Pitchfork media
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Pitchfork Media is a music website where indie and hipster fags get news about their favorite shit bands. It achieves a level of pretention and priggishness, once thought to be impossible within the borders of civilization. It is a site written by retarded self-satisfied fanboys who feel as if their opinion is more important than the air we breathe. The name Pitchfork Media is meant as an allusion to Satan's weapon of choice. Legend has it that editor-in-chief, Ryan Schreiber allowed (a then unknown) Satan to enter his asspipe with his giant barbed-membrane and fill his bowels with boiling hot feculent demon-seed as part of a deal to find him an audience.
In the early 90s, a group of college prep students wanted to get into music. They went out and bought some Radiohead CDs and got into them. In 1995 they learned basic HTML and formed Pitchfork: A shitty review site where they blast any alternative rock band that isn't Radiohead.
The sweater-clad horn-rimmed eye-glass wearing cunt-of-a-staff that Pitchfork Media employs loves nothing more than spewing effervescible nonsense about acts like the Arcade Fire and Interpol, claiming that they will change the world of rock and roll. In reality, most of these bands will put out one album of whiney fucktardedness and will never be heard from again due to a combination of artistic inadequacy and excessive heroin consumption. It should be noted that if a band is from Jew York City, they will get a rave review, regardless of how shitty their music sounds.
Over 170,000 mindless fanboys tune in to Pitchfork Media's mind-numbing rants in order to feel "in the know" and then proceed to deny that they read the online jerk-off rag because it will make them unhip. Due to their increasing number of readers, Pitchfork began advertising, receiving most of its sponsorship money from the Suicide Girls, knowing that their readership wouldn't be able to score in a monkey brothel with a bag full of ripe bananas.
Other morons who write or have written for Pitchfork include Jess Harvell, Chris Ott, Ted Leo, and that one chick they had for a short while.
They did a review for Radiohead's "Kid A" which reads like they somehow transcribed a hipster having an orgasm.
Before Pitchfork (more like Bitchfork, amirite?) became famous, their reviews were somehow even shittier. The worst was Ryan Schreiber's review of a John Coltrane album where he basically talked like a 1960s negro for five paragraphs. When Schreiber realized the review made him look like a racist prick, he decided to delete fucking everything. However, the internet never forgets.
Here is a dramatic reading of the review:
Bands Targeted By Pitchfork:
- Tool
- The Mars Volta
- Muse
- Sonic Youth
- Peral Jam
- Coldplay
- Anything Not Radiohead
Progressive rock bands (i.e. bands with actual musical talent)GET THE FUCK OUT Daman7777777 BEFORE I STOMP YOUR FUCKING THROAT OFF YOUR NECK.
See Also:
External Links
- pitchforkmedia.com what did you think
- SA pwns pitchfork
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