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Scientology
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Scientology, also known as "Sollontology" and "ScientLOLORGY", as coined by TV talk show genius Gorgeous George, is the one true religion. It's sympathizers are currently in the works starting a subversive focus group known as the CASR, which stands for "Center for Anonymous-Scientologist Relations". In addition to being an ultra-violent and murderous covert criminal organization, originally founded by the drug-addled, batshit insane, author and professional swindler, L. Ron Hubbard, as a tax shelter, the church eventually evolved into a giant pyramid scheme using material from his published works of science fiction as articles of faith. Towards the end of his life, Hubbard was banned and/or facing criminal charges in so many countries that he was forced to live on a boat in international waters, where he was known for molesting the sons and daughters of his fucktarded crew. Although the church is adamant about their prohibition of alcohol and drugs (including meds for schizophrenics and psychopaths), Hubbard's personal stash of narcotics and psychotropic drugs, and voracious consumption thereof, would put fags like Ripper to shame. Appropriately, he finally bit the big green burrito of death from gobbling down too much Vistoril. Given how stupid you would have to be to think an asshat like Hubbard was your messiah, the adherents of Scientology are primarily retards, Hollywood celebrities, lawyers, and women (and men) who desperately want to be penetrated by Tom Cruise. [3]
Contents |
[edit] Beliefs and Practices
[edit] OTIII - Xenu
OT level III scientologists are finally brainwashed enough to learn the tale of Xenu. Xenu, the galactic tyrant was fed up with the overpopulation of many planets in his galaxy. However, he had a clever plan. With the aid of evil psychiatrists, Xenu drugged and froze hundreds of billions of his citizens for interstellar transport. Xenu ordered the frozen alien bodies to be taken to Earth and thrown into one little volcano and my Overlord got scared and said "your all moving to Teegeeak, that planet with air," So I Whistled a DC8 and when it came near, It had no propellers just rockets in the rear, If anything I could say the brainwashing movie was rare, but I thought "nah forget it" when trapped by Ghostbusters gear," I pulled up to the planet about 7 or 8 million years ago, And yelled to Xenu "Yo ho, Imprison you later," I looked at my Thetans, we were finally there, To haunt us some primates with little body hair.
The cost of reaching OT III is only $360,000. Central to the OTIII mythology is alien past lives, such as being "deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful red-haired girl", being run over by a Martian bishop driving a steamroller (WRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY!), being transformed into an intergalactic walrus which perished after falling out of a flying saucer, and being "a very happy being who strayed to the planet Nostra 23,064,000,000 years ago". All of this was on Wikipedia, so it is guaranteed to be the absolute truth.
[edit] Their term "preclear"
Scientology calls everyone who isn't crazy enough to be a Scifag a "preclear", which basically means the church doesn't have any of their money yet. Scientology claims the way to be come "clear" is to remove engrams (emotional trauma) from their mind using an e-meter, answering lots of personal questions (which is secretly recorded so the church can blackmail someone if they try to leave), and paying out the ass tons and tons of money. Scientology claims that when someone is completely "clear" of thetans they have godlike powers with power levels surpassing those of the barrel roll and falcon punch combined.
[edit] E-Meter Auditing
Scientologists use a rudimentary galvanometer called an E-meter in many aspects of their religion; everything from confession sessions, called "auditing", to auto-erotic asphyxiation. An E-meter acts like a shitty lie detector, shitty in the sense that it doesn't actually do anything. The useless device only emits half a volt of electricity and it takes 12 volts to even penetrate your skin. So, basically, it's a box with a needle that moves back and forth at random. When an auditor asks questions to the "pre-clear" and the needle moves, they say that the little alien in their brain is making up lies for them to recite about their non-existent pre-birth past. Since no one actually knows what happened before their birth, "pre-clears" must learn to lie to themselves. If they can do this, auditors say they have become closer to becoming "operating thetans" (OT), and can better digest the bullshit that some child molester wrote about in his books, such as Xenu and past lives on another planet. In effect, it's just brainwashing aided by a fake lie detector.
[edit] Child Rape
The author of this section believes the facts are funnier than anything we could make up. We apologize for the lack of dick jokes.
An excerpt from one of the secret documents that Anonymous delivered and it shows how batshit insane Scientologist moms are.
| —Official church documents |
TL;DR: another reason to buy a dog.
[edit] Pwning N00bs
Scientologists believe that newborn babies should be wrapped up in cloth and put aside for a week, immediately after they are born, in a practice called "silent birth". According to L Ron, the newly born shouldn't hear anyone talk, be touched, or otherwise tampered with, or else their thetans might get fucked up, or something. Anyway, this has generated controversy as state governments and hospitals usually like to do blood tests and other medical type stuff to make sure that the baby doesn't die. Furthermore, Hubbard recommended that babies should not be breast fed and, instead, prescribed a baby formula derived from barley water, cow's milk (causes malnutrition + diarrhea), and honey (honey gives children under 2 botulism). Despite countless cases of sick and malnourished infants, scientologist parents are still forced to go through with this shit by the church, just like everything else in their lives.
[edit] Space Clams
Scientologists believe in evolution, unlike other religions, however their version of evolution is retarded because it isn't based on anything scientific, and is complete bullshit. Your first clue should be that Hubbard came up with it. As a loving father, L Ron was known to feed his young son Nibs fists full of drugs and ask him questions about past lives on other planets to get material for his books. During one particular session, LRH kept feeding his son amphetamines to the point where Nibs imagined that he was a clam on some distant planet in a past life. He used these experiments for the basis of his theory of evolution in The Descent of Man, ie. the 'Weeper/Boohoo', the clam, etc. Hubbard also thought that human evolution began with the species Piltdown Man which was later proved to be a hoax fossil specimen.
[edit] Hatred for Psychiatry
L Ron was a diagnosed paranoid schiznophrenic. And when he was made aware of his mental state, he begged the Veteran's Administration for treatment. When this request was denied, and L Ron's insanity worsened, he developed a hatred for psychiatry equal to how much Hitler hated the Jews. It is a well known fact that $cientologists are trained to hate psychiatry/psychology, because the shrinks are the ONLY people who can help them.
[edit] Hatred For Kleenex
Kleenex, a common tool of psychiatrists, used when patients have a high rate of "BAAAAAAAW," is officially outlawed by all Scientologists. Alternatively, scientologists will be seen using sandpaper, pinecones, or saran wrap as "healthy, Dianetics approved" alternatives. LOLWUT?
[edit] Free Zone Scientology
The Free Zone are multiple groups of unaffiliated practioners of Scientology who are independent of the Church of Scientology. They are hated and often sued for copyright enfringement by the CoS; they in turn beleive that the CoS has become corrupted. They are the $cientologist's equivalent of a Protestant.
[edit] The History of Scientology
And of course, since this comes straight from the Horse's mouth, this has to be True!!!
Recently someone from albinoblacksheep, normally the home of newfags, made this video about scientology which is actually decent. It isn't on JewTube so just click the fucking link, you pricks:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/scientolulz
Newgrounds version:
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/423640
[edit] Members
[edit] Church officials
- L. Ron Hubbard (willfully discarded his own body in 1986, but he did not die and still exists)
- Mary Sue Hubbard (deceased 2002)
- David Miscavige (holy shit, this guy is completely fucking insane!)
- Tom Cruise (rumored to be Miscavige's number 2 man, thinks he's Scifag Jesus) Tom has ordered at least 12 people to be murdered by Church covert operatives, (including FBI agents) to prevent them from exposing his involvement in Scientology's violent criminal activities. And in Satanism.
- Mark Rathbun (M.I.A., removed from church web pages September 2005)
- Heber Jentzsch (Gay, removed from church web pages September 2007)
- Leisa Goodman (Scientology International Human Rights Director, may or may not know about Xenu).
- Stan Marsh (toted as L. Ron Hubbard reborn. Kicked out for admitting Scientology is fake)
- Ronnie Miscavige, who for a time was also in the Sea Organization but who is now in the real estate business as Managing Broker of the Williamsburg Virginia office of Long & Foster Real Estate [4], and left the Church of Scientology in 2000.
[edit] Sea Org[y]
If you are completely and fully suckered in, you can join an elite sector of Scientologists called the Sea Org, which stands for "Sea Organization". This arm of the "Church" was dreamed up by Hubbard in the mid-60's because he was (a) really drunk/doped out of his mind most of the time, (b) because he felt butthurt by the real U.S. Navy, who refused to give him ill-gotten glory and fame, so he made a toy navy of some real piece of shit ships, and (c) he was a wanted criminal in at least 100 countries, and international waters was the only place he could go without risking arrest.
When you join the Sea Org, you must sign a contract that binds you to the Scientology religion, the Sea Org and L. Ron Hubbard for a billion years, pledging to "come back" in all your reincarnations to serve him for that time. In exchange you get some really nifty things... You get about $16 a week in pay, your personal I.D. taken from you and locked away so you can't jump ship, you get to do demeaning and degrading physical labor, and you give the Church tacit permission to put you in the "RPF" (Rehabilitation Project Force) which is a punishment gulag that will make you beg, whine, and plead like a little bitch for that degrading regular labor back. You may even find yourself locked in a ship's chain locker if at sea, or in the basement of the Ft. Harrison Hotel with all that healthy asbestos. The RPF makes Gitmo Bay look like Club Med.But wait there is more to this story, dipshits who join this group suffer from low self esteem and have always wanted to be beaten into submission, gang fucked,and used as cum dumpsters.Unfortanatley for them life in the sea org does not include anything that pleasant
In an interesting side note, while the crew of the Sea Org were sweating and toiling at sea on the Apollo, Hubbard's Sea Org flagship, Hubbard himself surrounded himself with nubile, blonde, 16 year old girls in hot pants and halter tops that he dubbed the "Commodore's Messenger Organization" or "CMO". He did this because running Scientology was serious fucking business and he was totally not gay. Sadly, for him, he was also impotent.
[edit] Commodore Hubbard and his Fantastic Asbestos Navy
In a lulzworthy recent event, the Freewinds, the grand flagship of Hubbard's various flotilla has been apprehended and put in quarantine due to the fact that it was chock full of motherfucking blue asbestos, the most rare and lethal kind. Anonymous has since christened the ship the S.S. FAILBOAT and made demands for "more asbestos!" An incredulous Tom Cruise was saddened by the news, as his boyhood dream of living at sea has been vanquished, since international waters is the only place left he could legally engage in his extreme faggot lifestyle. With no luxury cruise liner to operate out of, the antics of the SeaOrg have been drydocked, leaving little place for its fine Sea Men to go.
[edit] List of Scientologist celebrities
- Tom Cruise, barely bisexual uber-actor (ask him about Aleister Crowley, or the Cloak of Darkness)
- Kirstie Alley, fat
- Beck, musician, raised Scientologist (easily confused, has no clue what Scientology really is, subtly hints possible dislike toward the church in lyrics)
- Sonny Bono, mind permanently vaporized by the '70s, which is why he ran into a tree!
- Chick Corea, shit jazz musician and allegedly OT VIII!
- Jenna Elfman, crazy bitch quote, "AIDS is a state of mind, not a disease"
- Errol Flynn, Actor and assisted Hubbard with gold and cocaine smuggling [5]
- Doug E. Fresh, crapstatic hip-hop musician
- Paul Haggis, director of Crash
- Marc Anthony, singer, Skeletor
- Leah Remini, King of Queens / Saved By The Bell
- Isaac Hayes, former chef and alleged nigra.
- Jason Lee, actor (ask him about Xenu and he might try to make you disappear)
- Juliette Lewis, actress
- Charles Manson (however, he left the church after dismissing it as "too crazy"hyyyyyyyyyyyperlink) He also kept an e-meter at his "family's" ranch, likely for fucking as shown on /b/.
- Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson
- Christopher Masterson, actor
- Danny Masterson, actor, dj, wanna-be cokehead (if you troll him on MySpace he might freak out)
- John Travolta, assumed homosexual pilot/actor. If you bump the average score of Battlefield Earth on IMDB.com Travolta might land his blimp or five airplanes at your house.
- Greta Van Susteren, host of On the Record with Greta Van Susteren on Fox News
- William S. Burroughs [6] author, Beat Generation icon (later denounced Scientology)
- Van Morrison, singer, songwriter (renounced Scientology in the 1980s)
- David Nelson (musician), [7], musician
- Lou Rawls, singer
- Giovanni Ribisi, actor
- Kate Cebrano, shit Australian former pop singer who won Australian dancing with the stars. Fat old has-been whore (Narconon Australia endorsement her donations were used to buy this dump to be the new 'Ideal Org' in Melbourne).Narconon propaganda found in Melbourne Uni! Studyfags - keep an eyeout!
- Christopher Reeve: actor, superman, time traveler [8] (would later denounce L Ron Hubbard and Scientology as being "insane crooks")
- Jerry Seinfeld , comedian ("took a couple courses a number of years ago...")
- Ethan Suplee, fat actor from clerks and my name is earl [9]
- Billy Sheehan, legendary bassist who's been a sci-fag since 1971
- Laura Prepon, who played Donna on That 70's show, and became one after getting it in the ass off stage from Scifag, Danny Masterson.
- Your dead freind that no one cares about
[edit] Unconfirmed $cientologists
- Will Smith has recently been linked to the Church; Smith has since denied such allegations, citing that, "you don't have to be Jewish to be a friend of Steven Spielberg. You don't have to be a Muslim to be a friend of Muhammad Ali. And you don't have to be a Scientologist to be a friend of Tom Cruise." It is well-known, however, that Co$ (and possibly Jews) have embarked on a sinister campaign to convert Will Smith and his wife in order to connect with the black community. (Also you don't have to be gay to hang out with Will Smith, BUT IT HELPS!!) denial here
- Jennifier Lopez *Jello*, her father has been a $cientologist for over 20 years and most people make fun of J.LO because she hangs out with Tom Cruise, is batshit insane, and is known to practice voodoo on her enemies. [10]
- JJ Abrams, assumed former Scientologist, and creator of Lost
- Ethan Rom [11], William Mapother [12], this guy IRL is Tom Cruise's cousin.
- 2/3 of the Lemon Party
- Vivian Kubrick, Stanley Kubrick's daughter !?(What the FUCK!!?)[13]
- Neil Gaiman , whose father is high in the food chain in the UK. (srsly!)
- Prime Number Shitting Bear
- Goatse
[edit] Jack Parsons; the grandfather of Scientology
Jack Parsons was an avid practitioner of the occult arts, forefather of CoS, and a follower of Thelema. He saw no contradiction between his scientific and magical pursuits: before each rocket test launch, Parsons would invoke the god Pan for lulz. He was chosen by Aleister Crowley to lead Agape Lodge, the Thelemic O.T.O. in California in 1942 after Crowley expelled Wilfred Smith from the position.
Sarah Elizabeth Northrup (aka 'Betty'), began living with Parsons after his wife, Sarah's half-sister Helen Northrup, left with Wilfred Smith (no relation to Will Smith). Sarah Elizabeth Northrup later married (top secret) L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of "The Church of Scientology" and sometime magickal partner of Parsons. Parsons and Hubbard participated in a ritual known as the Babalon Working which is famous in occult circles — loosely, it was an attempt to summon a living goddess and change the course of history (according to TOW [14]).
In January of 1946, Parsons, Betty, and Hubbard started a boat dealing company named Allied Enterprises. Parsons put in a large sum of approximately $21,000—Hubbard put in $1,200, and Betty nothing. Hubbard eventually abandoned Parsons and their business plans, leaving a port in Florida with the boat and Betty. It is said Parsons retreated to his hotel room and summoned a typhoon in retribution. Legend or not, Hubbard and the ship were washed ashore in a freak storm the same day. A Florida court later dissolved the poorly contracted business, ordered repayment of debts to Parsons and awarded ownership of the boat to Hubbard.
The Hubbard/Allied relationship lasted until 1947, when Hubbard defrauded Parsons of a sum of money and ran off with Sarah Northrup. Hubbard used much of this money from Allied Enterprises to promulgate and publish his book Dianetics, which later evolved into and was superseded by Scientology.
[edit] LRH's Gay Son
Quentin Hubbard (6 January 1954 – 12 November 1976), was the ghey son of L. Ron Hubbard and wife turned convict Mary Sue Hubbard. Quentin (or Queenu as he was known to his friends) had been groomed by his father to take over the organization, although Quentin preferred to take it in the ass. Quentin was discovered by police October 28, 1976, unconscious from an apparent suicide attempt and died two weeks later. However, in reality, he was murdered by followers of LRH who were super extra sensitive about anything ghey related, and jockeying for position for after L Ron eventually pwned himself with jenkem
"According to him and my mother, he tried to do it with me. I was born at six and a half months and weighed two pounds, two ounces. I mean, I wasn’t born: this is what came out as a result of their attempt to abort me. It happened during a night of partying , he got involved in trying to do a black-magic number. Also, I’ve got to complete this by saying that he thought of himself as the Beast 666 incarnate." - Actual IRL quote from Junior. HE IS A FUCKING FAILED ABORTION! LULZ
[edit] IRL Faggotry
[edit] Lisa McPherson
In 1995, Scientologist Lisa McPherson died under mysterious circumstances under the care of fellow Scientologists. Two months after celebrating "clear" status, Lisa was involved in a minor auto accident before pulling off her clothes and walking down the street naked saying, "I need help." When Lisa was taken to a local emergency room several Scientologists showed up and forced the obviously disturbed woman back to their headquarters at Fort Harrison. Instead of giving the woman proper medical care, Lisa was locked in a room alone and monitored 24/7 by Scifags. There, she didn't eat any food or drink any water, and was drawing with her own feces and beating on the walls until her death 17 days later. We know all of this because the Scifags kept detailed notes of everything that went on. On day 17, the Scientologists finally decided to take her to the hospital because she was obviously dying. However, they drove past the local hospital to take her to a Scientologist doctor miles away. They did this so the doctor could make a fake report (they even got her date of birth wrong) to keep the scifags out of trouble. The autopsy noted that she was completely devoid of liquid at the time of death and there were numerous cockroach bites on her face.
However, this wasn't the first death at Fort Harrison to be surrounded by mysterious circumstances. Other strange incidents included[15]:
-- 1980 Suicide: The woman suffered from depression, but was not permitted to take any medication for it.
-- 1980 A puzzling death in a bathtub full of boiling hot water. Supposedly drowning, but the victim's head was above water.
-- 1988 Death by drowning. Unexplained circumstances, accident, murder or suicide.
-- 1989 Death in the basement near the boilers, carbon monoxide poisoning.
-- 1988 Death in room 758. The victim: a 31 year old German man.
[edit] Fair Game
As Hubbard became increasing paranoid while admiral of his cockboat, he instituted a new policy for Scientologists in an effort to fight the many enemies he imagined were after him. This policy declared all suppressive persons (SP's), which basically means anyone who isn't a Scifag, "Fair Game"[16].
| —L Ron Hubbard on "ethics" |
Fair Game policy says that Scientologists are required by their religion to IRL troll on anyone who might pose a threat. This, combined with their mantra of "always attack, never defend", means aggressive litigation, libel, surprise sechs, and other faggotry, for anyone who stands in their way.
[edit] Operation Snow White
By the 70's, the church's good deeds were well known around the world and many countries were keeping tabs on the Scifags activities. Hubbard, ever paranoid, got the brilliant idea to sue everyone ever in an attempt to clear government records of Scientology, and bring charges of genocide against psychiatrists and other CoS critics. These projects became known collectively as Operation Snow White. When these attempts to improve their image failed, the Church decided to play IRL Splinter Cell and used covert ops to remove documents from the FBI, the US Treasury Department, Interpol and other government agencies. But this was also fail, and in 1979, 11 high ranking CoS members, including L Ron's wife Mary Sue, were found guilty of burglary and theft of government property. In the end, Hubbards attempts to clear the church's name only lead to even more investigations and government raids.
[edit] Battlefield Earth
The Scifags have committed many crimes against humanity over the years, but the worst probably has to be the crapfest of a "movie" that is Battlefield Earth. In 2000, Fageologist fanbois discovered a new book of Scientology, written at least 100 years ago by Hubby during one of his drug induced stupors, and decided to make an epic failure of movie out of it. The story is a prophecy of how Xenu will return to Earth, generally fuck everything up, and enslave all of humanity to harvest vespene gas. In the end, some faggot slave finds an old military plane, which couldn't fight off the aliens when they first showed up, and proceeded to blow the fuck out of all the aliens with it, thus saving the day. The moral of the story: Store planes in caves.
Trying to watch this film is like trying to read cursive from a cerebral palsy sufferer. But much like laughing at people who suffer from severe mental disease, laughing at John Travolta's existence and stupid blimp-sized head is just as fun--even if it's a film that lasts longer than drying paint. Note also that this movie ENDED the comeback John Travolta was given due to his part in Pulp Fiction. Nowadays he can't even get a cameo in an infomercial. (Granted, John Travolta's lack of film prospects is all Xenu's fault.)
| —Jonathan Ross, Movie critic, being generous |
However if you MUST see this film, it can be turned into a lulzfest by getting drunk and watching it alongside the Rifftrax commentary. If you're too cheap to buy the track and pirate the movie, get them both here
[edit] OTI Faggotry
[edit] EarthLink $cientology Drama
It has been charged by most EDiot researchers of the $cam Church of Scientology that EarthLink is a front organization for Scientology. According to skeptictank.org:
- Numerous individuals who have worked for this cult front company in the past have come forward to describe the fact that EarthLink's help desk's employees are ordered to claim that the Scientology crime syndicate doesn't own and run EarthLink.NET. (See comments by ex-employees of EarthLink.net on The Skeptic Tank's web site [17]) The fact is, the security of one's e-mail which flows through these two companies is highly suspect and users who subscribe to either of these services should consider very carefully the history of the Scientology crime syndicate. In 1998, the weekly San Jose Metro ran an article called "Missing Links", examining the Scientology-EarthLink controversy:Electronic free-speech advocates are concerned about the Scientology leanings of EarthLink founder Sky Dayton and the church's history of litigation over copyright infringements on the internets;... Dayton is a vocal follower of the Church of $camientology who in the early days surrounded himself with upper management and private financiers who were also $cientologists;... As the company has grown, EarthLink executives have tried to distance the company from its Scientology roots, and for good reason. Unlike other religions, Scientology has earned a reputation for dragging ISPs into court for alleged copyright violations committed by private subscribers, something which electronic-privacy advocates believe could erode free discourse on the Net [[18]]. Dayton and his two financial backers are Scientologists. When this fact created controversy in the media, Dayton asserted that the idea that EarthLink was owned by the Church of Scientology was absurd, making the comparison, "It was like I'm Jewish, therefore EarthLink was involved with 9/11."
[edit] Battle with YTMND
Several YTMNDs have made a mockery of this totally real and not fictitious religion and legal representatives from the Church of Scientology officially stated,
| — |
People at the site make a big deal about it, however noone really cares because YTMND is just as lame as the Scifags ever were.
- Unfunny truth about Scientology
- Sequal of Unfunny Truth
- Third part of Unfunny Truth. Now about Isaac Hayes
[edit] Xenu strikes back: Dead or Alive!
The COS is not scared of you, they have a puppet regime.
Basement dweller search engine Digg, provided a link to a story/press release from the pro COS created organization Religious Freedom Watch. The site is a statement from the organization offers a "$5,000 reward for information leading to the identification and criminal or civil prosecution of persons making threats against RFW and/or persons associated with it. The threats have come from a person or persons using the monikers of ElBaldo, Eggshell White, Advocate of Painful Death or similar names." The link has been taken down, possibly for great justice. Using thair Computer Science III, some of the diggers have provided a google cache to the story. The story includes a list of Ip addresses. Possibly from the good Korea.
Troll bounty hunters are welcome to contact reward5000@earthlink.net.
[edit] Scientology in my tubes?
As of recently the church of satanology decided to buy youtube to promote its religion through fascist propaganda on the site. In order to "Tell us the facts" they have embeded pay per click ads for great justice. Clicking on these links multiple times results in massive amounts of win and profit. The cocksuckers at JewTube decided to make Scientology undeservingly a YouTube Partner and are constantly putting their crap under 'promoted videos'. We should boycott or something.
[edit] DDoS-proof hosting?
The CoS website is hosted by Prolexic. They are not exactly happy about it either, because they base their reputation on reliability, and CoS is a huge bullseye.
[edit] Site Changes
Late March, Scientology.org was switched from its standard view that was DDOSed, to a Video Site (like jewtube) which is currently hosting over 85+ videos.
[edit] Document Leak
Operating Thetan (OT) documents of the Church of Scientology were leaked via Wikileaks. Although some portions of the manual have been leaked previously, this is believed to be the first time the full unedited version has become publicly available.
The 612-page manual for Scientologists written by L. Ron Hubbard contains instructions for the eight different Operating Thetan levels including 'clear' and OT8. Hubbard himself claims to have smuggled out his own 'OT8' instructions for the "elite" Scientologists.
To quote that fatass, "I am breaking security as I disagree that this should only be released to an elite in Scientology. I do, however, ask it not be released to psyches or 'squirrels' or anyone who will break the Independent Security Network and allow it to get back to the Church of Scientology. It would be best if they do not find out that we have it. Please treat this data responsibly. It is the key to the only truth possible," said Hubbard in regards to his 'OT8' instructions.
Site is here: http://wikileaks.org/wiki/Church_of_Scientology's_'Operating_Thetan'_documents_leaked_online
[edit] $cientology = Prostitution Ring = NAZIS?!
An AIDS-carrying $cientologist named Zack Attack has recently implied that not only is he a fag for liking Tom Cruise and his cock a little too much, but also that Scientology is nothing but a whore ring after he attempted to silence Anonymous with promises of sex with fugly fat cunt-scifaggots. You can find it here. This, of course, didn't work because noone would have sex with them because their stretch mark plagued fat collapsed in on their vaginas at least 100 years ago. Some argue that they would fuck these tuna-smelling cunts in the pooper if they didn't have gigantic, big-as-my-fuckin'- torso asses filled with shit they can't shit out. He also admits that Scientologists are Nazis that LURVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THEIR PARENTS V. MUCH!!!!! Despite the fact that they're sick fucks for participating in incest, the fact that they're Nazis is just batshit crazy because all Scifags are Jews. Besides having a megavirus called sypiaids, they're also emofags that hate themselves for being Jews while being Nazis. It is a proven fact that they joined Scientology because they need self-help auditing sessions because they hate themselves but are too pussy to become an hero and make everyone happy. They should just kill themselves because noone loves them, lol amirite?
Feel free to spam the Scifag here. baleeted
[edit] Trolling
Warning: Agitated Scientologists have been known to assault people whom they even suspect of being "bigoted" towards their religion.
Trolling Note: Scientologists are inherently tied to Godwin's Law and will compare you to the Nazis within a few posts, skipping the formal 6 page thread pre-Nazi argument.
[edit] Fun with the mail
1. The next time you go to Safeway or another large supermarket, head for the magazine aisle. There are usually 8 or 9 subscription postcards on the floor, which have fallen from various magazines. Pick them all up and take them home. It doesn't matter which magazines they are from, but it's extra lulzy if one is Psychology Today.
2. Then, fill them all out with names like Ron Hubbard, Xenu Hubbard, Ron Xenu, David Xenu Miscavige. Bonus lulz and epic win points for using Sara Northrup or Mary Sue Hubbard for subscriptions to women's magazines, as these were two of the IRL wives of LRH. Give the address of your local "Church" of Scientology. Always go for the two-year plans, choose free gifts when offered, etc. Car and Driver, Tiger Beat, Seventeen, Guns & Ammo, High Times, Model Airplane Builder, they're all good. Especially lulzy choices: Soldier of Fortune (this adds the victim to right wing gun nut mailing lists); High Times (this adds the the victim to left wing hemp-legalization mailing lists) and Architectural Digest (because the subscription is so painfully expensive...and it adds the victim to a few other artsy fartsy mailing lists.)
3. You can also have some of these names give "gift" subscriptions to the others. So, for example, Ron Hubbard at the Los Angeles "Church" address, can sign up for two years of Cat Fancy, and give two years of it as a gift to his pal Dave Miscavige in San Francisco! "Bill me later!" Lulz me now!
Now, you will probably not get to personally see the havoc you will cause, but you can certainly imagine these serious Scientologists trying to clear up these misunderstandings with the magazine companies, who will soon begin to send angrier and angrier form letters to the "Church," in addition to several issues of the magazines. Normal people, of course, would ignore the whole situation, but the Scientologists will waste limitless, countless hours on the phone, showing up in person, etc. trying to fix it (aka, "Handle", with a rough situation for them being called a "flap". Stir enough shit and you create a HUGE "flap". A massive flap is known as a "Hill 10"), spelling out all the subscriber names, magazine titles, etc. It will be incredibly and unrelentingly futile and infuriating for them. Therein lies your joy.
All magazine subscriptions (in the USA) are processed through contractor companies based for some reason mostly in Iowa. The editorial offices in New York won't have the faintest idea of what to do. The subscription offices in Iowa employ retired, half-sane, half-blind old people and people who got fired from Goodwill to sort the hundreds of thousands of postcards and do data entry. It will simply not be fixable.
- Repeat this procedure every time you go to the supermarket, bookstore, library, etc.
- Don't try doing this through online subscriptions. Interestingly, a "paper" trail now also means that it is "untraceable".
- Obviously, don't mention the CoS on the subscription card.
- The correct format will be something like this:
Ronaldo Del Hubbardella Teegeacko
701 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, CA 94101
Bonus: Got any official business with the church but can't afford the postage? Well, just save this image, print it on the back of anything you've got laying around (envelopes, card stock, used condoms) and toss it in the mail. The church will be happy to cover the 41 cents in postage and 70 cents in special handling fees for each message you send along.
[edit] Moar Trolling
- Call 1-800-334-LIFE and ask for David Miscavige or Lord Xenu. Basically, if you call or contact asking for Suri Cruise, remember these volcano fearing people are serious business. Caller ID block has no effect on toll free numbers because they use Automatic number identification so you need to use a pay phone.
- If you came across a Scientologist video, first download it with keepvid.com to avoid deleting.
- If you are feeling ballsy ask why there is a volcano on the cover of Dianetics. You should know the answer and tell them about Xenu and the bombs. They will flip out.
- The Scientologists have established a center across the street from the University of Texas in order to prey on the weak. Their phone number is 512-474-6631. You should call them and ask about Operation Snow White, Lord Xenu, or some combination thereof, then giggle and hang up. if you choose to stay on the line, they will ask for your name and number. If you fall for this you should become an hero Feel free to Rick Roll their phone with Prank Dialer.
- Also, conference call multiple CoS's, with yourself on mute. When they realize that it's a prank and hang up, repeat at least 100 times. Lulz ensue.
- Remember after you have contacted, the others will begin to not pick up or answer. Instead, they will leave an answer machine on. Lulz will continue to ensue, once you realize they will disconnect the answering machines once you say anything about "Xenu" or Aleister Crowley, etc. For best results when they answer, ask the person that picks up if they are "clear". Most likely at some point they will ask for your name, or ask if you exist. Yes, they will actually ask, "Do you exist?" / "What crimes have you done?", and so on.
- When they ask "What crimes have you done?" or a similar question, quote the Hacker's Manifesto: "Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like. My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for."
![Be sure to ask them why there is a Volcano on the cover of Dianetics [2]](/Image:Xenu-1.jpg)
- The best way to troll an individual Scientologist, is to talk openly and loudly about the Xenu Story. This information is not revealed to a Scientologist until they reach the level of OT III (incident 2) and only after they have paid upwards of $360,000 USD. The Church of Scientology, not wishing people to realize what a huge joke the Xenu story is, thus "blowing their Org" (leaving the Church quickly and without warning) and taking that ever-delicious cash with them, warn Scientologists that hearing about Xenu before they are "prepared" (read: sufficiently brainwashed and have made with the long green) to hear it will give them pneumonia and possibly make them die. Many public Scientologists have not reached OT III due to the high cost, and despite pressure from the Church to give up things like food, shelter, electricity and possibly selling an organ or two to reach this lofty level, this increases the chance that you will be able to "enturbulate" ("piss off") an active Scientologist increases exponentially, as does the chance of lulz.
- To troll Scientologists en masse IRL is very simple. Just go to one of their "Orgs" (their word for "Church" or "Mission") and carry a lot of cameras. Hang around and take plenty of pictures, even if there is no film in the cameras, gawk at the gagglefuck of Scienos going to and from the Org and generally stand out. You will soon be surrounded by Scientology security goons, who will harass you and tell you to fuck off, even though you are on public property. If you refuse, they will get very cross with you and speak endlessly into their walkie talkies. Scientologists will emerge from inside the Org, armed with video cameras and take YOUR picture, get extremely agitated, ask you what your "crimes" are and generally be asshats. For epic win, wait around til the cops they called show up and blame everything on the Scienos being paranoid, militaristic bastards.
- For ultimate lulz, if you are unfortunate enough to live in Los Angeles, drive your car to L. Ron Hubbard Way (yes, this really exists), which sits between their international headquarters and the the barracks where they rape new recruits. Make sure that you remove your license plates before doing this as they will have numerous cameras trained on you. Roll your windows down and bump your phat beats, then slow down or stop for a moment,
rev your engine up high and dump the clutch - or, if you have an automatic, put it into "N," hit the gas, and then when it's revving, pop it back into "D." You will do what is called a "rolling burnout" on the red brick road.drive a real RWD vehicle and do the best burnout you can. Numerous Scientologists will look on in abject horror as two long, black lines are left in your wake. Tire marks are a serious pain in the ass to get out of red brick and they'll mar the sacred L. Ron Hubbard Way for weeks, until LA's "public works" finally gets around to it, or they force new victims to scrub it by hand.
- There is a beautifully subtle and pernicious way of screwing up the brains of an Agitated Scientologist; Listed below are things you can say to a Scientologist that would instantly stop them in their tracks and cause them to think. Sorry, each is written in the dialect of crazy fucking moon language that the Scientologists speak in, so memorize them carefully.
- "No one has the right to sell you Scientology. It belongs to the entire human race".
- "Where have all the millions of trained auditors gone?. Ask RTC."
- "The Religious Technology Center is squirreling Hubbard's books. Compare recent and earlier editions"
- "David Miscavige murdered L. Ron Hubbard"
- "The SP is right in front of you: David Miscavige".
- "If it weren't for the Religious Technology Center, you'd be OT by now.
- Will you make it this lifetime? Not if RTC has anything to say about it".
- "PR can't hide the Truth anymore. RTC is destroying Scientology."
- "It's your next endless trillions of years. Are you going to let RTC doom you?"
- "The work was free, keep it so ..."
- "The entire bridge is on the Internet. You don't have to pay anyone for it"
- "Scientology. The rich person's religion."
- "Only the idle rich can afford Scientology".
- "90% of your contributions are going toward legal fees. Outpoint?"
These may sound like gibberish, but saying them to a Scientologist is akin to Martin Luther nailing his 95 Theses onto the door of a Catholic Church and starting the Reformation. And a good, hearty Scientologist-vs.-Scientologist holy war would be an endless sea of lulz! Since criticizing / discussing Scientology is considered "Verbal Tech" (and thus forbidden), what's more likely to happen is that any Scientologist with enough of their brains intact will either blow after a few minutes of thought, or run like the wind as soon as he gets sent to Ethics for daring to question the Church.
[edit] Trolling Critics
Warning: Do not troll Wise beard man unless you are looking to be put in Intellectual Checkmate.
If one wishes, one may also troll on the "other side of the fence". That is, troll the critics of Scientology. This is often the source of many epic lulz, since critics get so caught up in their "activism" in railing against Scientology, that they often don't see that they are, themselves, becoming the very model of what a Scientologist should be.
Trolling critics is generally a longer set up that your garden variety troll, but depending on the set up can last anywhere from a couple of months to over a year. The troller should find a Scientology critic message board (Operation Clambake being the largest example thereof), create an account and once situated within the community, incite chaos by doing one (or all) of the following:
- Declare your love/admiration/respect for L.Ron Hubbard. Add that he was brilliant.
- Start every topic and answer every question with a Hubbard quote.
- Say that Scientology means "Study of truth" and ask the critics why they are against truth.
- Claim that there is actual "value" in Scientology "tech"
- Claim that Scientology is a "bona fide" religion.
- Say that Fair Game doesn't exist. And Xenu is an invention of ex-members.
- Claim that Scientology "helps people become more able"
- Say that all critics are oppressors, bigots, intolerant, Nazis etc.
- Bad mouth psychiatry
- Suggest to bomb the Church and say it will be a kewl terrorist attack.
- Threaten to drop docs on someone's Powerword: IRL Name on the boards.
(Note: Threatening to drop docs, or "outing" a critic is a troll ending move, but the resultant panic generates much lulz)
Any or all of the above will brand you immediately as a "Scieno", "Clam" or the entity most dreaded by the critic "community", O.S.A. which is short for Office of Special Affairs, the "dirty tricks/litigation" arm of the Scientology "Church". Many lulz ensue as the critics bad mouth you, tell you you're stupid, that Hubbard was a mad man, sling epithets and generally attempt to butthurt you with tired, cliche arguments over and over. These critics have developed a kind of "visual stealth technology" wherein if you point out that they're acting exactly like the big, bad entity they're fighting against, blinders will come down, your observation will be either categorically denied (despite the obviousness) or ignored.
Remember: these "critics" are the ones who claim to want to "help" people exit the cult of Scientology, but seem to be the first ones to drive Scientologists running screaming right back to their E-Meters for "Life Repair Handling" or courses in shattering "Suppressive Persons" (more like Smart Persons amirite?).
[edit] PROJECT CHANOLOGY
After a video interview of Tom Cruise got leaked onto JewTube, scientology got butthurt and had the video removed. This prompted niggertits.org to man the harpoons and begin an epic battle against the Scientologists. You can help by Lurking Moar and figuring out what to do yourself.
| —Anon |
[edit] Videos
[edit] Official Scientology Orientational Video
Apparently, they've gone to great lengths to make sure that people don't see it, particularly because even they realize that it's total bullshit and they don't want the unclean outsiders proving that to the people who make them rich. Pay special attention to the bullshit starting at 0:00. Expect a lawsuit if you even think about pondering the consideration of maybe some day downloading it. HOLY SHIT IT'S ALL BEEN DELETED! SURPRISE! OMG conspiracy. Re-upload plz! TAKEN CARE OF!!!!
FileHO Mirror:
[19] (BALEETED)
DepositFiles Mirror:
[20] (BALEETED)
SendSpace Mirror:
[21] (BALEETED)
YouSendIt Mirror:
[22] (BALEETED)
Rapidshare Mirror:
[http://rapidshare.com/files/19459352/Scientology-Orientation-Video.mov - (BALEETED)
MegaUpload Mirror: [23] - This one still works too!
Gawker Mirror: [24] - This works
MediaFire Mirror:
[25] - (BALEETED)
Another rapdishare mirror: [26]
It's around 60 MB and an excellent source for your daily lulz nutrition.
[edit] The Now Infamous Tom Cruise Scifag Indoctrination Video
| —Tom Cruise on seeing things |