Russia

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Image:ED CLEANER 2.jpg This country needs a serious clean up
Somebody should do something about it.
 
“ 		 
"lol pwned"
  		„
 

—Everyone.

Flag of Russia

Russia is very large and cold place somewhere in the Arctics, inhabited by drunken bears firing nukes left, right and center. Now that Russia is an ultra-capitalist semi-democracy, the inhabitants are intrinsically good, freedom-loving, God-fearing people. As part of their good, freedom-loving, God-fearing nature, they attack other countries almost as much as the United States because that's what freedom and God-fearing values are all about.

Contents

Geography

World-famous "Russian Brides" are fun-loving and adventurous.
The loan has been paid. Now we're all friends again.
Russian punk rockers during a concert.
Welcome to the 21st Century Russia.
Typical Russian couple.
In Soviet Russia, the ginger stab you!
Move along, citizens, there is nothing special to see.

East of our other big, inscrutable friend, China, Russia is a big, big place. It's probably the biggest place you will find unless you go to Jewpiter or something like that. Russia is east of the United States and Canada unless you go west. If you go west, Russia is to the west. But we don't really consider it as part of the West because it's east, even though it's also not part of the East because it's west. It's that fucking big. As Sarah Palin knows, Russia is right next to Alaska.

Government

Russia's current president Dmitry Medvedev (your left) with his subordinate Vladimir Putin (your right).

Russia's government consists of:

Duma (parlament):

Religion

The Glory of Putin (more like the glory of poontang, amirite?) is the official religion of Mother Russia.

People

Example of russian humour

The people of Russia are collectively referred to as tundra niggers, and have no real connection to ice niggers, who are full of anti-lulz.

Russian men express love with their fists, and most Russian children are the product of rape and inbreeding. Orphans are also readily available from Russia, as baby factories are set up in Siberia to fuel their child prostitution and pornography industries.When you go to Russia, and you are not Russian, be sure not to smile if you are alone, this is a sign that you wish to have kbs.

Russians speak Russian (Русский язык), which is written in Cyrillic. Their ability to write a simple alphabet that differs from the Roman alphabet gives them a major superiority complex. Never mind the fact that Chinese, Japanese, and Korean are much more complicated writing systems. Their ignorance of their neighbors to the East may be the cause for this fierce sense of superiority.

Russian general knowledge is very good: they know a little bit about virtually everything. Russians have an overwhelming sense of pride in the inefficiencies of Communism. While Soviet Russia was unable to produce a functioning toaster, to the Russians that was okay because they had the bombs. The availability of food is unimportant to the Russian, as he can simply brew vodka in his bathtub and damn do they make it good.

Some favorite pastimes of Russians are drinking vodka, pedophilia, selling organs on the black market, shooting people, standing in bread lines, and killing Chechnyans for their delicious oils. When America does something it is evil; when Russia does the same thing it is glorious!

Due to their god awful history and present situation, the Russian people are a hearty bunch. It is not uncommon to see roving street gangs in Moscow beating up innocent people. Do not fear though, as this is the police.

While it is unusual for heterosexuality to flourish in modern Russia, the occasional straight male tourist will likely be disappointed by the leg hair, mustaches, and overall stench of the women in this bizarre nation.

It may seem a surprise, but Tundra niggers have their own niggers. These are the brother nations from Tadjikistan, Kazakhstan, Azerbajan, Armenia who leave their countries because they love to work for Russian people just for "thank you's". "Thank you" is worth 1 wooden ruble and four internets. Today so many people have moved from those countries that now they actually don't exist at all.


The Russian Army in action!
Typical place for Russian party is common area in high-rise project housing.
Did you know the Russian Army invented hip-hop? Many nigras claim they invented it, however, they are liars.
A typical Russian cartoon for kids of all ages.

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Russians as immigrants

 
“ 		 
forgive english, i am Russia.

i come to study clothing and fashion at American university. i am here little time and i am very hard stress. i am gay also and this very difficult for me, i am very religion person. i never act to be gay with other men before. but after i am in america 6 weeks i am my friend together he is gay also. He was show me American fashion and then we are kiss.

We sex together. I never before now am tell my mother about gay because i am very shame. As i fuck this American boy it is very good to me but also i am feel so guilty. I feel extreme guilty as I begin orgasm. I feel so guilty that I pick up my telephone and call Mother in Russia. I awaken her. It too late for stopping so I am cumming sex. I am very upset and guilty and crying, so I yell her, "I AM CUM FROM SEX" (in Russia). She say what? I say "I AM CUM FROM SEX" and she say you boy, do not marry American girl, and I say "NO I AM CUM FROM SEX WITH MAN, I AM IN ASS, I CUM IN ASS" and my mother very angry me. She not get scared though.

I hang up phone and am very embarrass. My friend also he is very embarrass. I am guilt and feel very stupid. I wonder, why do I gay with man? But I continue because when it spurt it feel very good in American ass.
 

„
 

— a Russian immigrant to America


Notable Russians

Fucking Zangief.

Zangief is one of the most common types of Russians, one who hates whitey.


National hero Nikita Litvinkof explaining how he shaved his balls earlier this morning.
Jura Demidovich on Children Satanic Song Contest — Volshebni Krolik (Magic Rabbit). Etis atis animatis.
Freestyle by typical Russian gangsta Eugene Petrosyan.
Russian genius Anatolij Wassermann explaining how he took it in the ass some time ago.
Russian rising star DickS ("ХуйС").
Drunken Russian clubber.

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Culture

Russians cultivate Multidrug-Ressistant Tuberculosis, mainly within prisons. Other Microbiological Cultures include B. Athracis and Ebolapox.

Government

There is a government, but the Russian mafia or "Brotherhood" (in Russian Bratva/"Братва") is much more interesting and influential. The "Brotherhood" also have much, much more money than the Russian government. If you have any business in Russia (although hopefully you don't), it is much quicker to work directly with the "Brotherhood" rather than through government agencies. It's also cheaper.

In Russia, one needs to know people in power to make things work. You must know someone, who knows someone in power; it is the way to have the things done in Russia.

Typical training of a Russian soldier.

The Ruskies, or Tundra/Commie Niggers, have received a bad reputation due to the cold war. However, Tundra Niggers made extreme advances from a backwards feudal nation to a country more expensive and less sanitated than west nearly overnight and at the cost of only 40 million slave-labourers. During WWII Stalin also managed to mortgage a lot of cannonfodder to the Americans to assrape Der Furher, and then steal both their technology to pride themselves in its glory.

The Brotherhood has replaced the Italian and Sicilian Mafia as the principle ultra-capitalist element in the United States, so USAns can now have the convenience of working for them directly from home. You know that new skyscraper in your nearest big city? Well, they probably own that.

Military

Typical Russian Mounted Infantry

Economy

Zangief, the "Red Cyclone", a hero of the Soviet Union, about to kick the shit out of Ryu.

The Russian economy is principally organized by the Brotherhood. This is very comforting to government and business leaders in Western democracies because it's a familiar system.

If you have problems with your business partners, your "brotherhood" will meet with the other guy's "brotherhood", and they will try to settle your problems through discussion. If they can't get right, they may apply to a "thief in the law" who will take a decision. There also is an official way of settling the problems through a court, but it is less effective. Many businesses prefer to employ commercial departments of police or private security companies, which in reality are just a camouflaged brotherhood aka "bratva".

The accepted currency in Russia currently are the following: American dollars, German cars, vodka, and attractive women. The currency is subject to change.

Russia's only technological breakthrough and main export is the Avtomat Kalashnikova, an aussalt rifle capable of killing Africans even when covered in mud. Other leading exports are cp, pirated mp3s from allofmp3.com, PC Trojans, and internet brides.

 
“ 		 
"I am feeling a spit flying out of my mouth from mouth watering."
  		„
 

—Mayonnaise lover.

Mayonnaise is one of their largest exports as seen here in this video. The commentary alone produces much lulz.

Ye Olde History

A common Soviet propaganda flier of the Cold War era.

At least 100 years ago the Kievskaya Rus' ruled the area. Contrary to popular Russian belief, it was in fact founded by some lost Vikings who were hunting for Tartar women because they liked having red-headed slaves. Vladimir I decided to steal Eastern Orthodoxy from the Byzantines. His reasoning behind doing so was the Jewish God was weak and pitiful, and Islam prohibits vodka, which even classical Russians could simply not resist. Vladimir wanted some Byzantyan chick to be his wife. She was religious, and wanted whole country to be jewerized. He said: "Fuck that(Rus')!". So the Othodoxy came...

The Russian monarchy does not approve.

In the 13th century Genghis Khan’s grandkid invaded and pwned the Kievskaya Rus'. Sweden tried to join the party, but everyone laughed at them because they hadn’t created cellular telephones yet. The Mongols controlled Russia through tribute for at least three hundred years, which is a long time. This is why all the Russian tapestries and picture books from a few centuries ago have the bad guys looking like Guy Sebastian, who all Russians think is ugly. In 1480, Ivan the Great got Moscow organized. By 1480 Western Europe was experiencing a renaissance in art and faith, while the Russians were still stretching their asses open to see how much vodka they could fill it with. Ivan I's grandson, Ivan the Terrible, got the throne when he was three, which explains a lot. He became the first Czar as a teenager and set the my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours precedent for the rest of Russian history. He also set the precedent for invading random obscure little countries, after which he kicked the collective Mongolian ass out of Russia.

Ivan the Terrible was an incredible lolcow. As an 8 year old boy, he was molested by the majority of boyars presiding under him. Hobbies of Ivan included robbing his own subjects, killing animals for fun, and sitting by the fire with a nice book. When Ivan got around to settling down and marrying, he had a Mrs. Russia pageant to look for his waifu. He picked a woman who he called, My heifer. Ivan was a deeply religious man and gay. He himself was the abbot of a little monastic order called the Opprichniki, which would storm churches and have torture and buttsex while preaching Christian values.

Ivan the Terrible hit his son with a metal pole, which was fatal. When asked, Ivan said he "vaz chust doeengk eet for zee lulz". His next son was an idiot who got kicked out by his brother-in-law. Then Poland invaded because Russia forgot about them. Ironically, Russia has never forgotten about them since. Thus Russians can often be heard making snide remarks about Poles and partitioning them into tiny pieces with the Germans, who enjoy them in sausages.

The next poor idiot to hit the Russian throne was Michael Romanov, whose descendants held onto it with an iron fist until the Communists shot them. The Romanov dynasty was uneventful until Peter the Great, who decided to copy the West and forced all the nobles to shave and learn French. He also pwned the Church. Everybody hated him. His grandson was a drunk and let his wife Catherine rule the country. She was called The Great too. This is because Russian historians aren’t very imaginative. They could have called her Catherine the Slut. Anyway, she did all sorts of shit for museums and newspapers and educational stuff. Catherine died at the age of 67 while having sex with a stallion (she was crushed to death by the humongous horse-cock).

Then Napoleon invaded. Russia tends to get invaded a lot. Napoleon was a crazy Frenchman who had at the time conquered most of Europe for the lulz. Alexander 1 did not share his sense of humor. Being a chickenshit he told the army to just keep retreating. This turned out to be a good idea, because by the time Napoleon occupied Moscow somebody had set fire to it. Contrary to popular belief though, Napoleon was defeated during the Russian Summer, not Winter; he invented the winter story so it wouldn't be so humiliating for him. He ran away to take it in the ass at Waterloo.

Rasputin was the single reason for the downfall of the Romanov dynasty. A man who would now represent a pedophiliac Baloo Bear from The Jungle Book, he made the Tsarvich's son Alexi sing "The Bear Necessities" while stroking his erect penis.

Spoilers: Lenin dies.

The Russian revolution shortly followed, as they were homophobes and not impressed by this PETA like behavior by the heir to the throne. It also turns out Alexi was emo and used to cut himself whilst thinking about all the times his father had ignored him over the years.

Meanwhile, all the peasants were serfs and hating it, so they decided to have a Communist Revolution, which was never particularly communist but, to be fair, was a pretty cool revolution. Lenin was the first “communist” leader of Russia. Then he had a heart-attack from eating too many smuggled McDonald's burgers, and everything just went downhill from there. Stalin was a paranoid bitch who had all his enemies shot. Leon Trotsky, his main opposition, died by mysteriously falling brain-first onto an ICE AXE while living in Mexico City. Mexican officials were not at all suspicious. Then he had all his friends shot for good measure. Then, in case he had missed someone, he starved all the Ukrainians to death, which was a good idea because they were going to turn into zombies 60 years before Chernobyl anyway. The KGB NKVD is the organization that did all the shooting because they were the only Russians who could be trusted not to shoot Stalin. The KGB NKVD ended up shooting itself multiple times, including the organization's leader. After a while they decided propaganda was easier than shooting people.

During WW2 Germany attacked Russia intending to to conquer it but got pwned by secret Russian war technique. The entire population of Russia runs at the enemy with no weapons or equipment, the bodies of the fallen eventually stack up so high that a tower of corpses topples onto the enemy, crushing them all. After Russia regained all the territory it lost in the beginning of the war, it rained down on every other country past it's border like a giant wall of drunken rape, raping everything from: children, men, old women, old men, animals, dead bodies, retards, and the occasional woman, that would make even the sickest pervert today blush.

The Cold War

The Cold War began at Yerevan, when Wilson and Churchill became jealous after overhearing Stalin and President of Armenia comparing the size of their wangs. Churchill's and Wilson's wangs being much smaller, because they gave each other blowjobs too much, they felt the need to overcompensate by taking over the Eastern World.

Unfortunately for Stalin, people need to eat in order to work and be content. What Russia was good at was getting into missile pissing matches with the United States and collecting third world nations like Pokemon cards. The super holographic card of the deck was Cuba, which had a rich supply of cigars, sugar and pork sandwiches.

Soviet Russia was very different from the Western World. For example, in California, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the party could always find you. In other ways, they had things in common. For example, the citizens of Soviet Russia were very hateful of Latvians.

Reagan informs Gorbachev that his country has been pwned by the United States.

The USA was jealous of the Soviet Union having control of Russia. To counter this, NATO installed nuclear missiles in Turkey to show Russia who was the boss. Russia attempted to place a large arsenal of nuclear weapons in Cuba, leading to the Cuban Missile Crisis. The US's naval superiority and JFK's stunning good looks quickly put Russia back in its place, safely ending the crisis. And Americans won't really buy any nuke shelters til present day...

The entrance of Ronald Reagan spelled doom for Soviet Russia. With Reagan's super strength, heat vision, and with Bonzo the Supermonkey at his side, the United States would soon become the victor in the Battle of the Cocks, for America's cock was/is biggest of all (approximately the size of Japan...x2).

Gorbachev tried to prevent the United States from conquering the USSR by implementing perestroika and glasnost. Perestroika was an economic reform which consisted of changing the Russian currency to the US dollar and hiring Donald Trump to clean up the business sector of Russia. Unfortunately for Russia, Donald Trump soon left the project in favor of cultivating Paris Hilton's career and filming reality TV shows.

Glasnost was social reform. Some freedom of press was allowed, resulting in angsty teenage poetry being printed in all major newspapers in the U.S.S.R. Prohibition was also enacted since Gorbachev felt that Russians drank too much vodka, not leaving enough for his personal use. This resulted in the Great Vodka Revolt of 1985 in which 1.2 million people died.
Ooh, then it was THAT much????
Prohibition was lifted soon after.

In 1991, the Soviet Union fell after Gorbachev admitted to being quoll furry during a press conference with the Prime Minister of Australia. Disgusted with how godless their country had become, the Russian population revolted against the government and installed democracy. This quickly led to a flood of Tropicana orange juice, Nike sneakers, and heroin into the country.

Sport

A popular pastime in Russia.

Because Russians prefer unsung feats of brutality like Head Stomping and Hammer Killing, they usually only do well in sports with bribe-able judges and hockey. They aren't so good at baseball, football, basketball (except in European league), so there isn't much global significance in sporting there. Even in hockey, they aren't as good as Canada anymore, having become to hockey what Japan is to baseball. Still, they suddenly fucked all the nigger's asses in boxing, crazy barbarian bastards. They also pwn everyone in chess, but no one gives a fuck.

Russian National Anthem

Russia, Russia
Where women look like men
Russia, Russia
Eyebrows FTW
Russia, Russia
Soul crushing and cold
Russia, Russia
We do it if we're told
Russia, Russia
...Vodka.!
Russian Ultra-Nationalist Zhirinovsky's Anti-US 2002 Rant


 
“ 		 
And this slut - Condoleeza Rice. She is a black whore. Who needs a good cock. Send her here, one of our division will make her satisfied...She will choke in Russian Sperm as it will be leaking out of her ears.'
  		„
 

—rcbuchanan

Looks like somebody got Jungle Fever.

Trolling the Russians

Russians love their country. Moar than Amerifags. Here is a short list of things they don't like you doing:

Trolling the Russians, by use of Georgia

Mentioning Georgia is an epic way to troll Russians. Upon showing even one ounce of support for Georgia, you will be immediately flamed by every Russian on the internet and their mother, and cause a huge amount of butthurt and drama. A good place to start is ED's own South Ossetia article's talk page. Showing any sympathy for Georgia and it's plight will get any Russian infuriated, and having them doing their best Khrushchev impression, banging their shoe on their desk and crying out that they will bury you once through with Georgia.

Also, telling Russians that Josef Stalin was Georgian will also cause huge amounts of BAWWWWWing. They will be insulted and damn you to the pits of hell.

Supporting Mikhail Saakashvili will also create huge amounts of drama on Russian forums. Be sure to let them know you think he's a prophet and perhaps one of the best politicians to have ever existed. You will send them into such a rage that they'll probably end up destroying their keyboards in an attempt to respond to you. If they try to say that he's a war criminal, accuse them of being hypocrites, and say that Vladimir Putin is. The amount of drama caused by this tactic is amazing and almost unparalleled; and will be sure to give you lulz for a long time to come.

Warning! This shit works only against some peckfucking patriotic niggers.

So you've decided to troll some Russians? Good for you! Ashi moto has already provided us with some glorious examples of their faggotry.

Russian Roulette

The Russians did it first.

Russian Roulette is was invented by Stalin in an attempt to make tourists feel at home. Typically, it's like musical chairs, except with bullets. Of course it failed because no one did this at home and the Russians soon forgot about it. However Asians soon decided this is exactly the kind of thing that they want to be associated with. And began using it to try and lower their horribly large populations. Russia declined to comment. For extreme fun, make sure there are as many bullets as there are people!


weed is moar fun than a bullet to the brain.

World Opinion

 
“ 		 
The difficulty in understanding the Russian is that we do not take cognizance of the fact that he is not a European, but an Asiatic, and therefore thinks deviously. We can no more understand a Russian than a Chinese or a Japanese, and from what I have seen of them, I have no particular desire to understand them except to ascertain how much lead or iron it takes to kill them. In addition to his other amiable characteristics, the Russian has no regard for human life and they are all out sons-of-bitches, barbarians, and chronic drunks.
  		„
 

—George S. Patton

South Ossetia

Recently Russia owned Georgia via "South Ossetia" and is going to own Abkazia soon although having 7 planes is good for the environment who the fuck defends an ENTIRE country with 7 fucking planes? The Georgians.

Anon in Russia

Because everything in Russia is so fucked up, Russian Anon community consists of all those faggots nornal Anon hates, like:

So as result, being founded on the cancer that is killing /b/, Anon lived amazing 3 years.

Only good thing about whole community is their æ which is caller Lukomorie (Russsian fairy land) which name drives from Lurk moar. Unlike 2ch it's edited by real Anons and contains important knowledge on such an important topics like cam whoring, attention whoring and different Russian ways of trolling (some of which are pretty Lulzworthy)

Things to troll Russians with


A nice little song about Russians and the way we all feel about them.

Gallery

Россия

Russians paying respect to their Grandpas' mass grave.

Most Russian internet brides actually look like this.

Heir of Stalin, the next leader.

Your mom.

The worst best leader of Russia. Who happened to come from Georgia..irony.

Ex-KGB spy and current Russian prime minister makes an appearance in James Bond.

Russian mafia aka братва smuggling vodka.

Russian peacekeepers enforces peace in Georgia.

Glamorous Russian eagle.

Modern Russian anatomy.

Picture of the typical Russian Citizen. Note the large furry eyebrows.

Russians are very religious and cold-proof people.

Russian Jet, Ukrainian pilot, what did you expect?

Young Russians know how to have fun.

Tastier than it looks.

Collecting penises in jars is a traditional Russian hobby.

Tomorrow belongs to me.

What Now?

Our glorious elders.

Moar?

National Service

The Russians getting in on the action.

Russian police.

The only surviving record of Soviet Russia...

Russian revolution.

Russian dickhead.

Unknown to many, L Ron Hubbard is in fact......Stalin.

What happens when they die

External links

See also

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