Rap

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This music is rap. You can help by completely re-composing it.

Eazy E invented gangsta rap. He also died of AIDS. What a fag.

Crap, also known as hippity hop and sometimes "rap", started out as music made by blax specifically for consumption by the hip black community. Ironically (thanks to MTV), wiggers, Mexicans and Asians and even some Jews make up the majority of rap fans. Rap was once the only form of black music that hadn't been taken over and revamped by the white middle class, but this gradually changed, starting from the moment NWA released their first chart-topping album (Billboard #1) and ending with the rise in prominence of Eminem. This is considered highly offensive by the black community, as blacks never steal anything from whites; never, never, never.

Terrorists of Popular Music

From Tupac's music video for Ambition Az A Ridah

Black people have always dominated the charts in one way or another. At least 100 years ago, blacks started to write their own songs and record music, and from the very get-go their stuff sounded ridiculous. Modern rap is no different, except in that now black people don't even bother with instruments like guitars or saxophones and instead use cheap ass, outdated samplers and drum machines stolen from local pawn shops and decent white folk. Even with shitty equipment like this, and low quality record production, they act like they have money, women, cars and other material possessions.

Sadly, there is but one thing they will never, ever possess: talent.

Rap and Hip Hop

Decline of civilization.

Rap's politically correct 'brother', hip hop was also rap's negligent parent. Although primarily considered by adherents to be a 'lifestyle' and/or movement hip hop purports to include "music" (rap), fashion, "art", and dance. As a musical genre, Hip Hop is supposedly more thoughtful, conscious and 'cleaner' than Rap and thus tl;dr and shit nobody cares about since it promotes such ludicrous ideals as black pride, respect for the black woman and non-violence whist it denounces such things as black-on-black violence, using the "igger" word calling women "bitches" and all the other stereotypical trappings of the gangsta rapper's 'ghetto nigger' lifestyle.

Most hip hop 'artists' consider themselves to be more educated, enlightened and 'advanced' than other rappers and look down upon their gun-toting brethren (who sell more records in one day that they do in a career). Many black hip hoppers have also converted to Islam and take Arabic names to show-off their piety. 99.9% of them are hypocrites, however, who enjoy smoking blunts, drinking Cosmopolitans and having sex with anything that moves whilst eating bacon sandwiches laced with X whenever the opportunity arises.

/rap/

Rap is a board on 24chan where middle class white teenagers partake in gangster rap battles. The board was made by Eric after 24chan's insurgent decided to beg for it endlessly

Rap and the Jews

Many rappers, particularly those who have converted to Islam, express a personal dislike of Jews. For instance, Chuck D of Public Enemy once praised epic Jew-hater Louis Farrakhan as "a prophet" and complained that the Jews who control the media were crucifying him, just like they did to Jesus. Professor Griff, another PE member, went so far as to blame Jews for the majority of evil in the world, including unleashing "bling" culture onto black ghettoes through their control of the diamond industry. However, Public Enemy's first album was produced by the Jew Rick Rubin and all of the businessmen responsible for distributing their music were Jewish, revealing it all to be a staged spectacle put on by the Jews to confuse and entertain the populace.

Essentially rap music is nothing more than a plot by the Jews to convince black people that it's cool to be angry and violent criminals. Not that many black people need much encouragement about that or anything.

Hating Rap

Many people think that rap is the new fad -- and it was, for a while. But now hating rap is the new fad. Many trendy teenagers have taken to hating rap in the quest to be different, ironically becoming part of the majority themselves.

Remember...Rap is Crap. & Music is like candy...you throw away the (w)rappers.

Constructing the Rapper

Although the media makes him out to be one, Paul Wall is NOT a rapper.

One of the more hardcore artists in the genre

Hustling
According to CNN, many rappers are African-American!
An extensive criminal record
Dark skin color (acceptable range: #CD853F to #000000)
An annoying/deep voice, it helps if you can sound like you perpetually have a mouthful of oatmeal
Using a "smoothe" tone of voice when talking to a "lady" when in reality, you're about as smoothe as sandpaper.
Bad grammar and/or words that are hip phonetic misspellings of common words contained within your name (e.g. dawg/dog/dawwwggg, Phat, E-Z, Busta)
A gang and/or group of other "Rappers"
Acting like you can beat the shit out of absolutely anyone
Claiming to have a dick over 14 inches long
Wearing a Gay 1980s-style color-matched sports outfit
Being from the da Hood or the projects
Having a "grill" filled with golden teeth
Driving an SUV, even though the most rugged terrain it will traverse is a pothole
Wearing gold everything around your neck - gold clock, gold Mercedes hood ornament, gold chains; the technical dexterity of the rapper is proportionate to the cm³ of gold around his or her neck
Trash talking about other rappers, getting shot, then doing it again because you're a dumbass
Growing up on the streets
Gangbang your pecker off
HURRY UP! THEY'RE ABOUT TO START THE POOL PARTY!

Lifestyles of the Rich and Criminal

Rappers smoke overpriced schwag, smoke heavily cut/overpriced crack, drink overpriced liquor, pop meth-cut/overpriced X and generally use the dollars of their adoring fans to pay the bikini-clad black women who strip for them were originally honor students at college, but were kidnapped, brainwashed and are now permanent prisoners in the mansions of the hip-hop artists.

It is also worth noting, that in order to be a rapper, you must hate white people. It is, however, acceptable if you buy overpriced brand-name products from whitey, such as cars you don't know how to drive (e.g. Mercedes, Cadillac, Lamborghini, Rolls Royce, Bentley), jewelry you look like an asshole wearing (e.g. Rolex), designer clothing you trash daily (e.g. Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Prada) and other sophisticated things that niggers are too stupid to make.

Clothing

One of the greatest rappers of all time

Hip hop apparel usually consists of dangerously baggy pants that drag on the ground and trip the rapper, boxers that are constantly visible, a 25-pound matching hooded sweatshirt, oversized brown boots, fake jewelry, $500 Air Force 1 shoes (because "they're fuckin hot kicks") and the ape inside of it all (see right). Wiggers can wear this, but their typical attire is dark and nylon with blue flames and a lame ass dragon on the back.

Tips to Rapping Fashion

Wear baggy clothing/Look like a complete tool
Claim you're the best thing since sliced bread
Rap about drugs, gay sex and failed cumshots
Own a collection of flat-brimmed hats that all have DC or NY on them.
Wear excessive cologne and grills (sometimes optional)
Own about 2000 pairs of shoes, and never ever tie any of them.
Talk about fabric softener behind "yo' girl"'s back.
Wear excessive bright colors that don't match at all (such as yellow and orange together)
Walk with your hands tucked into your jeans (which should be down to almost your fuckin ankles.
Pretend to like sports, particularly lacrosse.
Shine your shoes with your saliva.
Shine your homeboy's shoes with saliva.
Shine your homeboy's underware with saliva ( see Panty Lick )
Pretend to be from "da hood", which is actually just a fictional place with couches on the lawn and rabid dogs.
Find out WHO THE HELL SHORTY IS! He's in like every freakin' rap song! Who the hell is he?

The Proper Title for a Rapper

One who follows Stalin is called a Stalinist

One who plays guitar is called a guitarist.

One who does art is called an artist.

Therefore, the proper title for one who performs rap is rapist.

QED.

What Classifies As A Rap Song?

Soulja Boy, your typical one (s)hit wonder rap artist. Remember Sisqó? Probably not if you were born post-1990.

For a song to classify as rap, one must be able to identify most or all of the following elements:

A list of felonies
Ebonics
Swearing every other line
Even though not in concert, you must use phrases that refer to you being in an actual concert, such as "Put ya' hands in da' air"
Lyrics or titles containing the pseudomorph tha. as in Tha Cops Was Aksin' Me
Multiple references to some sort of "hood"
Lyrics about raping white women in KFC (they were asking for it which is always the case)
Police sirens
Singing about hard times
Drugs -- lots of drugs
- If you're from the "dirty South": Include references to trashy and psychosis-inducing shit like PCP and sizzurp
Stealing other people's work and mix it in with random sounds
The story all about how your life got flipped, turned upside down
If its modern rap, have a Roland Drum machine that does a beat sample played at a bat-shit crazy tempo, and then say how you're tired of using technology.
A dance that involves being so low to the ground that you get trampled by a retard that is doing it wrong.
Gibberish

Rules of Rap

Not to be confused with...

All post-1990 rap songs are ripoffs of other songs.
Rhyme; it's called retards attempting poetry for a reason.
Use copious filler.
Absolutely under no circumstances can you use a time signature other than 4/4
All white rappers suck, no exceptions
Originality is bad
If you're not gangster, you don't belong.
Rap about bitches, hoes and tricks -- even if the only women you get are stank-ass, STD-infected prostitutes.

Creation of a Hip-Hop Song

This must be the fabled "hood" that is spoken so much about in rap.

SUP DAWG

First a music producer goofs around on a cheap Casio keyboard. You know, the kind you could pick up for five bucks at a flea market and has old leaked batteries inside of it and sticky juice-stained keys. Around 45 seconds later, the proper beat and tempo is found. Then the artist starts rapping some half-assed poetry about his clothes, slutty women shaking their stinky asses, lame double-endantres, acting like a total moron at a club, and his watermelon harvest. The producer may add in a sampled melody of some unpopular Alan Parsons Project song. And that's how a hip-hop song is made. If that's too advanced for you, we here at ED have created a handy guide:

First, you must create a TOTALLY PIMPED-OUT and preferably illogical pseudonym because regular old names are too boring for today’s X-TREME generation.
You must write songs about highly innovative and original topics such as sex, drugs, violence, money, women, and nightclubs to establish yourself as a totally unique individual because those topics have never been written about before or even discussed for that matter. Remember, nobody likes a poser! Also make sure to be sexist and racist towards white people.
When you write a song, go for style and not substance! Make sure you rhyme as many times as you can. Don’t worry about sacrificing the coherence of your message to all your forced rhyming; there’s no substitute for kool!!! In fact, the more incoherent your song is, the better. See Riding Dirty for inspiration! Also curse a lot. Make sure to say fuck, shit, bitch, hoe, nigga, ass, dick, pussy, piss or muthafucka every other line. You are trying WAY too hard if the chorus of your song contains more than 5 different words.
Make sure to repeatedly lace your lyrics with random vocal interjections such as “uh-huh,” “yeah,” “dat's right,” and most recently "ballin" to remind everyone that you’re totally off the hook. Of course, these meaningless vocal spasms of shite do not serve to the fill the void when you can’t think of more substantial things to rap about...
Don't even bother about singing because that takes talent and effort. Just talk in somewhat of a rhythm—occasionally. Speak normally the rest of the time. Make certain that you butcher the English language as much as you can. Never speak correctly. That's not being totally pimp, yo!
Turn on the radio to a rock station. Listen for a catchy guitar riff and record it. Synthesize it, and alter it slightly. Loop it about 100+ times and you have your VERY OWN, NON-PLAGIARIZED RAP SONG! Next, drop random samples of police sirens and loading guns to show everyone that you're a bad-ass rebel. Then give yourself a cookie.
Don't forget to put a picture of a hot woman on your CD cover to compensate for your lack of hot women in the real world. Also, do it to boost the sales of your CD because you know your shit sucks, and is hence likely to attract the sort of crowd liable to use it for a cheap wank.
Sit on your lazy, narcissistic ass and let other people who are more competent and talented than you mix, produce, print and publish the album.
PROFIT!

PROTIP: It is impossible for a rap "song" to be by just one rapper. It's a little known fact that every rap song features at least 100 other rappers, most of whom are unknown. In fact, the majority of every rap CD does not feature the actual rapper itself.

Music Videos

Every rap video ever

If the song is about love (e.g. "I love da way you shake dat ass" in the chorus), then the music video will include scenes of the rapper in question cheating on his girlfriend and then winning her back by giving her a new necklace or diamond ring or something similar. These scenes will be, of course, intercut with clips of the rapper and his "crew" sitting in a hot tub with bikini-clad women. Little did you know that Snoop dog has a lighter softer side.

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PEE WEE HERMAN IN THIS BITCH!!!

Viewer Discretion Advised

Shitty Wigger Rap

Horrid Irish Wigger Autotune Nonsense

Gallery

This guy raps about his longing for buttsex with other dudes	Thug life Obama	Your average rap fan	The proper way to enjoy rap music
This man still has the best selling rap album of all time	Thizz in peace	The typical response of rap fans after being trolled. Note the marvelous, intellectual and beautiful creative use of the English language	Rap music makes you highly proficient in the use of the English language