Steam

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Warning!:
The future of gaming is here and it sucks.

Steam is a base for 13 year old boys to practice their Pwning skills. Steam is used to purchase shitty games to play on the internet, even if the game has no online options. It is alleged that Valve has created Steam for the sole purpose of raping people's computers, market their half-assed games, and forcibly download software onto your computer that fucks up everything else. Amazingly, people enjoyed this and later, out of pure spite, more companies have hopped aboard the Steam train, with hopes of ~~fame and~~ fortune.

One of those to sell their soul to Steam is PopCap Games. This company attempts to push 2D arcade games for 10 bucks each, trying to cover this up by giving them shiny graphics, lame gimmicks, and alternate names.

Today, Steam's games are filled up with prepubescent fucks and overweight adults whose only real comfort in life is landing that leet headshot and using hax.

1 Shitty Games A to Z
2 Fuck Ups
3 More Fuck Ups
4 Steam Cloud
5 See also

[edit] Shitty Games A to Z

Common Gmod activity

You can play Half Life using Steam.

Anything by PopCap - Why pay $10 for a flash game I can find on the internet?
Call of Duty - 20 bucks my ass. I can get it for 10 at Best Buy.
Counter-Strike - A clusterfuck of prepubescent children. Famous for the useless shit people stick on their servers. Also home of Myg0t fags and according to Hilary Clinton causes the most School Shootings after Doom.
DEFCON' - Nuclear holocaust has never been so boring.
Day of Defeat - Call of Duty minus singleplayer. Doesn't use the swastika for the Germans even though its a fucking WWII shooter.
Day of Defeat: Source - Same as above, but now with BETTER GRAPHICS and moar faggotry, and it now uses TEH ORANGE BAWKS ENGINE OMFG, now everyone will BAWWWWWWWW about how low their FPS (Frames per Second) they're getting from their own shitty at least 100 year old computer. Also in the Beta, shoot rockets at movable props to instantly win.
Deathmatch Classic - Quake, with Gordon Freeman.
Garry's Mod - A sandbox mod for HL2. Used to put Half Life characters in sexual positions as a masturbatory aid.
Half-Life - You need to kill aliens trying to take over the world. Real fuckin' original, eh?
Half-Life 2 - You failed to kill everything in the last one so you need to kill the Combine thats taken over the world.
Half-Life: Source - Just like original Half-Life, but with Source and Ragdoll Physics OMGLOL!!111 But no graphical enhancements, this pisses off graphicfags so that they're making a mod with it.
Half-Life 2: Episode 1 - You failed again so you need to kill MOAR Combine and aliens, but this time there's a girl with you!
Half-Life 2: Episode 2 - You failed AGAIN. You blew up shit and now you need to GTFO. Also you have a shitty car thats busted up, so that it looks like a strider got to it before you fucking did.
Half-Life Deathmatch: Source - You go around killing other people with no other goals, pretty boring huh?
Half-Life 2: Deathmatch - Same as the first one but you use a GRAVITY GUN to shoot toilets at people.
Half-Life Blue Shift - You're in the original Half Life but you're a SECURITY GUARD! WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?
Half-Life Opposing Force - They're not done milking HL1 yet. Now you're an soldier, but you never get to run around killing innocent scientists at will. Thats bullshit.
Peggle Extreme - THE. GREATEST. GAME. EVER. Because it's Peggle, with Gordon Freeman, Heavy Weapons Guy, and GlaDOS
Portal - You create shaped holes and jump through them. Seriously, this is all you do. Despite this, it still manages to be the best game created in the last 100 years.
Ricochet - You jump from platform to platform in a black void throwing Frisbees at people. Despite the Frisbee mechanic, you will most likely just fall to your death. A lot.
Team Fortress Classic - Like every other god damn shooter Valve makes but with different looking weapons.
Team Fortress 2 - Like Team Fortress Classic, but it sucks ~~less~~ ~~MOAR~~ LESS dick and has Looney-Tunes graphics. This is the video game equivalent to Brokeback Mountain..
X2: The Threat - You fly through space in really slow space ships going from space station to space station making deliveries and getting in 20 minute dogfights with the Kha'ak
X3: Reunion - The same as above, but now you can use the mouse in the GUI! Holy shit!

[edit] Fuck Ups

If you're experiencing massive lag and problems with Steam please do the following:

1) Get a job.

2) Buy a better computer.

3) Subscribe to a > 56 kbs internets service provider.

4) Unplug your microphone (this is for our benefit not yours.)

5) Fuck yourself with aforementioned microphone.

6) Uninstall Steam and move out of your parent's house.

7) ????

8) PROFIT!!!

[edit] More Fuck Ups

Late last year, a couple of newfags learned that you shouldn't download beta software onto your computer, especially from a pile of faggotry such as Steam. This resulted in massive amount of butt hurt and the possibility of an new hero.

[edit] Steam Cloud

Steam Cloud.

Steam Cl... GOATSE!

Valve developers had no idea of what to do next. One of them suddenly awoke in the brainstorming room and threw the idea of making something so Steam victims could bring their fucks everywhere with them. They call it Steam Cloud and you can upload your saves and stuff. That's all. Well you may also leave your computer and go try to get a life, you faggot.