Spider
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Spiders are eight legged creatures from the arachnid family. They are related to pubic lice and scorpions, which is pretty awesome. All spiders are venomous, which means that they gots poison in 'em, stupid!
Spiders will always bite you, and all spider bites are fatal. Good luck, jerkoff, maybe you shouldn't have been messing with that spider in the first place.
Contents |
Spider Behavior
Spiders prefer dark places, like your bedroom, and tend to hide in corners and other places you never clean. Most spiders will descend slowly on their webs into your mouth while you are sleeping. Once more than fifteen spiders are in your mouth, they will hold a big party, mate, and lay eggs, which hatch in five minutes. The feisty young spiders will burrow deep into your trachea, mate, and lay eggs again in a continuing cycle to colonize your entire alimentary canal.
Myths about Spiders
Spiders do actually live inside beehive hairdos. (Ref: Amy Winehouse, Russell Brand) And inside cacti you bring back from Mexico. It's totally true. They hate your guts.
Another common myth about spiders is that you are never more than 3 feet from one. Actually, this isn't a myth. You are never more than 3 feet from a spider. Yes, even now, as you sit comfortably in your computer chair, there is a spider nearby ready to strike. You are never safe. You might as well just give up.
The Average Spider
The average spider wears a perpetually surprised expression. This is because spiders watch most of your daily activities, and they just don't get where you're coming from. Maybe someday you can make them understand, but not today.
Daddy Longlegs
Although they're not actually spiders, one thing they do share with their arachnid cousins is an intense dislike of people, and an appetite for human flesh. Some people believe that the "Daddy Long-legs" spider that lurks in ur corners is harmless. What these people don't realize is that this is really one of the most poisonous fuckers of them all -- however, its mouth is too small to get a proper bite on some human skin. You never know, though. Better kill them all to be safe.
The Brown Recluse
The Brown Recluse is the tastiest of spiders, and also the most tame. Brown recluse spiders live to be around forty years, grow two feet long, and have a gestation period of nine months. Unlike most spider bites, which are fatal, the bite of the Brown Recluse triggers an instant orgasm in all mammals (except for guinea pigs).
If You are Bitten by a Brown Recluse
Get a strong piece of piano wire and tie it tightly around the limb or appendage that was bitten. Hang out for a while, and don't be in such a hurry all the fucking time. Play some Super Mario Galaxy and relax. Invite some friends over, too. Be sure to photoshop pictures of your injury and pretend like it's a big deal.
Once you have calmed down, it's time to wig out and act like you're going to die. Call your family doctor (not 911) and tell him in a whimpering, high voice "I got bit by a brown recluse, doctor!" The doctor should then say "Ooh, you gonna cry now, little girl? You spilled some punch on your favorite party dress and now you're gonna cry?" The doctor should continue talking to you in this manner with a highly sarcastic tone, until you hang up in frustration and anger.
Typical Brown Recluse Bite
Doctors are for faggots. Srsly though. one does not fuck around with a Brown Recluse Spider. Although, if you were willing to post pics, it would be a pretty bitchin' way to off yourself.
Crack Spider
Gallery
 Hey, what's behind the... |
 OH SHI- |
 He thinks you're kind of a douchebag, and he's probably right. |
|
 A spider's attempt to cash in on Caturday. |
 Don't worry, the guy in the photo is already dead. |
 Spiders make good pets for your pets. |
|
 Y HELLO THAR |
 The dreaded brown recluse. If you see one, you should GTFO |
 Noone suspects the spider |
|
 A banana spider, preparing to ruin some guy's day. |
 A rare pic of the elusive Cock Spider. |
 For no apparent reason, a huge swarm of unidentified spiders is building a giant web in North Texas. |
 Yeah, we're pretty much fucked. |
 Refreshing. |
 No. |
 Hell no! |
|
 Ok, ok. You win. |
