The Rapture
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Most sane people think of "The Rapture" as a song by the late 1970s "New Wave" singer Blondie, celebrating the rap music and breakdancing culture beginning to emerge in the Bronx, from a very wigger perspective. For others, it reminds them of the city Rapture from Bioshock. But for many millions of people, however, mostly in the USA, the term describes the world's most important event since Jesus was crucified. The Rapture for them is the time that Jesus will return to Earth to take "His people" to Heaven, leaving everyone else "left behind" on Earth. These doomed losers will then have to face the emerging Antichrist! and eventually be sent to Hell where they will endlessly drown in lakes of fire, with red demons poking pitchforks in their butts.
At the moment of the Rapture, millions of people suddenly vanish, all around the globe in one shocking moment. They will actually leave their clothes and shoes etc. right where they had been standing, moments before (this is due to the initiation orgy at St.Peter's gate). Everyone else will be quite puzzled as their friends disappear before their eyes. Cars and airliners will careen out of control as Raptured drivers and pilots suddenly abandon ship. Even the donated organs of Christians, whether live or dead will be raptured right out of the sinner's body. Everyone dies.
Then, a great deal of tl;dr takes place, mostly scary and bad things, until the Antichrist takes over and everyone goes to Hell. All you need to know is that the Rapture happened last Thursday, God found noone worthy of taking to heaven, and he won't be sending anyone to Hell because he's lazy and thinks earth to be close enough.
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Is this soem X-tianity?
According to normal Christians, that is, the ones who follow Jesus in the usual kind of less-disturbing Catholic or Protestant ways, the doctrine of the Rapture "is not and never has been" part of regular Christian belief. It's not in the Bible. It's not in the Roman Catholic or Greek Orthodox Catechism. Top Christians of the olden days Martin Luther, John Calvin, and John Wesley never heard of it. This Rapture thing is pure American fantasy/Sci-Fi at its finest.
Around the year 1830 a wandering street-preacher named John Nelson Darby met fifteen year old Margaret MacDonald who claimed to have had a private revelation of a rapture. Not all Christians would be rescued, she said, only certain special ones. From this beginning, Darby and his followers started teaching that all true believers will be rescued in a SEKRIT Rapture distinct from the second coming of Christ. Only the extra-good Christians would get to go. As this was far from Pastor Darby's first experience of secret rapture with a fifteen-year-old girl, this prediction did not look at all shopped to him and he spread the word with the aid of a troupe of wandering madmen, the Internets of his day.
Who believes this nonsense?
This line of thinking somehow caught on and by the mid-20th century it was the mainstream belief for millions of Baptist, Pentecostal & Evangelical Christians, which are the ones who mostly live in the US South. In fact, they established hundreds of "colleges" for indoctrinating gullible young people into this belief, holding "Jesus Camps" every summer, and generally making sure that everyone is in full compliance with the doctrine.
How to troll them?
Easiest way:
Proverbs 10:30 (King James Version) The righteous shall never be removed: but the wicked shall not inhabit the earth.
Implications for politics
Because part of the Rapture story says that the "End Times" of the Rapture will come when the final great battle of Armageddon takes place in Israel, most Rapture enthusiasts are constantly pushing for the USA to make wars in the Middle East, and to support Israel no matter what. They are sickeningly ass-kissing to Israel to the point that many think of them as "Christian Zionists," or even as a new kind of Jew. And yet according to the Rapture scenario, the Jews themselves will be "left behind," doomed, except those that are smart enough to convert to Christianity.
In the Christian mega-churches, which can hold 10,000 people, it is surreal to see the whole crowd singing songs in bad Hebrew, "speaking in tongues," crying tears of joy that the great War may be near, and so on.
Where do you think they go on vacation? Israel, every time.
In the American media, there are constant reports of some Rapture fetishist or another urging the President to attack Iran, or to threaten Syria, or stir shit up in some similar way. They are passionate about pushing for a huge Middle East war that will set the stage for the Rapture.
How about money?
Naturally, the Jews are making money off this delusion. That goes without saying. But Rapture Christians are also raking in the loot. TV Preachers bring in millions of dollars annually by guilt-tripping poor, lonely old grandmothers into mailing in their last $20.
There is also a nice industry around "End-Times Fiction," the Evangelical equivalent of sci-fi, which has made a pile of money for various pulpit-pounders over the years. Tim ("Left Behind") LaHaye, Ernest ("Raptured") Angley, and Salem ("666") Kirban are the pseudonyms (more like Jew-donyms amirite?) of some of these authors. There is also a fun collection of video games. For example, in "Left Behind: Eternal Forces," set in Manhattan, the enemy is the Global Community Peacekeepers led by the Anti-Christ. The good guys are the Tribulation Force, left behind when their fellow Christians are beamed up in the Rapture. To win, the Tribulation side must convert "non-believers," and if that doesn't work, kill them. Their weapons are prayer and assorted armaments including flamethrowers, humvees and tanks.
Description of the game
| —CEO of Left Behind: Eternal Forces, on being challenged about all the violence in this game. |
- Conduct physical & spiritual warfare : using the power of prayer to strengthen your troops in combat and wield modern military weaponry throughout the game world.
- Recover ancient scriptures and witness spectacular Angelic and Demonic activity as a direct consequence of your choices.
- Command your forces through intense battles across a breathtaking, authentic depiction of New York City.
- Control more than 30 units types - from Prayer Warrior and Hellraiser to Spies, Special Forces and Battle Tanks!
- Enjoy a robust single player experience across dozens of New York City maps in Story Mode -- fighting in China Town, SoHo, Uptown and more!
- Spend an extra 50 bucks on the VelociRapture upgrade for twice the fun.
- Best of all, this is the only RTS game on the market allowing you to play the Antichrist.
In conclusion
BREAKING NEWS: New date set for The Rapture! May 21, 2011!
TIMING OF IMPORTANT EVENTS IN HISTORY
- 11,013 BC—Creation. God created the world and man (Adam and Eve).
- 4990 BC—The flood of Noah’s day. All perished in a worldwide flood. Only Noah, his wife, and his 3 sons and their wives survived in the ark (6023 years from creation).
- 7 BC—The year Jesus Christ was born (11,006 years from creation).
- 33 AD—The year Jesus Christ was crucified and the church age began (11,045 years from creation; 5023 calendar years from the flood).
- 1988 AD—This year ended the church age and began the great tribulation period of 23 years (13,000 years from creation).
- 1994 AD—On September 7th, the first 2300-day period of the great tribulation came to an end and the latter rain began, commencing God’s plan to save a great multitude of people outside of the churches (13,006 years from creation).
- 2011 AD—On May 21st, Judgment Day will begin and the rapture (the taking up into heaven of God’s elect people) will occur at the end of the 23-year great tribulation. On October 21st, the world will be destroyed by fire (7000 years from the flood; 13,023 years from creation).
MOAR RAPTURE 2011 KRAZIENESS!11!
Retard Rapture Gallery
 Rapture timeline: Good times coming soon! |
 It probably won't be quite like this |
 Satan Wears A Leotard: Kirban's 666 |
 Life is just a video game |
 Easy and fun to play |
 Some aspects of the Rapture are mysterious |
 Takes a licking, keeps on ticking |
 The Raptor. |
 Mabey Not... |
 FAIL |
Rapture Timelines
Further evidence of insanity and/or retardation.
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See Also
- Catnarok
- Hell
- John Hagee
- Jesus
- Drugs
- Pat Robertson
- Jerry Falwell
- Ted Haggard
- Benny Hinn
- Retard
- Easter
- Large Hadron Collider
- Read the entire fucking Bible, free (nothing about the Rapture)
- Blondie: Rapture
- Left Behind: Eternal Forces video game
- Torrent for downloading Left Behind: Eternal Forces video game (free)
- Sweet! Download you some Rapture "wallpaper"
- Rapture Ready
- Prophecy Fellowship
- Mirror Rapture Prank Video
| The Rapture is part of a series on Religion 
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