Phoenix Wright
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| This article needs moar funny. You can help by adding moar funny. |
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is an adaptation of a Japan only Game Boy Advance game for the Nintendo DS, released by Crapcom. The player assumes the role of...
What, another port?
Anyway, the player assumes the role of a defense attorney in the court of law in the year 200X, in a city named Los Angeles where everyone's being killed. The legal system has undergone such a clusterfuck as to allow prosecutors to literally get away with murder, and shorten trials to a maximum of 3 days. Joy. And they made four five fjord of these fucking games.
Contents |
[edit] The Game (You Just Lost It) HAHAHAHA! YOU FUCKING GOT ME, THATS STILL FUNNY RIGHT GUYS?
To call Perry Mason: Ace Attorney a game would be akin to calling Snapesnogger's nagas 'art'. Basically, it's a "Choose Your Own Adventure" game not unlike the old Ken Livingstone books, with each day of each trial split into two bits - Procrastination and Masturbation. The objective is to establish your client's innocence in court and spare them the death penalty, while catching the real killer of each case.
During Procrastination phases, the player gets to flick between five backgrounds and talk to hundreds of characters, getting absolutely nowhere in the process. You're required to throw every piece of evidence you have at everyone, but picking the wrong option always has the same result. 99.999999% of the time, you will be reading text that scrolls across the screen without actually interacting with anything except semi-animated full-view portraits.
In this phase, much of the humor takes place. Most of it involves watching the characters act like complete retards and make inane comments about the most idiotic things. What makes it even worse is the games tendency to reuse the same three animations(Happy, Shocked, and Won't-Shut-the-Fuck-Up) over and over, forcing characters to narrate (as if there wasn't enough reading) what they're doing.
Once the Masturbation stage begins, the player will have to copiously ejaculate over the female sidekick go through several more pages of text. During cross-examination, the player then has to present evidence to refute a witness' statement. Oftentimes the evidence needed will be completely random, because the game often leaves you with no fucking clue about what to do next. This will all be done while everyone points and screams at each other like autistic children to the soundtrack of MegaMan music. Most cases are won by presenting Hitler 50 times.
Since this is a port for the Nintendo DS, some touch controls were bolted onto the game, as well as a new case and a shit voice command option. Since the voice command doesn't work properly without screaming into the mic, no one uses it.
Further features include:
- A new case bolted onto the first game that caused a time paradox before Apollo Justice 4 arrived
- Eye-breaking 3D GRAFIX for the fourth game (the kind that went out of fashion on the SNES)
- Bugger all else
[edit] Characters (all cool)
Just like all games worshipped by the wapanese, Phoenix Wright has a cast of characters that have become Internet celebrities. These characters include:
[edit] PW1: Phoenix Wright
[edit] Phoenix Wright (obviously)
Phoenix is a spiky-haired ex-raver who wandered into law school one day while he was high and decided to stick around. Then he murdered Mia Fey's boyfriend, or something like that. Needs kids and dead people to help him solve the most obvious of cases. He is not a real attorney, as he doesn't even know how to check his own fucking pockets for evidence prior to the start of the game. He is known for obnoxiously shouting "OBJECTION!" while childishly pointing at the prosecution before being embarrassingly shut down by every character in the courtroom. He's also gay for Miles (waiting 15 years just to see him again). Has a ladder stepladder fetish. In the 4th (or 5th, it doesn't matter at this point) game, he becomes a hobo with a snow hat that truly reveals his hidden bisexuality.
[edit] Mia Fey
Phoenix's dominatrix sex master. She tells him exactly what to do and literally commands his every action early in the game. When she dies, Phoenix is completely lost and has no idea what the fuck he is supposed to do in a courtroom. Her reappearance as main character in 3-1 and 3-4 give gamers a healthy dose of animu cleavage. Good work, Capcom! Also Diego Armando's sister and sex-slave.
[edit] Maya Fey
Mia Fey's younger sister, the human reincarnation of the "I can haz cheezburger?" cat, and Phoenix's partner. Maya loves wearing sandals and eating burgers. Since she is a spirit medium, her older sister contacts her from beyond the grave and informs her of Phoenix's utter incompetence, then tells her to go tell him what to do until he stops being a pussy and can make his own decisions again. Not that anyone cares, because her breasts grow like three thousand sizes in the process. Like the fucking Grinch. Its harder than it sounds - Maya channels Mia in almost every case afterwards. She also has a bulging erection for the Steel Samurai and his Zero-Wing motto "For great justice".
[edit] Miles Edgeworth
The prosecuting attorney that you deal with in EVERY SINGLE CASE (in the first game of course, because of Capcom's fetish with replacing characters with other random, useless fucktards). Miles is obviously a pimp and every else in the game is his bitch. He totally would have plowed Mia like the Fall Harvest if Wright wasnt such a cock-blocker. His new game Miles Edgeworth: Pimp ass Attorney, is slated to sell over 1 billion copies due to both men and women buying it so they can masturbate while playing. Only man on Earth who can still get away with wearing an ascot. He could have sex with his sister and not have it be incest, since technically he was an orphan, even if she was really his sister it wouldn't be incest because Miles is that kind of bad ass.
[edit] Detective Dick Gumshoe
Failure of a detective who, like many characters in the series, doesn't even know how to spell his own job. Gumshoe always leaks secret evidence and has never gotten his facts straight on the stand in his entire life. He has a trusting relationship with Edgeworth and teams up with Edgy for the spin-off, which includes shit fullbody ports instead of the normal severed uper body. Quote Gumshoe: "Mmmmmmmm..."
[edit] Manfred von Karma
Edgeworth's morbidly-obese and generally morbid German sex master. He killed Edgeworth's dad, then raised him to be a homosexual douchebag prosecutor. Never lost a case in his 40 year career, until Phoenix Wright shows up and not only beats him in the court of law, but proves that he is guilty of murder through batshit theatrics. Has a bullet in his shoulder because Edgeworth shot him... if you know what I mean.
[edit] Larry Butz
A good-for-nothing lazy ass who just so happens to be Phoenix's childhood friend. He somehow manages to get lucky with models often and unlike all the other male characters has 'no interest in dudes'. The main purposes of his character include failing at every job he ever gets, getting cheated on by all his girlfriends, being about as useless in court as Gumshoe, and hitting on Maya. Becomes a CP artist at the end of PW3. Larry Butz comes in three exiting flavors! Normal retard in the jacket, Plus-sized retard with a cop uniform, and NEGA GAYFAG RETARD in the pink schmock. With a monkey on it. And a Barret. But he has no interest in dudes, sooo...
[edit] Winston Payne
The only non gender-curious man in the series. Though he is 52, he exhibits all of the behaviors of a 13-year-old boy, such as annoying the hell out of you with his high-pitched voice, and being generally incompetent. Comes back for every single fucking game as the first prosecutor you face.
[edit] The Judge
A geriatric brainless clueless dickless bag of horse testicles who learned everything he knows about law Last Thursday. Needs everything explained to him over 9000 times before he understands what's going on, then still doesn't know exactly what it means. Naturally he's biased towards the prosecution, as all good judges are, and basically wails on you with legalese whenever you fuck up (read: all the time). He also b& Phoenix's ass from the courtroom 7 years before PW4 for forged evidence.
He also has a somehow Canadian brother, but he doesn't show up until the third game.
[edit] Damon Gant
The Chief of Police and owner of the patented 'Gant Stare™'. Invites people to go swimming on a regular basis, and is in a long-term relationship with Gourdy, the local tentacle monster. He WILL rape you and you will like it. He eventually got v& when Phoenix discovered several lolis tied up in his basement. Oh, and he murdered a guy with a knife, too. The famous Gant scene everyone knows and loves involves him holding a 15-year-old hostage and having a chat with her as Phoenix goes off to investigate something about Edgeworth's past or something.
[edit] PW2: Justice For All
[edit] Pearl Fey
Maya's younger cousin and a blatant Nick*Maya shipper, Pearls has to be one of the only people on the face of the planet to not realize Phoenix's (jailhouse) gayness. Then again, her abusive mother's drunken fist probably knocked any common sense out of the kid's brain. Since she's Cody Hackins' age they are automatically madly in love with each other, though they have never met. Has a boner for her artist aunt.
[edit] Franziska von Karma
Manfred von Karma's daughter. Decided not to stay in the kitchen and left Germany to kick Phoenix's ass for making Miles gay. She carries around a whip to prove she is superior, which we all know is not true because she is a woman. Grew up with Miles and calls him "Little Brother", but is somehow paired with him anyways, or Adrian Andrews, which makes for hot lesbian dickings.
[edit] Max Galactica
The only reason he's worth mentioning is because he is the second gayest character in the entire series. He wears pink clothes, has pink hair, says, "Fantabulous!" and/or "Fabulous!" and calls Phoenix sweetie, and for some reason, proposes to a girl. What the fuck?
[edit] Regina Berry
The daughter of a ringmaster, and also an animal trainer. Has no sense of emotions until the end when she cries like a little bitch. Every grown man wants to marry her, despite the fact that the game says she's 16. Has a bigass tiger named Regent.
[edit] Ken Cockmongler (A.K.A. Acro)
A circus freak cripple who used to be an acrobat until he attempted to save his brother from being attacked by a lion and failed epicly because he didn't make it to the car in time. Acro has the super power to cry milk. Because he is now useless without his legs, he lives in a basement and makes his pet monkey Money do his dirty work for him such as kill Wilford Brimley. This is what he used to look like before the accident. Yes, he also can sing and play the violin and this was his brother.
[edit] Matt Engarde
Matt works as the Nickel Samurai, likes drinking chocolate milk, and scratches his face up when things don't go his way. Don't be fooled by his "goody two shoes" act, because the true Matt Engarde is a sick fuck. He's also the defendant of the last case, who (in a completely unexpected twist) actually committed the crime - pretty much the only reason he's interesting.
[edit] Juan Corrida
Possibly the most famous victim in the history of ever. Probably because his name can translate into "ejaculate." You never actually see the guy, but Matt and his story is absolutely hilarious. In short, Matt dates some ugly assistant and promply after a date Matt dumps her cos she has crabs. The girl gets upset and begs to stay with him, but he will have none of it. Corrida finds her in a gutter passed out and proposes to her. But then he changes his mind because he finds out Matt did her first. The girl goes all emo and hangs herself. Very sad. Then Matt kills Juan, But he lives on in our hearts. Oh, and here.
[edit] PW3: Trials And Ejaculations
[edit] Godot
Known as the series' ultimate douchebag. He reads Maxim, calls people broham, likes InuYasha, and is a rabid furry. Not only that, but he hits on little girls. Srsly. Game 3, case #5. See for yourself.
[edit] Jean Armstrong
Even gayer than Max Galactica. He's a French aromatherapist who runs a shitty overpriced restaurant and thinks he's a girl while attracting sparkles and rose petals and shit. At the beginning of case #3 in game 3, he wants to fuck Phoenix's doppelganger, Furio Tigre.
[edit] Dahlia Hawthorne
Phoenix's bitch when he was a college stoner. Still holds a grudge against him because the fire-breathing dragon that lives in her vagina turned him gay. Gets pwned by a noose in the end. Comes back from the dead afterwards, but quickly crawls back to Hell to suck Satan's massive cock when Mia tells her how much she fucking fails at life (and death, incidentally) and how small her tits are compared to hers.
[edit] The Judge's Canadian Brother
Just like we said. He is Canadian and, therefore, not worth mentioning, though he has a ton of bagged-milk jokes made at his expense.
[edit] DieGO ArmanDO
Proof that the almighty Capcom thinks we're all retards. This guy is seriously Diego and nobody else. Ignore the hair, addictions, and grin. Seriously, who did you think he was? Spends all of 3-4 trying to get in Mia's bra. Has a thing for cats. One of the series' only seemingly straight characters. Pervert, but it's innuendo, so it's A-OK.
Unseen Moral: If a Hispanic offers you coffee candy, there will be sex involved. Enjoy your AIDS.
[edit] PW4: Apollo Justice
[edit] Apollo Justice (obviously)
The Attorney formerly known as Lawboy Fagsgay, Herr Forehead, Sleeves, and "That guy with the hair", and is the brand spanking new main character of GS4. Why? Because everybody needed a break from the old characters and Naruhobo is hilarious and fun to say if you're Wapanese.
Polly is a freaking wimp afraid of heights, loud noises, head-masturbation (see Daryan Crescend), Mr Hat, salt, unicorn horns, gangsta ABDs, stepladders, and panties. He's too new to be made fun of too much but is definitely gay (see case 2 game 4). Goes on a magical tic-seeking adventure via putting his nose on his bracelet and inhaling deeply. Incidentally he can use his bracelet to summon magic powers that tell when someone's acting suspicious... which is probably the second-dumbest magic power ever besides talking to fucking FISH.
[edit] Daryan Crescend
Has an absolutely fucking ridiculous hairstyle. Yes, it's a Japanese game, but still, look at it. Fucking LOOK at it. He probably masturbates with a comb. The Almighty Capcom claims he was based off a shark. Shark - that's the first thing you think when you see him. S-h-a-r-k.
Is gay for Machi and Klavier at the same time. Rapes a blind bitch after she fingered him in court and then hairbutts her for the lulz. Has some convoluted scheme to kidnap the President's son to feed his hairdick and take over the world. Also something about cocoon drugs and little blind human traffickers.
[edit] Ema Skye
Ema Skye originally appeared in the first game as a 16-year-old girl who masturbated to science textbooks. The only reason she existed was to serve as a Maya replacement, but she added something new to the bland formula: science. Yes, folks, science. This "science" took place in boring minigames that involved tapping on the screen and screaming into the microphone. Now she's an angry bitch because she didn't get the job she wanted. She'll show up whenever the game gets bored of itself and decides to mix-up the action with more dull minigames and an eating disorder, because those are always hilarious. She would later go on to become one of /v/'s most annoying tripfags.
[edit] Klavier Gavin
Easily summed up as "That glimmerous fop", or "The Flaming Guitar". Proof that playing your own theme song makes you instantly hot if you're German. Very, very gay for Apollo, and flirts with anything. Calls Trucy a "Delicious Morsel". Would be creepy if he weren't so damn sexy. Covers his Apollo fantasies by picking on the hungover detective. Has the hereditary Unicorn Hair. His virgin love may or may not have been a jar of pickled onions.
[edit] Kristoph Gavin
Apollo's mentor, dominatrix, and That Guy everyone spoiled themselves on months before the game's release. So you should already know he's the Guy Who Did It in Cases 1 and 4. Killed Zak Gramarye with a fucking bottle cause he beat him in poker. Also rapes Vera Misham in the ass when she was 12 years old and then poisons her father Drew Misham with a stamp because he's fucking batshit insane and loves little girls, and man ass. Also could be called "That glitterous fop". Is pretty much GS4's Mia, sans boobs. Suffers from Unicorn Head.
[edit] Trucy Wright
Phoenix's adopted daughter and Apollo's sort-of-step sister. Is GS4's Maya, but even more dim-witted, though she's a magician practising fake magic, whereas Maya summons dead fucking people. Is surprisingly enthusiastic about showing Apollo her magic panties.
[edit] Wocky Kitaki
A fucking wigger, son of a Mob boss, and runner-up for GS4's Most Fucking Ridiculous Hairstyle. Has a fatal injury that doesn't seem to bug him too much, until Dr. Eldoon comes in and it comes this close to going Trauma Center on us. He also has trouble telling the difference between pastries and crackers, which makes us wonder if he's ever done anything more than getting shot and dating batshit insane women.
[edit] Machi Tobaye
He no speek engrish much but he duz crossdresser gud. Sucky sucky five dorrah!
Talks in some made up gibberish thing where one of the letters is a suggestively posed man that was probably based off an embarrassing Edge-Wright yaoi pic.
[edit] Gallery
|
| This article needs moar Loli. You can help by adding moar Loli. |
 This really does happen. See: case 4-2 |
 Phoenix Wright doing what he does best: Pointing. |
 LOL DEAD |
 Phoenix's former boss, posing for all the leg amputee fetishists out there. |
 Gay. |
 Edgeworth's fat German sex master. |
 Phoenix Wright characters are frequently used in Image Macros. |
 Nobody knows what this is... |
 ...but that didn't stop somebody from Rule 34ing it. |
 Yeah, they're gay. |
 Groudon Wright, lol. |
 What Pearl is used for in the game. |
 Does something strike you as odd about that last bit of testimony, Your Honor? |
 THANKS, ED! |
 If you replay the second game just to find this scene, you are a Pedophile |
|
 Moar proof of Nick's Pedophilia. |
 Note the coat.. |
 Kristoph is a faggot. |
 Kristoph is also an asshole. So his countless instances of getting raped in the big house are justified. |
 EBJAKSHEEEN! |
 Dickhead in action |
 You Are Already Guilty. |
[edit] As a conspriacy
Case 1-3
Any fucking thing Sal Manella says. Seriously, he's the perfect example of a typical fat fucking nerd who speaks entirely in Interbutts language.
Case 2-3
Franziska: Will the witness please state his name and occupation for the court record? Moe: ... Franziska: ... Moe: ... *WHIPCRACK* Moe: In West Clownphiledelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my clown-- *WHIPCRACK, screen auto-cuts to Fran* Franziska: ... Name and occupation. Judge: Will the witness please inform the court as to why he is speaking in autobiographical gibberish?
Moe: But a couple of clowns... they were up to no good... started makin' trouble in...-- *WHIPCRACK*
Maya: You're the man now, doll!
Maya: For great justice!
There is also a lion in case three that is said to be 'grinning'. >:3
Case 3-2
Case 3-3
Maya: This is madness! Phoenix: No, Maya, that is SPaRDA.
'Case 3-5
Maya: Sorry, but I'll take money for the win, Nick.
Case 4-1
"Olga Orly". Ya, rly.
[edit] As A Meme
Phoenix Wright concept art and animations are often used by e-lawyers, or posted by other people to make fun of them. You can find most of the original art, animations, and sound files from the game here.
 |
Phoenix Wright is part of a series on Gaming. |
|
