Satanist
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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For as long as there have been Christians, there have been those who kinda went the completely opposite direction, and worshipped Satan, as opposed to God, because someone always has to root for the losing team. These "rebels" have come to be known as Satanists. Just like Christians, they're overly defensive about their beliefs, and will bitch about you on their LiveJournals, should you ever cross them.
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[edit] The Origins of Satanism
[edit] Mr. Lucifer
In the begining, God and Satan were BFFs - until Satan eventually grew to old to stay in heaven and refused to get a job smiting the non-believers and other acts of Holy love.
Unlike most of the 40-something basement dwellers who sponge off their parents, God eventually kicked Satan's red, throbbing ass out of heaven after catching him sucking the cock of a catholic priest. The priest wasn't too disappointed with the results.
Since then like all butthurt rejects, Satan has been trying to get this own back on heaven like a teenaged DA Tartlet - whining and complaing about the injustice he suffered. Also like anyone who has an article on ED, he gathers his fans via the internet.
In an attempt to prove they are real free-thinkers while relying on the reality crutch known as religion, people have dismissed Satan's story as being a damned lie and replaced it with their own - Satan was in fact a great mind who was cast out of heaven for daring to question God, thus making him a martyr amoung the sheep known as the Lord's angels.
Whichever version is true, Satan is a known faggot. South Park proved it.
[edit] About Satanism
Satanism is the following of the original emo, Satan. It can be broken down into two major branches:
[edit] Theistic Satanism
Theistic Satanism is the actual religious belief in Satan as a deity. This is the type of shit you already knew about, where the followers often get together to praise Satan, dress in costumes and drink Satan's cockjuice or something. They believe that if they kiss enough ass, they'll actually have a happy and un-tormenting eternal life in Hell, but the truth is, even if Hell existed, Satan would still rape the fuck out of them forever, since it's just how he rolls.
Due to the introduction of the interbutts to the world, Satanists were given a means of chatting with others over things like where to find big plastic horns, yiffing, and how rectal piercings bring you closer to the Devil. Likely to have 10 year olds in it RPing for the lulz
[edit] LaVeyan Satanism
LaVeyan Satanism is less of a belief in a religion, and more an excuse to be a total self-righteous asshole to everyone irl. They use Satan more as a symbol, and as a way of setting ideals. LaVeyan Satanists can be considered Atheists who see life as a measure of how happy you can make yourself and who one day hope to become IRL Demon Lords. LaVeyan Satanists are inclined to indulge rather than set limits. Because of this mentality, most of them are fat, VD-infested drunks who don't ever know wtf they're doing. It was started by Anton LaVey, a former circus carnie.
[edit] Satanic Verses
Satanism: bringing more lulz than Christianity?
| —Random fucktard |
| —Gandalf the Gray, prolly |
| —Nancy Cartwright |
[edit] The Followers
The most common place to find yourself a Satanist, like everything else, is on the internets. There, they spend most of their lives talking to their Goth buddies about how much they hate the rest of the world, and how they're constantly ridiculed for having uncommon beliefs and ideals. However, most of the time, it has absolutely nothing to do with their religion, and more to do with the fact that they look and behave like complete fucktards. They are generally just jaded gawffick kids that want to rebel against their parents. Another popular spot to see them is in cafes, where they will undoubtly be writing shitty poems and drinking enough coffee to rot their cocks from the inside out.
[edit] Pissed-Off Ex-Christians
Undoubtedly brought up as a Fundamentalist who were brought with strict rules about sex and are now making up for lost time. All they need now is someone willing to fuck them.
These are the most likely cadidates for Theistic Satanism because although claiming they have lost their faith, they are still thinking they can get back at God using the religious hardcore routine.
[edit] Atheists
All atheists worship Satan. Some do it simply to anger christians even further by following God arch-enemy. Most worship Richard Dawkins.
[edit] Apperance
Satanists usually buy all of their clothing at their local Hot Topic. Many have fake piercings to match, and make themselves seem tuff. They may or may not wear makeup, boys and girls alike, but if they do, they'll fucking cake it on, making it seem like they're suffering from AIDS or cancer. Unfortunately, for the rest of us, this is not the case.
[edit] The OL Laws of Satanism
- Wear all black, all the time!
- Dye your hair black.
- Paint your fingernails black, and don't repaint them until it has all worn off.
- Stand up for originality and individualism, but look like every other Satanist.
- Complain when others make fun of your outrageous looking clothes.
- Cast curses on the bullies at school.
- If your parents let you, paint your room black.
- Make a Satanic altar using your dresser.
- Use white out to draw inverted pentagrams on your backpack straps.
- Draw more pentagrams on your spiral notebook in math class.
- Make inverted crosses out of random objects.
- Cover your car's bumper with Satanic bumper stickers. Act surprised when they get ripped off.
- Own all of Crowley's books and read exactly none of them.
- Quote Nietzsche obsessively without the faintest idea of what you are talking about.
- Read the Satanic Bible.
- Re-read The Satanic Bible, this time make sure to get past the second page.
- Give up and read Harry Potter books instead.
- Listen to heavy metal.
- Make the sign of the horns and bang your head while listening to heavy metal.
- Make the sign of the horns while looking in the mirror to remind yourself of just how evil you are.
- Use Latin as much as possible. It is the Dark Lord's chosen language.
- Whenever greeting other Satanists, the only acceptable greeting is Ave.
- When feeling especially Satanic say Ave Satanas.
- Pretend Ave Satanas is appropriate Latin.
- Come up with evil sounding screen names for message boards, like goatlord, infernalbelia, or crucifier.
- If you can't come up with an evil enough sounding screen name placing Lord in front of your own name is acceptable.
- End all screen names with 666.
- Complain about real world actions with Satanism but spend all day on message boards.
- Make long boring posts that don't go anywhere.
- When you have a strange dream, it must be significant, write about it in your LJ and spam everyone you can think of.
- Stir up trouble in Christian chat rooms.
- Pretend online curses are intimidating.
- Form an online Satanic org with you and your friends and declare yourself the high priest.
- Give your org a hellish sounding name like The Temple of Unholy Sacrilege, The Evil Church of Satanic Divinity, or, if the name you want is taken, The FIRST Evil Church of Satanic Divinity.
- Give youself a long, evil sounding title like the grand high exalted daemon magister templi rex of the third degree
- Never update your org's site - no exceptions!
- Celebrate all Satanic holidays even if you don't know what they are for.
- Get excited every time your sales receipt comes out to $6.66.
- End all emails with Shemhamphorash.
- If asked what Shemhamphorash means, stare blankly.
- Spell Satan as S8N.
- Always spell vampire with a "Y".
- Own a pet snake.
- If you are allergic to snakes then a black cat is fine too.
- Name your pets after characters from the Inferno.
- Play role-playing games obsessively.
- Start yet another Satanic group in Canada.
- Makes plans to build an actual Satanic church.
- When that does not work out make plans to open an occult book/coffee shop. Or a Starbucks, same thing.
- You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could have been jerking off in a cemetery while worshiping Satan somewhere?! For shame!!!
Due to the introduction of the interbutts to the world, LaVeyan Satanists were given a means of chatting with each other over things like which fast-food joint is best, how to date-rape your cousin, and why Nietzsche and Marilyn Manson are the only people they can relate to.
[edit] Famous Satanists
- L. Ron Hubbard
- Tom Cruise
- Anton LaVey
- Katie Holmes
- David Miscavige
- God TIME PARADOXODARAP EMIT
[edit] Gallery
 He just wants a hug. ;( |
 white kids pretending to be black kids pretending to be Satanic. |
 hi we're cool cuz we're original and stuffs. |
 Hi kids! |
 I'MMA CHARGING MY ETERNAL DAMNATION |
 Not all Satanists take themselves too seriously. |
 Not surprisingly - he's in league with the furries. |
[edit] External links
- Official Church of Satan website
- Satanist runs for Governor, but gets pwnt by no one voting for his crazy ass.
- LaVeyan ElJay community
- Satanist ElJay community
- Satanist forum. Read the welcome message.
[edit] See also
| Satanist is part of a series on Cults. |
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| Satanist is part of a series on Religion
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Deities Prophesies Religious Holidays Religious Icons Fanclubs ArchVillians Key: * represents a Deity or Holiday of Trollianity.
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