Raver
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Ravers frequent raves, which are large drug-fueled parties where a hippie plays the same song for six hours. They are typically teenagers, twinks or sick fucks who prey on the young'ens. Ravers enjoy listening to house and techno music, taking copious amounts of drugs (most notably ecstasy), and dancing with glowsticks.
It is without a doubt the most fun you can have without having sex. Or killing someone.
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[edit] Raver "fashion"
There are several different varieties of raver fashion, and most of them were designed to make people look incredibly stupid.
- Kandi
- The most familiar and most obnoxious type of raver fashion is that of "kandi," which involves wearing brightly colored oversized pants, 'kandi' jewelry, wings, and a vacant facial expression. The latter is caused by taking too many drugs, and can last for days.
- Nobody likes kandi ravers anymore, due to their immaturity and their insistence on adhering to the ideals of P.L.U.R.
- Jungle
- Only hoodies and cargo pants are allowed. Bonus points are awarded for use of "urban camouflage." Junglists don't like anybody. African Americans easily relate to Jungle music because they came from Africa at least 100 years ago. Junglists like to think they're Jamaican, probably because they want to live in poverty apparently.
- Cyber Goth
- Usually the fat people with the dread falls and way too much makeup that you see at raves. They won't talk to you, because they are 'far too cool'. They wear lots of leather and tight clothes that make their muffin tops stick out floppily.
- Stoner
- These guys got lost and ended up at a rave. You can identify them by their Grateful Dead T-shirts and look of utter confusion at the sound of drum machines.
- Lads
- They're wearing polo shirts and khakis. They're not there for the music, they're frat boys looking for drugs. Or alcohol. Or cox. Or any combination of such.
- Not Ravers
- These are the people who showed up solely for the drugs. They don't like the music, come from another scene, and are usually as lost-looking as the stoners. Anyone wearing normal clothes at a rave is probably not a raver.
- The Heat
- Imagine a candy raver gone overboard and remove the drugs. That guy over there asking about where to find some acid? He's a cop. Avoid him like the fucking plague.
- If he is in fact a candy raver, keep avoiding him.
[edit] Rave music
Whenever you go to a rave, don't expect to see any musical instruments at all. Turntables are not instruments either; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The only thing ravers listen to is electronic music, which everyone else calls techno. Never call it that though, as you'll have an hours-long argument on your hands as the raver will try to educate you on the intricate categorizations of electronic music. Even shithead and well-known wigger, eminem, knows that raver "music" sucks. A short guide follows:
- House
- Created in the '80s by gay nigrass in Chicago (no srsly), this is the music you get when you use the presets on your drum machine to get a never-ending 4/4 beat. Sometimes producers add bass or bleeps to make it slightly less boring. House snobs are the second worst elitists in the scene, only outdone by junglists.
- To create house music yourself, dig out your old Donna Summers album and turn the bass all the way up. Then move the pitch up and down. Note: The reason this only works with Donna Summers albums is because they were produced by Giorgio Moroder, electronic music's version of Christopher Walken.
- Predictably, rave and house music was very popular in Europe during the late 1980s, where people showed up to fields, took ecstasy and had buttsex every week. This almost achieved the level of a national past-time in Britain until normal people and the police decided they did not like ravers causing anarchy so they they killed all of them by listening to angsty Americans jabbing themselves with heroin needles. Unfortunately the deformed and mentally retarded raver offspring survived and are now known as chavs.
- Trance
- House music on ecstasy. It's full of six-minute snare rolls, squealy synth lines designed to make your trip better, and breakdowns which last two days with absolutely no beats. Trance music is the reason Candy ravers exist, since it's as cheesy and juvenile as they are. There are a lot of types of trance, each sounding like its own type of crap (i.e., shit snowflakes), but Ibiza is the worst example of trance available. Nobody likes trance anymore, especially trance DJs, junglists, and you.
- Techno
- Techno is what house music would be if it were made by machines. I mean machines using the machines. It was simultaneously created in Detroit and London, proving that no one who makes electronic music is unique or creative. As techno can be too musically interesting for some people there is a minimalist sub-genre designed to be as stark and soulless as possible.
- Daft Punk
- Daft Punk or DP or double penetration, is probably the most noticable ravers in the known universe. They are said to have a power level of over 9000 by being able to control anyones body with their music. Mostly the penis and vagina. They are fags who are to shy to show their face in public, but love to blow each other and have furry wet dreams.
- Basically, its this really shit Techno band from who gives a fuck because they are absolute shit. Seriously, obsessive fanboys claim that it took the members of Daft Punk to write Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger in about 3 years, when in reality it sounds like they took an upwards amount of an hour. The Daft Punk fanboys are more rabid and obsessed than Nintendo fanboys. It sounds impossible, right? It's the absolute truth. They will defend their band to the death and insist that anyone who doesn't like Daft Punk is 14 and listens to Speed Metal.
- The cold hard facts are that anyone with a decent musical background can rewrite most of their songs in under 15 minutes using Fruity Loops Demo Version. It doesn't take a genius to write one loop, and one drum pattern and repeat it for 5 minutes while occasionally adding A WICKED SICK Guitar part and setting it all to a shitty anime video that's supposed to represent the downfall of the music industry. They even won a grammy for one of their albums, or songs, but that just proves how the music they wrote is equivalent to most shit popular songs in the sense of difficulty and talent required to write.
- Maybe their intention was to use shitty repetitive music as part of the metaphor. If so, hats off to Daft Punk, the world's most over rated shit "band".
- Breakbeat
- Somebody sneezed once while programming a drumloop and breakbeat was born. It's stuttery, midtempo music that has way too many cheezy subgenres to discuss. All breakbeat songs use the same drum rhythm. Burned out Candy ravers and orange skins now listen to breaks. Junglists still don't like them.
- Drum & Bass
- Mostly ignored genre that swallowed up most of the early 90's Jungle attitude. Mainly adaptations of other dance "genres" unless it is goth shit or influenced by jungle. The center of the Drum & Bass universe is DogsOnAcid which is controlled by DJ Fresh, who is worshiped by people that listen to the BBC too much. The "styles" of Drum & Bass are constantly debated, much like labels for emo music were in the days before MySpace, except here there is no end.
- Jungle
- Jungle is fast, aggressive, snobby music. When you get tired of listening to all the other shitty electronic music, you turn to Jungle (in the same way that disillusioned goths turn to Power Noise). And, just like all other genres of electronic music, every jungle track sounds the same.
- Junglists hate all other ravers and each other, and usually are on methamphetamines. They're most frequently found in the back room of raves, as nobody wants to associate with them, shuffling around in hoodies and tweaking. While all the other genre descriptions are parodies, this one is completely true.
- Hardcore
- Hardcore is what happens when you combine brainless dutch retards with your mother. Basically, take any other worthless sub-genre division, amp the bass hits up to the point where they sound like being hit in the head with a board, and add in some annoying high pitched sirens, and you've got some shiny new hardcore. Half of these faggot genre entries, like Gabber and Hardstyle are just sub-sub-genres of hardcore. Get over it you shits.
- Arguably hardcore is the only true "rave music" left since it will never be played in a club ever.
- Psytrance
- Psytrance was created by white hippies who visted, and then subsequently decided to take over, Goa India in an effort to obtain lulz. The white hippies enjoyed lots of psychedelics and talking to "Aliens" (who turned out to be pedophiles) then created an entire sub-culture of annoyingly similar to shit techno music.
- Over time "Goa Trance" evolved into 39812934158 sub-genres including, but not limited to: Psytrance, Prog trance, minimal, trauma, France, neuro, Suomi, Aussie, Forest, asshole, scary, evil, morning, shit, fluffy, banging, The Hammer, Israeli, Cult of Gil and most pathetically, something called 'Psydub.' Most of it is unoriginal and spawns a lot of lulz; however, when high on drugs, people seem to dance to it.
- A popular genre among English posh kids, who pretend to be hippies after being dropped off at a squat party by Daddy in his Range Rover. Notably distinct from traditional trance because it is not made exclusively by brain-dead gays.
- Industrial
- Industrial is a shit sub-genre that doesn't seem to exist when it actually does. It does exist, it is just impossible to locate a pure form of it since it's usually just a dumbed down version of one of the afore-mentioned genres which has been combined with cry-baby New Wave, like The Cure. The only half-decent industrial band is KMFDM.
- It's used by ravers who try to fool people into thinking its something else, when its just more electronic goth crap. Technically, since it only attracts fatass and skeleton-skinny Goths to it, it has no place in an article on ravers, but, since it's not notable enough to deserve an article of its own, it stays here.
- Mashup
- The only sub-genre with hipster cred. Mashups are freestyle combinations of disparate dance music genres from hip-hop to hardcore to polka in order to create a purposely weird musical collage. This kind of ironic, half-hearted, nostalgia-driven crapart is exactly what fuels the modern hipster movement. Thanks, post-rave culture!
- Nu-Rave
- A few middle-class emos in the UK decided they were sick of how terrible their lives were so they decided to take ecstasy to null the pain, made a few shitty songs in Fruity Loops, had the most amazing parties EVAR, pranced around holding glowsticks and wore tight jeans. This lead to the NME proclaiming that a new youth movement had emerged called nu-rave. Unfortunately no one gave a shit enough to listen and rave is still dead. These are the sort of bands which proclaim themselves to be incredible new audiorgasms which mix the best of classic and modern dance music but just turn out to be faggots with clangy guitars and NES music playing in the background.
- Other
- Anything you can't categorize; it's probably ambient, or IDM, or just plain shit, which is redundant. Within five minutes someone will have devised a micro-subgenre to describe the one song that they're trying to figure out.
[edit] Raver Culture
Ravers don't really have culture. They're just hippies with technology. Except for junglists, who hate hippies. Breaks-heads are just trendy, and aren't bitter enough yet to be junglists.
[edit] PLUR
P.L.U.R. is an acronym popular with ravers. The letter stand for: Peace, Love, Unity and Rape or "'P'"edophiles "'Love, "'U'"nderaged, "'R'"avers
Some ravers contend that the R is for respect, but this is likely cover for POS moments.
Ravers believe that rape brings them together as a community. Furries, who dress in six-thousand-dollar wolf costumes made of carpet and compare their detractors to Hitler also believe they are a community.
See also Rave Match.
[edit] Drugs
The only thing all ravers have in common is a love for excessive consumption of mind-altering substances. Everyone at a rave is high, even the paramedics. The most common drug is ecstasy, and no one who uses it has any idea how to spell it. Alcohol is sold at raves to people over 19, and spilled on the dance floor by Drunk Idiots so it's too slippery to dance.
[edit] Ravers and the Internet
Since raves are an underground phenomenon, the one way all ravers keep track of where they'll be buying and taking drugs is on internet forums. Typically, half the members of a local raver forum have slept with one another, which usually leads to massive amounts of drama. At least one poster will talk about how much better the scene used to be, and anyone new is mocked, as they are inevitably dirty candy ravers. Junglists talk shit about everyone on the forum no matter what.
Motivated ravers will often begin creating their own music to show off to their cliques on the internet. 90% of this music is made with cracked warez and gigabytes of ready-made loop packages. A rare few will use real synthesizers and talent, but often not enough real skill. The rarest and most elite internet musicians are the ones who make music with old vacuum cleaners, a shelf full of your mom's dildos, and a desecrated furby.
[edit] gallery
 These are the things ravers are made of. |
 Dooman in his virgin prime. |
 Gabber when in stoned form. |
 Errr..do words exist? |
 At least something good comes of this |
 Bunch of 40 year old music making mother fuckers, or neophyte as they prefer to call themselves. |
 Lighting in a typical rave party. Notice how it looks like what hippies see. |
 Furry or raver? Who knows... |
 Both! A furry AND a raver! |
 Moar colorful hippy shit |
 Party hard |
 Party harder with teh smileys |
[edit] See also
- Goths
- Scenewhore
- Vampirefreaks
- Music
- Ishkur
- Buzzboard
- Reason
- Harli Raver
- Techno Viking
[edit] External links
- ishkur.com
- PHAT RAVE
- Dontstayin.com Find out where the closest faggotry is happening near you!
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Raver is part of a series on Music. |
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