your words are as empty as your soul, but it always epically phails. Grew up with Miles and calls him "Little Brother", but is somehow paired with him anyways, or Adrian Andrews, which makes for hot lesbian dickings.
Max Galactica
The only reason he's worth mentioning is because he is the second gayest character in the entire series. He wears pink clothes, has pink hair, says, "Fantabulous!" and/or "Fabulous!" and calls Phoenix sweetie, and for some reason, proposes to a girl. What the fuck?
Regina Berry
The daughter of a ringmaster, and also an animal trainer. Has no sense of emotions until the end when she cries like a little bitch. Every grown man wants to marry her, despite the fact that the game says she's 16. (Max, it seems, even passed her enough of The Gay to make Maya les for her, resulting in her becoming the star of their own private bedroom act.) Has a bigass tiger named Regent and a lion named something obvious that pwns her boyfriend.
Benjamin Woodman
A ventriloquist with a speech impediment, that refuses to talk to you without his puppet, Trilo. Proposes to Regina, in spite of the fact he is twice her age. Because of this he got hit in the face by Max. Asides from this he's the most boring and most fucking useless character in the entire fucking series. He also bears an uncanny resemblance to Pee-Wee Herman.
Ken Cockmongler (A.K.A. Acro)
A circus freak cripple who used to be an acrobat until he attempted to save his brother from being attacked by a lion and failed epicly because he didn't make it to the car in time. Acro has the super power to cry milk. Because he is now useless without his legs, he lives in a basement and makes his pet monkey Money do his dirty work for him such as kill Wilford Brimley. This is what he used to look like before the accident. Yes, he also can sing and play the violin and this was his brother.
Matt Engarde
Matt works as the Nickel Samurai, likes drinking chocolate milk, and scratches his face up when things don't go his way. Don't be fooled by his "goody two shoes" act, because the true Matt Engarde is a sick fuck. He's also the defendant of the last case, who (in a completely unexpected twist) actually committed the crime - pretty much the only reason he's interesting.
Juan Corrida
Possibly the most famous victim in the history of ever. Probably because his name can translate into "ejaculate." You never actually see the guy, but Matt and his story is absolutely hilarious. In short, Matt dates some ugly assistant and promptly after a date Matt dumps her cos she has crabs. The girl gets upset and begs to stay with him, but he will have none of it. Corrida finds her in a gutter passed out and proposes to her. But then he changes his mind because he finds out Matt did her first. The girl goes all emo and hangs herself. Very sad. Then Matt kills Juan, But he lives on in our hearts. Oh, and here.
PW3: Trials And Ejaculations
tl;dp Maya's mother was alive the whole time but gets killed by Godot in the final case. Your welcome!
Godot
Known as the series' ultimate douchebag winner. He reads Maxim, has a fucking epic scouter on his face, calls people broham, likes InuYasha, and is a rabid furry. Not only that, but he hits on little girls. Srsly. Game 3, case #5. See for yourself.
Ron Delite
A crazy, delusional, fangirl obsessed with master thief Mask DeMasque. She brings a new degree of retard to her already batshit insane fangirlism that would even make Twilight fans blush! SHe does this by actually wanting to go to jail so everyone believes she's really Mask DeMasque! She's also the only character in the Phoenix Wright series who is a certified trap because everyone keeps referring to her as a he.
Luke Atmey
The batshit crazy, cockmongler of a dick-tective. His nose is over 9000 feet long and he occasionally rapes Ron DeLite and her tranny-loving wife, Desiree with it. He has a monacle practically glued to his goddamn face, and dresses like the Penguin from Batman. Secretely, he wants to screw Mia Fey (only if you present her profile to him) and every other woman PW ships in from Tijuana. Openly wanks in public (Seriously, Check it out, this guy really fucking enjoys himself). Don't fuck with him though, he knows Atmey-Fu.
Jean Armstrong
Even gayer than Max Galactica. He's a French aromatherapist who runs a shitty overpriced restaurant and thinks he's a girl while attracting sparkles and rose petals and shit. At the beginning of case #3 in game 3, he wants to fuck Phoenix's doppelganger, Furio Tigre.
Furio Tigre
A Yankee who, while tanning on an all-male nude beach, got a massive sunburn. Vents his frustration by beating Jean Armstrong on a regular daily basis for not having his money. Violetta Cadaverini's bitch and Al Pacino impersonator, how he got a hold of Phoenix's hairstyle is currently unknown.
Dahlia Hawthorne
She's the antagonist of the whole third game. Daughter of a Jew-eler and Phoenix's bitch when he was a college stoner. Still holds a grudge against him because the fire-breathing dragon centipedes that live in her vagina turned him gay. Gets pwned by a noose in the end. Comes back from the dead afterwords, but quickly crawls back to Hell to suck Satan's massive cock when Mia tells her how much she fucking fails at life (and death, incidentally) and how small her tits are compared to hers. She tried to murder Maya but failed and instead got channeled through Maya's mom who was really Elise Deauxnim in disguise, but then got re-channeled through Maya Fey and thus foiling her evil plan. She's the daughter of Morgan Fey from Justice For All, and tried to frame Phoenix Wright for murder. Because of this she is considered to be the coolest character in series.
The Judge's Canadian Brother
Just like we said. He is Canadian and, therefore, not worth mentioning, though he has a ton of bagged-milk jokes made at his expense.
DieGO ArmanDO
Proof that the almighty Crapcom thinks we're all retards. This guy is seriously Godot and nobody else. Ignore the hair, addictions, and grin. Seriously, who did you think he was? Spends all of 3-4 trying to get in Mia's bra. Has a thing for cats. One of the series' only seemingly straight characters. Pervert, but it's innuendo, so it's A-OK.
Unseen Moral: If a Hispanic offers you coffee candy, there will be sex involved. Enjoy your AIDS.
Fun Fact: Invert Godot's colors.. SURPRISE!
PW4: Apollo Justice
Apollo Justice (obviously)
The Attorney formerly known as Lawboy Fagsgay, Herr Forehead, Sleeves, and "That guy with the hair", and is the brand spanking new main character of GS4. Why? Because everybody needed a break from the old characters and Naruhobo is hilarious and fun to say if you're Wapanese.
Polly is a freaking wimp afraid of heights, panties, loud noises, head-masturbation (see Daryan Crescend), panties, Mr Hat, panties, salt, unicorn horns, gangsta ABDs, panties, stepladders, panties, and panties. He's too new to be made fun of too much but is definitely gay (see case 2 game 4). Goes on a magical tic-seeking adventure via putting his nose on his bracelet and inhaling deeply. Incidentally he can use his bracelet to summon magic powers that tell when someone's acting suspicious...which is probably the second-dumbest magic power ever besides talking to fucking FISH.
Daryan Crescend
Has an absolutely fucking ridiculous hairstyle. Yes, it's a Japanese game, but still, look at it. Fucking LOOK at it. He probably masturbates with a comb. The Almighty Capcom claims he was based off a shark. Shark - that's the first thing you think when you see him. S-h-a-r-k.
Is gay for Machi and Klavier at the same time. Rapes a blind bitch after she fingered him in court and then hairbutts her for the lulz. Has some convoluted scheme to kidnap the President's son to feed his hairdick and take over the world, but his involvement is revealed when they discover that he can't fucking play guitar. Also something about cocoon drugs and little blind human traffickers.
Ema Skye
Ema Skye originally appeared in the first game as a 16-year-old girl who masturbated to science textbooks. The only reason she existed was to serve as a Maya replacement, but she added something new to the bland formula: science. Yes, folks, science. This "science" took place in boring minigames that involved tapping on the screen and screaming into the microphone. Now she's an angry bitch because she didn't get the job she wanted. She'll show up whenever the game gets bored of itself and decides to mix-up the action with more dull minigames and an eating disorder, because those are always hilarious. She would later go on to become one of /v/'s most annoying tripfags. Many fans usually ship her and the faggot below, despite the fact that they barely speak to each other informally. If you look into these people, you'll find they all ship the same boring-ass pairings. Though, it could be worse. They could be yaoi fans.
Klavier Gavin
Easily summed up as "That glimmerous fop", or "The Flaming Guitar". Proof that playing your own theme song makes you instantly hot if you're German. Very, very gay for Apollo, and flirts with anything. Calls Trucy a "Delicious Morsel". Would be creepy if he weren't so damn sexy. Covers his Apollo fantasies by picking on the hungover detective. Has the hereditary Unicorn Hair. His virgin love may or may not have been a jar of pickled onions.
Kristoph Gavin
Apollo's mentor, dominatrix, and That Guy everyone spoiled themselves on months before the game's release. So you should already know he's the Guy Who Did It in Cases 1 and 4. Killed Zak Gramarye with a fucking bottle cause he beat him in poker. Also rapes Vera Misham in the ass when she was 12 years old and then poisons her father Drew Misham with a stamp because he's fucking batshit insane and loves little girls, and man ass. Also could be called "That glitterous fop". Is pretty much GS4's Mia, sans boobs. Suffers from Unicorn Head, Despair, and Demon-Infected Hand.
Trucy Wright
Yet another Loli in the series, she's Phoenix's adopted daughter and Apollo's sort-of-step sister. Is GS4's Maya, but even more dim-witted, though she's a magician practicing fake magic, whereas Maya summons dead fucking people. Is surprisingly enthusiastic about showing Apollo her magic panties.
Olga Orgy Orly
Never mind her name. This bitch posed as a Russian waitress at the restaurant Hobo Phoenix plays piano at, when she's really a card shark who looks more like a fucking pirate. Had a deal with Zak Gramarye to plant cards in Phoenix's poker hand to catch him "cheating," but he used the Heart of the Cards, so Zak hit her with a bottle. Claims to have "quick fingers."
Wocky Kitaki
A fucking wigger, son of a Mob boss, and runner-up for GS4's Most Fucking Ridiculous Hairstyle. Has a fatal injury that doesn't seem to bug him too much, until Dr. Eldoon comes in and it comes this close to going Trauma Center on us. He also has trouble telling the difference between pastries and crackers, which makes us wonder if he's ever done anything more than getting shot and dating batshit insane women.
Machi Tobaye
He no speek engrish much but he duz crossdresser gud. Sucky sucky five dorrah! No, that was Trucy's fabulous magic uncle.
Talks in some made up gibberish thing where one of the letters is a suggestively posed man that was probably based off an embarrassing Edge-Wright yaoi pic. His one true moment of fame is when he sets Klavier's guitar on fire on Dickhead Guitar's orders, after his hair finished eating its lettuce salad.
Lamioir
Possibly the most annoying character this side of the /b/tards, at 1st she acts like she can't speak, then she says she can see then that glimmerous fop throws a bomb shell out the shes the blind bitch, more or less mind fucks every noob on 4chan thats ever fapped to her hawtness. Was Apollo and Trusy's mom for thoughs of you who wanna get a good incest boner off rule34, shes the one that gave Apollo his dick brace that lets him look at a chicks cleavage more closely. before she was shipped off to Mexico to become a stipper and singer at the local hooters she was a magician that got gunned down by her abusive 2nd husband and her gay secret admirer while they practiced a new trick the was already a good show.
Gallery
| This article needs moar Loli. You can help by adding moar Loli. |
 IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAWYZERZ |
 Real Lawyers starts early with finger pointing. |
 This really does happen. See: case 4-2 |
 Deleted scene from episode 3-5 |
 Phoenix Wright doing what he does best: Pointing. |
 LOL DEAD |
 Phoenix's former boss, posing for all the leg amputee fetishists out there. |
 Gay. |
 Edgeworth's fat German sex master. |
 Phoenix Wright characters are frequently used in Image Macros. |
 Nobody knows what this is... |
 ...but that didn't stop somebody from Rule 34ing it. |
 Yeah, they're gay. |
 Groudon Wright, lol. |
 THANKS, ED! |
 If you replay the second game just to find this scene, you are a Pedophile |
 Moar proof of Nick's Pedophilia. |
 Note the coat.. |
 Kristoph is a faggot. |
|
 Kristoph is also an asshole. So his countless instances of getting raped in the big house are justified. |
 EBJAKSHEEEN! |
 Dickhead in action |
|
 UNNGHH--OBJECTIUNNGHHH |
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 Jokes about dead babies are fine too. |
Phoenix Wright - Boot to the Head
As a conspiracy
Case 1-3
Any fucking thing Sal Manella says. Seriously, he's the perfect example of a typical fat fucking nerd who speaks entirely in Interbutts language.
Case 2-3
Franziska: Will the witness please state his name and occupation for the court record? Moe: ... Franziska: ... Moe: ... *WHIPCRACK* Moe: In West Clownadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my clown-- *WHIPCRACK, screen auto-cuts to Fran* Franziska: ...Name and occupation. Judge: Will the witness please inform the court as to why he is speaking in autobiographical gibberish?
Moe: But a couple of clowns...they were up to no good...started makin' trouble in...-- *WHIPCRACK*
Maya: You're the man now, doll!
There is also a lion in this case that is said to be 'grinning'. >:3
Case 2-4
Maya: For great justice!
Case 3-2
Case 3-3
Maya: This is madness! Phoenix: No, Maya, that is SPaRDA.
Maya: I guess Mr. Elg was just like any other man, with his own little pile of secrets...
Case 3-5
Maya: Sorry, but I'll take money for the win, Nick.
Case 4-1
Kristoph: Don't despair yet, Justice.
"Olga Orly". Ya, rly.
Case 4-2
Little Plum: He likes to act all hard, but he couldn't shoot to save his life. I should know, I'm his mom.
As A Meme
Phoenix Wright concept art and animations are often used by e-lawyers, or posted by other people to make fun of them. You can find most of the original art, animations, and sound files from the game here.
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Phoenix Wright is part of a series on Gaming |
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