Soap Opera

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This page has potential but it needs a lot of work. It could benefit from some pictures, but especially some stuff about forums and message boards for soap operas, and any other ways that people get all crazy and wrapped up in imaginary peoples' lives -- Japanese historical soaps, fantastically beautiful Venezuelan telenovelas, American wealthy douchebags and hairspray queens, whatever!. Discuss edits that might add to the lulz on this article's talk page.

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Micheal Jackson at the 2005 Emmy Awards (left).

A Soap Opera (or Soap) is a form of TV drama somewhat like bad fanfiction, only for NORPS. Full of Mary Sues and hunky bishounen for housewives and 16 year old girls to drool over, there is little room for a coherent plot, so all characters generally have at least 100 exes or evil twins. Sort of like the Internet, except you can't participate in them.

Beaners are especially fond of the Soap Opera, but they call them Telenovelas.

Lulzworthy characters in soapdom

Theresa Lopez-Fitzpatrick: Batshit crazy stalker on Passion who spent the entire series stalking prettyboy scumbag Ethan "I like having two women fighting over me for my amusement" Crane, going so far as to drugging and raping him for the purpose of having his kids. Ultimately their relationship ends when Gwen, Ethan's equally psychotic (but more sympathetic as far as the fact that she always gets away with her shit) girlfriend frames her for revealing that blue-blood Ethan is a bastard-spawn conceived by his mom's affair with the dumb as dirt pretty boy chief of police. Currently cosplaying as Betty from Ugly Betty in an attempt to win Ethan back after Ethan's cooler half-brother Fox quit the show to go play Green Arrow on Smallville, leaving her high and dry.

Brooke Logan from The Bold and the Beautiful: a skanky rich white woman who'll fuck anything. No, seriously. In addition to her "one true love" (The equally skanky Ridge Forrester), she's also fucked both his brother and had kids with his dad! LOLWTFBBG! AND she got knocked up by her son in law! Seriously, go watch this shit sometime, it's really lulzworthy.

Whatever character Susan Lucci plays...Erica Kane or some shit: The biggest loser in Hollywood for being nominated for a Best Actress Emmy over 9,000 times and only won once, for a storyline where she stood around with her mouth wide open, due to the shock and humiliation she felt for having a daughter with an eating disorder.

Victor Newman, from The Young and the Restless: Evil rich asshole who's entire character is that he's an evil rich asshole.

Vincent: a sociopathic, hermaphrodite mulatto Power Ranger who not only lives as both a man and a woman, but also as the masked, crossdressing "blackmailer". Besides blackmailing people, he repeatedly raped his half-sister, framed said half-sister's lover for his crimes, murdered his black half-sister's lesbian lover, seduced his other black sister's husband into gay sex (and outing him to his wife for shits and giggles), proclaiming his desire to want to fuck his white male half-brother, and fucking his father while in his female alter-ego "Valerie" get-up, becoming pregnant with his dad's baby in the process.

Dr. Marlena Evans: Shitty doctor who's famous for being DOOL's hostage girl of choice; was possessed by Satan in the mid-1990s. Her daughter, Belle, is an even BIGGER whore/cunt than her mother.

Jason Quartermaine-Morgan: Preppy dork who wanted to be a doctor, until his asshole half brother AJ drove drunk with Jason riding shotgun, crashing his car and causing Jason to suffer permanent brain damage, in the form of 100% memory loss and a new "angsty" attitude as far as him rejecting his family in favor of Sonny "Poochie" Corinthos, who inducted him into the mafia as his own personal assassin. Played by an actor, Steve Burton, who uses his soap opera fame to convince fans to join his pyramid scheme involving sugar-filled energy drinks.

Sonny Corinthos: AKA the Poochie of General Hospital. All stories revolve around Sonny and characters are rated, storylinewise, mainly by how close they are to Sonny and his storylines. Is an evil "gangster" with a "heart of gold", who shows his love for his wife by shooting her in the skull while she's giving birth (she survived and forgave Sonny for the attempt to murder her, since Sonny can do no wrong).

Dusty Donovan: A lamer version of Sonny, because As the Fucking World Turns rips off of every other soap opera. Spend most of the past three years missing his wife of ten minutes while bedding all three of the women that fucked her over in that timespan. Everyone thought he died earlier this year, but like in the anime Bleach, no one ever really fucking dies on a soap opera, and he came roaring back to life to wreak havoc and create lulz for his BFF Paul Ryan

John Black: Guy who's famous for the fact that his backstory changes depending on what story the writers want to give to further a story. Currently is a con-man who pretends to be a priest who was brainwashed to think he was his nephew, who was thought to be dead and steal his wife from her, in between sleeping with a mob boss's daughter, who's dad tries to kill them when he finds out that his daughter is really the biological daughter of the mob boss with a heart of gold, who is said nephew's brother's true biological father.

Kevin Fisher: Batshit insane faggot from The Young and the Restless who burned down a restaurant 100 years ago to try to kill the 16-year-old girl he was obsessing over and failed because he locked her in a freezer. The writers kept him on the show and have since downplayed his homicidal rages to make him into a whiny bitch who frequently uses flashbacks of his abusive father to score some 16-year-old pussy, which he never gets anyway because he IS a pussy. He's supposed to be the show's bad boy, but whenever he gets in trouble he plays the insane card and whines to his big brother the dumbass attorney to save him from his latest mistake because he knows Bubba will fuck him up the ass in prison. All the 16-year-old girls on the show flock to him because he's the only steady single male on the show who isn't over 40. His greatest achievement in life is getting his ass handed to him by a giant talking squirrel.

Story clichés

Grass is Greener: Despite having a fantastic job, a hot spouse, respect of friends and family someone will throw it away for the mysterious stranger or the bum. If they're lucky the stranger is secretly rich and not insane.

Secrets: EVERYONE has a secret, if someone denies this they are about to be blown out of the fucking water. Drama can last for years.

Evil Twin or Look-Alike: "Honest, I didn't shoot your dog, seduce your wife, burn down your house and frame you for murder, it was someone who looked just like me!" The evil twin or look-alike is inevitably wittier and more interesting than the put-upon original character and is often missed when finally imprisoned or killed...maybe (see "Back from the Dead").

Forgiveness: Someone will be raped, the rapist will be outright maimed, arrested, killed or it will launch into an incredibly long forgiveness arc.

Who's the daddy: A necessity. One pussy, two dicks. One fucked up kid.

Comas: People who have key information to ending a long drawn out situation will frequently be put in comas to preserve the shitty plot a little longer than necessary. The coma victim sometimes becomes the Amnesiac.

Back from the dead: But I decapitated you, raped your corpse, and dumped your body in a blizzard across the world!! Well it didn't stick. This causes drama because while everyone is happy, said person is alive, they have bulldozed his home, sold his assets, forced his wife to move on with his enemy, and let him adopt his kids.

Incest: Soap fans are often uncomfortable with gay or interracial couples, but to their credit they've never had a problem with incest storylines. Typically two siblings separated at birth hook up as adults, screw like minks, find out they are related, puke, then conveniently find out they aren't related after all.

Cages: What do you do when you love someone who loves you not? Do you set them free? No, you put them in a giant cage! But life as a hamster isn't all that bad: Despite having live alongside their own shit, the caged love one will continue to look like they just stepped out of a salon.

A Special Story: These will have to do with Teen: abortion, sex, suicide, drugs and or self-injury. Global warming is sometimes featured as well.

Amnesia: Often result of comas. Ridiculous plot device numero uno. Characters can develop it from almost anything, often being hit by a microwave door. See below for character profile.

The Characters

Mysterious Strangers: They exist to fuck everything up. They will reluctantly steal someone's spouse, job, and house. No one can resist them.

The Bum: Every romance triangle has the bum, he has no job, prospects, or home. His go-nowhere-life attitude drives the ladies wild. There are few female bums.

Amnesiac: Someone with amnesia, will forget only plot related details. Sometimes doubles as the Mysterious Stranger.

Minorities: Not a big deal, they are there to show you how non-racist the show is. They are only lawyers, doctors, and cops. You won't see Negroes eating friend chicken or a Mexican enjoying a tasty taco, nor will either be a suspect for a crime like kidnapping or rape.

The Slut: A gold digger, she sleeps around for shit. Staple.

The Good Girl: Usually gets pwned by the slut but is so saintly she'll willingly raise the baby the slut had with the good girl's fiancee or husband.

The Matriarch: often a former slut who now gets her kicks judging younger sluts. Alcoholism is typically her one redeeming quality.

Shirtless Fag: His shirt's off, outside, in the winter. "Why", you ask? Because he needed a makeshift rope, or his lady friend was cold, or a bug went up his shirt, or he wanted to show you a scar, or...

The Soaps

Passions

Features 4 families; The wealthy Cranes led by their evil rape-happy, racist patriarch Alistair Crane, the Russels led by the whorish, drug addicted Eve Russel, the Lopez-Fitzgeralds leg by the sanctimonious Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald and the Bennets (a lower class of whites), led by the policeman Sam Bennet, a man who won't be bribed by Alistair Crane but is not above fucking his daughter-in-law with a bastard child. All this makes drama, as everybody hates the Cranes but fuck them because they like pissing off Alistair.

The show also has a smaller family named the Lennox's, a family that consists of two witches and Pinocchio. The show steals its content from popular media, such as Chicago, Titanic, The Da Vinci Code, and The Wizard of Oz. The show also (until the last couple of years, when the writers gave up on the issue) promoted the whole notion of "soulmates" as far as justification for why the various characters were together, as a out to cover up their hack writing.

Other highlights include, homes being sucked into hell, a character named Charity's evil zombie twin wreaking havoc, rapist hermaphrodites, said hermaphrodites purposely out to fuck family members, a drug addled prostitute and her killer pimp, a brother wanting to bone his sister, a trip to Oz, and a typical tragic lesbian relationship. Needless to say the show was nearly canceled, but instead was shown mercy and moved to a channel on DirectTV. Update: Canceled, lol.

Days of Our Lives

At least 100 years ago, DOOL was created. It was originally about incest and though time has passed, it is still pretty much about incest. Like on most if not all soaps, it takes place in a small town of which location the writers change when it suits them. Regardless of where the town is, you can reach New York, California, or even the Middle East within an hour or at the most a day. In this show everyone is related to everyone. That girl who gave you a blowjob will turnout to be your cousin and that guy who impregnated you will be your uncle (by adoption if the pregnancy carries through). Then, the chick who you had your first anal sex with turned out to be your long lost mother(who you thought died in a car crash along with your father but just turned out to be they're evil twins, which i guess is a good thing).

Neighbours

Shitty ausfag soap wherein the entire population is confined to one street, and a coffee shop. Amnesia is a major favourite in this series (one character developed it from FALLING INTO A SWIMMING POOL), which is appropriate because the public cannot remember themselves what the fuck tempted them to watch it. The episodic structure is usually based around anorexic actresses (who will be fired as soon as they turn 22) having complex relationship issues owing to events which happened 4 episodes ago, so of course nobody remembers them. The other SUPR ORIGNL plot feature is a character (usually an older one nobody cares about) being in some tragic accident which would kill any person brutally but making a complete recovery during the next episode. The show has been going for decades and none of the writers have bothered to think of new plot devices.

The Bold and the Beautiful

Oddly, the only actress worth watching on this show is neither bold nor beautiful (O HAI THAR, STEPHANIE!).

Brooke Logan is in love with asshat Ridge Forrester but ends up attracting the attention of his father, who wants out of his loveless marriage to Queen Bitch Stephanie Forrester. Brooke and Daddy Forrester fuck until Ridge becomes free, at which point we get endless storylines involving Brooke having to deal with dating other men (including Ridge's brothers) inbetween Ridge's marriages/divorces with batshit crazy drunk psychiatrist Taylor. There was also a rival fashion design crew lead by a morally ambiguous chick who looks like the head mistress from The Facts of Life, her daughter Macy (who was married to Ridge's brother for a while), a gay older man who was the main tailor for the company, and her conman husband.

There is also batshit crazy baby stealing nurse Sheila, who predates Kimberly Shaw on Melrose Place by at least two years and equally crazy (but in a goody-two-shoes way) Scotsman James Warwick, who's dad was Scotty from Star Trek.

The show was great (getting shout-outs on Seinfeld even) until in 1994, the writers decided to have all of the babies on the show get infected with SORAS, creating a new batch of adults for incest-themed storylines and the pop culture zeitgeist passed the show by.

As The Worlds Turns

HAI GUYZ, THIS SHOW HAZ TWO GHEY BOYZ WHO ARE SUPER HOT, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS AT ALL!!!!!!!!111!!!

Guiding Light

Lol, also canceled. About the only thing worth noting on the show is the camera work. It's complete and total shit. Think about the videos from your high school's AV class--the camera work is the assbaby of that and the Blair Witch Project. No show can keep up ratings when its own crew can film right. Good riddance.

Prisoner: Cell Block H

Lunatic Ozzie show about giant dykes murdering each other in a variety of increasingly imaginative and unlikely ways. Full of death, melodrama and angry, dry rape. Arguably the only thing that Australia has ever produced to be funnier than Josef Fritzl, and only marginally less fucked up.

Sunset Beach

Started out as DOOL's poor relation, then went batshit insane when the writers realised that the only people still watching it were doing so for the lulz. Before the plug was pulled they went through evil twin, cheating priest brother, dead catburglar bursting out of a stripper's cake, mother has baby by daughter's husband, evil Aztec curse, amnesiac wife returning on husband's wedding day to new girlfriend and a seven-in-a-bed recap dream sequence. Pure, pure class.

Needs Moar Nuke

One of the oldest soap operas evar went to fanfiction.net and saw all the wonderful yaoi fanfics. Thus the creation of the show's first gay character, Luke Snyder. Naturally, this created an explosion online from fangirls and critics alike.

The plot started with Young Luke involved in a love triangle with a closeted gay newcomer named Noah Mayer(Hence the name "Nuke" and Luke's friend Maddie Coleman. Their story also includes: Casey Hughes, Alison Stewart,Luke's mom and pop, Noah's batshit papa, Ameera Ali Azeez, and others who I don't remember so evidently don't count. It's the only plot on As The World Turns that doesn't suck.

November 2008- Noah broke it off , unleashing a batshit crazy Luke.
Luke's new step-grandpa, Brian, came on to/kissed him.
Luke maintained being a drunk...again.
Everyone forgot that Luke started a foundation.
Luke got kicked out of college because Noah is a fucking baby.

December 2008-Luke is out of school still, moping around and talking to the walls about his pervy new step-grandpa.
Nuke is unofficially back on.
Shortly after though, Noah is accused of having "feelings" for an ugly, recasted, only-on-for-a few-weeks, Maddie (seriously they should rename her Crazy Eyes, amirite?)
Luke seeks out revenge so he get's shit-faced and kisses dear old grandpapa, Brian.
Noah gets pissed and drops Luke AGAIN.

January 2009- Luke and Noah mope around in separate directions because Noah is still mad about Luke making out with his grandpa. His grandma is also quite pissed.
Friends, Casey and Alison run around and try to match them up again.
January 12th- HOLY SHIT! Luke and Noah fucked for the first time!!!!!1one. Fans everywhere shit their pants.

Febuary 2009- Nuke IS NOT featured on the infamous V-day special.Lulz.
Reg (resident gay) dies at Casey's birthday due to bad drugs. Naturally, Nuke gets involved.
Luke, being jobless and out of school, obsesses over it.
Nuke fight. Then they make-up.
Irrational Luke is..well...irrational.
After Luke blames 3 men, it ends up being NOAH!!! Ok no it was Mark.(guy who kinda-more-than-eye-raped Allison)

CBS and Preventing Nuke secks

People want to see man-on-man action ,thus, this has garnered international attention.CBS and P&G has created fucktard storylines so the power couple "ABSOLUTELY NO WAY WILL DO THE NASSTY!!!1!!GROSSO!!" -Actual quote from a P&G representative.

Those storylines include:

Noah's daddy shooting Luke.
Noah marrying an Iraqi women so she can stay in the country
Noah's dad breaks out of jail.
Noah needs a break from Luke.
Noah joins the Army.
Noah isn't ready for sex.
Noah goes to Rome for a million years.
Noah decides to take things slow, even though the rest of the town is doing it like bunnies.
Noah gets mad at Luke for some other pissy reason. This time it's about an election.
Noah is Republican while Luke is Democratic...'nuff said.

Noah is, by definition, a dumbass. They have had a few man on man kisses, all interrupted by something we blame on Noah. Said storylines are also causing viewers to loose interest. Good job Noah, I mean CBS.

Second time they fuck, they better show it and it better be masturbation material, amirite?

The Epic Love Story So Far

...can be found on this guy's JewTube profile, and all it's 209 (and still counting) glory.

But here's the part the fangirls care about:

Enjoy it, they're not going to do that again, despite being in love and whatnot, for another 1000 years

Fanvideos

The Bold and the Beautiful fans love incest. The couple in question are not only former stepsiblings, but her dad is, like, totally his brother! Oh it's not by blood any more, so it doesn't count.

Forums

Soap Central is the biggest online community dedicated to soaps. Forum members are mostly thirty-something divorcees and their cats.

Magazines

In a grim testament to the corruption of Caucasian society the Jew-run media has gone so far as to release magazines documenting the plot of soap operas. Morbidly obese housewives who are not content to spend the day scrutinising the lives of fictional retards can now consult a printed source for details on the complex, detailed plot of daytime television- which lesbian midget is having an abortion this week? When the intricacies of plot become too much to digest in one half-hour block, these nauseating tomes are close at hand. Oh certainly, forests are being destroyed to produce these magazines- but you just can't sleep at night until you know who fathered Juanita's half-canine transvestite offspring.