Soap opera
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| This page has potential but it needs a lot of work. It could benefit from some pictures, but especially some stuff about forums and message boards for soap operas, and any other ways that people get all crazy and wrapped up in imaginary peoples' lives -- Japanese historical soaps, fantastically beautiful Venezuelan telenovelas, American wealthy douchebags and hairspray queens, whatever!. Discuss edits that might add to the lulz on this article's talk page. |
Like bad fanfiction, only for television. Full of Mary Sues and hunky bishounen for housewives and 16 year old girls to drool over, there is little room for a coherent plot, so all characters generally have at least 100 exes or evil twins.
Contents |
[edit] Lulzworthy characters in soapdom
- Theresa Lopez-Fitzpatrick: Batshit crazy stalker on Passion who spent the entire series stalking prettyboy scumbag Ethan "I like having two women fighting over me for my amusement" Crane, going so far as to drugging and raping him for the purpose of having his kids. Ultimately their relationship ends when Gwen, Ethan's equally psychotic (but more sympathetic as far as the fact that she always gets away with her shit) girlfriend frames her for revealing that blue-blood Ethan is a bastard-spawn conceived by his mom's affair with the dumb as dirt pretty boy chief of police. Currently cosplaying as Betty from "Ugly Betty" in an attempt to win Ethan back after Ethan's cooler half-brother Fox quit the show to go play Green Arrow on Smallville, leaving her high and dry.
- Jack Deveraux: Holder of the title of "Magnificent Bastard" of all soap opera men. Originally conceived as a terminally ill rich kid who married his nurse Kayla Brady(who was forced into the marriage by her boyfriend, the honorable one-eye mercenary Steve Johnson, who just so happened to be Jack's long lost brother). When he found out that they were still together (in part because Jack's adopted and insanely wealthy serial killer father was trying to kill Kayla), Jack decided to rape Kayla, who until that point was refusing to carry out her wifely duties and have sex with Jack. Steve responded by grabbing his brother, taking him to the roof of a tall building, and tossing him off the roof. Jack survived and successfully guilted Steve into giving up a kidney to save his life. Kayla divorced him and Jack found out that he was adopted (and that his biological dad was also a psycho, who routinely raped his older sister), which caused Jack to go from smug preppy rapist to distraught emo-boy who all of the girls wanted to hold and comfort, especially after he murdered his crazy-ass serial killer adopted father in order to save his ex-wife Kayla (who came down with hysterical deafness after the latest attempt on her wellbeing by the Deveraux clan) from adopted daddy's grasp. His emoing ultimately led to the virginal goddess Jennifer Horton (back before she became a dirty whore who fucked her onscreen love interest off-camera as well as on-camera) to redeem Jack, culminating in Jack and Jennifer having sex in a cave while Jennifer's cousin was being dropped into a vat of acid. Though many actors have played Jack Deveraux, fans only acknowledge Matt Ashford's version of the character, as he was the one who played Jack from 1987-1994, from when Jack raped his wife, through Jennifer dumping Jack for mobster Peter Blake.
- Brooke Logan from The Bold and the Beautiful: a skanky rich white woman who'll fuck anything. No, seriously. In addition to her "one true love" (The equally skanky Ridge Forrester) , she's also fucked both his brother and had kids with his dad! LOLWTFBBG! AND she got knocked up by her son in law! Seriously, go watch this shit sometime, it's really lulzworthy.
- Whatever character Susan Lucci plays...Erica Kane or some shit: The biggest loser in Hollywood for being nominated for a Best Actress Emmy over 9000 times and only won once, for a storyline where she stood around with her mouth wide open, due to the shock and humiliation she felt for having a daughter with an eating disorder.
- Victor Newman, from The Young and the Restless: Evil rich asshole who's entire character is that he's an evil rich asshole.
- Vincent, a sociopathic, hermaphrodite mulatto Power Ranger who not only lives as both a man and a woman, but also as the masked, crossdressing "blackmailer". Besides blackmailing people, he repeatedly raped his half-sister, framed said half-sister's lover for his crimes, murdered his black half-sister's lesbian lover, seduced his other black sister's husband into gay sex (and outing him to his wife for shits and giggles), proclaiming his desire to want to fuck his white male half-brother, and fucking his father while in his female alter-ego "Valerie" get-up, becoming pregnat with his dad's baby in the process.
- Dr. Marlena Evans: Shitty doctor who's famous for being DOOL's hostage girl of choice; was possessed by Satan in the mid-1990s. Her daughter, Belle, is an even BIGGER whore/cunt than her mother.
- Jason Quartermaine-Morgan: Preppy dork who wanted to be a doctor, until his asshole cousin AJ drove drunk with Jason riding shotgun, crashing his car and causing Jason to suffer permenant brain damage, in the form of 100% memory loss and a new "angsty" attitude as far as him rejecting his family in favor of Sonny "Poochie" Corinthos, who inducted him into the mafia as his own personal assassin. Played by an actor, Steve Burton, who uses his soap opera fame to convince fans to join his pyramid scheme involving sugar-filled energy drinks.
- Sonny Corinthos: AKA the Poochie of General Hospital. All stories revolve around Sonny and characters are rated, storylinewise, mainly by how close they are to Sonny and his storylines. Is an evil "gangster" with a "heart of gold", who shows his love for his wife by shooting her in the skull while she's giving birth (she survived and forgave Sonny for the attempt to murder her, since Sonny can do no wrong).
- John Black: Guy who's famous for the fact that his backstory changes depending on what story the writers want to give to further a story. Currently is a con-man who pretends to be a priest who was brainwashed to think he was his nephew, who was thought to be dead and steal his wife from her, inbetween sleeping with a mob boss's daughter, who's dad tries to kill them when he finds out that his daughter is really the biological daughter of the mob boss with a heart of gold, who is said nephew's brother's true biological father.
[edit] Story clichés
- Grass is Greener: Despite having a fantastic job, a hot spouse, respect of friends and family someone will throw it away for the mysterious stranger or the bum. If they're lucky the stranger is secretly rich and not insane.
- Secrets: EVERYONE has a secret, if someone denies this they are about to be blown out of the fucking water. Drama can last for years.
- Forgiveness: Someone will be raped, the rapist will be outright maimed, arrested, killed or it will launch into an incredibly long forgiveness arc.
- Who's the daddy: A necessity. One pussy, two dicks. One fucked up kid.
- Comas: People who have key information to ending a long drawn out situation will frequently be put in comas to preserve the shitty plot a little longer than necessary. The coma victim sometimes becomes the Amnesiac.
- Back from the dead: But I decapitated you, raped your corpse, and dumped your body in a blizzard across the world!! Well it didn't stick. This causes drama because while everyone is happy, said person is alive, they have bulldozed his home, sold his assets, forced his wife to move on with his enemy, and let him adopt his kids.
- A Special Story: These will have to do with Teen: abortion, sex, suicide, drugs and or self-injury. Global warming is sometimes featured as well.
[edit] The Characters
- Mysterious Strangers: They exist to fuck everything up. They will reluctantly steal someone's spouse, job, and house. Noone can resist them.
- The Bum: Every romance triangle has the bum, he has no job, prospects, or home. His go-nowhere-life attitude drives the ladies wild. There are few female bums.
- Amnesiac: Someone with amnesia, will forget only plot related details. Sometimes doubles as the Mysterious Stranger.
- Minorities: Not a big deal, they are there to show you how non-racist the show is. They are only lawyers, doctors, and cops. You won't see Negroes eating friend chicken or a Mexican enjoying a tasty taco, nor will either be a suspect for a crime like kidnapping or rape.
- The Slut: A gold digger, she sleeps around for shit. Staple.
- Shirtless Fag: His shirt's off, outside, in the winter. "Why", you ask? Because he needed a makeshift rope, or his lady friend was cold, or a bug went up his shirt, or he wanted to show you a scar, or...
[edit] The Soaps
[edit] Passions
Features 4 families; The wealthy Cranes led by their evil rape-happy, racist patriarch Alistair Crane, the Russels led by the whorish, drug addicted Eve Russel, the Lopez-Fitzgeralds leg by the sanctimonious Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald and the Bennets (a lower class of whites), led by the policeman Sam Bennet, a man who won't be bribed by Alistair Crane but is not above fucking his daughter-in-law with a bastard child. All this makes drama, as everybody hates the Cranes but fuck them because they like pissing off Alistair.
The show also has a smaller family named the Lennox's, a family that consists of two witches and Pinocchio. The show steals its content from popular media, from as "Chicago", "Titanic", "The DaVinci Code", and "The Wizard of Oz". The show also (until the last couple of years, when the writers gave up on the issue) promoted the whole notion of "soulmates" as far as justification for why the various characters were together, as a out to cover up their hack writing.
Other highlights include, homes being sucked into hell, a character named Charity's evil zombie twin wreaking havoc, rapist hermaphrodites, said hermaphrodites purposely out to fuck family members, a drug addled prostitute and her killer pimp, a brother wanting to bone his sister, a trip to Oz, and a typical tragic lesbian relationship. Needless to say the show was nearly canceled, but instead was shown mercy and moved to a channel on DirectTV. Update: Canceled, lol.
[edit] Days of Our Lives
At least 100 years ago, DOOL was created. It was originally about incest and though time has passed, it is still pretty much about incest. Like on most if not all soaps, it takes place in a small town of which location the writers change when it suits them. Regardless of where the town is, you can reach New York, California, or even the Middle East within an hour or at the most a day. In this show everyone is related to everyone. That girl who gave you a blowjob will turnout to be your cousin and that guy who impregnated you will be your uncle (by adoption if the pregnancy carries through).
[edit] The Bold and the Beautiful
Oddly, the only actress worth watching on this show is neither bold nor beautiful (O HAI THAR, STEPHANIE!)
Brooke Logan is in love with asshat Ridge Forrester but ends up attracting the attention of his father, who wants out of his loveless marriage to Queen Bitch Stephanie Forrester. Brooke and Daddy Forrester fuck until Ridge becomes free, at which point we get endless storylines involving Brooke having to deal with dating other men (including Ridge's brothers) inbetween Ridge's marriages/divorces with batshit crazy drunk psychiatrist Taylor. There was also a rival fashion design crew lead by a morally ambiguous chick who looks like the head mistress from The Facts of Life, her daughter Macy (who was married to Ridge's brother for a while), a gay older man who was the main tailor for the company, and her conman husband.
There is also batshit crazy baby stealing nurse Sheila, who predates Kimberly Shaw on Melrose Place by at least two years and equally crazy (but in a goody-two-shoes way) Scotsman James Warwick, who's dad was Scotty from Star Trek.
The show was great (getting shout-outs on Seinfeld even) until in 1994, the writers decided to have all of the babies on the show get infected with SORAS, creating a new batch of adults for incest-themed storylines and the pop culture zeitgeist passed the show by.
[edit] As The Worlds Turns
HAI GUYZ, THIS SHOW HAZ TWO GHEY BOYZ WHO ARE SUPER HOT, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS AT ALL!!!!!!!!111!!!
[edit] Guiding Light
It's way TL;DR
[edit] Needs Moar Nuke
Last Thursday, one of the oldest soap operas evar went to fanfiction.net and saw all the wonderful yaoi fanfics. Thus the creation of the show's first gay character, Luke Snyder. Natural, this created an explosion online from fangirls and critics alike.
The plot started with Young Luke involved in a love triangle with a closeted gay newcomer named Noah (Hence the name "Nuke" and Luke's friend Maddie Coleman.It's the only plot on "As The World Turns" that doesn't suck.
[edit] CBS and Preventing Nuke secks
People want to see man-on-man action ,thus, this has garnered international attention.CBS and P&G has created fucktard storylines so the power couple "ABSOLUTLY NO WAY WILL DO THE NASSTY!!!1!!GROSSO!!" -Actual quote from a P&G representative.
Those storylines include:
- Noah's daddy shooting Luke.
- Noah marrying an Iraqi women so she can stay in the country
- Noah's dad breaks out of jail.
- Noah needs a break from Luke.
- Noah joins the Army.
Noah is, by definition, a dumbass. They have had a few man on man kisses, all interrupted by something we blame on Noah. Said storylines are also causeing viewers to loose interest. Good job Noah, I mean CBS.
[edit] The Epic Love Story So Far
...can be found on this guy's JewTube profile, and all it's 98 (and still counting) glory.
But here's the part the fangirls care about:
[edit] Fanvideos
"The Bold and the Beautiful" fans love incest. The couple in question are not only former stepsiblings, but her dad is, like, totally his brother! Oh it's not by blood any more, so it doesn't count.
What's gayer than a Gackt concert on Broadway? Bollywood in soaps!
[edit] See Also
- Meerkat Manor
- Flower
- Drama
- Fanfiction
- TL;DR
