Punk
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Punk rock is an audible form of dog shit performed by a combination of angst-ridden teenagers, working-class meatheads, and homeless retards hoping to subvert the United States of Americunts government. While flouting a tough exterior, over 100% of punks cry themselves to sleep with pillows that sport pink frills and needlework they did themselves with mint green floss.
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[edit] History
Punk's origins are often disputed by fans, since none of them can quite make up their minds. Some argue that Punk began in the 70s with the English band Sex Pistols. After discovering that they couldn't play musical instruments properly, they decided to form a band anyway to piss people off. At first glance, the Sex Pistols seemed like they could be the greatest IRL trolls...but they fucked up by singing about stupid crap, abortion, total destruction, and a bunch of other shit. The band broke up after their heroin-addicted bassist Sid Vicious killed his girlfriend and overdosed. Despite this, fans still listen to their music as if it makes them fucking hard by association.
Others argue that the whole mess started when four retards from New York who listened to too many Stooges records decided, in a pot-induced haze to attempt to make musical sounds. The spark that created punk rock can most likely be found when they discovered that they could, in fact, NOT play their instruments, yet despite this, proceeded to try relentlessly for 20 years. Such was the Ramones, who sold a few albums in the 70s before the members all died...Ha ha! Their music is now not cool enough to listen to. However, buying one of their t-shirts from a major outlet store will give you instant street cred! Enjoy!
It should be noted that punk died nearly a month and a half after it was invented. Nothing is punk anymore, so you failed. Also, keep in mind that mohawks went out of style when the white people killed the savages that invented them. No exceptions, bitches.
[edit] Lifestyle of a Punk
- Poseur (OMG! I'm HxC!): The Poseur may have just found Blink 182 on MTV, or may have just learned about his first less famous band from the internets. Too elite to hang out with non-Punk peers yet too fresh to become part of the true Punk elite, the Poseur repeatedly reveals his inexperience by speaking constantly of his favorite Pop-Punk groups (typically Good Charlotte,
NOFX, Guttermouth, and/or Sum-41), Hot Topic, and his current hairdye. At this level, the Poseur will frequently misuse Punk argot, believing proper way to shorthand Hardcore is "HxC" (it's hXc, newfag). Additionally, he will think that sporting X's on his hands is a fashion statement rather than a social one. Placing the final nail in the Poseur's coffin, he dreams of attending Vans Warped Tour, despite the fact that the event is funded by a corporation which probably exploits sweatshop labor.
- Punk Rocker: After floundering his way through Punk subculture, the Poseur evolves into a true Punk Rocker. He begins to understand teh governments are evil and either Anarchism or Socialism is the way of the future, with his choice of political ideology dependent on both personal preference and current employment (or lack thereof). His political opinion develops, albeit prematurely; he frequently maintains an anti-Racist stance yet still holds onto his misogyny. The Punk Rocker typically knows of at least five local Punk venues and dozens of better known Hardcore bands. The Punk Rocker preys on Poseurs, effectively imitating his then-oppressors. Becoming a fashion snob, he spends at least 10 minutes getting to spike his Mohawk as high as possible and making sure all his patches are still sewn onto his jacket. Typically, a combination of Oi!/StreetPunk and Hardcore can be found in his playlist/CD/vinyl collection.
- Intelligent Punk: Overexposure to an Anarchist point of view, and hanging out with Crusties for at least one month, the Punk Rocker subscribes to the belief that through collectivist action, peace can be achieved. Reasonably speaking, every nation on earth needs the largest possible government to enforce the banishment of all government. In spite of this glaring contradiction, Intelligent Punks continue to preach Chomsky and fiery indignation towards Michael Moore's and/or his favorite band's latest targets. Exposed to a feminist point of view by proxy, the Intelligent Punk insists that "womyn" would be better off dead than live under an evil, fascistic, patriarchal, imperialist government. If exposed to an excessively Hippie point of view, the Intelligent Punk will insist that peaceful protest will change the world; if otherwise, the police will frequently apprehend the Intelligent Punk for inciting riots. Many eBay their leather jackets and turn vegan at this stage. At this point, they only will listen to Anarcho-Punk/Crust Punk (and ONLY on vinyl, as digital technology represents barcoded corporate world domination).
- Yuppie: After becoming aware that the world will not squat with him in protest towards multinational corporations and/or failing to abort at least one child, the Intelligent Punk decides to throw in the towel and put the college education that his mother paid for to use. At first, it will become increasingly difficult to find work, as squatting and actively seeking to destroy the government doesn't have a reassuring effect on employers. When the Intelligent Punk finally does find work, he will evolve into the White-Collar Yuppie, and the paycheck rat race begins for him. The Yuppie will work for a big company that lets him listen to anti-corporate punk rock on his iPod. He will tone down his political ideology and subscribe to traditional liberal politics; demonstrating this transformation, his minivan (which his home owner's association allows) will be plastered with pro-Democrat and/or anti-W bumper stickers. The Yuppie reminisces fondly of the Ramones to maintain a public-friendly, non-offensive appearance. Desperate to ensure his children will not travel down the same path he did, the Yuppie will always attend the Pop-Punk concerts his children nagged him to go to.
NOTE: The aforementioned will ONLY happen if the Intelligent Punk manages to find a job; if not, the he quits IRL.
[edit] The Genres
Punk spawned numerous genres within the shitty subculture, creating a schism between the different fans.
[edit] Oi! / Streetpunk
Deciding that working in a factory sucked ass, working class men grouped together to form bands that incessantly bitched about how hard their lives were, and thus named their new created music called, Oi!, which is Cockney for Hello. When lyrics didn't cover their day-to-day routine, they sang about getting drunk, being macho, etc. The genre turned ugly after a few fully conscious Oi! fans listened to Hitler speeches, which resulted bands creating White Power Oi!. Lulz ensued when a few hypersensitive fucks got butthurt because drunk Nazis began attending their shows. From that, anti-racists had to fuck everything up by forming leftard groups such as SkinHeads Against Racial Prejudice, Red/Anarchist SkinHeads, and other such faggotry.
[edit] Hardcore Punk
| Warning!: Hardcore kids aren't intolerant, they'll just beat any rednecks or Nazis they see to death! |
Hardcore punk is a sub genre of the punk music. Its structure is quite simple. Drums are played an absolutely random and musically senseless way, guitar and bass repetitively play the same note ad infinitum, and the "singer" screams repetitively about anarchy and all of that other punk crap. Et voila, now you know how to play hardcore punk. Hardcore punk can be thought of as a way for emos and other failures at life to feel metal and badass while donning chick pants and eyeliner.
[edit] Breakdowns
Breakdowns are a pivotal part of hardcore music. They occur when the song is slowed down (where, in music with a non-shit guitarist, a solo would feature), allowing the emos to attempt spin kicks. When some kid in girly pants and an atreyu t-shirt jumps onto the stage and yells into the microphone "OMG!!!111 BREAKDOWN!!!!11" you know that this band is fucking amazing.
Hardcore kids judge the quality of the music by the frequency, length and quality of breakdowns as opposed to the actual music itself.
To win at a breakdown you need to look like a downs kid getting tasered.
Mr. Bean gives us a perfect example of a breakdown.
[edit] The Straight Edge Ballet
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| Warning!: Watching Hardcore Dancing can cause overdose in lulz resulting in hospitalization |
Hardcore dancing is what happens when emos decide they are going to act like ITGs IRL, they throw their hands around in what is known as a windmill and then attempting a pathetic excuse for a spinning kick which is more like a poorly executed reverse crescent kick.
Other aliases for Hardcore dancing include
- Special Olympics:The Musical
- Fighting The Good Fight Against The Invisible Robots
- Ninja Dancing
- Karate Dancing
[edit] Anarcho-Punk
OMG! Teh anarchy!!!!!1111one11
Anarcho-Punk are Punks that, unlike the losers who are fans of teh Pistols, actually believe in Anarchism. Anarchos frequently believe they actually started Punk because of their political views, distinctively marking them as the most annoying subculture within Punk. Most of them adopt collectivist/communitarian views, thinking that the world can be one big happy family if there was no evil fascist government to enforce rules upon the public.
Back in the 70's, Crass, then a shitty English Anarcho-Punk band named Stormtrooper, decided that the civilized world had become too rich by fucking over most of the third world. Crass blamed all of the world's ills on the evil, xenophobic, sexist, racist, homophobic first world society in which they lived. Agreeing that owning land would be like owning slaves, Crass took it upon themselves to squat in some shitty farm out in Essex and make even shittier music.
Conveniently, Crass overlooked two key facts about both themselves and their habitat: living in the first world afforded Crass the luxury of squatting rather than having to legitimately fend for themselves AND the third world governments would never allow them to spew their discontents had they actually lived there instead. Tragically, their fans completely disregarded their idols hypocrisy and followed in their footsteps; thus, Anarcho-Punk was born, inspiring leagues of bands to all fail epically.
Anarcho-Punk would eventually spawn its bastard child known as Crust Punk, which share so many similarities that it is tough to distinguish one from the other.
[edit] Crust Punk
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| Warning!: One whiff of a Crusty's stench will give you G.R.I.D.S. |
Crust Punk is loud, abhorrent shit attempting to be both metal and punk. Their fans, known as Crusties, suffer from excessive unwarranted self-importance and are convinced they are serious business. Crust Punk lyrics are always about fighting fascism, yet they will go ape shit on anybody that that is somehow less righteous than themselves.
As time progressed on into the 80's, a bunch of shitty bands thought it would be cool to fuse both heavy metal and Anarcho-Punk. Originally, this form of music was called Stenchcore, because when you squat for months without showering, you're going to fucking kill everyone around you with your awful stench. Supposedly, it was then called Crust from the title of some band called Hellbastard's demo, but that's a bunch of crap; it's really because the shit in their fingernails have crusted over.
If not suffering from unquellable guilt from the fact that they live in a first world country, Crusties are invariably haughty moralists determined to convert non-believers to Anarchism. They consistently goad impressionable Anarcho-Punks into becoming Crusties. They're best known for is their activism, in which they're always whining about something, be it women's rights, minority rights, gay rights, animal rights, teh fascist United States government, global warming, stupid white men, and too much other shit to list. As noted, Crusties are complete twats with no life yet feel the need to preach at everyone that does so much as question, let alone oppose, their high moral standards. Most of them are radical feminists, going as far as to deliberately misspell "woman" using a "y" and refusing to shave their underarms and legs. Of note, most of them suffer from incurable levels of white guilt, believing all blacks to be oppressed by the man. Almost 99% of all Crusties are vegetarian/vegan, since they're too faggy to go out and hunt. Despite their sissified nature, this doesn't stop them from participating with the ALF, wantonly destroying animal testing facilities that might come up with a cure to save their ass. Perhaps Crusties are best known for Food Not Bombs; it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to claim that they actually founded the organization. As one could imagine, their ideology is an amalgam of the worst aspects of liberalism and Anarchism.
When not doing any of the above, they're usually squatting, getting drunk, shooting up heroin, and a bunch of other shit
[edit] Riot Grrl!
If Punk could not get any worse, guess again, faggot! Feminists, upset with the Punk's alleged male-domination, an ugly bulldyke by the name of Kathleen Hanna (moar liek Manna, amirite) took it upon herself to form merge feminist politics with Hardcore, thus creating the Riot Grrl! movement. Unfortunately, sissified "men" actually rewarded the Riot Grrls with intellectual credence they never deserved. Little did these men realize that women don't suffer more; THEY JUST CRY LOUDER!
| —Kathleen Hanna, bawwwwwing about shit nobody cares about |
[edit] NOFX responds
Sick of Kathleen Hanna's bullshit (after dealing with a group which worships Andrea Dworkin, who the fuck isn't), NOFX leadsinger Fat Mike wrote an entire song responding to the Riot Grrls' massive faggotry disguised as a legitimate movement.
| — Lyrics to "Kill the Rock Stars" |
[edit] Things Punks Do
- Destroy teh governments
- Kill pigs
- Wear dyed Mohawks (if Oi!) or Dreadlocks (if Crustie).
- Make some fuckin' noise
- Destroy teh governments
- Squat
- Protest
- Whine 'bout the poor animals
- Prophetize nuclear destruction
- Destroy moar governments
- Rock teh 40 oz
- Fight for womyn's rights
- Fuck Nazi Sympathy
- Flip the bird
- Bitch 'bout rich people
- Destroy EVEN MOAR governments!!!ONEONEONEONEONEONEONE
- ????
- NO PROFIT!! Because they are communist fags
[edit] Ways to Troll a Punk
- Tell Anti-Racist Oi! Punks they look like Nazis.
- Tell them that My Chemical Romance/Blink-182/Simple Plan/Sum-41 are teh most hXc band evar!
- Tell them that their brightly colored mohawks make them look gay.
- Tell them Rodney King had it coming.
- Tell them that Henry Rollins is in the closet.
- Tell them that their profane existence is responsible for the massacre of poor innocent vegetables.
- Joke about the Falkland Islands, rape, slavery, or the Holocaust.
- Tell them that the Holocaust didn't happen.
- Crapflood their forums with racial slurs and racist macros.
- Tell them that because they are not singing right, they are not a legitimate form of music.
- When debating, always call them out on their hypocrisy. This especially works when they complain about their "rights;" they seek rights from governments they wish to destroy.
- Tell them women deserved to get raped, and also that men are the superior sex.
- Accuse Riot Grrls of matriarchy.
- Tell Crusties they should shower moar often.
- Criticize any/all of their activism.
- Publish their zines on used toilet paper.
- ????
- Profit!
[edit] Profane Existence's Butthurt
An EDiot claiming to be Anonymous attempted to troll the boards. Within minutes, butthurt internet tough guys almost instantaneously responded.
| —Says the masked poster who has attended protests threatening to riot |
| —Then GTFO teh internets, n00b! |
| —Butthurt poster, being an internet tough guy |
| —BAWWWWWWW |
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- Diagram of a Punk
- Profane Existence message board
- Punk Connect forum
- Ox Blood Oi! Forum (lol-cow city)
- Potential lol-cow
- Another good lol-cow (crapflood with fun images of animal cruelty for massive lulz)
- hXc isn't just for fgts
- hXc dancing is OMG SRS BIZNSS
- OMGZ! Real hardcore gangsterz! (For the lulz)
- Hardcore kids filming each other beating the fuck out of Nazis! It raises the question: Which is worse?
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Punk is part of a series on Music. |
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