Steve Jobs
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Steve Jobs (Steve Joobs) is the world's second greatest douchebag, the bearer of the Reality Distortion Field, the man who broke Woz's heart, and the man whose company (Apple) had to be paid by Microsoft to stay in business. He is also the great messiah of Apple and the mysterious power behind homosexuals. Steve Jobs is the world's most loveable asshole. His real name was Berkley Blue until 1976, when his co-workers renamed him "Jobs" due to him being handy or something, in more ways than one...
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[edit] Beginnings
Steve Jobs got his start at Atari. Through this gig, Jobs helped Nolan Bushnell (a widely known Faggot), propagate furryism -- and get Woz to do all the work for him. When he wasn't working, he was making Bell very angry by selling blue boxes to the masses. Eventually, he discovered that Woz was building a computer and so, catching a whiff of the scent of money, he convinced Woz to quit his job at Hewlett Packard in order to start Apple.
[edit] First Tenure at Apple
Steve Jobs's time at Apple was spent hiring Pepsi salesmen, making fun of his underlings' virginity, and ranting against IBM. Jealous of the fact that Woz got to do all the cool shit, Steve worked on the Apple /// and the Lisa (named after his estranged daughter) -- both of which flopped. Wandering around for more stuff to do, he discovered that Jef Raskin was working on the Macintosh. Knowing that glory was to be had, he sent out spies to intrude into the heart of Xerox. This was how the GUI was born.
It was here at Apple that Jobs revealed the Reality Distortion Field -- convincing everyone who worked on the Mac that they were "artistes" and therefore 1337. IRL, this would be known as being a "cult leader". Unfortunately, the Reality Distortion Field obfuscates the time-space continuum.
In 1985, the Macintosh was introduced, which to this day still rapes people with the "This program has unexpectedly quit for no fucking reason. All information was lost. Haha." message. It was overpriced, had no colour, had no hard drive, and its only appeal was that it made everyone want to join an Orwellian totalitarian regime. No one bought it. Jobs therefore blamed the Pepsi salesmen for not doing their jobs. Subsequently, Jobs was kicked out of Apple.
[edit] The Truth Behind Jobs' Firing
While Scully the Pepsi Pusher was behind Jobs getting outsted from the company he helped found, he actually brought it all on himself. When the Macintosh was in development, it was designed with a color screen in mind, However, the only company in the world that made color monitors with the resolution *and* small size that the Mac required was a Jap company that didn't want to sell cheap to the gaijin. The company sensei agreed to speak directly with Jobs to work out a deal, but Jobs showed up coked to the gills and was tossed out the door by a bunch of corporate ninjas. When he came back empty-handed, Apple was forced to release the Mac without color, and then told Mac users that "real computer users don't need color screens!". This was viewed as an excuse only a color blind junkie could have come up with, which is what Jobs happened to be. Scully took the rumors, found the proof, and then handed it to the Apple Board of Dipshits a ton of paper trails showing how Jobs had embezzled millions to fund his coke and LSD habits, as well as removing all the colors from the break rooms and cubes so his serfs couldn't see what he couldn't see.
[edit] NeXT
Trying to prove that Apple's success was no fluke, Steve Jobs therefore founded NeXT. NeXT's claim to fame was a toaster that cost $10 million and a program that made *nix look pretty. No matter that NeXT was not profitable. Every geek who means anything owned a NeXT box at one time or another -- even though only one person ever bought one.
Historians would later call this Jobs's blue period.
[edit] Pixar
In 1986, Steve Jobs heard that his good buddy George Lucas was going through a divorce. Reaching into his wallet and giving him a crisp $10 million bill (the very one that was bought by the sole owner of the NeXT toaster), he bought Lucasfilm's animation division. Renaming the company Pixar, Jobs promptly forgot he ever owned it. For this reason, he became an billionaire when Pixar went public.
[edit] Second Tenure at Apple
Again using the Reality Distortion Field, Steve Jobs convinced Gil Amelio to buy out NeXT. Then, after hiring hitmen to kill Jean-Louis Gassee (founder of the BeOS), he forced Gil Amelio's resignation from Apple by placing a bloodied dogcow's head in Mr. Amelio's bed while he was sleeping. This is how he became CEO of Apple.
It was then discovered that Jobs was actually Jesus Christ when he started selling jellybean computers, creating Mac OS X with his bare hands, and releasing the iPod to the world. He is also Luke Skywalker even though he embraced the darkside when he allowed Microsoft to buy $150 million worth of Apple stock. During this time, Jobs also discovered U2 and Ellen Feiss.
In June 2005, Steve Jobs provoked millions of Macintosh fanboys to slit their wrists when they discovered that Apple was having hot gay sex with Intel (see OSx86).
[edit] Steve Jobs vs. Nine-Year-Old Girl
Recently some nine-year-old girl was listening to some Metallica on her iPod Nano when she had some ideas to improve the device, such as lyrics and some other bullshit. So she sent a letter to Steve Jobs offering her suggestions. Three months later Steve Jobs told her that her idea sucked ass and that nobody would buy it and that they would sue her if she ever tried to suggest anything again. The little girl was crushed under the might of Steve Jobs, never to be seen again.
[edit] Steve Jobs has AIDS
After years of hard anal sex with his fellow mac faggots, Steve Jobs got the AIDS, but no one cares because its not cool as cancer. Soon he will trade his macbook air and iphone for Broth Soup, A Robe to clothe his frail body and a dog. Of course he won't be able to feed that dog since he is going to be too busy dying and getting his AZTs. Already he's losing a shitload of weight. Pretty soon his t-cell count will be lower than Crapple's stock!
- ValleyFag shows him slowly dying due to AIDS - Unfortunately the pool wasn't closed.
[edit] Things Steve Jobs has invented
Perhaps most important of all things Steve Jobs has done is the hundreds of things he has invented to advance mankind with his bare hands. These include, but are not limited to:
- Computers
- MP3 Players
- Touchscreens
- Camera Phones
- Internet browsing on a cell phone
- The only existing alternative to Microsoft
- Apple I
- Apple II
- The clever line, "Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."
- Penis_into_anus
- AIDS
