Soulseek
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Soulseek is a centralized P2P filesharing, largely inhabited by basement-dwellers.
Contents |
The Rules
Users use their personal profile to type a set of 'rules', which often look like the final draft for a new constitutional amendment, but essentially just list ways you can get the user to ban you, such as:
- downloading more than 1 file
- downloading files larger than 10mb
- disconnecting before the user has had a chance to download all of your pr0n
- downloading too slowly (ie. having less than a dedicated T3)
- uploading too slowly (ie. having less than a dedicated T3)
- using soulseek
- not having the latest album by their favorite shit band
These users are always basement-dwellers who have nothing to do but sit around banning anyone who violates any of their 3,494,195 rules. More anal than Wikipedos, yet even the rules may be unwritten, policies unspoken, and the most arbitrary of all things being enforced. User:Tfo bans people who don't have sufficient levels of gay porn; User:Classic3801 bans people who haven't fully, correctly and anally alphabetized their collections, to give but two instances.
To combat these amazingly byzantine rules, a system of allowing users to enter likes and dislikes to their profiles was instituted. Now users can attempt to stop people from banning them by adding "being banned" or "Remote:Banned" to their dislikes, which creates a magical shield that prevents banning them. it also allows them to express their contempt towards W.
Soulseek also hosts chat rooms that are similiar to IRC in several ways, the most popular ones currently being #black metal, which seems to have replaced #indie for some god-forsaken reason because Satan's favorite P2P software is Soulseek. These rooms are popular with idiots who have nothing to do all day but get onto soulseek and websites for the sole purpose of bitching about other peoples taste in music, regardless of what it is, much like the original author of this article. Usually these rooms are inhabited by about 10 people per room which are on soulseek 24/7, even if they are list-only and never actually use the program to download music, and magically become hilarious because they say nigger in every sentence. This also means that while most other P2P programs are only for trading mp3s of popular shit bands, Soulseek's users have a large variety of content made by underground shitty bands.
Soulseek Dialect & Pioneering Syntax
Soulseek was developed quite some time ago in the realm of p2p networking and has had time to spawn a whole new (sub)-sub-culture of clones, random trolls and 13 year old faggots that think they know shit. Over these years it has also developed a variety of dialects or pseudo-english ways of communication.
Kvlt Speak, Kult, GRYM, etc..: Probably the most widespread of all dialects, however this was not originally created on Soulseek. This was only dumbed down and made even more pretentious by Soulseek's own "+Black Metal+" channel, which is comprised of trolls and posers from every walk of life. Most of which don't even listen to Black Metal or much less even know what it is or where it came from, but nonetheless listen to Cradle of Filth (a British pop/punk band) and wear corpsepaint. These people are usually referred to as "DER HOLY P0ZEVR" , by the 14 year-old regulars that are seemingly the "alpha males" of +Black Metal+ and are actually respected by the 400+ cum shitters that go there.
RAMglish: Developed sometime in the 21st century it is not certain when exactly this dialect became an official language on Soulseek. This language was developed by a user known as RAMXHER but goes as several different names. There are many variations of this syntax and grammatical phrasing. Some of which have been modified by some of the greatest trolls/fat losers with no life such as Fat Jon (aka Praeludium Und Fugue or deifyThyMaster or echoesOfDeath) and Jordi (rebirth_of_faggotry) from the "Metal" channel on Soulseek.
Elitism on Soulseek
Apart from the aforementioned pathetic ways of behavior, the thing Soulseek is most notorious for is the abundance of militant assholes known as elitists. According to wikipedia, an elitist is one who considers himself as a member of the elite — a select group of people with outstanding personal abilities, intellect, wealth, specialized training or experience, or other distinctive attributes. This is of course utter bullshit and has nothing to do with the truth whatsoever. In real life - a phrase they probably don't know, since they have no life outside Soulseek - they're basement-dwellers who do nothing except learning to excel at flamewars, and developing vast knowledge about obscure music. A regular day of an elitist consists of sleeping (they only require minimal amounts of sleep, some argue they have no sleep at all) and trolling others. Trolling tactics mainly consist of stating their opinions as facts, accusing people who disaggree with them of being homosexuals/retards/wiggers, etc. If a spark of a chance for an argument occurs, the elitists will dogpile you and start flaming until you stop talking. Although defeating them in a verbal battle might be possible, it is considered very hard and pointless, due to the fact that they're just stupid to change their hopelessly narrow mind, and generally not worth arguing about. When confronted by an elitist, it is not advisable to take them seriously, because they might drive you batshit insane.
Death Metal Rooms
Allegations from several DMC and RDM inhabitants are found below. These people have formed their own lexicon that allows them to perpetuate their own futile existence. You're probably not enough of a dipshit to know what "nonclue" means anyway.
There are 2 popular Death Metal Rooms in Soulseek: the REAL DEATH METAL room and DEATH METAL CLUB. DEATH METAL CLUB consists of regular Elitists (explained above), wiggers (Retribution, Grille-Pain, Pallbearer, AshesOfBabylon, etc.), nonclues(Nova0Reaper, Zaku77, CauseOfDeath, Th3 Beyond, etc.) and the randoms (basically any new person). The REAL DEATH METAL room was made by people that got rejected from DMC. They declared that they were indeed metal, and everyone else was the wigger/nonclue/idiot, so sammael.daemon went and formed REAL DEATH METAL. The RDM room has a religion of its own:
Sammael Cult
Around the Real Death Metal room there is a cult dedicated to worshipping the user sammael.daemon, who loosely defines success as having sex with whales, and is known for outrageously stupid remarks such as "I BREW BEER MORON, I love me, and I am a metal God" to name a few. Also suffers from hysterical narcissism. The sammael empire's main activities consist of daily sucking his dick and accepting all his namedrops as "True Metal", listening to them for a week, and claiming they're the best albums of the year - and also defending him against attacks from the rival gang (Death Metal Club residents). The sammael empire has fallen some time ago. Sammael has recently come back to Soulseek, RDM is slowly gaining life again. The sammael empire's arch enemies are Satanforce.
Satanforce
Most well-known Satanforce members (gradually being updated):
Wolfgang: Well known for wreaking havoc in RDM. On sammael, Fattens and their followers; "April fools gag"
& "the pizza incident" are only a few of the basheries to be found on his elitist resume.
SkullCrusher666: Basically this is the Sammael cult's Satan. People claim that there is some sort of sexual tension between the two.
Kughelf: He is the archetypical elitist, and is known for fellating a small array of bands, and strongly insulting anyone who dares not to praise him and his opinions. By natural habit, he speaks ramglish alot, accuses random people (especially people who listen to bands from the present decade) to be wiggers. He also tends to make fun of everything he dislikes, giving them hip-hop related names (Dressed Are The Slick, Psalms Of The Bounciebund, Slipnotsy - Once was 'knot). He is known to be unbeatable in arguments, due to the amount of his frequently used insults (cocksquatter, dickhopper, etc.), his vast knowledge of shitty music, and his unbreakable pride and vanity. 'Kughelf' is believed to be actually several people hellbent on terrorizing DMC with elitistic faggotry.There's only one way to avoid an oncoming shitstorm of an argument with Kughelf: "Hey, my favorite album is Legion/Breeding The Spawn/Liber Zar Zax" ; also, saying this at any point of the argument will make him as cuddly as his belly. Ways to piss him off/trigger drama: / "I have a job" / "I don't have a basement, so you can't stay over tonight" / "Dying Fetus/Necrophagist/Beneath The Massacre is probably the most technical death metal".
Slacker: He claims to be the very elite of the elite and thinks that everyone else is either "kike" or "nigger"...oh the irony!
Insalubrious: Girl version of all the above mentioned. Also resembles The Joker. Hasn't been seen in years.
Random randoms:
Nova0Reaper: Tries hard to be Kug, with little or no success. Talks ramglish 24/7, praises Breeding The Spawn, uses elf-phrases. Hasn't been seen in months.
DeadHaveRisen, Schizophrenic, has too many usernames to count, frequently brings up "The Moustache Incident".
mackhomie: Jungle fever. Famous for driving intoxicated into a ditch, burning his house down, and calling the police on himself; was hogtied,That DUI charge still haunts him.
Grille-Pain He's in almost every room. Never says anything openly unless provoked. He's also French so he's gay au naturel.
MISANTHROPIC CARNAGE HAS UNLEASHED THE FUCKING FURY!!!
Skyfire: Skyfire is known to have been rejected by every school in the tri-county area due to extreme and upsetting obesity. Most well known for being disqualified from the International Federation of Competitive Eating for consuming three of her opponents.
TheFlagOfVictory: Tries hard to present himself as a tough guy to cover up the fact that he's gay and into fartsex. He vandalized this page once so he's worthy of being on here.
nephran_malinari: A shitskin.
Vinternatt_Tystnad: A user almost forgotten. This kid likes to change usernames to keep you all guessing. The last known username he was under was Nex_Decorus on Slsk156c. This is the person who gave Wolfgang sammael's details. This is the story; When sammael got dumped by Natten. He cried. After he cried. He cried some more. After crying till his wee heart was content. He came online to an IRC channel "Metalheim" on Rizon.net(seperate from soulseek) created and run by Vinternatt. He whined that he was going to kill himself. Mid-sentance, nephren joined the channel, to which sammael said "im going now malinari" (nephrens old username was "malinari"), nephren replied "okay sam, lol, cya". sammael tried once more for the win. "no, you dont understand, im going, bye" *sammael has logged out (irc)*. Suddenly like a stroke of genius, Vinternatt encouraged one of sammaels real life friends[?] to call the police and inform them he is "suicidal". Whether or not this was because Vinternatt is infact a homosexual. Or he himself, was hellbent on the lulz, is unsure. Somewhere in the conversation of the police, sammaels friend[?], released sammaels details to Vinternatt (assuming he was american and capable of making the call himself). Later on, this led to the short lived friendship of Wolfgang and Vinternatt (about as long as the detail transaction took). People often think of Vinternatt as the anti-sammael. And that he is infact a ankle biting jew.
Sycophant: Straddles the RDM/DMC fence. Notorious for apparent grossly inaccurate tabs. (he was removed from this page, presumably by himself, or his friends, out of sheer embarrassment of these personal flaws)
Nattens Flammen: Enormous broad, potentially the only person on soulseek fat enough to dethrone Skyfire.
More importantly, despite Sammael's daily denying that she was overweight, upon being dumped he posted nude photographs of her and happily confirmed what an obese monstrosity she is, although the photos themselves obviously confirm this easily enough on their own. -->>
Penguin: "I gave your mom some spicy salami", "somtimes ill just sit around the house all day eating oatmeal in my undies", "i made a vibrator from a plastic cigar tube and an electric razor", "people don't read newspapers, most don't even watch the news much. They just wake up and act fucking retarded and go to mcdonalds and get their 3000 calorie breakfast and work their shit jobs cause they fucking suck cock". --> This user is online almost all day long, has a soulseek tattoo on his arm, proudly admits his obsession with alcohol and underage girls. Spends his free time when not on soulseek, being a unemployed basement dweller, making crappy electronic music and wanking it to porn.
n00bs
These are new users who go into every room and ask if anyone has the new ill nino cd most come into the DEATH METAL CLUB, most also get welcomed with open zippers...pleading for MOAR NEWFAGS!!!
One could easily assume that the speculations above were from a retard, or many retards
+BlackMetal+
The +BlackMetal+ room is infact an elaborate hoax designed to draw money. With the advent of the "donations" scheme set up to turn a profit it was quickly realised that if greedy nerds were only drawn to it because they could freely steal MP3s, it wasn't likely that they would willingly donate money without some sort of compulsion. A head booker was drafted and thus +BM+ was created as a ground breaking "reality-chat" for those who wished to recreate the social life they were prevented from having in the real world. Members would be sporadically informed that Soulseek, and +BM+ along with it, would be shut down due to lack of funds and a flood of welfare checks would be sent their way. Originally a strong cast of Soulseek patented stars were deployed to keep things interesting and Driss and Shieldmaiden proved to be the top draws. Over time these paid workers were gradually phased out because most of the regulars could be easily controlled via being fed false/entertaining information and the unprecedented stupidity of the room would cause this to be a success. Driss still maintains his seven figure contract, whereas Shieldmaiden (having become bored with the whole ordeal) managed to negotiate a much more lucrative contract with a creative control clause, allowing a bare minimum of appearances and carte blanche to proceed as she saw fit. With the vastly decreased IQ of the average member the stage was now set for the ultimate downfall of the room as a place to chat and set it up to the point where it became it's own form of mind control to anyone who dared linger for more than a few minutes (+BlackMetal+ is infact a small scale imagining of the "Matrix" concept thought of by a couple of strange nerds and marketed successfully as a movie for stupid people.) These circumstances led to the debut of the most destructive internet personality to grace the room. Skyfire. Having jumped ship from Metal Mayhem she soon found herself on the end of a giant push, one that has yet to falter and now dominates the main room with her brand of angsty, self obsessed rhetoric aimed at garnering herself even more excuses to comfort eat. With Skyfire as the top draw, IQ and coherency levels plummeted at an absurd rate and opened the gates to worse, even if less annoying, trolls with no intelligence or personality. Skyfire can be directly attributed with the downfall of any sort of humanity in the room, having spawned two distinct genres of troll who then cross bred to produce even more pathetic internet creatures. Her whinging, arrogant and self obsessed diatribes produced such no-name entities as Curse, expedited the growth of existing ones such as rawhed and AIDS. She is credited with turning Hoth from half-loathed pedophile user into a legend and elevating the Soulseek careers of other pedophiles such as storm_thor, CiDman and more recently sammael.demon, who is a king of a rival faction. Her attention whoring and predisposition for spamming pictures has also spawned a new generation of ugly, self obsessed and deluded internet whores, the main source of which seems to be Canada. The worst offender, yet the biggest success, of this category is Chelstd whose biggest hope in life is to become the new Skadi Ea, who is credited with the most crushing defeat ever handed to the great butterball known as Skyfire.
Devero
A 14-year-old hermaphrodite crack baby. +BlackMetal+ legend who has reigned supreme for over 6 years. Burlesque and ironic, Devero name drops very rarely and often makes a noob out of ones who do.
Quotes:
[] Devero [] ALL OF YOU ARE BETTER OFF DEAD
"Banned and Ignored Number: 853" "I would never work at the banana republic....rofl" "who der fuck is ye fagit" "Fuck this so called life, If life is a Gift then Death must be paradise"
[] Devero [] I DONT WANT TO BE BORN, JUST LEAVE ME IN HELL
] Devero [ is a troll, we all know this. As such, his driveling is, by design, equal parts infuriatingly stupid and insufferably boring. Again, we realize this, and many of us have perfected the art of trolling ourselves, anyway. Nevertheless, I can't imagine any of us were prepared to withstand an onslaught of "now playing: some retarded Broadway musical theme", or "now playing: Barbara Streisand", coupled with his relentless attempts to e-seduce each and every underaged female user. Of course there's more, like his laughable claim of having an "IDM project" named "Quasar of Destruction", or his ongoing, retarded pretense of being an anti-semitic German and affluent despite his residence in or near some trailer park in Cincinnati, Ohio; and his WoW addiction, and his habit of excessively scrolling the place when he logs on, but we can ignore all that! The absolute worst and most sickening part of ] Devero ['s presence is often the least experienced, thankfully: When one discovers that one shares a common musical interest with ] Devero [. It's rather enough to make own disown one's most cherished music, and the effect is markedly profound in its manifestation of shock, nausea, and dissociation such to the extent as to make one question all one's persuasions and decisions. For example, when I learned that ] Devero [ likes (or pretends to like) William Basinski, I lapsed into a weeklong musical identity crisis, the effects of which rendered me bed-ridden and psycho-somatically deaf whilst I summoned the resolve to pursue my musical interests irrespective of ] Devero ['s normally un-listenable preferences (Papa Roach, Linkin Park, Barbara Streisand, various other nu-metal sundries and Jewish-American adult contemporary and easy listening artists). Fortuitously I came by enough Matt Elliott and Aidan Baker to snap me out of my funk whilst ] Devero [ relentlessly preyed upon a young teenaged female user. Anyway, it is not for all those ignorable things but rather for the prevention of realizing a common interest with ] Devero [ that I declare he must be dragged out into the street, forced to watch every Spike Lee movie ever made, drawn, quartered, and incinerated.
Majeed
Majeed is lame and one of the worst trolls in slsk's +BlackMetal+ history after Devero, Driss and Jon Lecter, Majeed is a dirty immigrant faggot, multiple username nerd from Bahrain. He spends half of his time constantly raving about demons and how lucifer is a faggot ("Camel urine upon lucifer"). He fancies himself a rapper and blames his lack of success when compared to comercially successful rappers on satan. He is self-admittedly bisexual and likes having sex with teenage boys like Jon Lecter (preferably younger than 18). He is also pretty much obsessed with RimJobs and loves to talk about it while trolling in the +Blackmetal+ chat.
Some of the more famous propaganda regarding the Jon Lecter character is detailed below.
Jon Lecter
On the first day God gave us Driss. During the next four days the mad old bugger gave us moar failed trolls but it didn't matter because Driss had always been considered the biggest faggot. But on the sixth day (which was coincidentally last thursday because old memes die hard) God gave us Jon Lecter. It didn't take long for fate to reveal the extensive faggotry that embodied the young aspiring troll. A photograph was posted in the halls of +BlackMetal+ picturing Jon Lecter in a martyr-like pose decorated with cat ears burning the eyes like a bright halo begging to be desecrated and covered in black shit. His neck bounded and chained (presumably to his desk since that loser never leaves his computer) while his hand wipes away his own cum which he aimed at his eager mouth just moments earlier. Alas the cat ears would prove to be his crown of thorns as hilarity ensued and many lulz were generated at his expense. The picture was posted on 4chan, ebaumsworld, several other gay forums and some furry contact ads. He was eventually auctioned as a sexslave on craigslist and finally made it to Faux News. And with that +BlackMetal+ had their new jesus figure to mock and just in time for christmas too! While it is clear that Jon Lecter generally isn't as vehemently hated as several other regular visitors the lulz are unanimous. And while some may long for the day our young martyr indeed becomes an hero others simply just don't give a fuck yo. Perhaps a day will arive when Jon Lecter decides to grow up and develop some self-respect and gtfo soulseek for good. But he will leave behind a legacy of shameless homosexual posturing, unremarkable remarks and allround classic failtroll failure. And cat ears, lol.
