Sean Connery
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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| Born | Sir Thomas Sean Connery 25 August 1930 Edinburgh, Scotland, UK |
| Famous For | James Bond, SNL, Zardos, YTMND, Movies, Old Media |
| Website | Official Sean Connery Site |
If you have any experience on the internet at all, Sean Connery has probably definitely spent the night with your mother. On top of his whore mother bedding prowess, he is also the face and voice behind the once popular internet site YTMND, various IRL action/drama movie characters, and a few million memes generated over the last decade on the world wide web. The fact of the matter is even if you are a total nerd, emo queen faggot, ditsy 17-year-old camwhore, or shit eating German scat porn star, you have laughed at something that Sean Connery has done...whether he meant to be funny or not.
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History
Sir Thomas Sean Connery was born in Edinburgh, Scotland on August 25, 1930. From that point in time onward, he has pretty much been awesome at everything he does. Even bloopers and blunders seem to eventually right themselves and become more remarkable as his awesome continues to grow exponentially with each year that passes.
SNL
| —Trebek, getting the shaft again. |
While most celebrities shrink away from the harsh treatment that Saturday Night Live puts them through when they attempt to satirize an actor or actress, Sean Connery and the Connery legend only made the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits much more noteworthy and powerful. By depicting Connery as a bitter old senile star with a penchant for ANAL BUM COVERS, SNL briefly latched onto the awesomeness of the Connery phenomena. SNL, realizing that they had something actually funny on their program for a change, milked the “Connery Effect” for all it was worth by making several sequel skits before resuming to their normally shitty and unfunny programming. On the internet, the clips were linked and watched and linked and watched over and over becoming funnier and funnier with each successive viewing. Nobody ever grows tired of Connery sparring intellectually with Trebek. It is not uncommon to read some internet poster replying to a thread by simply stating “The Rapists for 800, Alex.”
YTMND
For full coverage please see YTMND.
In 2000, the film “Finding Forrester” was released. The film, despite staring Connery and being a second-rate knock off of “Good Will Hunting,” did not become a hit until much later when somebody noticed that during the trailer for the film, Connery states the following phrase:
| —Connery, yelling at a negro man in Finding Forrester. |
Once again, the “Connery Effect” was in full swing, causing many to lol and try to find ways to emulate Connery once again. The chief imitation came in the form of the website yourthemannowdog.com which, over a five year period evolved into the site YTMND.com.
Bond and Other Works
Sean Connery is the only star to have once been Ian Fleming’s James Bond character and then go on to have any sort of career after quitting the franchise. Despite a recent renewal of the Bond films, many purists consider Connery’s work to be canon and his portrayal of Bond is the yardstick against which all other Bonds are compared.
Bond movies Connery stared in:
- From Russia With Love
- Thunder Ball
- Diamonds are Forever
- Never Say Never Again – considered by all to be the best Bond movie of all time.
Accents
Connery has also shown a talent for reproducing language accents other than his normal Scottish Brogue. Many attribute both the Brogue and the ability to emulate other foreign accents to an overindulgence of alcohol, but since Connery was actually born in Scotland, this overindulgence cannot be factored into any equation as all Scots are born drunk.
Some of his famous roles where he utilizes his awesome power of mimicking accents:
- He perfectly emulates Lithuanian in the movie The Hunt for Red October.
- His mick was flawless during his portrayal of Jimmy Malone during The Untouchables.
- He adds a Latin flare to the movie The Highlander with his portrayal of Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez.
- His well-versed pedo accent is incomparable in The Name of the Rose.
- His character Draco in the movie Dragonheart speaks fluent Dragonese.
- His portrayal of Agamemnon in the film Time Bandits is so perfect, you would think Connery was born and raised in ancient Greece.
- He speaks fluent Arab in the film The Next Man.
- His Turkish is impeccable in Murder on the Orient Express.
Zardoz
If you have never seen the 1974 film Zardos, now is the time. Put down what you are doing and find a torrent of this movie, download it and watch it. be prepared for a weird ride on a rollercoaster of the absurd.
Things you will learn from Zardoz besides the fact that Connery licks some other dude’s hand:
- It was I!!!!
- The penis is evil.
- He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself.
- I will not go to second level with you.
- Having a disembodied head for your announcer is not a good start.
- Ammo can be a fashion statement.
- Your memories are from a third person perspective!
- Nets look pretty sexy on a girl.
- Erections sound like guitars.
- If you kiss a girl and she doesn't kiss back, it is perfectly acceptable to throw her in a pile of hay.
- Immortality causes impotency.
- Human genetic structure looks like a jellyfish or euglena. (Oh stop looking at me and find a dictionary.)
- Flowers are an impassable barrier.
- Sean Connery looks pretty darn good in a wedding dress, sets a guy to thinking...
- People can remain in one place for sixty years.
- It was all a funny TRICK!
On Women
| —Sean Connery to Barbara Walters in a 1987 interview. |
| —He was probably drunk at the time. |
In a very old interview with Barbara Walters, Sean Connery made what many might consider a public gaff concerning his attitudes towards woman. In the prelude to the interview, Walters states that "Connery regrets this conversation" but it doesn't look like it. In fact, it looks like Connery stands by his words and owns them as only the awesome Connery can. It's not like Trebek's mom doesn't ask for a good slap every now and then.
To drive his point home further, here Connery is portraying James Bond. He is getting a back rub from Dink, but when Felix shows up, it's time for "Man Talk." Good bye Dink! The ass slap at the end is just another exclamation point in a long novel of Connery awesomeness.
| —Diane Cilento, Connery's ex-wife, in her biography. |
Quotes
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Gallery
 In the future, they torture you with 60's schtick artwork. |
 The young stylish and suave wife beater. |
 Massive internet meme. |
 Who would win in a fight? Chuck Norris or Sean Connery? |
 Moar meme. |
 Every few months, something new springs up. |
 When you are this cool, they give you a gigantic wooden penis to carry around. |
 He is everything to everybody. |
 That's not what your mother said last night. |
 The Penis Mightier...for $600... |
 Famous Titties. |
 Connery didn't take any shit from Ursula Andress either. |
Rogues Gallery
| —Blofeld eventually gets tossed into a smokestack. |
Just like Bond, Connery is famous for his Rogues Gallery...a group of individuals bent on his destruction. Too bad for them, his awesomeness cannot be overcome, yet they try and try though the decades pass by.
 An innocent victim in his bedroom of all places. |
 Doctor No, keepin it cool in his plastic nuclear condom suit. |
 Red Grant, portrayed by Robert Shaw...who is as cool as Connery. |
 Auric Goldfinger enjoying a mint julep. |
 An Oddjob is not a sexual practice. |
 Emilio Largo, originator of "Leave Bond to me." |
 Barbara Walters |
 That DAMNED Trebek! |
 Blofeld version 1.0 |
 Blofeld version 2.0 |
 Blofeld version 3.0 |
 The final, and last installment: Blofeld 4.0 |
Video
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Zardoz Trailer You expect me to talk? YTMND Connery takes time out of his busy day to get drunk. Moar SNL Jeopardy. How to get Al Capone. Connery singing. Oddjob getting offed. Schawking! How to take out a German plane with an umbrella. Pipe down and eat yer haggis. |
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See Also
External Links
- I'm not saying its okay to hit women. It's just okay when James Bond does it.
- Denying the wife beatings. What is more shocking is that he is also denying the money obsession...aren't all Scots closet jews?
- Sean Connery at IMDB.
