Scotland
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
As quoted: The problem with Scotland is that it is full of Scots.
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[edit] TL;DR Scotland is now called Scatland
Scatland is a major country-ette to the north of England. Renowned for its sex tourism, people from all over the United Kingdom travel to Scatland to enjoy its liberal laws regarding livestock appreciation (tupping). Scatland is the home of the Scottish and the growing population of thick inbred chavs seeking refugee status from the purgatory of England. Usually at war with its southern neighbour, Scatland's better education system and poliferation of whisky stills means the Scots have vast intellect compared to the barbarians from the English Provinces, who drink piss and speak creole, because in England the women have buttsex with nigger men, whereas in Scatland this does not happen. The main reason for this is a man called John Smeaton, who is a racist who hates all sandniggers and other niggers because they are fucking terrorists. However, when you remember that even the men wear dresses, it makes sense to go in the backdoor just in case you get a surprise round the front.
[edit] The Scatsman
A short Englishman with a head-cold and severe mental retardation, most notable for their fondness for animal innards and deep fried anything, which they probably only eat because they've lost so many drinking games to the Irish. They also get sunburn from fireworks and therefore can't celebrate St Patricks day, something else the Irish can do quite well at. Scots have an inability to string a sentence together that makes sense or doesn't involve the words, fuck, cunt, "English wankers/French sissies/Welsh trolls" or "got any special brew mate?".
The Scotsman is also known to be extremely careful with his money, thus, in the rest of the UK all the jokes you hear in America about Jews being tight-fisted are about Scots. Although more intelligent than their English chav counterparts, nearly all Scottish people suffer from unwarranted self-importance and believe Scatland is the greatest country ever. This is ten times worse than the average American redneck. Many departments of tourism say it is common knowledge to only approach Scottish people when they are on heroin, as this is their most relaxed state.
Scotsmen like Sean Connery (who lives in Barbados, btw) always bitch about wanting a divorce from England, but never follow through because they know deep down Scatland is promoted to part-shithole from shithole while being part of the UK. This is similar to the middle-aged fat bitch everyone knows who whines about wanting a divorce but stays with her cheating husband for cock, money or food.
[edit] Lifetime Achievements
- THE FIRST RACE TO HATE EVERYONE, INCLUDING THEMSELVES
- PRIDE ABOUT LEECHING
- SCOTCH MIST
- MEN STILL WEAR SKIRTS AFTER "PANTS" (they are called trousers you silly yank) WERE INVENTED
- HOME OF THE ORIGINAL SELLOUT'S
- WHISKY
- SASSIA Myspace Angle Achievement.
[edit] War On Terror
After years of sectarian hatred, Scatland is the driving force on the current war on terror. This time its not protestants against catholics, its pakis against the world. President Bush is often in contact with Glasgow neds in order to better understand the methods and mentality that has thus far halted Allah in his violent petrol doused tracks. One such ned is John Smeaton, who is a baggage handler at Glasgow Airport who is famous for having kicked a burning suicidal terrorist in the balls last Thursday. Ironically, after mainstream media appearances and a Bebo appreciation site set up for him [1], he has become a target for terrorists in himself and has thus been pwned by the system and will soon become an hero.
[edit] Exports
Scatland's primary export is the haggis, a small, fur-covered creature with one leg shorter than the other. Before intensive haggis farming was introduced, haggis hunting was the country's largest source of employment. Scotsmen frequently have drinking tournaments with the Irish, which they always inevitably win, the win being judged as definitive when the loser is found dead in the gutter the next morning due to the drinking establishment of their choice no wantin' tae lose their license by having another dead paddy found in the bogs.
[edit] How to catch a haggis
The most significant physical characteristic of haggis, aside from the repugnant taste, is that they have one leg significantly shorter than the other. When in their natural habitat, the highlands of Scatland, this is a natural advantage as the Haggis is able to maintain perfect vertical posture while standing sideways on a hillside. This enables it to run around the hill in a circular direction without falling down, as would most other animals.
However, evolution provided Scotsmen with the perfect advantage over the haggis; the shotgun. Over many years, Scotsmen learned to sneak up behind haggis and, just at the right moment, fire their shotgun straight up into the air while shouting "Och ya'wee'un! Noo ya'maine!".
The haggis would then turn around to see what the noise was, and due to bipedal disharmony would fall and roll to the bottom of the hill, where a second Scotsman would wait with a sack made from a sheep's stomach.
Haggis farming has largely been consigned to Scatland's dark and ginger past. However, haggis hunting holidays are popular with tourists from Scandinavia.
[edit] Survival Guide
The following should help any tourist visiting the country. But if you are forigner, you're dead anyway [2].
[edit] Colloquial Words & Phrases
Geez a lick ey yer gash - May I perform cunnilingus on you? gonnae git me a tenbag? - Would you get me £10 worth of any drug, please? Dinnae blether pish! - Please desist talking such nonsense! ye ken, gadge? - Were you aware of this fact, my good man? hing-oot/midden/hoor - Whore or Slag Haggis Supper - Deep-fried haggis, with extra legs Swally ma irn brew - to drink, Yer maws a dirty slapper - Your mother is sexually promiscuous and lacking in bodily hygene 'Fuck up or yi gonnae git chibbed - Please refrain from talking to me in such a manner, lest I must physically assault you with my blade Dinnae geezet likes - Don't subject me to such impertinence 'Way tae fuck - Remove yourself from this general area/Your previous statement appears to be highly unbelievable Ma cousin's herdest in Pilton - I am inbred and related to everyone in Pilton Radge - To be overly angry, mad. that fellow makes me rather angry Mad gahgee - Pedo/English man Alm hina cabla! - Insane patriotic chant Hed move! - Please move your fucking massive head your i'll kill you Uo' Basterd - Hello English Tourist Fuckin moan ya gitto cunt - Come get me, you Garrowhill vagina! Wanna go halfies? - Would you care to kindly share (item) with me? Aw man tats pure minted! - What a wonderful thing, explamation of pleasure. Ya wee bawbag! - You have small testicals, dergatory. Wee - Small Keen, like? - Understand? Ya bam! - You have no father. Gonna glass ya! - I am going insert broken pint glass into your face.
[edit] Glaswegian Rhapsody
Is this the buckfast? Is this the methadone? Stuck in the Gorbals wi' two bob fur the telephone. Open yer wine and talk wi' a whine like me... Am jist a Weegie, gi'e us yer Sunny D Cos ah'll chib yer pal, rip yer da Slash yer dug, ride yer maw Anyway the Clyde flows does'nae really matter to me To me Haw maw, just chibbed some cunt Buckie bottle 'gainst the heed Noo the fuckin' bastards deed Haw maw, am just oan parole An noo I'm headin back tae Burlineeeee... Haw maw, oowoaooooh Never meant tae steal yer purse If am no aff the smack this time the 'morra' Cairry oot, cairry oot 'cause fuck all really matters Too late, the bailiff's here Sent shivers doon ma spine Ah gubbed ten jellies just in time Goodbye awe ma' muckers 'ave got to go Got tae go and chib some wank up in the scheme Owe Maw, oowoaooooh Am a jakey bam Ah sometimes think 'ave never been washed at all I see the little silloette of a bam Adidas! Adidas! Gonnae gee us a kergo Thunderbird, White Lightnin', very very frightnin' 'ae me Twenty Mayfair, twenty Mayfair Twenty Mayfair an' some skins Magnifico oh oh oh oh Ah'm just a fat cunt, nae body loves me He's just a fat cunt fae a fat family Spare us a pound for a wee cup a' tea Get tae fuck, jakey slob, will ye get a job For fuck sake NAW! I will nae get a job Get a job For fuck sake I will nae get a job Get a job Will nae get a job Get a job Will nae get a job no no no no no..... Oh gonorrhea, gonorrhea, gonorrhea and the clap Then doon the pub, has the barman put aside for me For me, for meeee! So you 'hink ye can slash me a pish in ma' eye? So ye 'hink ye can chib me an' leave me tae die Haw bawbag, cannae dae this tae me bawbag Just wait till I'm oot, just wait till I'm right oot ma nut Fuck all really matters, any cunt can see Fuck all really matters..... Fuck all really matters tae meeeeeee.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- Scottish National Anthem - Performed Live at Hogmanay 2005
- Scottish National Anthem - Performed recorded at Hogmanay forEVAR
