Sweet Eva
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Sweet Eva is a middle aged, strung up methwhore, award-winning camwhore, now bankrupt and frequent target for cam raids. This haggard piece of shit is a self-confessed alcoholic and has no prospects for her in life. Her only source of income is from her husband's income. Despite his job, he seems to spend most of his time either asleep, going on beer runs to the store, or remixing Rick Astley.
Most debate it's only a matter of time before her husband "Mike" chokes Eva to death with her magical pet parrot. Coincidently, Mike is also the name of her brother, who lives in the apartment-converted-garage of Mike's house to help Eva clean. He is unfazed by Eva's hobby of sitting around nude on cam.
According to Eva's various cam rants, she was raised as a Freemason and worships Satan. She speaks Dutch and Japanese from her time in the navy. She can often be found drowning her sorrows in a Budweiser bottle - the first one of the day usually gets popped open around 7am - while having a domestic feud with Mike over heated food. Expect a an heroine' article about this sandbag tit whore in the near future. Needless to say, Sweet Eva is a class act.
On Valentines Day, the users from eBaum's World created a video documenting the most lulz worthy of Eva's activities. While Valentines Day is sometimes a special day for some couples, it was business as usual in Eva's household. The video is an accurate depiction of what Eva has done every single day for the last 92 years.
INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET
On one of the many eBaum's World trolling sessions, Eva and Mike got in a huge fight. To end the fight Mike agreed to take Eva to Staples to pick up a life-size cardboard cut-out of herself to replace the Sarah Michelle Gellar cut-out which was currently sitting in their lounge room. They informed their eBaum's World viewers that they would leave the camera on while they were gone to keep the eBaumfags amused.
After about an hour, Eva and Mike had not returned. In a an honest display of concern (and obviously bored of fapping to the lamp) Eva's pet eBaumfags decided to order $70 worth of pizza to Eva's house. When this failed, a Britfag eBaum with Skype decided to call Eva's local police and proceeded to tell them that Eva had murdered her husband and had omitted suicide behind their couch (all in front of the webcam). The eBaums trolls waited and listened to the radio and her parrot, waiting for the police to rock up.
Finally, there was a knock on the door and the police burst into Eva and Mike's amazing household. Much surprise was had when suddenly a cop's ass appeared live and right in front of Eva's webcam. The police could be heard talking about a bong they had found and then the officer in front of Eva's webcam said that "there were too many wires" and '"it's the INTERNET". To the amazement of the eBaumsfags watching, the Internet Gremlins interjected at this very instant and the web cam feed choked and halted into an audio loop of INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET.
As a direct result of this incident, Mike was charged and had to go to court. Drug paraphernalia charges were brought against him after his bong was discovered during the raid. Because of his priors, it was rumored that the judge had thrown the book at Mike and he had been sentenced to a year in prison being ass raped by horny niggers; but in actuality, he had only been given probation which, some argue, are a result of Mike's alleged Masonic connections.
Skeletor breaks her arm
On February 12th 2008, the day after the police raid, Eva returned home and got on cam. She wasted no time in removing her clothing and performing her signature moves, only to fall over and break her arm. It is suspected that Eva forgot to take her Centrum and as a consequence, her bones de-calcified to the point of resembling a candy cane. Much BAWWWWWWWWWWing commenced and Mike tried his best to aid her and then the cam went off. Ebaums wonders how Eva will manage to juggle smoking and drinking with only one arm. This is clearly the worst thing to ever happen to her. On March 16th 2008, Eva confirmed to ebaums during their various trollings that she broke her arm by "tripping over the internet".
Eva also posted three 20 second videos on her youtube account of her response to the police raid incident. She also revealed that she got a ticket for drinking in her driveway. Eva's YouTube Account
Leave of Absence and Return
Yet, alas, after many weeks of sweet, sweet lulz, Eva mysteriously disappeared; though she gave us many gut-bustingly funny moments, from shoe and keyboard on head to breaking down when asked to perform a sex act on her parrot, and to inviting her daughter on cam with her.
Highlights include:
- The untidy cables / broken arm
- The first Rickroll by Mike - causing Eva to have a fit.
- Mike's badass remix of Belair
- Mike spilling his bong
- OMG COPS part 1 & 2
- The fucking parrot - called "Dimitri" - although she calls it "pretty girl" and "kitty kitty" LOLWUT?
- The Lamp
- R-R-REMIX
This litany of mayhem resulted in the fateful day of Feb 23rd 2008...
Eva had clearly been up all night, and was observed by Britfag ebaums to be utterly shitfaced at around 4am EST (9am Britfag tiem). She had clearly been drinking heavily, as well as tooting on the glass trombone, and Mike was heard to be honking on his bong in the background. Drama occured when Sweet Eva fell over and smashed her skull on the floor, resulting in a nasty gash and possible concussion. Rather than do the right thing and take her to a hospital, her caring husband continued to let her camwhore - her head bleeding profusely, whilst playing MOR rock tunes, quaffing 40s of Bud and smoking marijuana. They are , quite simply, the perfect American family.
Shocked by what they saw , Ebaums urged her to get treatment, sending messages of love and care such as
"OMFG LULZ"
"DIE YOU FUCKING CRACKWHORE"
"STICK LAMP IN POOPER"
"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP"
etc
A massive argument ensued between Mike and Eva, including a particularly lulzy discussion about whether the massive, bloodied, hole in her fucking head made her a "cyclops" or "Osiris - the all seeing Eye", resulting in him finally calling her "niggerlips". At this point Ebaum could take no more and promptly called Law Enforcement Authorities, who responded within 15 minutes, arresting Mike but unfortunately not shooting the fucking parrot. Eva was left home alone, with Mike down at the County Jail being some Nigra's bitch.
No one knows why she left us so silently, is it because of the many trolls who were trying to make her an hero, was it because she finally stopped drinking long enough to figure out that she was being trolled professionally, was it because she saw this very article, or was she just sick of that fucking parrot? s now is that the brave warriors of the LULZ track down her new cam whore account, for rest assured - her massive personality None of this matters, what matters is that Eva is a professional camwhore, with a attention seeking complex bigger than all camwhores and Paris Hitler put on earth together. At the end of the day the lamp is ultimately the WINNAR
Due to the inherent nature of the camwhore, Eva couldn't stay away from the internet for long - despite the abuse that was hurled at her or the bans that were put on her account. Once more on CAM4, SweetEva broadcasts daily from her living room with Mike at her side blasting the 4chan soundtrack. Lulz continue to spew forth.
B& dodging & A Jungle Bunny
Trolling the methwhore is, quite frankly, the funniest thing next to trolling retards However, if your troll skills are too great, the precious little thing that sweeteva is may lift herself from her drunken state and ban the shit out of you. This is a HUGE lulz killer and lasts a month at the most. Easy: change your IP, you say? Delete your cookies, you say? Well, I say STFU noob. The window to the den of the queen of the whores is Flash based. "Not a big deal," you say? Well, browser plugins such as Java, Flash, ActiveX, RealPlayer, Quicktime, Adobe's PDF plugin, and others can be manipulated into revealing your real IP address.
The solution is easy, unless you're a meth-addicted Scientologist slut. Just download Tor and download the Firefox plugin (Assuming that you have Firefox, as all basement-dwellers do), and you must use them both. If you can't, you're a retard made of fail and AIDS.
Now, some of you are still going "Oh no! What do I do? It's still not working!", It's because you forgot to delete your flash cookies. Flash cookies, you say? Shouldn't they be dumped when you delete your regular cookies? No! Flash cookies are made of anti-lulz and stay in your intestines like compacted shit.
So, how do I get rid of them....? Quite simple, go to the google and type How do I shot Fash cookies and you shall be enlightened.
Still not working? This could be because some other cunt has been IP banned from the one you are using, imbecil.
Party Van rolls up again
Last Thursday Eva was behaving a bit...strange. Stranger than usual anyway. Her slurring and erratic behavior were at an all-time high. Mumbling incoherently to herself, she looked dirtier than ever, and was very sloppily attempting to drink a 40 while smoking at the same time. After about a half hour of grumbling to herself, she managed to squawk out taking a few Oxycodone a short while beforehand. "A few" Oxycodone + the way Eva drinks= LULZ KILLER. A few concerned Ebaum repeatedly called the police, fearing that she was overdosing and this was finally the end of The Queen of the Internets. Or that her hand, numbed from Fail, would drop one of her many cigarettes and wind up burning down her house.
When the Party Van finally stopped by, much lulz ensued. Eva managed to throw a robe half-way on her and stumbled off cam to have a chat with Officer INTERNETS.
During their conversation, Eva revealed these interesting little tidbits-
- She was an "Internet Superstar".
- She had her own legalized stamp.
- She has been featured on Faux News in England.
- She had to have her phone number changed eight times, to try to elude fans and stalkers.
- She showed Officer INTERNET her picture on the wall, and then spent ten minutes talking about her 'calender', and asked if he was interested in purchasing one.
- Before Officer INTERNET managed to GTFO, she tried to drag him to her couch and feature him on her show. Srsly.
During all this, Eva heavily flirted with him.
The Party Van and Officer INTERNETS finally managed to skid off into the night, getting away with his soul intact. Eva then returned to her camera with more wonderful assumptions.
- That all the police loved her (and wanted to fuck her), and that they would never return if any Ebaums called again.
- She could go down to the station whenever she wanted and hang out with them. Because they loved her. And would never arrest her or give her trouble, for anything.
- She had the police after every Ebaums/Troll in her room, they knew who everyone was, and that they will be brought to justice soon. Fifteen minutes later, she changed it to the FBI, and went on about how seriously they were taking her case.
Mikeroll
Mike rickroll'd ebaum and Eva. Eva threw a bitch fit unlike any ever seen in the known universe.
COPSCOPSCOPS!
On the night of April 2nd, Mike attempted to contact Eva from his laptop at work. Eva was suspicious that the person in the room was really Mike. She then proceeded to ask him a series of questions as a way for him to prove his identity. He answered them correctly, but /b/ has infiltrated Eva's life so deeply that even then she was paranoid and GAVE HER OWN HUSBAND THE BANHAMMER!
Needless to say, when Mike returned home he was PISSED because he couldn't chat for thirty days due to the ban. He then proceeded to torture Eva with a fart machine. An intense, heartbreaking ( lulzy!!! ) domestic squabble followed with Mike claiming Eva reached off-cam and hit him in the neck. He then said he was going off to bed ...
OR SO HE THOUGHT!
The cops burst in and the two instantly began to act as if nothing happened. Eva then tried to place blame on the internets and informed the ignorant officer that she was an INTERNET SUPERSTAR!
...
The cop was unimpressed by Eva's fame and stated that someone was going to go to jail. It was then that Eva's webcam was turned off.
UPDATE: Cop was a failfag. No one was arrested, but a report was made.
MOAR UPDATE: At approximately 2:30 pm on June 28th, the cops were again summoned to the meth house. They were apparently looking for drugs. Eva again explained that it was all apart of being an internet SUPERSTAR. The police officer then said I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE and proceeded to troll Eva himself in IRL by asking her if she could at least mow the lawn. When Eva explained she was on bed rest, the Cop then questioned why she was sitting in front of the computer all day and told her to quit the internets forever.
As soon as the Cop left Eva went into an alcoholic drug induced rage and screamed at her brother and began forming scholarly theories about the Cop watching her on cam from his home and stalking her. A mysterious caller then called and taunted her with phrases such as "How did you like that?". Mike then arrived and turned off all cameras.
Sweeteva Quotes
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Candid Mike
On Feb. 28th 2008 Mike forgot to turn the camera off.
An Ebaum in the chat was able to view and record Mike and find out where he works.
VIDEO BALEEETED BY YOUTUBE
Mike works for Orlando International Airport lulz.
Wild TAMMY appears
As of now, Eva has a new room mate called Tammy, many believe she is actually the crack baby she and Mike produced in the back of his van, but this has not been confirmed. It could also be possible that 'Tammy' is actually Nurse Richardson, a care nurse for mentally inferior meth-heads. However, Tammy has not been seen for several days and rumors have been flying that she has been kicked out over a dispute regarding twenty dollars.
Lamp Held For Ransom
Approximately 8:45am (EST) April 28, 2008 Eva, in a fit of Meth rage, removed the precious smiling lamp from cam view. This is reputedly the saddest moment of Eva's trolled history.
UPDATE - The lamp has since returned, but Eva's sanity and clean underwear are still, as they have been for as long as anyone can remember, missing. It may also be notable that Eva is currently on her other cam4 account, evanmike, which is ironic since Mike is dead or something. She went batshit crazy and banned 9000 people in the early morning hours of April 29th, perhaps due to the fact that she is wearing a standard-issue methwhore headband. In a fit of insanity, she suggested over the phone that she should be receiving money for product placement, in other words a check from alpo for name checking them every dinner. She is also refusing to show her tits and vagoo to the great sorrow of nobody.
Gone Again?
Recently, the trolling became too much for Mike to handle. He appeared on camera with a shotgun and threatened the /b/tards. Immediately, calls of 'CALL HIS PROBATION OFFICER!' rang out because possession of a firearm violates the probation Mike was recently given. Since this incident, Eva and Mike's cam has been down.
UPDATE 3/28/08: She's back on Cam4 after a brief stint on CamToMe.com
Recently Eva has complained endlessly about her fucked up arm and other health ailments stemming from her love of crack and constant whoring for 40 something years. Mike has been awesome, putting the lampshade on his head and talking like a chink.
UPDATE 4/23/08: After a short absence, Eva is back and this time without a fucking cast. She says her arm is still broken though. And now Mike has some sort of cancer that makes him not want to eat her out. She proceeded to put on a fugly ass yellow wig and dance around, and do that sick ass split on the couch she has done at least a hundred times since last Thursday.
A /b/tard by the name of SKD begged Eva to let them name her lamp, and she finally let the fagot do it. He of coarse named it Mudkipz. Mike however saved the day and said the lamp is to be named Lampkipz for now on.
UPDATE 4/26/08: Eva now laments Mike's absence every passing moment, which has, thankfully, reduced the number of strippings and sexuel innuendo. Instead, she calls everyone on the fucking planet and tells them over 9000 times that MIKES IN THE HOSPITAL SOB SOB etc due to a reported epic herpes sore that turned into fatal cancer of the face. Hopefully Mike will return to do more barrel rolls and maybe it can even touch the sides again.
UPDATE 4/28/08: Eva continues to whine about how Mike IS IN THE HOSPITAL, attempting to console herself with an obnoxious sounding furry chicken toy that she uses primarily for masturbatory purposes as it can touch the sides. She frequently freaks out when she is trolled excessively (always) and turns the sound/cam off for about 100 seconds until she forgets that she was angry and returns as if nothing happened due to memory loss from meth. Mike has been reported to have been raeped by nigras in the hospital until he became an hero but these reports have yet to be confirmed by Eva, not that she would know anyway because she is a meth whore.
MIKES DEAD?
On April 28th 2008, Eva said in her chatbox that Mike was dead.
On April 29, 2008, Eva reported she was talking to Mike on the telephone. Cam4 admin stopped in to check on Eva. She proceeded to rip admin to shreds, accusing them of being in on it. Admin, after calmly weathering all incoming rants, tells her to chill. Major ranting ensues, and Admin was forced to ban her from her own room with cam going offline as Eva continues to madly scream. No one has seen her since.
On May 5, 2008, Mike came back. He appeared to be alive, though that may just be because he was sitting next to Eva, who looks like a holocaust victim after a day in the communal ovens.
Moar bewbs on Sweeteva's cam'
CAM OFFLINE
MIKES FINALLY LOSING IT!
UPDATE: May 15, 2008 - Eva is caught tanning on her concrete front yard while Mike is casually bringing outside the lamp- which has now undergone an unknown sex operation to make it look like a reverse trap- the Sarah Michelle cardboard and his eerie looking skeleton. Eva is drinking beer and smoking in the sun while he is hanging around in his awesome cowboy hat, even dropping his pants at one point to show off his nigger strap on dildo at passerby and cheesy music from the 80's (accompanied by Dimitri's melodious singing voice) play's loudly from inside the house.
EVA RUINS DINNER
Eva, being the expert chef that she is, cooks pork chops for Mike. Mike being a "typical man" and a "sow" tried some of the pork chops before Eva decreed that they were ready. After repeatedly calling Mike an asshole, they had dinner. Anons then took the intiative and began asking Eva if she ruined dinner. At first Eva looked like she would An Hero but quickly became mildly enraged and told the Anons that she was doing it "to stop Mike getting sick". After many more ruined dinner accusations she began shouting about how Mike is "a pig" and an "asshole" until one Anon piped up with "I think you're just mad because you ruined dinner." Eva's eyes became wide and she leaned right up to the webcam shouting and raging about how she is going to slice the throats of every Anon and how she hates everyone, including Mike. Of course, many lulz were had. Mike was mysteriously absent at this point, and it can safley be assumed that he was vomiting his guts up from eating uncooked pork.
MIKE WASTES SALIVA ON EVA
5/22/08
In this video, Eva claims Mike spat at her regularly (before the whole lip cancer thing), screams incoherently at Mike and the monitor (cam4 and iwebcam), and interjects randomly into Mike's conversation with a fan on the phone (also named Mike(?)), whom Eva refuses to talk to. This video demonstrates Eva's jealousy that Anonymous prefers Mike to her. Before recording began, MANY cam4 users posted Eva's cell phone number and her home address, repeatedly, resulting in her '160' calls [I wouldn't doubt it - I heard it ring about 60 times] leading to this epic video. THANK YOU JESUS FOR MAKING HER KEEP HER CLOTHES ON.
UPDATE: As of July 9th Sweeteva is still MIA from cam4. She has had a confirmed presence at other less-penetrable camwhoring sites. Her absence however is speculated, by many an anon to be in relation to her claims of Cirrhosis of the Liver with a diagnosis of only 3 months to live. The debate if we succeeded or failed in her death and driving her from the internets rages on as some feel we have missed out on her camdeath.
UPDATE: July 18th Eva returns to troll Anon with the sweet, sweet LULZ- Fawke's face firmly implanted on her alcohol soaked head. Coincidence you say? Not so. Eva is trolling for the LULZ again. This reporter has no information on her extended absence, but suspects it has something to do with the anti-LULZ machine.
UPDATE: August- Eva continues to make sporadic appearances on Cam4 as evidenced by the screenshots at the bottom of the page. It is possible that this is a conspiracy by scifags to bring anon anti-LULZ and that she has indeed succumbed to said cirrhosis, with the scilons putting up previous screenshots to fool anons. IS Eva still with us, enriching the internets? Time will tell, but this reporter feels that the anti-LULZ machinery has failed and we will indeed see Eva's locust-like limbs and rasping mummy voice again. My thetans are getting all hot and enturbulated just thinking about it. NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER.
UPDATE: May 2009 - Eva has found a new home for her services on Room7.com along with hubby Mike and the very few followers of Eva. From conversations made within the room, Eva's old neighbors have decided to vacate the premises, leaving Eva with new neighbors.
FROM MIKE'S ARCHIVES
NEW EVA FOOTAGE
May, 2009: Eva's down with the pump pump penis.
11/21/08 SWEET EVA PASSES THE FUCK OUT
Eva Has A Message For Mack
[1]COW DEHOOVED BY MA'S QUEST
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LOL REHAB
On March 4th 2009 Mike announced via Eva's room on iwebcam.com that said skeezer was "in a center for drug-free living" after the 5-0 got called for the hundredth time; in typical Eva style she was wasted on shitty beer, prescription pills, meth, jenkem, and lawd knows what else, and resisted arrest (someone PLEASE post video of said epicness). Could this be the end of the crackwhore that Anon has come to know and love? Stay tuned.
UPDATE: As of March 14th 2009, Sweet Eva has returned to her cam. There is much speculation of how she escaped from the rehabilitation institute, including rumors she was either released after offering to blow one of the caretakers, was off her coke long enough to fake convincing sanity, or was thrown out for refusing to shut the fuck up and keep her saggy tits in her shirt. In any event, trolling is to resume immediately.
Videos
External Links
- SweetEva on LiveVideo
- sweeteva
- Her shop! BUY ALL YOUR SWEETEVA MERCH HERE! ... she needs booze money.
- Her MySpace
- Buy Sweet Eva Shit, SUPPORT HER AN HERO FATE
- Her new site. Log-in and look for 'The Real Sweeteva Room'. Enjoy. :)
- She deserves a message board?! INTERNET INTERNET INTERNET!
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