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From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Deep within the bowels of the Catholic church, which is secretly controlled by the Jews, there is a conspiracy so vile, so utterly evil, so drunk on power and horse semen that until now no one was willing to report on it. This unholy alliance controls, from underground caverns filled with huge supercomputers, a nightmarish global network of pedophiles, basement dwellers, and furries.

[edit] Secret Passageways and Crappers

All of the day-care centers involved had secret tunnels hidden in the restrooms, where more often than not they were clogged with crap and diapers, making it ridiculously hard to transport the poorly-dressed kids. Since they frequently got stuck in the tunnels their captors devised new and interesting ways to torture them. Mostly they just touched the children in inappropriate places and after growing bored of that fondled choice cuts of beef. Pretty much everyone who went into the tunnels died from malnutrition or salmonella.

[edit] The Writing on the Wall

Since Satanists are inept at running global conspiracies, major Christian figures imagined an epidemic of meat-touching and child abuse in the form of unchlorinated swimming pools and made it their duty to inform the public of the horrible things happening right in front of them. They held seminars teaching the police how to identify evil threats such as demons, angsty teens, and fags. Many public funds were used to violate the First Amendment and possibly others as well. Despite their apparent high visibility and inability to hide things from priests, no one ever found any actual Satanists or abused meat. The children were ignored because everyone knows kids make stupid shit up all the time.