Portland
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Rose City in the Beaver State: no wonder it’s so full of pussies.
Portland has a reputation for being high-minded, progressive and full of unwarranted self-importance. It is widely known as the whitest, laziest, most racist burg west of New Orleans, in spite of what anyone with a case of butthurt hometown loyalty will tell you.
Portland is Brad Fitzpatrick’s old-school spawning pool and west coast connection for hookers and blow. He can often be seen rolling, Riding Dirty and being hated at on 82nd avenue, hitting every one of Portland’s legendary strip clubs he can get tossed out of. Some argue that he started Six Apart in an effort to get more pierced, tattooed and unshaven Anarcho-Portlander snatch through LJ's ingenious social networking powers. All he ended up doing was sowing the seeds of LJDrama and therefore, by extension, our glorious commonwealth.
Much of the legendary Mediacrat debacle involved the now-defunct Portland community and the city itself. The citizens of Portland have a natural talent for drama.
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[edit] History
Once upon a time, while America was still in beta format, Thomas Jefferson bought over 9000 acres of bandwidth from France. At the time, Napoleon was still trying to win his IRL game of Civilization III in Europe and needed moar jew gold to keep his armies fed in snails. Thomas Jefferson took a break from having hot secks with his brown shuggah to find a pair of testers to check his new purchase for bugs and potential 'sploits that Canadia or Mexico might use against America version 3.1, and two Virginians named Lewis and Clark volunteered.
Lewis (the dom), and Clark (the sub), buttsecksed their way across the purchase, picking up a redskin named SacaJEWia along the way to do their cooking ad cleaning. They were followed by Lewis’ WoW guild known as the Corps of Discovery (who started a TV network at least 100 years later). Clark’s nigra manservant York kept them well fed with his trusty wheelbarrow full of watermelon and chikkins. Upon running into the Pacific Ocean, they declared their expedition to be EPIC WIN and told SacaJEWia to gb2/teepee and make them some fry bread.
After hearing about Lewis and Clark’s expedition, a bunch of christfags named Pioneers decided to follow them, thus inspiring one of the greatest video games of all time. After reaching Oregon, they all needed a place to smoke their injun weed and make beer that they could claim was better than God’s own piss. These are traditions that continue to this day.
[edit] Geography and Climate
Portland suffers from a constant unrelenting downpour of rain. Portlanders whine and blame everyone from Al Gore to Tay Zonday for this fact instead of buying an umbrella or GTFO. This rain causes the living flow of jenkem Portlanders call the Willamette River to flood up out of the failure they call a sewer system, and dat sweet chokklit reign gives the whole city a killer buzz that lasts for days on end.
[edit] Culture
Portland is the perfect place to travel if you want to feel morally inferior. Pee-town's claim to fame is their supreme tolerance towards everyone and ultimate understanding of how difficult life is. They care about the child in Africa and give jew gold to Wikimedia.
Much of hipster/metrosexual fashion in America found its roots in Portland, as evidenced by most LJ users. In fact, it is impossible to tell the difference between your typical Portland citizen and a hardcore flaming fgt from anywhere else in the world.
People in Portland loev serious business, especially when it comes to politics, racism, and soup. Jameth proved this by asking some Portlanders about Phở on Damnportlanders. Only recently, during The Caturday Nap has soup generated such levels of drama.
[edit] Politics and Demographics
Ideologies in Portland range from people who masturbate to Faux News to sXe Anarchist cooks. Portland outweighs the rest of Oregon in terms of bleeding-heart leftards, which is fine because everything east of Portland is a desolate wasteland populated by sodomy-lovin' hillbillies. People in Portland are incredibly sensitive about their personal beliefs and tend to either go tough guy or dial the waaaambulance immediately after hearing something offensive. In spite of Portland’s obsession with irony and sarcasm, noone there can take a fucking joke. Everyone preaches high-minded tolerance to the hilt and will instantly cry a river if you say the word nigger.
This is hilarious, since 77% of the city is white and above the poverty line. Portlanders will tell you that they love black people and that black people love them even as they line the next one up to the curb for a stomping. Honest Portlanders join the TVS or move to Idaho and join the Klan.
Hipsters make as many black friends as possible in an effort to pull it off legit. Some even learn how to almost rap.
[edit] The Secks Industry
Anyone looking to lulz balls or are SEAKING b00bs should come to Portland. People love to brag about how there are moar strip clubs there per capita than any other city in the United States, including Las Vegas and San Francisco. This is due to the high number of batshit Libertarians that populate the rest of Oregon and demand their rights to bear arms and get lap dances every Friday. The sex industry is hueg thar, although everyone selling themselves for cash most definitely will give you GRIDS 4srs, especially if you go to one of Portland’s many YMCAs or premium bathhouses.
Suicide Girls is based out of Portland, where one can see them sexily buy groceries and go to the park with their children.
[edit] Homelessness
Homelessness is considered fashionable in Portland, and a perfectly acceptable career choice. Rich attention-whoring emo kids will ditch their parents and their Linkin Park albums to go form street families in order to get themselves a sense of street cred and belonging. To maintain their hXc rep, they will stab, rape, steal, have public secks and make the Portland Business Alliance pass laws that make standing and sitting illegal.
Actual poor kids in Portland get jobs.
[edit] Beer
There are two types of beer snobs in Portland: those who drink PBR and sneer at everyone who drinks microbrews, and those who drink microbrews and sneer at everyone who drinks PBR. If you do not fall into either of these categories, you won’t have any friends.
[edit] Guide to being cool in Portland
- Ride a bike that costs as much as a new car
- Tell people "I Don't Watch TV"
- Shoot people who eat meat and plant their corpses in your medical marijuana garden
- Be black
- Be friends with sum blacks
- Make an hero pr0n for Sean Suhl
- Do heroin
- Be hXc sXe
- Make Pruno
- Be gay
- Be transgendered
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Wear a trucker cap(lol now officially out of style) - Wear a Civil War cap (replacing the trucker cap as the #1 hipster uniform item here)
- Become an ED sysop
[edit] Photographic Tour of Portland
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
Portland Indymedia - WARNING: SFB
