Super Smash Bros

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Blazesonic's wet dream.

Every Gamefag's wet dream.

Brawl - Falco - any quality in graphics whatsoever + MS Paint + Krystal + SpongeBob Squarepants = one fantard's wet dream

Super Smash Bros. is a shit-tastic party game (although tourneyfags and Nintendo fanboys would have you believe it's a serious fighting game), where all the characters are from various faggoty Nintendo games, which allows up to four Nintendo fags (or two tourneyfags) to realize their dreams of pitting Link against Mario in a fight to the death. The games, Super Smash Bros. 64, Super Smash Bros. Melee and Super Smash Bros. Brawl, cause much nerd rage over how they should be played. Brawl is also the first game in the series to let third party characters in as well, which has opened the floodgates of fags like Blazesonic who want to see every character in every game ever in Brawl.

The object of the game is to knock other players off the arena using your skills, and if you're not a Tourneyfag, a variety of weapons, in a variety of locations (unless you're a tourneyfag, in which case your choice of locations has been drastically narrowed down for you). Tourneyfags play with Fox only, no items, on Final Destination (or any place similar in the case of Super Smash Bros. Brawl).

Super Smash Brothers

Not playable to make room for more gay.

The game that started the series. Since the internet was at the time confined to small clusters of like-minded individuals, there was no horrific shitstorm involved with its release. It only had a cast of 12:

• Mario - Plays exactly like Ryu from Street Fighter. Given a new move in Brawl which only lets him shoot water at his opponents.

• Luigi - Plays exactly like Ken from Street Fighter. Given a new move in Melee but only causes him to kill himself, the emo fag. Is secretly Dio Brando because his Final Smash in Brawl is Za Warudo.

• Link - He can't wait to bomb some Dodongos [1].

• Donkey Kong - Plays like an ape, and has a HUGE penis.

• Kirby - Despite looking like a stupid pink piece of shit, he is actually the best character in the game, if only because Sakurai created him. Also, like Yoshi, he is imbued with the ability to consume his enemy and absorb said enemy's abilities. The aforementioned opponent may then be dislodged after a period of time; with Kirby retaining teh Falcon punch. Also, Kirby is a known cockbite and will suck yo dick fo a dollah.

• Yoshi - Kills his enemies by eating them and shitting them out, preferably on the ledge of the level.

• Samus - She doesn't take off the suit in this one. Massive cockblock. People still fapped to her anyway. When Captain Falcon does a certain move, he grabs her tits. Coincidence?

• Fox McCloud - Tourneyfag favorite, stopped being used when Tourneyfags made Melee their official game instead.

• Pikachu and Jigglypuff - They do Pokemon stuff, right down to only having 4 attacks. Do I even have to say anything?

• Captain Falcon - His raison d'être is curing teen pregnancy. Many people thought he wouldn't be in Brawl because he was never confirmed in the smash bros website. Because of course, the fact that none of the original secret characters were mentioned on the website totally meant that they'd be left out. Tourneyfags now call him worthless because HE CAN'T DO COMBOS. In every game in the series, his Up-B move causes him to GRAB TITS, spawning many lulz and various YouTube videos.

• Ness - So few attacks that he steals everything from the other characters in Earthbound. Can throw a lighting bolt straight into his ass. This is because his final boss in the games quotes from rape snuff porn.

The final boss is a giant, universe-raping hand who later moonlights as a minor boss in Kirby games.

Because of the small cast, everyone except tourneyfags became bored and soon Sakurai began work on the next installment.

Super Smash Brothers Melee

As you can see, pretty much every level is banned.

Ike and one of his friends

Because the internets was popular at this point, the game was watched closely the instant it was mentioned by a random employee of Nintendo. It adds 13 to the original roster of 12, most of which caused a shitstorm, mainly since half of these were clones of an existing character and were from so out of nowhere that they had to have been fake. First, the non-clones:

• Peach - Mario's bitch, taking a break from being kidnapped by Bowser. Does retarded shit like throwing vegetables and showing some panty.

• Bowser - Mario's nemesis, pissed off because he can't kidnap Peach. Moves and controls like a lardass. Breathes fire.

• Mewtwo - An evil bastard Pokemon. Despite being THE MOST POWERFUL POKEMON EVAR, he gets knocked around like a bitch. Not returning to Brawl due to how much he sucks Tourneyfag balls.

• Zelda - Link's bitch, see Peach, replace Bowser with Ganon. Transforms into Sheik. Also shows some panty pants.

• Sheik - Zelda's ninja-esque alter-ego, looks exactly like her name sounds. Transforms back into Zelda. Used to be the tourneyfag's favorite character to play as before the discovery of wavedashing. Returns in Brawl with boob implants.

• Mr. Game and Watch - The only nigger in the game, besides Donkey Kong. In Brawl, his final smash is Tentacle Rape.

• Marth - The heroine hero Girly Man of the Japanese strategy game Fire Emblem. Because not much is known about the series elsewhere, he is a mysterious swordsman, and is a favorite of sephirothfags the world over. Also, every Tourneyfag is gay for Marth. Melee is actually the first game where he wears no pants. His Final Smash in Brawl, Critical Hit, is overpowered as fuck. He is 50th on the Brawl man tier.

• Ice Climbers - Two characters, but you only control one of them. The other one attacks the wrong way and jumps off the edge at the earliest opportunity, and once she's dead, the remaining one is useless. They're basically a slap in the face to nostalgiafags who wanted their favorite unsung character in the game but instead got someone else's favorite unsung character.

There's also a number of 'clone' characters who preform just like other characters with minor differences.

• Falco - The most annoying fucking character from Starfox(excluding Slippy that little fucker), like Fox but not as broken. Returns to Brawl with a Landmaster and a Boston accent.

• Ganondorf - See Bowser, replace Mario with Link and Peach with Zelda. Slow, powerful, and shitty version of Captain Falcon. He is now more of a nigger than Game and Watch could ever be as his ->+B allows him to choke out whiyt wimminz like Zelda and Samus, his ^+B is still rape, and his Warlock Punch is now a back hand. Unfortunately, Ganondorf misplaced his sword right before he joined the battle in Melee. He brought his sword in Brawl, but doesn't use it. People tend to make fun of Ganondorf for this.[2]

• Pichu - Like Pikachu only every attack it does hurts itself. Sakurai even makes note of this.

• Roy - Exactly like Marth only his neutral - B explodes. Added as viral marketing, removed because he's not the newest Fire Emblem character any more (This will likely happen to Ike, too) and no one likes him. BAWWWW HE SUCKS IN HIS OWN GAME AND HAS NO TIPPER!

• Young Link - Do I even need to say it? Attacks are just crappy versions of normal Link's. Got major plastic surgery and now looks stupid. See Toon Link.

• Dr. Mario - OH COME ON YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUCKING TRYING ANYMORE, SAKURAI. At least Sakurai had the fucking decency to remove him from the next game. On the plus side he can use his megavitamins to determine that they have pig aids

Also, Melee features an adventure mode where there's actual side-scrolling levels and shit to do besides knock people off of ledges and instead knock generic enemies off screen (and knock people off of ledges). Final bosses include a fucked up version of the hand from the first game, and a giant mega-sized mutant version of Bowser who dies to Jigglypuff's ultimate ability, Rest, which kills everyone in the game ever but only if they're right next to it when it pulls off the move. Also introduces B - Forward moves, dodging, and wavedashing. With this game, the tourneyfags were satisfied, but the world wanted moar.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl

Typical scene from Super Smash Bros. Brawl, illustrating the line "The monkey wants to hug him" from the theme song.

Trophies are fun to collect

Also known as the game that launched a million shitstorms. Rather than release information in a huge chunk near the game's release date, updates were slowly added every weekday at a mystical hour known as Japan Time, which is 3 2 3 1/0 AM EST. Updates can range from absolutely epic to things such as "how to jump". When Hong Kong got their hands on the game a flood of leaks hit the tubes, supplying more exciting information in 24 hours than the entire year Dojo was up and running. Sakurai seemed to be using Brawl to express his hatred of anything related to the Mother series of games, from trolling the fans to shoving everything into two character and one stage.

Before the release date, literally hundreds of shoops and unreliable claims were made about the size of the roster and which characters would occupy it. In the end, there were only 35 characters. Only four of the new characters weren't revealed during Japan Time, and three of them are clones. The original twelve from Super Smash Bros are still in, but some of them require to be unlocked for some unknown reason. Also returning are eight unlockable characters from Melee; Peach, Bowser, Zelda (and Sheik), Ganondorf, Marth, Falco, Mr. Game and Watch, and just to piss everyone off, the Ice Climbers. Thus leaving only the characters that nobody cares about or sucked too much that aren't coming back. Other characters include:

Give Santa a push.

Not entertaining or funny.

All your base are belong to us

It was the first thing that came to his mind.

...Wait, what?

You know you'd hit that.

What happens when you get last place.

Zero Suit Samus

Gameplay from Brawl.

• Zero Suit Samus - Finally, she can take her suit off. Briefly pissed off tourneyfags because they would have to use an item to get her, until it was confirmed that YOU CAN START AS HER BY HOLDING DOWN BUTTONS. Pretty much the only reason tourneyfags pause the game. Snake approves to cover up his gayness.

• Wario - Mario's even fatter anti-hero counterpart. However, instead of being a Mario clone he uses moves based off WarioWare. Therefore, fanboys of the game scream for another character from the game to be playable. Final smash: eats garlic, becomes a cross dresser (superhero?)

• Pit - After a few dicks, here he is. Pit is the star of Kid Icarus, a two-game deal that is to this day a feat of game design and innovation. His inclusion has spawned over 9000 poorly drawn rape fanart with characters from all over the SSB universe. Only got in because Kid Icarus was Sakurai's favorite game. Also got rejected in the last two games. final smash:calls in an army of flying midgets wile the only pussy he can get floats in the background.

• Ike - The tourneyfags will tell you that he is nothing more than n00b fodder, but they are just butthurt that the n00bs can easily beat a tourneyfag using him. That is because he is one of the best characters evar. No complicated techniques are required (unless you don't suck cock), just hit of the three smash buttons near an opponent and watch them fly. He is one of the mains from the latest Fire Emblem, only he's a heavyweight this time. Shown being raped by Snake. The first new character to be revealed in Japan Time, but noone knew who the fuck he was because the Gamecube had no games. Now the most overused character in Wi-Fi matches. /v/ often takes note of the fact that he fights for his friends and one should prepare themselves not to expect any sympathy from him. Final smash: basically a roadi kick where he brings them into the air and pussy kicks them off the screen.

• Pokemon Trainer - Uses his Pokemon (bitches): Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard. Those are actually who you play as. The trainer just stands there and issues commands like a pussy. This is because if he fought himself he'd get his ass kicked and get raped hard time, JUST LIKE IN THE GAMES.final smash: one way gang bang.

• • Squirtle - A dog shit Pokemon. Its trademark sunglasses, along with some advanced techniques such as shellshitting make Squirtle a tourneyfag favorite. Like Mario, he enjoys squirting his water during matches.

• • Ivysaur - A blunt smokin' Pokemon. Noone had ever heard of this thing except as it relates to its unevolved form, Tom Green.

• • Charizard - A deep throating Pokemon. Famous for disobedience and shooting panang curry out of its nostrils. It is said that if the flame on its tail ever goes out, it will become an hero.

• Diddy Kong - A freakin' pussy who chucks bananas and peanuts at people. He squeals and screams like a little schoolgirl because monkeys hit puberty at a much later age. He also has a move where he jumps on peoples faces and forces them to please him. Final smash: flies around on a jet pack shooting nuts out of a penis small wooden cylinders. WHAT THE FUCK

• Meta Knight - Kirby's mysterious rival that looks just like Kirby under the mask. Turns off the lights and raeps people with his sword for his Final Smash. More importantly, he has created considerable drama by being so good a character that tourneyfags everywhere are calling for Meta Knight's ban from tournaments.

• King Dedede - Fatass bellyslapping penguin with no legs and a mallet. In the Kirby series he is essentially just a giant troll, stealing food for the lulz. Added because Sakurai has to have the entire cast of his own series in Brawl. If that wasn't enough, Sakurai himself provided the voice acting for Dedede, because Dedede is really just the video game version of Sakurai - that being a fat troll with a banhammer aimed towards the tourneyfags. To top it all off, the tourneyfags have ranked him as the 4th best character in the game, behind Meta Knight, Snake, and Fox's birdie buttbuddy.

• Pikmin & Olimar - Midget on steroids. He's supposed to be 2 inches tall but knowing how much Sakurai loves to piss people off, resized him in order to fit. Also knowing that he'd get pwnd since he can't fight himself, he uses his nigger slaves "Pikmin" to do his dirty work for him. By throwing his slaves on to his opponents, they latch on and start furiously raping the person to death. Tourneyfags will label him as bottom tier because they're butthurt that he can cancel all their cheap spikes by using his slaves to grab the edge and pwn.

• Lucas - From Mother 3, a game Nintendo refuses to release outside of Japan mostly for the lulz Disregard that, there's a english patch released since last month. Looks just like Eddie from Fisher-Price's Little People. Causes a shitstorm among Earthbound fans because they're all worried he'll replace Ness. Luckily for them, that didn't happen since Sakurai was held at gunpoint during the development of the game. In his character description it reads "the Japan-only game Mother 3." Sakurai is dangling him in front of them as if to say "HAHA YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS." Also Sakurai uses pretty much every chance he gets to have Lucas abused in various ways because he enjoys trolling Earthbound fans the most since Earthbound is the reason Sakurai couldn't green light another SNES Kirby game before it died of old age. Though that Mother fanboy on Yoshilore, Mini-Moog, claims that Lucas was a needed character for the game. And as Sakurai is a massive troll to Mother fans, he has given Lucas both autism AND ADD, which is noticeable in the cutscene where he stares at empty space after nearly being pwned by a statue, meaning his friend Ness has to dive and save his blonde ass.

• Lucario - No, not a DBZ style fusion of Lucas and Wario. This completely original Pokemon replaced Mewtwo, which spawned a wave of hate amongst Mewtwo fans. This resulted in the butthurt Lucario fans trolling any post that was pro-Mewtwo (like that Lucario-obsessed faggot, Sir-Lucario on DeviantART). Like Ness and Jigglypuff, Lucario was accidentally revealed in actual Brawl footage. His final Smash, the Marshmallow Power, is clearly NOT a ripoff of the Kamehameha wave from DBZ. Unleashes the FUCKING FURY when getting pwnt, but is very easy to kill at that point. Most of his fans have a fetish for his footpads.

• R.O.B. - In because Sakurai wanted to troll the living shit out of everybody. I NO AWESUM RITE? R.O.B. is a novelty character who is also the only console to ever appear as a playable fighter in any game. His plastic ass won't make the next game.

A new variety of taunts have been made for the new installment:

Unknown to many, Peach is a slut and Zelda is a Tourneyfag. That's not Weegee, you can't just draw him yourself.

Even moar

Note, Gay and Twatch's niggerdom proved via fap. Also, fail random meme spouting.

The game is also somewhat notable for including two non-Nintendo characters in the roster.

Seriously, you could balance a plate of drinks on that thing.

Snake does the "Ass-Dance".

• Snake - Included mainly because Hideo Kojima begged Sakurai to put him in the game. His incredibly burly ass is a source of much hate amongst the tourneyfags, because he can win with just two moves. Sakurai also made Snake hate Sonic in a Codec convo, thereby punching all the Sonic fantards in the dick.

• Sonic - Confirmed at least 100 weeks after Snake was confirmed. Despite this news was of no surprise by anyone, bricks were still shat. This happened most notably, in the Brawl message boards on gamefags, otherwise known as the place that /b/ will become if the cancer isn't stopped. Sonic's the name, speed's my game...The only line in Brawl not by a Nintendo character created by sheer faggotry. A favorite to compete against by Tourneyfags. And now with the Final Smash made by putting Sega, Namco, and Bandai in the same bed, yeey!

Sakurai said that there was supposed to be three non-Nintendo characters, but was too lazy to program another character so he said 'Fuck that shit' and decided not to put another character in, along with Geno.

Oh, and despite the fact that Sakurai said there would be no more clones, he added clones anyway to fill up the roster, and of course, to troll everyone.

• Toon Link - "Toon" Link? Are you shitting me? Exactly the same as Young Link, except with an extra helping of Kawaii and gayness...and he doesn't drink milk when he taunts. At least he doesn't get treated like Midna's bitch, unlike that faggot Realistic Link. I didn't mean that, I'm just being a toon fag.

• Wolf - Sakurai, apparently, was being threatened by butthurt tourneyfags for having Fox nerfed. So in order to make the tourneyfags and the furries happy, he decided to make 2 clones of Fox, one of them being Wolf. he adds Wolf, who just barely plays in his own style. Sakurai was also too fucking lazy to give him a unique B-moveset and Final Smash. NO D00D! HE'Z A COMPLETELY 100% DIFFERENT CHARACTER!!!1 JUST ASK WhiteTigerz AND GEKITOUNARUTO53 ON DeviantART!!!!!!!11 THEY SEZ THAT PIT, YOSHI, PEACH, KING DEDEDE, ZERO SUIT SAMUS, WARIO, LINK, TOON LINK, ROB, CAPT. FALCON, SHEIK, MR. GAME AND WATCH, GANONDORF, WEEGEE AND MARIO ARE ALL CLONES IF WOLF IS ONE!!!!!!!!!!111111

Final Smash

In the first two games, Captain Falcon had an unfair advantage due to the ownage that is the Falcon Pouawnch. Because of this, Saruki gave all of the characters a move known as a Final Smash into Brawl in order to level the playing field. Captain Falcon is worse than everyone else, though, if you believe a certain group of players...

• Mario Finale (a.k.a. Mario Flamer) - Mario’s Final Smash. Mario launches large fireballs that burn everyone in their path. Basically it’s Mario’s “Fireball” attack with moar power.

• Negative Zone (a.k.a. Za Warudo) - Luigi’s Final Smash. Luigi inverts (and starts seeing) colors by swallowing hallucinogenic mushrooms, but instead of WRYYYYYYYing, he makes everyone retarded.

• Peach Blossom (a.k.a. LOL WUT) - Peach’s Final Smash. Peach puts everyone to sleep and grows peaches. Get it? Her name is Peach, and she drops peaches. Are I lulz yet?

• Giga Bowser (a.k.a. JESUS CHRIST! RUN!) - Bowser’s Final Smash. Bowser turns into a scary motherfucker that will fuck you up bad. No matter how much you hit him, he won't budge an inch, and will just kill you.

• Konga Beat (a.k.a. Kongrolled) - Donkey Kong’s Final Smash. DK Kongrolls everyone with the DK Country theme song. He uses the shitty Konga Drums from his awful games that noone played.

• Rocketbarrel Barrage (a.k.a. Fly Like a Monkey from the Wizard of Oz) - Diddy Kong’s Final Smash. Diddy flies around with barrels and shoots peanuts at people. Seriously? Is that it? All he can shoot are fucking peanuts? Not like a gun or something? And since when can barrels help you fly? Pretty ironic considering Diddy can’t even use them to do a barrel roll.

• Super Dragon (a.k.a. Fuck You, I’m a Dragon!) - Yoshi’s Final Smash. Yoshi grows wings and breaths fire. ... Okay, why are you still reading. I’m done describing it. ... I don’t have to put a joke on every single one, you know.

• Wario-Man (a.k.a. Purple Spandex) - Wario’s Final Smash. Wario picks he's nose and he enters the fat lulzy Wario-Man suit. get's a cape and runs around protected in the suit without being able to get hurt. His moves help him float around, making him even funnier. Wario also has this lulzy ability to make a giant fart and stink. he does it for the lulz.

• Triforce Slash (a.k.a. SKRAAAAH!) - Link’s and Toon Link’s Final Smash. Link or Toon Link traps someone in between two Triforce and repeatedly slashes him or her with a sword. Link never does this in any game. Honestly, out of all 14 Zelda games, they couldn’t find a good move to be the Final Smash? What about turning into Fierce Deity Link or something? Calling in Kaebora Gaespora to talk the opponent’s head off would have been ten times cooler than this bullshit. Most likely Nintendo's attempt to quell the complaints of the Cloud fans.

• Light Arrows (a.k.a. Arrows of Light) - Zelda’s and Sheik’s Final Smash. Zelda or Sheik shoot a Light Arrow that in an instant kill. Seriously, this could have been Link’s Final Smash or something. Yes, I’m still bitching about how much the Triforce Slash sucked.

• Beast Ganon (a.k.a. Furry Ganon) - Ganondorf’s Final Smash. Instead of turning into the cool Ganon from Ocarina of Time and letting you control him, Ganondorf turns into a furry like he did in Twilight Princess and tries to rape people. His big furry cock knocks them right off the screen.

• Zero Laser (a.k.a. SHOOP DA WHOOP!!!) - Samus’ Final Smash. Samus charges her laser and shoops the motherfuckin’ whoop out of everyone. It is the second closest move to pure win in the game, right next to the almighty Falcon Punch.

• Power Suit Samus (a.k.a. IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!!!) - Zero Suit Samus’ Final Smash. Zero Suit Samus regains her Power Suit. Sure, this move sucks people in and kills them if they have enough damage, but the main point of this move is to shoop more whoop the next time you get a Smash Ball.

• Palutena’s Army (a.k.a. Gang Bang Rally) - Pit’s Final Smash. Pit calls Palutena, the hottest goddess around, and she in turn calls the Centurions to attack the opponents. The Centurions have bows, but they don’t use them. WTF is the point of carrying them, then?

• Iceberg (a.k.a. Big Fucking Ice Cube) - Ice Climbers’ Final Smash. The Ice Climbers summon a big Iceberg that hurts everyone that touches it. It is as hard as fuck to get to other people to fight. It’s also very uncreative. Oh, Ice Climbers summon a large block of ice? Really? Interesting! It’s just as creative as Link’s Triforce Slash! You thought I forgot about that, didn’t you? Well, you were wrong!

• Diffusion Beam (a.k.a. Really Cheap) - R.O.B.’s Final Smash. R.O.B. shoots out a laser (without shooping da whoop) that traps people and eventually kills them. It is very cheap because if you are on a small stage, it is hard to avoid. It’s really, really gay.

• Chef (a.k.a Vore) - Kirby’s Final Smash. Kirby puts everyone in a pot, and cooks them. He makes new shit come out when he’s done. It’s not that exciting.

• Galaxia Darkness (a.k.a. Rape Cape) - Meta Knight’s Final Smash. Meta Knight swings his cape at people, takes them into the air, and rapes them. It has a really short range, and you can lololololololololol at your friends if they miss you with it because it will happen a lot.

• Waddle Dee Army (a.k.a. Fat Lazy Bastard) - King Dedede’s Final Smash. Dedede summons Waddle Dees, Waddle Doos, and Gordos to attack everyone, while dancing like a disco reject. This attack is hit and miss. Sometimes it will own everyone, and sometimes everyone will get away. No matter what, one thing is for sure: Dedede is a lazy piece of shit and a fat fuck.

• End of Day (a.k.a. You guys suck, I quit internets. O WAIT I'M BACK) - Olimar’s Final Smash. Olimar calls his spaceship to pick him up and orbit the planet so the big scary monsters that come out at night don’t eat him but eat everyone else. Then he hits someone with the ship on the way down. Basically he does what the Challenger did, but on purpose and with better results that pwn the shit out of everyone.

• Landmaster (a.k.a. MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA) - Fox’s, Falco’s, and Wolf’s Final smash. Easily the most EPIC Final Smash in the game (next to Za Warudo, of course). Personifies the crappiness of clones in Brawl by being Fox, Falco (who personally prefers the air) and Wolf's Final Smash. Sakurai had a chance to give Falco a different machine, but instead chose to fap to pictures of King Dedede. Originally intended to be the second part of Weegee's Final Smash, but you'll have to settle for yelling WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY IRL while you just uppercut everyone.

• Blue Falcon (a.k.a. Not a Falcon Punch) - Captain Falcon’s Final Smash. Falcon calls his racer, the Blue Falcon, to hit the opponent, transporting them to a race track, where the douche bag hits the opponent again. Did I mention this attack isn’t Falcon Punch? I cannot stress that enough. Instead of the awesome divide-by-zero Falcon Punch he delivered to the Black Shadow that nearly destroyed the galaxy, he hits them with a car. Did he run over a dog one day and say, “Hey, that fucked him up pretty good! I’m gonna use that move in the next Smash Bros. game!”? Wouldn't you like to see your most hated character get face-raeped by a burning falcon?

• Volt Tackle (a.k.a. CHUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!) - Pikachu’s Final Smash. Pikachu transforms into a ball of energy that rushes around the stage. If you touch him, it will burn off your ass hairs. Protip: Don’t touch him.

• Triple Finish (a.k.a. Cheating) - Pokemon Trainer’s Final Smash. Pokemon Trainer calls Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard onto the battlefield to blast everyones ass away with Hydro Pump, Solar Beam, and Fire Blast. The last time I checked, only two Pokemon per trainer was allowed on the battlefield at a time. This is fucking cheating, and anyone who uses this move is a pussy who is too afraid to face the enemy with one Pokemon. It should of been PokeFusion go.

• Aura Storm (a.k.a. Kamehameha) - Lucario’s Final Smash. Lucario floats into the air and shoops everyone with his laser. It isn’t as effective as shooping with Samus, but you can guide this move easier. Uh, oh, yeah. IT’S POWER LEVELS ARE OVER 9000!!!

• Puff Up (a.k.a. WTF Was the Point of That?) - Jigglypuff’s Final Smash. Jigglypuss grows. Huge. That’s it. If you touch her when she deflates, it MIGHT kill you. Probably not, though. It’s not as useless as Peach’s Final Smash, though.

• Critical Hit (a.k.a. Bleepbleepbleepbleep!) - Marth’s Final Smash. Marth dashes at the enemy, hits them with his sword, apparently depleting the health bar that is just added for no reason, and K.O.s them. Be the fuck careful not to use this on level 9 computers because they'll spot dodge it and you'll fuck yourself. Protip: Move and health meter are throwbacks to the original Fire Emblem, where Marth would have a random chance of twirling his sword like a faggot and raping the shit out of his opponent. Nobody knows that, though, because they're not retarded enough to use Marth in battle.

• Great Aether (a.k.a. Nerd's Wetdream) - Ike’s Final Smash. Ike swings his sword at the enemy, launching them into the air, where he finishes them off with a fiery combo. He does this for his friends, apparently.

• PK Starstorm (a.k.a. Shitstorm) - Ness’ and Lucas’ Final Smash. Ness or Lucas yells, “PK STAAAARSTOOOOOOOOOOOORM!!!” and the sky falls down! It is easy to avoid. Ness and Lucas never even learned PK Starstorm on their games, so why can they use it in Brawl?

• Octopus (a.k.a. Tentacle Rape) - Mr. Game & Watch’s Final Smash. Mr. Game & Watch turns into a giant octopus and raeps the enemy with his tentacles. He rapes them because he is black. OCTOPUS! HOW DID I GET HERE?

• Grenade Launcher (a.k.a. Surprise, Cockfags!) - Snake’s Final Smash. Snake jumps into the air onto a lollercopter and shoots grenades at people. Fun fact: Snake does not in fact say, “Surprise, cockfags!” when he performs his Final Smash. But he should. He totally should.

• Super Sonic (a.k.a. Furry Fury) - Sonic’s Final Smash. Sonic uses the Chaos Emeralds to turn into a ultrafurfag, not to be confused with a megafurfag, and flies around, fucking shit up. Since he have evolved to the strongest form of furry faggatory there is, this attack is really strong, and you should really avoid it.

Sorry, Piggy. R.O.B. got in instead.

Potential Fighters

• Guinea Pig - Unfortunately, this guinea pig didn't make it in to the game. He was strongly considered though.

• Krystal - Why was she so badly wanted in this game, aside from the fact that she provides big-time furry fanservice?! She sucks! Literally!

• Megaman - Samus + A sex change. He apparently has robotic attachments or some shit like that.

• Hector - A Fire Emblem character from the first internationally-released game in the series, known for having anger management issues. Also a heavy character, as if we don't have any of those already. Then again, nobody outside of Japan cares who he is, because noone knows about Fire Emblem unless they're playing Smash Bros.

• Lyn - Fire Emblem's version of every generic anime girl with a sword. Emblemfags wanted her to be playable for being the first female Lord character in an international release. Not included due to there already being a speedy FE character, and to make room for more gay. Strangely enough, fans of Fire Emblem only wanted the co-stars of the first international game to be playable instead of Eliwood, the game's REAL main character. This is because Fire Emblem fans only use characters who have the highest average stats, even if that character has no personality.

• Cloud Strife - Despite never being featured in a single Nintendo game ever (except Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, but nobody gives a shit about that), every FF7 fanboy/girl has wanted Cloud and/or Sephiroth in this series since the first game. It's always so much fun to watch them whine and cry and bitch (making them just as emo as Cloud and Sephiroth) as they see their angst lords being left out over and over.

• Master Chief - See the above, and replace FF7 with Halo, "Cloud and/or Sephiroth since the first game" with "Master Chief", and drop the part about Chain of Memories and the entire last sentence.

• Mudkip - Oh come on, EVERYBODY wanted to play as Mudkip. Not included due to the fact that he'd be grossly overused.

• Ridley - Isn't he way too fucking big? HEZ BIGGER THAN KRAID!!!!11 Or maybe Sakurai hates Metroid. Maybe a little of both. Metroid fans cried anyways cause the lovable dragon was only a boss, and they all poped a blood vain.

• Geno - The best candidate for a Super Smash Bros. game, Geno was even mentioned in Sakurai's journal. Throw in the fact that he was the favorite character from Super Mario RPG and a fan-favorite of Nintendo and Square fans everywhere, he's without a doubt a character that should've gotten into Brawl. Square is too much of a pussy to let Nintendo use a character that they plan to use someday. Also left out to pwn all the Geno fagboys.

• Vivian - That one shadow-freaky lady from Paper Mario and the thousand year door. People just wanted her in because she can rape the other guys in the game like how she raped Mario.

• Cockmongler

I CAN HAS THREAD?.	Tourneyfag's / Jack Thompson's worst nightmare	Snake doing what he does best. Suprise Buttsecks!	Picture of Snake in action.
Fox's Final Smash.	Falco's Final Smash.	Wolf's Final Smash.	Toon Link's Final Smash.
Ike fights for his friends, Hannah and Gustav.	YER 2 SLO!

The Forbidden Seven

Soon after Brawl was released, some expert hackers found encoded data for seven characters, referred to as the "Forbidden Seven" that didn't make it onto the final roster because Sakurai was too lazy to finish them before the release date. These characters are:

• Mewtwo
• Roy
• Dr. Mario
• Dixie Kong
• Plusle & Minun Pra_Mai is not Plusle & Minun
• Toon Zelda
• Toon Sheik

As soon as it was discovered that Mewtwo and Roy were planned, all casualfags cried their eyes out. Everyone else was just moderately disappointed that Sakurai didn't finish adding the extra characters like he should have. The hackers tried to swap out current characters with the seven, but got nowhere because the data for these characters was incomplete.

Tabuu

The ultimate troll of the Subspace. He is the most powerful boss in the game. Basically think of him as the Anon of the Smash world, but without the legion part.

The Entire Subspace Plot in 5 seconds

A bunch of shit happens that is equal to that of some fag writing his own fanfic and throws every character known to man in it for one giant pile of steaming fail.

Here's an even shorter version:

Online Play

One of the most notable features of Brawl is supposedly, the ability to play over the Internets. One (supposedly) can play either "With Friends" in which you play with fellow basement dwellers that you obtain a special number from, or "With Anyone" in which you play with others in anonymity. Unfortunately, this is usually impossible because there is so much LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG, which lead to Ike being the best character in the game. Trolling in such settings is extremely limited, though a good way is to taunt repeatedly for the entire match, especially with Pit, Sonic, Marth, or Captain Falcon. Taking this further, if one is actually good enough, beat them a few rounds before hand. This will really piss off the tourneyfags, as they'll begin to think that you're convinced they're beneath your notice, thus dealing a grievous blow to their pride.

Typical Online in Brawl

The first thing that happens when you try to connect is you get an error screen saying "Cannot connect to the internet," even though your internet is working fine. Once you reset it, you must wait a good 20 to 50 minutes to connect, at which Nintendo will then give you your at least 100 digit identification code.

If you still have the balls to venture further into this pool of fail, you must overcome the challenge of getting to the selecting character screen and selecting your character before Nintendo unleashes the banhammer on you and throws you off their servers. If you managed to survive, you'll enter a small testing room where you must wait a good hour or 2 before another player shows up because you aren't the only one Nintendo is after. Once another player gets through Nintendo's bannings, prepare for the ultimate lagfest. Also, you won't know the name of the person you are fighting and you can't do anything like adding them as a freind because Nintendo hates fun. Anyway, The chances of you finishing the match are quite slim, as Nintendo is still out to ban you and the lag makes things unbearable, even for the biggest Nintendo fantard fuckup. You can expect these results from both "With Friends" or "With Anyone" modes, the only difference is that in With Friends mode you must enter 100 digit codes of your friends and wait a few days before the server finally realizes it's supposed to do something and register that person your friend.

tl;dr: Brawl's Online is pure fail. Only use it as a Final Solution

Features

"Screw it. Let's just hire the first applicant and call it a day."

The game features a new adventure mode that totally isn't ripping off Kingdom Hearts (coincidentally X Play says this)(interesting note the story is wrote by the same guy so he is just a lazy fuck) and all sorts of features that seem to exist purely to piss off tourneyfags, including a lack of wavedashing. GG, Sakurai. There's also Pokeball-like items called Assist Trophies that summon the aid of characters not awesome enough to be playable. Another new addition are "Final smashes", which are to Smash Bros. as super moves are to regular fighting games. There's a shitstorm generated just about every day for some reason or another. Some examples include:

• Upbeat, not fail, jazzy version of WarioWare's resident goth Ashley's song.

• The fact that the woman they got to sing the song doesn't know what the fuck.

• New Pork City because it has a one-hit-killing monstrosity lurking about. It also revealed that POKEY PORKY MINCH FROM EARTHBOUND IS IN MOTHER 3 AND IS THE MAIN VILLAIN AND QUITE OLD SINCE TIME TRAVEL DETERIORATED HIS BODY OMFG SPOILERS, because people actually had a shred of hope Nintendo would bring the game over to America.

• Pretty much every "how to play" update, for obvious reasons.

• Any update that is something already confirmed in a trailer.

• Any update that is something already confirmed in the demo.

• Any update that is an item.

• Knuckle Joe Assist Trophy, but only because the update after his was late.

• Devil Assist Trophy, because he makes the whole level move and because OMG DEVIL WORLD CHARACTER IN US NINTENDO GAME WTF.

• The new Ice Climbers stage which shows global warming.

• Any non-adventure-mode game mode update.

• Any character update that isn't Captain Falcon or Jigglypuff.

• Any update at all.

• No update at all.

Sonic the Hedgehog

The Sonic fanbase was so desperate for their beloved character to show up, a flood of photoshops such as this appeared prior to his newcumer confirmation.

Zero Suit Samus, everyone's favorite butterface, pointing out the pixels.

Sonic was confirmed on October 10, 2007, Sakurai's attempt to outdo the release of the Orange Box [Valve's latest installment of Half-Life 2: Episode 2, Portal, and Team Fortress 2]. Before Sonic was confirmed, all the retarded Sonic fanboys and fangirls were constantly discussing how awesome it would be that Sonic would be in Brawl. Going so far as creating stupid photoshops of the released trailer and claiming it as "evidence" that Sonic would be in the latest installment. Nothing could be sweeter than the suicidal cry of an entire fanbase when they realize their beloved video game character had been denied entry in their favorite cross-over fighting game, much like when Electronic Gaming Monthly magazine made an April Fool's joke in 2002 stating Sonic and Tails were unlockable characters; Unfortunately, the Sonic fans were actually right in their theories of Sonic appearing in Brawl.

Sonic's confirmation as a newcomer was paraded by his quasi-retarded fanbase, whereas the sane part of humanity thought that it was just an interesting update among all the shitty "assist trophy" and "sticker collection" bullshit updates. Making Brawl the most likely non-sucky video game featuring Sonic since the old side-scrollers, because every 3-D game ever produced by Sonic Team after Sonic Adventure is clearly insta-fail. Although now confirmed, we can still have lulz at all the shit the fanbase tried to pull off.

Sakurai, being the sneaky bastard and ninja he is, quietly changed the release date from December 3rd, 2007, to February 10th, 2008 in the midst of the fagfest from Sonic. Eventually, someone found out and the intertubes BAWWWED for the whole day, creating truckloads of lulz.

Wacky Japanese Leak

On January 21st, a disgruntled Nintendo employee took it upon himself to exact revenge upon Sakurai and his weeks of shitty updates, and edited a video which contained evidence of Ness, Jigglypuff, and Lucario. This news caused the collective internets to shit bricks and the amount of lulz skyrocketed to unknown levels. Feeling butthurt, Sakurai tried to delete fucking everything and remove said evidence, but unfortunately it was too late since it leaked all over the internets and now everyone knows. Sakurai fails at keeping things secret.

Yep...right there. Sakurai: OWNED.

so i herd u liek to play as mudkip?

Also, before those icons were blocked, Mudkip was seen, and everyone lieked it.

Falcawn...PAWNCH!

As if there was any doubt, Captain Falcon is in this installment, doing what he does best. (Black Shadow not included)

Awesome glitch that makes Captain Falcon actually useful. (Brawl)

MOAR DELAY!

Never forget.

Brawl was delayed further until March 9th, which caused just about everyone to slit their wrists. Much BAWWWWWWWWWing occurred including one retard on GameFAQs threatening to become an hero. Fans think this will allow the development team to program Mega Man into the game, however, people forget to realize that it takes more than a week to create a character. Also, people don't realize that any and all characters would have been finalized in the game at least a year ago while still in development.

Sakurai's Revenge

Sakurai giving the finger to tourneyfags on the December 3 update.

After Super Smash Bros. Melee gained a huge tournament crowd, Sakurai finally became aware of the menace that is the tourneyfag. Seeing them fag up his work really pissed him off, and while he was busy fucking around with Earthbound fans, he nobly laid out a series of epic plans to get rid of them once and for all. These included:

• Final Smashes, a new super powered attack that can only be used by turning on the Smash Ball item. Since tourneyfags don't use items, they were kind of pissed.

• Their amount of anger at Final Smashes was doubled when it was revealed that the promising new character ZSS could only be used by turning on an item. LOL HOLD R WITH GAMECUBE CONTROLLER AND YOU CAN START AS ZSS! ALSO PRESS TAUNTS UP DOWN UP TO CHANGE ANYTIME! <-- CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!!

• Special Brawl, a feature in which you can play with a lot of different options (such as having the Lip's Stick flower be on your head at all times, or always be metal, or some combination of effects). Tourneyfags haet options.

• Most of the time stickers, and rarely CDs, appear in a match as a pick up-able item, these items will always appear no matter if items are turned off or not, tourneyfags are really pissed at this fact even if they don't do anything worth shit in an actual match.

• Bringing back stages in Melee that were previously banned by tourneyfags.

• The development team nerfed Fox, making furfags and tourneyfags alike pissed.

• To top that off, Bowser has gone from shittiest character to supposedly the best character in the game. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS! In fact, Wario is the best character in the game! Meta Knight supposedly kicks ass too, but everyone saw it coming.

• Characters trip if they dash around like faggots. Also, if one tourneyfag is winning in a match, he will trip moar often than the one that's losing.

• And the biggest win of all: WAVEDASHING REMOVED. HA HA DISREGARD THAT TOURNEYFAGS HACKED THE GAME AND PUT WAVEDASHING IN BRAWL

Thanks to Sakurai's brilliant plans to eradicate the tourneyfag menace, tourneyfags are bawwing over how their precious game was 'ruined' and turning on each other like wolves. Some, like Dylan Tnga, believe that no game will ever replace Melee in the hearts of tourneyfags. Others are trying to regroup and tourneyfag up Brawl by trying to make shit IN THE DEMO like "the ink drop". Little do those tourneyfags know, the ink drop actually seems to be intentionally programmed, and if it's not a glitch then they will be unable to use it.

Review-based Drama

THE BEST REVIEW EVAR (BRAWL GETS 2 STARS OUT OF 4)

Most likely the result of a Sony zealot, "Tim Rogers" made a shitacular, trolling, tl;dr "review" on Brawl that caused quite a semi-lulzworthy shitstorms on SWF. Not being able to understand "Nintendo", Tim Rogers attempted to give an honest review on the "biggest little dollop of gruel yet slopped on the lunch tray of gamerkind." Lulz.

Some quotes from his commenters for extra lulz:

You Can't Spell Ignorance without IGN?

Events reminiscent of Jeff Gerstmann's notorious 8.8 review of Zelda: Twilight Princess have occurred once again, as IGN gives a OMG HORRIBLE rating of 9.5/10 to Brawl. While any normal person would say "Hey, that's a high rating, I bet this game will be great", many of the game's basement-dwelling fantards went batshit insane that the game didn't receive a perfect 10/10, much like a Halo nerd. However, it probably deserves much less, anyway.

Zero Punctuation

While the above reviews may have ruffled the feathers of Brawl fanboys somewhat, no reviews really disturbed them enough to spark an outrage - until the much anticipated Zero Punctuation review, that is. As was expected by any frequent viewers of the The Escapist's "Zero Punctuation" segment that had half a brain, SSBB was hanged, drawn, and quartered by reviewer Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw. Needless to say, drama, butthurt, and rampant fanboyism followed. For more, see the Zero Punctuation article.

Brawl's Closed Due To Dust and Fail

At last, March 9th came, and so did the collective Internets. As thousands of basement dwellers rushed home to play their shiny new game, a few found that for some reason, their Wiis failed to read the disk, and commenced to BAWWWWWW as they had been since The Great Shitstorm of '08. Nintendo claimed that some Wiis were simply due to either dust collecting on the lens or because it couldn't handle the massive amounts of data on the 2-layered DVD disk. Nintendo, probably experiencing a case of troll's remorse, offered to repair people's Wiis for free and return them in a week's time. Many lulz were had by those whose Wiis didn't fail.

(P.S. Toad isn't playable because he would PWN everyone. of fantards who type messages like what was just crossed out.)

Gallery

This is as close as Geno fags are going to get to him interacting with a Brawl character.	Will never ever ever be in Brawl. EVAR!	At least she got a fucking cameo furfags.	What furfags want when Krystal wasn't in the game.
To make up with the lack of Krystal, they resort to this.	A depiction of Ashley in Brawl. You know, since she's not even an assist trophy.	What fags want Lucario to look like.	Wow...I guess he really WAS too big.
The real, tragic reason why Cloud can't be in Brawl.	As an Assist Trophy, Waluigi has the power to fire his own name out of his crotch.	TOON LINK	Why he wasn't even considered.
He said the same thing about Nintendogs, but nobody cares.	It doesn't get much gayer than this.	All the Midna fans BAWWWed when Toon Link appeared in her stead.	Disappointed? Welcome to reality.
Ridley is still in disbelief over all this.	... remind me: WHY was Roy removed?	Even he is not happy.	Doing it wrong.
Like father like son.	PARABOX	When Marth is not Brawling	Aura also makes ones feet very soft.
Super Smash Bros. Brawl Godhand Edit	Solid Snake? In my vagina?	Jesus makes a cameo appearance	Because of him (insert favorite character here) was not included in Brawl.
The great thing about my friends is not fighting for them, it's showing everyone online that I did.	Falconmen	Nintendo are nazis.

Videos

Weeaboos decide to fag this game up using the shitty caramelldansen fad. No one cares.

Sakurai writes pr0n fic

Recently, a certain fag on GameFAQs named yczover9000 realized that all the captions of the various pictures on the Smash Bros. Dojo are actually lines from a porn fic involving the various characters gangbanging Samus. However, we can see that Sakurai has roughly the same writing ability as Tara Gilesbie.

Mmm...It feels nice and peaceful here.
Hold on a second! What are you guys doing here?!
If you think they're all going to be the same as they have been, it'll be rough for you.
Trying to fight back is useless.
Hey. Stop that...QUIT IT! I mean it!
Samus has a problem. All of her armor fell off!
What?! Is this...Could it be?!
Look at her Power Suit shine!
It’s time to rise up against this blatant provocation!
You should really get a hold of this and just sink your teeth in.
The more distant you are, the worse your connection becomes, and the slower it feels.

Hang on a second.
Do you see that thing dangling from Fox's waist?
Surely he wouldn’t bring that thing out?!
It's...It's HUGE!
It’s HUGE!
He’s huge!
Whoa, that’s huge!
Whoa! He’s huge.
It’s...big...
This time it gets REALLY long!
It's almost unthinkable!
There are big ones and small ones.
That weapon is extremely powerful.
A solid hit from this delivers a mighty blow...
but when it comes back, it also lightly pulls the foe's body.
It really is a versatile piece of hardware.
It's round, pink, and soft.
And it is ethereal. Oh, yes.
I-I…I want it!

This expansion also increases your possible strategies, so fire away!
If you see one of these, be absolutely sure to grab it.
Basically, you hold it in your arms.
Gotta heft this thing! Hurrrgh!
Well, he certainly appears to be in good shape.
Where are you sticking that thing?
Is...Is it safe to eat that?
Bowser has a slightly different flavor this time around
It slowly turns around...
Aim well and sally forth.
The Wii is trying to connect in earnest!
Look out below!

He jumps on and starts racing!
H-he has absolutely no problem fitting in!
It's always hot to the touch.
Hot! Hot! HOTTT!
Whoa! That looks hot.
Hot! Hot-hot-hot-hot-hot-HOT!
Hot! HOT!
You can move forward and backward!
He strikes repeatedly with lightning speed!
Hee ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya! Hup! Hup! Hey! Ho!
Not too shabby, eh?
Want more?

The tension rises. Yes.
That feels gooood...It’s exciting and exhilarating.
Mmm...That’s amazing.
Bzzzzzzzzzzt! I can’t get enough of this.
My heart’s aflutter.

I like the feel of that powerful rumble.
They...They're really flying!
MAXIMUM CHARGE!

Power up and unleash it when the time is right!
You can pull out.
When you hold it in as much as you can...?!
There's no waiting!
This is it.
It's magnificent!
And then comes the finishing strike!
(Check your volume settings.)
SKRAAAAH!
Off it goes!
Down

Notable Smash Players

• RDK
• Dylan Tnga
• MegatronPwnsYou
• Rina-chan

See Also

• Tourneyfag
• Smashboards
• Gamecube
• Wii
• Fanboy
• A challenger appears
• Pikaman
• Solid Snakes's Ass
• Texturefag

Links

• Smash Dojo - US Smash Bros site. UPDATE'S CLOSED
• Smash Mojo - U CAN MAIK UR OWN CHARS!!!1!11 lulz It's back and kicking! gone again.
• 4Chan's /v/ - Shitstorm 5 seconds after every update.
• Smash Boards - There be tourneyfags here.
• Brawl Central - Shit site that leaked a lot of info about Brawl 'Competitive' players are slowly taking over the forums to the point where the site is no longer being updated.
• Smash Bros. Fansite - Everyone on this forums are fucking babies.
• A site doing texture swaps of SSBB - These butthurt fags change the texture skins of characters to replace them with characters who didn't make it in.
• There Will Be Brawl

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