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Sarah Palin
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Sarah Palin (AKA Caribou Barbie or Sarah Failin) is teh hott running mate of Republican presidential candidate John McCain lol, lost. for the lulz. She's the governor of the Kitchen, a mother of five four, and a total MILF. A former stripper, John McCain discovered her in a sleazy Anchorage gentleman's club while attending a champagne party in the VIP room. She's the hottest piece of ass to ever be involved in presidential politics, except for maybe Ron Paul. Most Everyone who hates her sexy ass hotness are confirmed Fags. Likely batshit insane Christfag candidate in 2012 or once the race riots after Obama's shooting (moose-style) have died down.
The only confirmed difference between Palin's mouth and her vagina is that retarded shit only sometimes comes out her vagina.
| —Sarah Palin |
Aside from the two most important reasons, why did John McCain decide to tap a vice presidential candidate who no one's ever heard of from literally the middle of fucking nowhere? In the wake of Barack Obama's triumph over Hillary Clinton, some Hillary supporters are still resentful over the outcome. All of these angry feminists will now presumably vote for the McCain ticket because Sarah Palin is a woman. And Palin is also a bloody Christfag, so all the evangelicals are excited about her despite her lack of a penis. Most who talk shit about her are disaffected Niggers, Who fuck white women, but hate it when a ho gets in a man's biznatch. She especially excites the males, because she likes the cum inside and wanting to fuck someone is a good reason to vote her President of Vice, finally if she loses is liek if a nigga had raepd a white woman, amirite?
Sara is a pretty cool gal who snipes wolves and doesn't afraid of anything. And yes, probably likes to raep your cute ass.
[edit] Republican's #1 Whore
Republican men like her because she knows when to shut up and take it up the ass and giggles when McCain calls her a cunt.
When asked about being Vice President:
| —[Sarah Palin] Beauty Queen |
It is a fair question, according to the Constitution, The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided. Also they have the responsibility of shooting a lobbyist in the face and going to state funerals.
People say this woman looks like Tina Fey. Is Tina Fey going to have to choke a bitch?
[edit] It takes a team of Mavericks
It takes a team of mavericks has been a phrase forced upon us all by Palin ever since she was chosen to be John McCain's mistress of repetition last Thursday.
[edit] Miss Congeniality
Born February 11th 1964 in Sandpoint, Idaho, this Moose Burger eating, fly fisherman Creationist got her Dyke on early by playing Basketball for her high school given the nickname Sarah Barracuda by the other carpet munchers on her team.
Not satisfied with going down on tall homely girls, she applied to go down on beauty pageant contestants in the Miss Alaska contest. Not having enough Vaseline for her teeth and thigh ass, she won second place, the equivalent of Miss Congeniality. According to her, she displayed her naked body for all to see to get money "for college" - excellent training for a career in politics.
Here's VP MILF in 1984 she was just an ILF (Please, don't FAP to this!):
Rumor is her talent was Eskimo deep-throat.
After many adventures doing pr0n, Palin headed off to Idaho state and got her BA in Journalism officially making every shit ass local news anchorman and wanna be performance artist ready to be a Republican Vice Presidential Candidate. True to her journalist heritage, Palin reads all the newspapers[2].
Somewhere between ass raping chicks and local sports and meteorologist anchors sporting a dynasty haircut, she married a guy who believes that getting onto a snowmobile is an actual sport and popped out four children.
After blowing her way into being on the city council and then the mayor of Wasilla, she missionaried an unsuccessful run for lieutenant governor in 2002. When that didn't work out, she doggy styled her way as chairman of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission and finally gang banged her way into a term for governor of Alaska.
[edit] Palin's "Executive Experience"
Palin has an 80% approval rate in Alaska as governor thus making other governors look palincomparison. The reason? She spends all her time screwing all of her state's 600,000 residents. She quite openly admits to that e.g. in one of her many kthxbai letters.
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[edit] Why Palin?
It's fairly obvious that after going through the vetting process for VP, Palin was the last Republican in America without any skeletons in her closet. Unfortunately, the GOP forgot to pat down Palin's family. After several 'scandals' recently came to light, one McCain strategist said they were "keeping their fingers crossed" in hopes that additional information does not force McCain to revisit the decision. According to this Republican, the McCain team used little more than a Google as part of a rushed effort to review Palin.
Apart from that, the only logical conclusion that can be drawn from Palin's selection is that she fucked her way to the top. The first time McCain and Palin met last Thursday they hit it off and had hot, passionate sex. Whilst blowing McCain she kept stopping right before he was about to blow his load and asking if I can has Vice presidency, McCain finally gave in and shot his warm drippy cum all over her wrinkled fucking face. McCain only used his wife for money and the sex between him and that cunt had worn out. After John McCain gained a craving for the MILF Palin and later he called Palin back and asked her to become his running mate and fuckbudy. Palin was disappointed with the size of McCain's cock but accepted so she could become the vice president. Having dumped his first wife for another woman twenty years his junior, McCain was also falling back on his reliable, tested strategy of using young, attractive women to fulfill his political ambitions.
McDaddy likes what he sees
Palin was also a strategic pick for McCain. Millions of women got behind Hillary Clinton because they wanted to see a woman as president, and Barack Obama crushed her dream. Ironically, because John McCain is going to die from old 2 weeks into his term, if Palin is selected it will destroy Hilary's remaining chances at becoming the first woman president. Still the Clinton supporters don't trust Obama after what happened in the primaries and are still aspiring to get a woman into the White House. Palin gives these women a chance to vote for someone who can represent the interests of women.
McCain nurse maid Tucker Bounds is raped by a member of the fairer sex
Palin is not exactly a fan of the press. Since being picked for the VP, she has given exactly one national interview, under controlled butt hurt conditions. Despite being gently treated by Good morning America Charles Gibson.
Here, in a very casual, straight forward, easy to follow, undefensive, relaxed tone, Sarah proves she is nothing like W. She doesn't even know what the Bush doctrine is (proactive, unilateral, cross border lulzing) so there is no freaking way she will repeat it after God finishes off McCain.
Charles has yet to be seen again, he was lost in a "blizzard of words". Palin deployed the Alaskan national guard along with Balto to look for him. Send him your prayerzzz.
This is an example of Sarah Palin's excellent ability to execute interviews with other people
[edit] Palin's foreign policy experience
Many critics of the Eskimilf point to her utter lack of foreign policy experience, while her supporters will cite the fact that she's governor of the state that's kinda close to Russia. Observe as she eloquently explains why this qualifies her to act as vice president:
| —Katie Couric |
| —Sarah Palin, rhetoric master |
Gentlemen (and ladymen), please note that this video is not a sketch, it was not edited, it is Sarah Palin in her own meandering, tortured, prose. Where as spoken word artist Joseph Budden has a history of shooting his mouth off for decades (like suggesting Hillary would have been a better choice than him), he has piles of bland, neutral platitudes to hide the dumb. With the McCain camp doing all it can to limit her access to reporters (3 interviews as of 9.29.08, though one was on Faux News and it consisted of Hannity eating out her burning bush), Palin's stupid has a way of sticking in between your ears.
Tina Fey recently spoofed this blithering tirade on Saturday Nite Live. Notice the only difference between the two interviews is the inclusion of a laugh track: Couric/Palin interview
Perhaps her youngest son in his current state of duh-velopment could serve as a better, more eloquent voice for the Palin/McCain campaign.
[edit] The campaign gets Coyote Ugly
Since picking the Eskimilf as his running mate, her airheadedness her ties to extremists the Bridge to Nowhere her environmental policy the corruption charges her stance on abortion her bookburning her sucking of Bush's cock everything about her has caused most of America to shit brix en masse at the prospect of her anywhere near the White House. Polls indicate she is the single biggest drag on the McCain campaign, and McCain only now seems to be realizing how big he fucked up.
In a recent interview with McCain and Palin (who makes a point of flashing some leg), McCain gets visibly pissed as Palin begins emitting a high-pitched, inchoate whining from her upper fuck-hole (around 3:40). Regretting his pick much?
[edit] Palin Questions Patriotism Of Her Own Supporters
| —Todd Palin explaining the "heckling" from the "Protesters". |
| —Commentators wincing. |
[edit] Keith Olbermann on Sarah Palin
| — Keith on Sarah's answer |
| — Keith on slogans |
| — Keith on Sarah Palin |
| — Keith grading Sarah Palin |
| — Dumbfuckinstan's beginnings |
[edit] The Elephant Man vetted Palin
| —Adam Brickley on The Colbert Report |
If you think that blogging from your mom's basement is for heroes and fapping to hot chicks is for David Duchovny? Think again. It just might end you up on national television as the man who vetted Sarah Palin.
A 21 year old pizza faced kid with no friends IRL, Adam Brickley, sat in his mom's house and created the apropos handle "ElephantMan" and started the blog Palin For VP. He found Palin after searching for Eskimos, Big Tits and the political love affair was on.
Somehow, Republican party officials, including Fred Barnes and Rush Limbaugh who were also searching for "Eskimos, Big Tits" found Brickley's website and made him King for a Day for the Republican Political Party and Sarah Palin the luckiest Pitbull with Lipstick on.
For all of his hard work and dedication to getting someone with as much experience as he has vetted for Vice President he got a phone call from Ms. Palin. They promised him a reach around and first crack at knocking up their second girl once she turns seventeen.
We all know what you are thinking, internet; "Young, conservative, leiks 2 blogggggg, and a loser, this guy has got to have some sort of speech impediment".
Well pat yourself on the back EDiot, a winner is you.
[edit] Disregard previous, Illuminati Superjews gave us Palin
The biggest mystery about the surprise pick of Palin is how such an imbecile unbelievable sexpot could get selected among the so many other promising candidates ugly lemons who didn't have their daughters knocked up. It turns out that Palin's husband was an employee of BP Oil, which in turn is owned by the Rothschild superjews. And since the senile McCain is expected to start falling apart after being sworn in as President, Palin is expected to play the the Manjewrian candidate.
[edit] Precious snowflake
Despite being a super t-u-f-f bitch in lipstick who is super rdy to take over once Saul kicks the bucket, Palin is not quite prepared to face the awesome Democratic lazor powers of hip hop sensation, Joeseph Biden.
Hip-Hop Battle, ILL SKILLZ
Spreading the news like gefeltafish on a bagel, Jew York times kvetches the following report:
"At the insistence of the McCain campaign, the Oct. 2 debate between the Republican nominee for vice president, Gov. Sarah Palin, and her Democratic rival, Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr., will have shorter question-and-answer segments than those for the presidential nominees, the advisers said. There will also be much less opportunity for free-wheeling, direct exchanges between the running mates.
McCain advisers said they had been concerned that a loose format could leave Ms. Palin, a relatively inexperienced debater, at a disadvantage and largely on the defensive"
Although Palin is a political woar-eror when she has a months in advance, truthy, prepared for her teleprompt scroll that she delivers to a desperate echo chamber, expecting a woman to advocate for herself and her running mate's platform in front of millions of people without help from her handlers is sexism beyond the pale.
[edit] Palin Fails at Smearing
Recently, the Eskimilf tried to revive an old meme about Obama's past and paint him as a dirty terrorist. Something to do with a comet scientist or a newscaster, I DONT KNOE, Im so confused! IT WAS B4 teh internet! She is forgetting that this opens a Pandora's box that leaves her past associations open to debate.
Like the bitch said, the heels are on and the gloves are off.
WARNING: concentrated lib raaaaage from Keith Olbermann has been proven to lower your sperm count and result in random, candy filled abortions. That and LSD. Once abortion is criminalized again in this country, BUT BEFORE THE RAPTURE, stock up on tabs. They feel better than condoms and often cost less if you know the right biker gang! SONS OF ANARCHY!
Olbermann, like a typical elitist, ASSUMES the exiled African woman was not a WITCH employing dark cantrips and consorting with devil snakes, bringing poverty and suffering to the normally prosperous United States of Africa. We need to TEACH TEH CONTRAVERSY when it comes to the real, legit question of witches and the craft of witchery. You can do your part by stalking winged lolis near your local Hot Topic.
Obama responded by saying "I'm sorry, the American people can't hear you over the sound of their life savings being converted into Yaun. I thank Allah 8 times a day he blessed me with you as my opponent's running mate. Keep talking, pig." Joe Buden responded as well by getting wasted and crashing a truck into the Dunder Mifflin Scranton office killing off America's vicarious sweet hearts.
Sarah has been stumping with this new theme, all by herself! after McCain's Joementoum affirming, talking point exchange On Octubary 7th (The highlight, of course, being Tom Brokaw telling both candidates to get the fuck out of the way of his teleprompter. It was the only time the two candidates paid attention to the moderator.) Only time will tell if her thinly-veiled attempts at inciting a good old-fashioned lynching will bear fruit.
[edit] Palin On the Issues
- Abortion: Palin is the perfect candidate for women given her strict stand on abortion and rape, having said she'd force raped girls to carry their rapist's baby to term. Abortion should be a private matter between a woman and her coathanger.
- Corruption: Palin is currently under investigation for using her power to get her sister's ex-husband fired.
- Economy: Moar plz
- Energy: DRILL HERE DRILL NOW
- Environment: Man the Harpoons!
- Family values: "Yes, my teenmommy daughter who I had when I was 17 was raised Christian and participated in True Love Waits. Still, give abstinence-only education a chance."
- Foreign policy: She ran Alaska which is next to Russia
- Global warming: Not caused by people.
- Guns: Palin is a strong supporter of the right to bear arms.
- Homosexuality: Like any good republican foot soldier, Palin stands for protecting the sanctity of traditional marriage against homo unions. This means McCain has to pull out and cum on her face instead of blowing his load in her ass. Also encourages America to pray away the gay (srsly).
- Infrastucture: Still receiving funds for the Bridge to Nowhere.
- Religion: Palin is a professed Christfag and proud Creationist. But don't worry, Christian girls can still take it in the ass and it totally doesn't count.
- Secession: "Absolutely!... Wait, is that camera on?"
- Sex education: Ruh roh!
- Literacy: Palin would solve both the energy crisis and the literacy crisis in one swell foop by burning all the books. Then nobody would have to read.
- Anything not on her note cards: "I would just like to remind everyone that I'm an expert on energy and that John McCain is full of mavericky goodness."
- Any time McCain applauds/condemns/defends something: Do the exact opposite.
- Any impromptu questions from people with cameras: "Sorry, gotta run."
[edit] Hockey mom Sarah Palin boo'd at hockey game
She sure is one of them... she sure connects with people.
Notice how she realized people were booing her at the beginning and then tried to shield herself with her kids.
Update: The Palin Curse The Philadelphia Fliers have lost every game since Palin dropped the puck. Moreover, the second time she tried pulling this stunt she ended up spraining the hip of the St. Louis Blues goalie.
[edit] Family matters
Despite her emphasis on "family values," Palin's own family life is actually pretty fucked up (seriously, what'd you expect when you name your kids with words like Trig, Track, Bristol, Willow and Piper?). Let it suffice to say that Palin's 17-year-old daughter Bristol won't be attending the Purity Ball this year.
I mean...one of them's named after a character on Buffy I'd like to bone.
[edit] Oh Lords Another Crazy Church
Ms. Palin Church that she has attended for the last six years is just like any other god fearing, loving church. Between Child Protection Classes that her kids never went to, and Puppet Workshops, The Wasilla Bible Church also likes to convert fags into fine and upstanding heterosexuals.
Governor Palin's church is KY High putting the good word out about a conference that swears on a stack of sweaty bibles that they can stop guys from fist fucking each other and lesbians to cut out the titty bumping for the rest of their lives through the power of prayer.
For Great Justice to the "Pray Away The Gay" Campaign.
1. Call Wasilla Church at 907-376-2176
2. Tell them you are gay and you want to love again. Cry for maximum effect.
3. If they try to recruit you, be horrified that this is not the Shaved Bear Club
4. ????
5. PROFIT.
Alternatives:
1. Call Wasilla Church.
2. Ask when the puppet class is.
3. Ask them if God loves Wayland Flowers
4. ????
5 PROFIT!
[edit] Retarded (grand?) son
Palin (moar liek "Failin'", amirite?) has been a firmly pro-life politician, including in cases of rape, incest, health of the mother, or birth defect. Then, in a cruel twist of fate, her most recent child (#5) was born with down syndrome, she even knew beforehand and decided to keep it, earning her the undying love of pro-lifers and Christians everywhere.
- Alaska governor accused of covering up teen daughter's pregnancy
- The Anchorage Daily News
- Thursday, March 6th, 2008; 12:02 AM
- JUNEAU -- Gov. Sarah Palin shocked and awed her Capitol colleagues Wednesday when she announced she is expecting her fifth child.
- The governor, who recently turned 44, told a handful of reporters as she was leaving work to expect a new member of the first family, then headed to a reception at the Baranof Hotel to feast on king crab. Palin said she is already about seven months along, with the baby due to arrive in mid-May.
- That the pregnancy is so advanced astonished all who heard the news. The governor, a runner who has always maintained a trim figure, has avoided overt signs of pregnancy. Even close members of her staff said they only learned this week their boss was expecting.
- Palin's daughter Bristol is 16 years old and attends an Anchorage high school. School administrators report that she has been out of school for months, claiming a prolonged case of mono.
See also: Alaskan Governor's daughter may actually be her granddaughter Taken down due to retardation.
The single thing that makes it so that only a fuckshit would believe this is the fact that Bristol would have been 5 months pregnant with another child when giving birth to the first. As most asspies know this is physically impossible and would merely result in the older child choking on his daddies cum.
So Palin apparently either decided she wanted a downy and waited until she was 44 to have her last child, or had a very unlucky teenage daughter with two vaginas, one for each baby. It's quite possible that Sarah Palin is the mother Naww ya think? The older the pregnant woman, the greater the risk of her baby being born with three of chromosome 21, instead of two. When babies have this extra chromosome, they are Downy. Here are the risks:
[edit] What are the maternal age risks for Down syndrome?
Maternal Age_____Risk at birth
15 to 24 years___1 out of 1,300
25 to 29 years___1 out of 1,100
35 years_________1 out of 350
40 years_________1 out of 100
44 (and older)___1 out of 25!!!
Given one out of 25 children born to a 44-year old woman will be a retard, for Palin to decide on having a baby at the age of 44 was just asking for it. Alternatively, incest also increases the chance of the defect, but only DNA testing could confirm whether Bristol's child is the result of relations with her father.
Or if they just admitted it.
[edit] Bristol Palin
Main arctic-le: Bristol Palin
To combat the rumors of her faked pregnancy, Sarah Palin announced that her 17-year old daughter, Bristol really is knocked up, thus proving that all teenage daughters of Republicans are whores. According to Sarah, Bristol will marry the babydaddy or be forced to live out the rest of her life in a brothel in India. Democrats quickly issued a statement saying, "Enjoy your life, whore. Unless you cunt-punch your mom. Then one of us will take pity and adopt you." It is uncertain at this time whether Bristol has agreed to this.
From the AP news wire: "Bristol and the young man (known only as J. Edwards) she will marry are going to realize very quickly the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they will have the love and support of our entire family," they added.
In a desperate grasp at last minute damage control, Sarah pube-licly announced the news about her daughter, proving that abstinence works! It just goes to show that if you sink billions of dollars into telling teenagers not to have sex because it makes Christ cry, you can expect quality results!
| —McCain spokesman Steve Schmidt |
Bold, comforting, experienced, proactive words from the McCain/Palin 2008 "WTF" campaign.
When asked to comment, Michele Obama stated "What a bunch of niggas. Bitch ought to teach her girl to close her huskie legs."
The jury is still out as to whether or not Bristol will spend the rest of her pregnancy in Juneau. Extreme lulz will be had if this second illicit crackbaby also is mega-Downsy. Bristol is scheduled to be Falcon punched one week before the election for the sympathy lulz.
[edit] The Babydaddy
Main arcticle: Levi Johnston
The teenage father, Levi Johnston, is apparently a very responsible young man (despite being half Mexican). It's seldom the case that your teenage daughter gets knocked up by someone you'd actually want her to marry, and young Levi is no exception. Take these fine jewels from his MySpace profile (before he tried to DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING): Just kidding, McCain's the real baby daddy.
He also claims to be "in a relationship," but states,
| —lolz Dude you're fucked for life and you can't even go to a bar. |
[edit] Teh Truth
Unable to tolerate the swirling rumours and falsehoods, Levi, being the Maverick he is, went against GOP orders and spoke to the press last Thursday.
On being held against his will on the campaign trail and forced into a shotgun wedding:
On his unfounded certitude that he will have a son:
On his redneck, child-hating MySpace:
On his education plans:
Like somebody else, Sarah Failin is the reverse Midas! She propagates Abstinence Only and boom, her teen daughter AND herself are in hot water because they can't use a condom. In 2007, she campaigns against Alaska's alarming high-school drop-out rate and boom, her patsy son-in-LOL decides that sitting in classroom and getting straing-A's from brown-nosing teachers is way too hard.
On Obama:
| —LOL, just LOL. |