Religion

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Our Lord

Religion is the smug, self-satisfied, and often lulz-inducing system of belief which negates rational thought, creating insular groups of people who attempt to convert one another to their specific One True Faith™. The foundations of any particular religion lie not within its doctrines but instead are fixed upon the collective fears and weaknesses of its followers, as well as having a constant disregard for the burden of proof as a prerequisite for Eternal Salvation© available at a Wal-Mart near you.

Religion is no doubt the largest forced meme in human history.

1 How to tell if religion is right for you
2 A Summary of All Religions
3 About God
- 3.1 Why He Is Famous
- 3.2 Why Noone Believes In Him
4 God's Fan Clubs
5 The Jews
6 Islam
7 How To Start a Religion
8 How to get lulz
9 See Also
10 External Links

[edit] How to tell if religion is right for you

Are you a crybaby who can't handle reality?
Are you a wretched person that kicks dogs?
Are you a scatter-brained moron with no regard for logic?
Do you constantly pray to imaginary people in order to feel like you have control over an otherwise unpredictable existence?

If you answered, "OMG! YES! R U SYKICK?" to these questions, then you need... Religion!

(...or a walk-in oven).

[edit] A Summary of All Religions

God

VS.

Satan

ROUND 1, FIGHT!

[edit] About God

God is a controversial figure whose hobbies include self-contradiction, racism, genocide, mind control, telekineses, voyeurism, bondage and basic human rights violations. He is also referred to as 'Brahman', 'Dio', 'Allah', 'Weev', the 'Flying Spaghetti Monster', Ego_Trip and 'lol yea that dood who totally told that guy Isak to kill his son for a prank rofl.'

[edit] Why He Is Famous

Most famous for his creation of the universe, space, time, reality and penises, he has received mixed responses since. Less known actions include flooding the Earth, killing every first born son in Egypt, keeping Mohammed's hashish stock supplied, giving some American evangelists gold fillings as if by magick!!111 and rectifying erectile dysfunctions. Despite this involvement many have wondered whether God is really doing it all for the lulz, considering his inexplicably random acts of healing, and absences at many major events throughout history - most famously at Auschwitz. While millions of still-born fetuses hit the ground with a thud, and millions more are ravaged by illness, it is some relief to know that his face will appear in home-made pies with alarming regularity.

[edit] Why Noone Believes In Him

Some argue that noone believes in God because he does not believe in himself, for believing in himself would prove that he exists, and one cannot simply prove that God exists.

There is also the notion that believing you have a personal relationship with a being infinitely larger than yourself makes you a crazy person.

[edit] God's Fan Clubs

God has many fan clubs across the globe known as religions. These groups mainly argue among one another about God's sexual preferences and bust size, with the controversy often escalating into mutual butthurt. The two biggest religions are Christianity (pure aryans) and Islam (sand dwellers). Conflict has arisen over whether God raped Mary using his mind powers, and whether his illegitimate son is now fused with him and some randomer called the Holy Spirit in an eternal three-way gangbang. Disputes between Protestant Christians and Catholic Christians in Northern Ireland have resulted in numerous bombings, because there is some disagreement between the sexual attractiveness of the Pope. Fortunately however nobody cares about the marsh-dwelling Irish. Some hissy fits result in regrettable occurrences on a superlative scale, such as 9/11, The Crusades and the Thirty Years War.

[edit] The Jews

Fact:

Jews did WTC
Only thing worse than being a jew, is being a nigger
Jews have huge noses
Hitler pwned them 39-45
You have the right to shoot them on sight
A cat is fine too

[edit] Islam

Most recent major monothesitic religion invented by a faggot who kicked the shit out of his fathers statues and was banished from his gated community. After proceeding to lick the shit out of over 9000 toads, he started hearing voices that told him to exploit gullible newfags and make them obey his every will.

Five Pillars of Islam
1.) Praise Allah
2.) Work for 7-11 or a Getty
3.) Hate Whitey
4.) Avoid the Party Van
5.) Blow up fucking everything

[edit] How To Start a Religion

Promise that everyone gets a load of virgin whores if they believe in your religion
Say that those who don't believe in your religion will get the shit kicked out of them
Campaign and speak publicly, attracting people's attention to your radically different beliefs even though you probably ripped them off from other religions.
Say that something that wasn't alright in another person's religion is alright in yours (polygamy, murder, incest, stealing, and eating meat are all good promises)
????
PROPHET!!!

BONUS TIPS:

Offer free food at every meeting (hobos will do anything for a cold-cut)
Offer Kool-aid (Bonus points if it has cyanide in it)
Needs more Kool-aid

[edit] How to get lulz

1. Go to http://fstdt.com/fundies/random.aspx?archive=1

2. ???

3. Profit!

Just recently my son Bobby came out to me. I had been worried for awhile. His teachers said most of his grades were slipping and he seemed depressed and withdrawn. Bobby said he'd been hiding it for awhile because he was afraid I would reject him. I sat him down and told him that I loved him and that God loved him, but that his salvation was in danger if he did not resist his unnatural tempations. I told him how being gay would mean he would live a shorter life, and that if he couldnt change his orientation he could be celibate like most the ex-gays are. He started crying saying something along the lines of "I knew you wouldnt understand! You're just like everyone else!" before running to his room and slamming the door. What did I do wrong? I dont want to lose my son, but I fear I already have. I talked it over with his therapist, who had the ludicrous idea that homosexuality was unchangable and that trying to repress could lead to lots of psychological damage (I've dropped him and will try to be finding another therapist with more moral beliefs). I wouldnt be surprised if he's the one who's feeding my son all the homosexual propaganda about how its 'ok' to be gay. That, or how homosexuality has engulfed the media, making it seem 'cool' and 'hip' and how they were just another oppressed minority. You didnt have to worry about seeing two men making out on tv at my age! I dont want to sound like a fanatic, but Im worried what other effects will come out of this increasingly secular, immoral society obsessed with filth. Am I too late? Or is it possible to save my son

(Note: the boy eventually took his own life.)
~Betty

I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!
~Linda

If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol
~Gods Soldier