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Robert Hawkins
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Sad to say, there is an hero in this article. |
Robert Hawkins went out in of style in an event dubbed the LOLmaha Massacre '07. After getting kicked out of his house by his parents, failing the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery Test, losing his job at McDonald's, breaking up with his girlfriend, and getting his CD player stolen, he snapped. Dressed in stylish Army camo and sporting a freshly styled military haircut he went to the balcony of a shopping mall in Omaha, Nebraska where he began picking-off employees and customers with an AK47 whilst the mall piped seasonal favourites such as "Jingle Bells" to accompany the screams of the dying.
He pwned eight people and wounded five before eviscerating a teddy bear and then turning the gun on himself for one more confirmed kill. Hawkins died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Mysteriously, over 50 Jews that worked at the mall stayed home from work that tragic day.
This was all after announcing his intention to the world in the usual manner, by posting it on /b/.
Police aren't sure yet, but Hawkins is speculated to have lost his iPod whilst some argue he was just a pissed-off kid who'd spent his life getting ass raped in one foster home or another. He was also being treated for ADD and depression. In one of many rambling suicide notes, he told his latest foster mother that he didn't want to be a burden on her any more. And now he'd be famous.
Mainly though, Robert Hawkings will be remembered as an Epic Fail Guy since if he really wanted to be famous and go out in style, he would have tried to shoot President Bush. Bush himself was in Omaha on Wednesday for a fund-raiser, but left about an hour before the shootings. Coincidence? You decide.
The scholars at /b/ are currently crunching the numbers regarding Hawking's kill ratio before awarding him a WIN or a FAIL and determining his chart position with other FPS heroes such as The Finnisher and The Blazn Azn. Determining factors include body-count to target (aka 'holiday shoppers') ratio, shots fired, and the shooter's available firepower. Current estimates lean toward FAIL however, as 6 of his 8 victims were over the age of 45.
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[edit] Just the facts?
The shooting was the worst single day of violence in state history (not counting the various massacres of Injuns by the US Cavalry before 1920).
Hawkins, known as Robbie, was an emotionally troubled, high school dropout who, according to friends, had lost his job that Wednesday and his girlfriend in the two weeks prior. Hawkins moved in with his friend Will's family last year in the Quail Creek subdivision of Bellevue, according to Will's mother, Debora Maruca. It seems the boys liked to target and skeet-shoot at her family's cabin. The night before the shooting, Hawkins and her sons showed her an SKS semiautomatic Russian military rifle.
In Sarpy County in 2005, Hawkins admitted to a drug charge. He also pleaded guilty that year to disorderly conduct in Washington County and later was arrested for not paying the $100 fine. Hawkins' father, Ronald, had been concerned about his son, said neighbor John Hubbard, a captain at the Douglas County Jail. Ronald Hawkins asked Hubbard earlier this year if he would take the youth on a tour of the jail to get him "scared straight".
Hawkins was a student at Papillion-La Vista High School "off and on," Principal Jim Glover said. Hawkins quit school in March 2006, his senior year. Maruca said he later had gotten his general equivalency degree (GED).
[edit] Happy
He made about $800 a month working at a nearby McDonald's and had started to pay rent in an effort to become more responsible. He had gotten his driver's license in July, and on Nov. 28 he licensed a 1995 green Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo.
[edit] Sad
He had broken up with his girlfriend in the last two weeks. He was also ticketed Nov. 24 on suspicion of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and two alcohol charges.
"He must have felt like everything he touched turned to crap," Maruca said. Maruca is a nurse in the recovery room at the Nebraska Medical Center. "Instead he turned my weekend to crap with all the wounded fly-over state fatties he blasted the fuck up. What a dick"
[edit] What people are saying about Robbie Hawkins...
| —Foster mom |
| —Omaha's Mayor |
| —Robbie Hawkins |
| —Hawkins' suicide note |
| —The LOL WUT pear |
| —Hawkins' suicide note |
| —Ralph Wiggum |
| —Robbie Hawkins |
| —Angry Chef |
[edit] The Rick Murray Connection
Many people may feel inclined, and rightly so, to compare Robert Hawkins to a fictional character by the name of Rick Murray from the popular adolescent drama, Degrassi. Both the actor and The Real Boy bases his fame around a prototype of a killa, as is shown through their chosen style of dress and cool hair. Badass hair. The fictional character, Rick Murray, attempted to shoot up his school but failed. Bob Hawkins, after years of studying the mistakes of his contemporary, managed to nab one million Christmas Shoppers. He consequently won the coveted "I shot a bunch of people and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" award of DOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!
A Video of the Shooting
[edit] Post-Shopper Remorse
[edit] Trivia
Why is online shopping awesome? Allow us to educate you:
- Low Prices
- Free Shipping
- No Traffic
- No Lines
- Low chance of getting shot by emo kids (unless you shop at Amazon.com)
- ??????
- PROFIT!!!!
[edit] An Hero's Gallery
 Weird Al goes apeshit. |
 The true McHero. |
 A rare buoyant moment between Robert and his employer before his firing. |
 Hawkins' suicide note. |
 The first Wikipedia edit before it was locked. |
 Security cam image of what went down IRL. |
 Pwning teddy bears since 12/5/07. |
 An hero: 1, Teddy Bear: 0 |
 "Now I'll be famous..." |
 How do I shot mallrats? |
 Rule 34 style. |
|
 "When I was! Fired from! McDonalds..." |
 Hawkins for the win! |
 Going out "in style" usually involves leather pants. |
 His mentors. |
 In his defense, he did flunk the US Military aptitude test. |
 Scientists do the math on Hawkins' e-penis. |
 At least it wasn't his iPod. |
|
 He was also an literary virtuoso. |
 Suicide note: Family |
 Suicide note: Friends |
|
 Suicide note: Will |
 Suicide note: /b/ |
 I DIDN'T EAT THAT FUCKING SANDWICH |
 McFAIL |
 Not |
 "How ya like me naow?" |
 Ganksta Ganksta |
 Almost Famous |
 "I love you Kira!" (just as planned). |
 Mc An Hero |
[edit] Related Articles
- I DIDN'T EAT THAT FUCKIN SANDWICH OR THE TOILET THING EITHER!
- I FUCKING YOU GUYS
- Jarrad Willis
- Matthew Murray
- Cho Seung-Hui
- Pekka-Eric Auvinen
- Columbine
- An hero
- Emo
[edit] Resources
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Robert Hawkins is part of a series on An Hero. |
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