Romance of the Three Kingdoms
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Romance of the Three Kingdoms is a PC/Console game franchise based on an over 9000-year old novel about a bunch of dumb, unkempt Azns of some historical import conquering, pillaging, forging and breaking pacts, engaging in various devious political intrigues and committing many other acts of general gookery.
This franchise also gave birth to the Dynasty Warriors games and that whole genre of pseudo-army "strategy action" gayness. Thanks alot, you zipperhead bastards.
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[edit] The Plot
The story centers around the sword-fights that took place during the Three Kingdoms Period in Chink history (it's like the Azn /b/-day), around 2nd and 3rd century After Jesus Time (whom they didn't know about: Ancient Azns had some dumb gook (Year N of Emperor Chinky McGee) calendar).
Anywho, the lulz started when Emporer Sulu, fighting a rebellion by the kung-fu master from Kill Bill, got his sister's old man to get together some pipe-hittin' niggers to take care of these faeries. This felicitous band of faggots are the merry trio of Brothers (ie gay): Liu Bei, the incestuous lover of Emporer Chinky (who Dong Zhuo replaced Sulu with), Guan Yu, and the bulldyke Zhang Fei.
So anyways, these zany guys and their Boytaur army go and whoop up on the rebellion. And then Emporer Chinky's brother-in-law, who got the gay army to kill jet-li, get's murdered by the Emperor's own gay army of eunuchs, after which time the original gay trio rebels and starts fuckin' shit up like it's Somalia.
None of this really figures into the gameplay. The premise is pretty much that you woke up screamin' FUCK THE WORLD and are gonna slay a bunch of niggahs and take over ancient chinkland for great justice.
[edit] Gameplay
Honestly, I've seriously invested hundred of hours in this game and I could never figure out what the fuck was going on. I guess like you're moving your army around and trying to take shit over. You can bribe/give gifts or threaten people and do other kinds of pseudo-diplomatic bullshit. It doesn't make a lick of difference. After you play this game for like 30 minutes, there are already like 278 different characters, each with like 10 screens of backstory. Ignore this shit, just know that GET THE CRAZY MATHEMAGICIAN CHINK! He's the best fuckin' general around. Generally speaking, if their portrait looks like a pussy, they probably are. Except if they have a goatee and funny hat, then they're definately win.
[edit] Door Battle
A new gameplay element was introduced in the Playstation installment, Wall of Fire: The innovative door battle mode. In this exciting new mode, you have the opportunity to pick a fight against the undefeatable, indestructable door of a fortress. After a 10 years game-time, the door begins to fight back, proving that this new addition is not without challenge.
[edit] Controversy
[edit] This game is Fucking Stupid and doesn't Make Any Sense
Seriously, go play Starcraft instead.
[edit] Nobody But fikky-fikky Me Ruv You Rong Time Ricers and their Egg Enablers Like This Game
You know I've never seen this game get ANY awards for anything in the states. Yet, they continue to unleash these gigantic piles of shit upon our impressionable shores. Any no matter what high speed system they release it on, it continues to be bogged down by way to much banal, tediously micro-managed bullshit gameplay.
[edit] Trivia
- George Takei is totally a fag
- There is no way to win this game. Just a bunch of hairy, overfed Chinese plunderers show up at your house and raep you.
- A more appropriate titled would have been Romance of the Three Dongs
- This game was first released on the MSX system. Which you only know about if you're some kind of fanboy faggot and actually wanted to play Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake to get the straight dope on snake's faggotry (He looks like Mel Gibson (sadly with no Mullet) in that game! But on a positive note, Gray Fox is -totally- Tom Berringer and Big Boss is Sean Connery with an eye-patch)
[edit] External Links
- The Unfunny Version of This (not that this page is that funny, either)
- George Takei is, in fact, quite fond of the fellahs.
- Three Kingdoms forum. Everyone has long ass gook nicks and talk about Chinese history. Ought to be some easy lulz about.
