Raven65az
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Somebody call the Waaaambulance!11! This is a blatant attack article about a person nobody cares about. It was most likely written by a butthurt emo with a personal vendetta against the subject. You can help by proving me wrong. |
Contents |
[edit] The Man
Raven was born in some hovel in some country in some month of 1965, the year of the Damn Dirty Hippy in the Chinese Zodiac. Raven was the 4th son of a 7th son, a true herald of majesty in the Celtic-Wiccan-Shaman-Druid-Buddhist-Homeless Guy religion of which he claims to be a 47th level Priest. He took to frequenting online chat rooms in the mid-90s when a close call with a transvestite hooker led him to look down other alleys for his sexual release, i.e., "lolzASL u wnt husbnd?" Amazingly, this approach seems to actually work for people already in possession of a United States Citizenship as Raven scored himself a wife who is, as 9/10 Paganism:1 members will agree, totally too good for him.
With further technological developments, Raven's descent into depravity continued, until webcam cock-shows, scat porn, bukkake, and posing as a 14-year-old Catholic school girl became a daily preoccupation, causing him to lose his job, his house, his car, and his goat. To support his growing internet addiction, Raven was forced to sell his belongings, including his much-loved and treasured Def Leppard vinyl collection, and move into the family manor, the trailer home where he currently resides.
[edit] The Misanthrope
Raven is especially fond of spouting profanities at the local chat-retards, namely Candy and Dearlightdragon, in an attempt to cover his deep-seated need for attention and recognition and to forget the 12 grueling years of "Special Education" that he and his associated windowlickers were forced to undergo before being given a pat on the head and a fake diploma at graduation.
As a self-admitted recovered left-hand-path'er (RPG freak), Raven is hated and oft-times feared by the psychotically-deranged Alabaster, who threatens to murder Raven and his family at least three times a week in his God-given quest to rid the world of internet people who actually manage to get laid regularly.
[edit] Monogamy is for Pussies!
One of the most remarkable things about Raven, despite all of his set-backs and gross physical deformities, is his supposed and rumored prowess as a ladies' man. According to the rumor mill, especially thrown about by Alabaster, Raven and his wife use their bodies to hypnotize and enslave unwitting and unwilling members of the Yahoo! chat community into their evil, baby-killing plots of world domination.
One especially taboo and controversial delving into Raven's on-line love life involves one Gealfling, another chat-room loser, who supposedly has been involved in several trystings with Raven and his wife, something involving a platypus, a virgin sacrifice, sexually-transmitted diseases, and a hand-mixer. These meetings supposedly resulted in Gealfling's conversion to "teh darke syde," her sexual enslavement to Raven and his wife, and initiation into their online Satanic-Wiccan-Druidic-Shamanic-Gypsy cult.
Raven is still prowling the internets, looking for new, fresh, sexually-frustrated meat to add to his online harem, leaving shattered hearts and pus-infested genitalia in his wake.
