Ireland
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This page should be merged with Britain.
- This page should be merged with Drunk.
- This page should be merged with Victim complex.
- This page should be merged with Trying too hard.
Ireland was once a province of Great Britain, but this was the source of epic anti-lulz so it is now an independent country famous for a number of things such as drinking, fighting, hating the English, leprechauns, terrorism, potatoes, drinking and killing the English. An ancient folk, the Gaels of Hibernia were largely unknown until Saint Patrick introduced Christianity, literacy, and the custom of eating a marshmallow cereal with sweet surprises in the ninth century. Ireland was ruled by its own nobility until the 17th Century, when they were pwned by England, whose leader Oliver Cromwell promptly went to work killing as many Irishmen as he could find. Those who survived the British Invasion died in the subsequent potato famine, which sent waves of red-nosed, clay-pipe-smoking immigrants to the USA, eventually spawning the Kennedys of Boston and TV's Conan O'Brien. Back at home, it was moar sickness, hunger and death all around as repeated attempts to send the English packing failed miserably. However in 1921, after an all night blarney session at O'Learys Bar, the Irish Free State was formed, eliminating British rule in all but the most inhabitable of Ireland's 32. Epic Lulz ensued as the Catholic Irish Irish fought against the Anglican British Irish, a war which continues to kill many Wikipedophiles today.
The people of Ireland, known as Micks, Paddies, and White Niggers, are, like their African namesakes, mostly lazy, good-for-nothing parasites, interested in little except intoxication, fornication, sport, violence, sport violence, fornication violence, and mass rhythmic dancing. Their diet consists primarily of fried potatoes washed down with booze, and their day-to-day activities include drinking, fighting, laying about in their own filth, betting on football, and playing upon harps and tin whistles. The Irish are also known for their complete and utter lack of grey matter; most Polish jokes told in America are actually Irish jokes as enjoyed in the rest of the UK.
Ireland is the Short Bus of Europe, a mildewy, cloud-shrouded island inhabited by an ungovernable race of fuck-crazed, monkeyfaced mackerel-snappers whose legendary capacity for alcohol and maniacal obsession with death and misery is offset only by their incomprehensible (and likely completely fake) language. As such, they are still better than the ill-tempered, parsimonious Scots, the tailless Manx, and the subhuman Welsh. God bless Ireland.
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[edit] Society
The actual culture of Ireland consists mainly of consuming alcohol, with other secondary activities engaged in to prolong drinking time. These include:
- Boring the bollocks off one's friends with tedious reminiscence
- Making clumsy passes at ugly women and great passes at hot women
- Eating chips
- Men beat their wives, women beat their kids.
- Being the Vatican's puppets along with the Polish.
- Being born Catholics and not giving a shit about the Pope... he's a former Nazi after all.
- Bad sex in the car park of the local nightclub, and good sex at home and practically everywhere else (See "Population"), and finally and most popularly,
- Blaming the Brits for everything that ever went wrong.
Recently Southern Irish people have been experimenting with blaming other people to varying degrees of success, especially Bono, and can be found cursing at Ethiopians who don't want aid (or was that AIDS?), as well as refugees who travel to prosperous Ireland to escape religious persecution or famine.
[edit] Culture
[edit] Skangers
AKA, Scumbags, scags, north-Dubliners. Skangers make up roughly 99.99% of the Irish population, and is a huge factor that contributes to Ireland being shitty. The average skanger wears a baseball hat with the peak to the front and ridiculously high, have shaved heads, and only wear Nike, Reebok or Adidas apparel. Musically, they have Irish boners for Trance, shit-hop, and gangster rap. They are addicted to football (soccer) and an assortment of drugs and alcohol, like the rest of the Irish. If it wasn't for them, Ireland would have less fail and moar lulz. The skangers' mortal enemy is everyone, when he is drunk, but mostly "rockers", which is a label they dump on any idiot not kitted out in the latest Nike or soccer jersey. Owing to the fact they are fail incarnate, it is easy to fool them into believing you are one of them by wearing said clothing to prevent slagging/beatings/drunken beatings/stabbings/drunken stabbings. The Irish goverment is currently formulating a national plan for the eradication of skangers for great justice.
[edit] Rockers
Predominately, they are losers and basement dwellers, and are mostly made of fail and faggotry, but in a much different way to skangers. Most rockers are losers who band to together in defense from skangers. They are not as annoying but tend to spend their school lives smoking weed. Real "rockers" are actually metalheads that only listen to the most badass wtf metal, and are sadly in the minority. Levels of fail in these people are invariably lower.
[edit] Poland
Ireland currently has more Poles in Ireland than Poland has Poles in Poland. In general they do construction work for less then Irish builders and do a faster better job of it to boot. Where the fuck did all these Poles come from? A mystery, it shall forever remain.
[edit] The Only good things to come out of Ireland
- Father Ted
Thin Lizzy- Dead British People
- Guinness
most Americans- Young harlots
- The ocean separating it from the civilized world
- The Lisbon Treaty
[edit] The Irish Language
The official language of Ireland is Gaelic. While English is a subclass of Germanic Languages, Gaelic is actually a subclass of Gungan, language of Jar Jar Binks of Star Warz fame. Meesa wanna drink to unconscious! is a famous Irish greeting.
The casual observer might interpret Irish (or "Gay-lick") as a complex and rich language with unusual consonant usage and sentence structure. Closer inspection reveals that the Irish are just trying to speak American after one too many beers, and are just pissed to the point of illegibility. The easiest way to write a sentence in Irish is to randomly mash the keyboard with one fist (eg: Tiocfaidh Ár Lá), making Irish very similar to Hebrew.
In America, an Irish accent is a free ticket to having plenty of mean, brutal sex with bohemian, zaftig, Thora-Birch-like art school whores who are looking for an "authentic ethnic experience" to brag to their fellow art school whores about, but who are too bourgeois and white to actually have sex with a darkie or azn. (Arabs are right out.) Middle-aged suburban whores also crave Irish dick as part of their Bono/Liam Neeson fantasies. The process goes like this:
- Affect Irish accent
- Have mean, brutal sex with middle-aged suburban whore/bohemian, zaftig, Thora-Birch-like art school whore
- ??????
- Profit!!!
Outside the USA, an Irish accent is a ticket to a possibly fatal ass-whooping, followed by a speedy deportation.
The Irish language is often hard to hear, as it sounds like a drunken rant, it goes a bit like this:
"I taw you gablekdujhsughewuh sausages were quite delicious fdhgh..."
Its also hard to hear if they're making sexual advances towards you also:
- THIRTY is actually DIRTY In Irish
Use your imagination.
[edit] Literature
Since books were only legalized by the Catholic Church in Ireland last Thursday, not much Irish literature is available outside of a bible or a copy of the local pub's drink menu.
There is a delusion among foreigners and occasionally the Irish themselves, that Ireland possesses a rich literary tradition: that the Irish like nothing more than to talk about art, literature and philosophy. This is a fabrication invented by the Tourist Board in 1973, after the last Irish person with intellectual pretensions was ritually burnt at the stake by the illiterate muck-savages that make up most of the country. Ireland likes to make much of James Joyce, Samuel Beckett etc., long after they have left and vowed never to return to "That pig-ignorant shithole" (James Joyce, "Dubliners" pp. 73). Seriously, the man had to go packin' to France to write "Ulysses".
[edit] Art
The Irish have never been known for their visual acuity. This is a fact easily evidenced by the way they dress. And look. One glance at the plethora of grossly overweight (sometimes pregnant) women in the Capital city of Dublin, who insist on wearing belly tops designed for women vastly more attractive than themselves, is evidence enough for this. In fact, if you see a woman who looks like she's taking care of herself in Ireland, she's probably not Irish.
Though there are Art Galleries in Ireland, they are rarely visited by anyone except pretentious upper-middle class people, who by virtue of being intelligent enough to read something more complex than a football program, aren't strictly Irish anyway. Irish Visual art is mostly done in the medium of thick-black-marker on bus shelter. Notable works include "Smell Yer Ma's Minge" By Anthony O'Carroll, displayed at the M50 Overpass Gallery, and "Brits Out!" displayed in every gallery in the state.
[edit] Too-Rah-Loo-Rah-Too-Rah-Loo-Rye-YAY! Music in Ireland
Music in Ireland generally consists of "folk music," and folk music is bullshit (e.g reggae). Hoyrish musick is also pretty much the soundtrack to every gay Renaissance fair in existence. Ireland has further earned eternal screeching damnation for producing Enya — composer of the well-known soundtrack to Lemon Party.
The national anthem of Ireland, Cúm anh aEileeàn, is based upon an ancient Irish folk melody and a well-known poem from a castle privy in Derry. The lyric, which refers to a Gaelic fertility ritual, is considered too bawdy for public performance; a sanitized version is often performed at football and cricket matches by choirs of youths clad in the traditional costume of denim overalls over unwashed bare skin.
While lacking official status, Ireland's best known musical composition, "Danny Boy", is world famous for being written in England by an Englishman. The song, a maudlin, overwrought, and completely soggy lump of cold pudding sung from the point of view of a dead guy, is usually performed with accompaniment on the bagpipe, a Scottish instrument in which a piper's fœtid, vomit-reeking breath is squeezed from a musty bladder through hollowed-out chair legs. The resulting dirge/farting squeal is what passes for music in Éire.
Ireland has at least 100 shit bands, all consisting of chalk-pale pixie-like Deadly Earnest folk who sing ballads and play harps and sing in an ululating screech that resembles the sound an Arab woman might make while having a elastic bandage ripped from her cunt. Rock music is, strangely, very uncommon in Dublin, as well as all the other, shittier parts of Ireland. Despite this, the Irish people consider U2 to be bigger than Jesus Christ, possibly because U2 is the only employer in Ireland that is a) not owned by foreigners and b) pays in cash instead of in booze. Many unkempt pissbags can be seen stumbling about sporting U2 t-shirts or, as they have been known, the shroud of Bono.
[edit] Population
[edit] The Republic of Ireland
4.2 Million Approx. The Irish population has swelled in recent years due to immigration, which has reversed the historical trend of every Irish person running for the exits in a mad dash to escape the moribund economy, hidebound Catholicism, poxy weather, and general soul-crushing spiritless attitude to life that constitutes the Irish character. Population analysts infer that if immigration continues at its present rate, by 2010 the average Irish person will be 23% more intelligent, good-looking, hard-working, and sober than they are today. Encarta states that there are 10.2 Million Leprechauns, 2.6 million registered sex offenders living in Ireland, and that there are 6.3 Polish builders for every Irish Person.
[edit] Northern Ireland
Northern Ireland is Ireland's Hat (as Canada is to America), and is the arch enemy of the South. The ethnicity rate in Northern Ireland is around 99.5% white Irish. This highlights the fact that it is a shit country that not even the poles want to live in. The average Northern Irish man is a muscly fat, hairy cunt (muscly my ass) and is well trained in the gay art of boxing, which they utilize to gain anything and everything, unless there's a huge guy nearby. 99% of Northern Irishmen have murdered someone in their lifetime. If you ever visit Northern Ireland, be prepared for the fact that there is no oxygen, just glue and aerosol fumes. The word "fuck" occurs at least 89 times in the average "Norn' Iron"'ers sentences. It is believed Northern Irish people have attained such a high level of retardation by extensive rimming of British ass.
Common words and phrases used by Northern Irish:-
- Cock
- Weeker
- Munter
- Wanker
- Aye
- Fuck
- Yer mehhh
- "What's'e craic?"
- Bass, Bais
- Mucker
- Yerooooooo
- Well, how 'bout yee?
- "How's she cuttin'?" In reply: "Full length of the blade!"
- REFILL PLEASE!?/GIZ NOTHER ONE NAI!
[edit] Irish Americans
Irish Americans are to Ireland what weeaboos are to Japan.
Irish Americans differentiated from real Irish people by the fact that they actually like Ireland and want to live in it. They tend to be confused 13-year-old fanboys who can be often found spending most of their time at Ye Olde Keltique Fayre 'N' Gatherin' O' Tha Clannes, held yearly in the parking lot of the Mexican flea market on the bad side of town, desperately trying to find any Irish ancestry possible so that they can celebrate St. Patrick's Day and find an excuse to get drunk. Usually they claim Irish lineage by having things like "Blonde hair" and "Blue eyes". Most of them refer to themselves as Irish seeing as one of their great great great great great great great uncles twice removed emigrated to America from Ireland about a million years ago or something because of the evil limies. Irish Americans can also be found constantly fighting with Italian Americans, because they actually came from Italy and this makes them jealous.
Most would convince you that they are tough Celtic warriors who regularly make donations to NORAID, speak Irish and get in bar fights, when in reality they are mostly metrosexuals who sit around watching repeats of Sex and the City and eating hot dogs. Most, however, express a desire to go back to Ireland which would be totally unfair for the native Irish population if they did, as 87% of people in Ireland would have to become anorexic to make sure Ireland doesn't become the fattest nation in the world with the influx of Americans.
The common Irish sense of baiting humor is missed on Irish-Americans, due to their typical fanboy immunity to sarcasm and irony. Unfortunately, trolling the Irish-Americans about their xenophobia, support for the fine boys of the IRA, and myopic worldview is largely pointless as a result. Trolling the Irish about how similar they are to Irish-Americans, however, is an unending source of Lulz which has been suggested as a futuristic source of power that will outlast the sun.
In the 1960s, the Irish attempted to take over the United States by being all charming. The plot was foiled by American patriot Lee Harvey Oswald. Current presidential candidate Barack OBama was formerly known as "Barrack Padraig O'Bama".
The only thing that can ever troll Irish-Americans as an equivalent is suggesting they have more English ancestry than Irish, which in 90 percent of cases is actually true and in many cases may cause them to become an hero, schizophrenic, ana or Jewish. However, this type of trolling is very inadvisable as the consequences of it may cause you to be bombed by the IRA.
[edit] Other ways to Troll Irish Americans IRL
- Ask them who the current Taoiseach is.
- Ask them what the word "Taoiseach" actually means.
- Ask them what the National Anthem of Ireland is.
- Ask them when Ireland became an Independent nation.
- Ask them if they eat shit.
[edit] Economy
Ireland's economy is largely based on a unique interpretation of Ronald Reagan's Trickle-Down Theory of economics. The Trickle-Up economy in Ireland largely involves massive overcharging for all substandard goods and services: This is based on such industries as charging 6 Euros for a feckin' pint and 2 Euros for a shitty plastic lighter. The revenue generated is largely funneled into offshore accounts by the tiny minority of rich people who run the country. See "Government and Politics".
[edit] Technology
Leitrim, one of the more backward counties in Ireland got its first traffic light in 2003 (The word Leitrim come from Liath Troim meaning grey noise; a reference to the most boring accent in the country). Legend says that by 2009 they are gonna be able to afford a used Windows 95 computer.
Solar calculators, along with condoms, were legalised in Ireland in 1991.
[edit] Religion
According to surveys, 91% of Irish people profess Roman Catholicism, 12% Protestantism and 18% other Guiness. This is due to the Irish habit of lying about everything so as not to cause offense. Most Irish people no longer attend church as they are dying from hangovers at that time on a Sunday morning, trying to convince their sleeping significant other to "at least wank me off fer Jaysus sake" to make the hangover go away.
The Irish people that don't behave in this manner are largely pathetic virgins who still live with their aging mothers in small houses in the rural north-west and/or old people who know full well they're going to die soon.
[edit] Climate
Ireland has shit weather. This is good for the population as the all suffer from Spastic Skin Syndrome and get burnt on contact with the Sun. A normal tourist may observe a cloud of midges and other flying insects covering much of the country's airspace. This prevents much of the Sun's rays reaching the ground and explains why the Irish are all pale and freckled.
[edit] Politics
[edit] The British Government
The United Kingdom is a constitutional monarchy with Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland. The Republic of Ireland, as the name suggests is a democratic republic and nuclear powerhouse
The UK's constitution used to govern the legal framework of Ireland and consists mostly of written sources, including statutes, judge made case law, and international treaties. As there is no technical difference between the ordinary statutes and law considered to be "constitutional law" of Ireland and the rest of Great Britain, the British Parliament can perform "constitutional reform" simply by passing Acts of Parliament and thus has the political power to change or abolish almost any written or unwritten element of the constitution. However, no Parliament can pass laws that future Parliaments cannot change. The United Kingdom is one of the three countries in the world today that does not have a codified constitution (the other two being New Zealand and Israel).
The position of Prime Minister or An Taoiseach, Ireland's head of government, belongs to the current leader of the political party that can obtain the confidence of a plurality in the Dail. The Prime Minister and their Cabinet are formally appointed by the President of Ireland. However, the Prime Minister chooses the Cabinet, and by convention, the Pres. respects the Prime Minister's choices.
[edit] The Irish "Government"
According to the Irish Constitution, Ireland is governed by a system of proportional representation which elects representatives from a broad spectrum of political parties to a legislature with two houses, the lower of which is "The Dail" and the Upper of which is "The Senate." Unfortunately the Irish they never read the fucking fine print, and the government exist as an ever present scapegoat for when British rule makes a fucking retarded decision.
According to any drunk guy having a cigarette outside a pub in any town in Ireland, Ireland is governed by "That shower o' bastards, who made me freeze me bollocks off in the rain so's I could have a fuckin smoke."
[edit] The IRA
The IRA is Ireland's peace keeping force, and anyone born in Ireland is automatically a member. Northern Ireland traditionally hates everybody, including England, Southern Ireland, Protestants, and the guy who knocked over their drink. Starting fights in bars in Ireland is extremely easy. In fact, the fight probably already started before you got there. Still, its customary to go through all the customary procedures. (Hey, did yer knock ovar me pint?" "ay, i'was me fooker")
Apart from bashing the town drunk over the head with a barstool, Northerners like to gang up in terrorist groups with knives, rifles and home made bombs. They are called the IRA (not to be confused with the GAA who are incompetant with explosives but otherwise identical). They go around bombing schools, bashing people, firebombing houses and in general doing things for the lulz.
If Canada was more like Northern Ireland, every single American would have migrated down to Mexico by now.
IRA After School Youth Promo Video
[edit] Loyalism & Orangemen
Orangemen are the voice of loyalism. Loyalism involves hating being Irish, thinking you're British and marching 364 days of the year.
Trivia
- Loyalists think they British, but are really Irish.
- Loyalists have cool names like Mad Dog.
- Loyalists speak a made-up language called Ulster-Scots, which is just English in a dodgy accent.
- Orangemen march many miles a year.
Ali G interviews Orangeman
- Ali G: So is you Irish?
- Sammy Wilson: No, I’m British.
- Ali G: So is you here on holiday?
[edit] Public Organisations
[edit] An Garda Síochána
The Gardaí are the unarmed voluntary community guideline issuing body tolerated by the IRA. They are recognisable by their ill fitting and itchy blue uniforms that may or may not have been bought second hand off the British. Whilst unpaid in principle (gardaí are expected to have proper jobs, though employment is a suspiciously British trait) it has long been acceptable practice for the Garda commissioner to accept donations from reputable and philanthropic organisations such as Shell Oil, the Catholic Church and the John Carthy Is A Brit! Community Group of Abbeylara. These donations in turn may be extended by the Garda at their discretion to fund other worthwhile causes such as the Garda Ombudsman (who handles complaints from Brit sympathisers on their behalf) and the Central Statistics Office.
[edit] Central Statistics Office
The Central Statistics office are the independant voluntary statistic publishing body tolerated by the IRA. Funded by the gardaí, their duty they independently collating figures from reliable sources such as taxi drivers and the Catholic Church and annually publishing detailed breakdowns of American tourism, British espionage, Romanians deported
and small number of Gardaí-related complaints received.
[edit] Gallery
 A popular English flag at least 100 years ago |
 A Sinn Fein member in second stage battlemode. |
 Ireland's favorite son |
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MOAR SPUDS!!! |
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SURE ALL WE EAT ARE SPUDS, BOYOS! |
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WHO CARES IF THE CROPS FAILS? |
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IF IT DOES, WE CAN ALWAYS BLAME THE BRITS! |
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OH SHIT! FAMINE! |
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NAH, WE'RE OK NOW |
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OR THOSE FUCKING POLES |
COMING OVER HERE |
EATING OUR SPUDS |
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WHERE'S STALIN WHEN WE NEED HIM? |
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FUNNY HOW VODKA ISN'T POPULAR HERE |
[edit] See Also
- Great Britain
- England
- Scotland
- Ireland
- Wales
- Polish Jokes
- Knacker
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