Internet stalking

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At least a hundred years ago, the term "stalker" actually meant someone hiding in your bushes and following you to the grocery store; now it's simply a misnomer referring to those who know how to effectively use the Google search engine. 16 year old girls like to say they have "Internet stalkers" when really it's just someone Googling their name, trying to find n00ds.

It is never a legitimate concern.

Stalking is also the act of posting non-private, publicly available information, usually easily discernible from an LJ page. Such an act usually warrants the leveling of a stalking charge. There is a statistically-proven 99.9% chance that a person talking about stalking or being stalked is simply an attention whore.

Contents

Who is a Stalker?

Your typical Stalker.
Stalkers are people who have basic Google skills and show them by pasting juicy links and funny web-fodder about people. Information used by stalkers is invariably information easily found on the Internets, often posted by the stalkee himself. For example, this is an example of someone stalking Girlvinyl/Frienditto.

Here is an example of internet stalking in action:

Who is a Target?

This question has been analyzed by e-Psychiatrists for generations. Stalkees are usually female attention whores filled with unwarranted self-importance. They usually exhibit characteristics of a drama queen. Targets also post ridiculous amounts of private information in public forums, such as on LiveJournal or gurl sites. They don't even realize that they are showing way too much of themselves.

In the video above, Sarah Evans ("Soccer Girl" or soccergirl8888) of Phoenix, Arizona thought she could be safe after she refused to tell "Alex Gomez" what school she attended. "Alex Gomez" then used her instant messenger nickname to look up her "MyFreeSpace." That listed her e-mail address and real first name. "Alex" then Googled "Soccergirl@forest.com" to find her real name and home phone number. Then he googled her phone number to find her address. The man then proceeded to deceive and stalk Sarah Evans before having his way with her (surprise sex), and then finding himself partyvanned. If Sarah Evans had not posted all of that info about herself, then "Alex Gomez" would have never targeted her.

Do I have to worry about being stalked?

No and here are the main reasons that you should be thankful for these facts:
1. No one likes you.
2. No one cares about your existence.
4. You are Jewish.
6. You fail at life.

What to do if Someone is Internet Stalking You

If someone is stalking you on the internets and you want them to stop, you have several options:

  1. Acknowledge you have a victim mentality.
  2. If you're on LiveJournal, complain to LJ Abuse.
  3. Take the stalker to Internet court.
    1. Hire Internet lawyers.
    2. Send stalker to Internet jail.
  4. Get an Internet tough guy to e-beat the stalker up.
  5. Make fun of them like this
  6. Tell them to leave you alone because you know a cop!

What to do if You are Stalking Someone

If you are, or about, to start stalking someone, please consider the following:

  1. Utilize various techniques, don't just google them.
  2. Their BFF's MySpace page is not blocked to you.
  3. Consider using traditional (get up off your ass) methods of stalking.
  4. ????.
  5. PROFIT

Or better still, just become an hero.

Internet Stalking versus Traditional Stalking

Stalkers: There's one behind every cute girl

Internet stalking is often belittled by stalking traditionalists since it lacks a personal touch one can only achieve with IRL stalking (like ejaculating onto someone's window while you watch them undress, making shrines out of everyday items they throw away, and, finally, raping and murdering them). In many states, Internet stalking is not a recognized event in their annual stalking championships, despite continued lobbying by the federal stalking taskforce. Wiki stalking is a recognized sport on Wikipedia where the top stalkers gain cash prizes or adminship.

He found your address via WHOIS.

Quotes

 
“ 		 
Anyone can be found on the internet, you're just not trying hard enough.
  		„
 

—Kinspin, Newgrounds user.

Some Famous Internet Stalkings

  • Mediacrat and RealAdrian were each stalked by at least 100 different LJ users.
  • Meele was stalked and bad-touched by the Phantom of the Opera.
  • Each 16 year old girl has been stalked many times—usually whenever anybody reads her user info page.
  • karen2205 who stalked girlvinyl.
  • cracky-chan was stalked by half the /b/-tards in the universe, especially WT Snacks.
  • Sam Dashefsky stalking Paris Hilton.
  • Devin of Rum and Tweed was known for numerous and efficient internet stalkages. These ended after she, through a clerical error, actually stalked herself for significant period of time. Naturally, this scarring experience numbered her days as a professional stalkiatrist.
  • Samsara and Miltopia both accuse the other of stalking them.
  • MONGO and most of Wikipedia accuse Miltopia of stalking them.
  • Ben Burch once edited Violet Blue's Wikipedia page and she slapped him with a restraining order. Apparently, allowing her dolt of a boyfriend to edit her Wikipedia page is a threat to poor Violet Blue's personal safety.

Stalkers

External links



Internet stalking
is part of a series on serious business

Internet Law • Internet disease • Internet drama • Internet stalking • Identity theft • Irony • Free Speech • Swatting • Operation Falcon Punch

Serious People & Organizations
Internet tough guy • Internet asshole • Internet lawyer • Internet Vigilante Group • Internet Celebrities • Internet humanitarians • World Wide Web Consortium • ACMA • WEB SHERIFF • Psychopath • Vloggerheads • Alan Turing • Hallcats Squadron • Grace Saunders • Maja Schmidt • Mikeroach113 • David Hockey • Casey Serin • Kittens • TightRope

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