Tamagotchi
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A Tamagotchi is a tiny, digital slave bound inside a cheap, mass-produced plastic egg. They (like all cheap, mass-produced, brightly colored plastic crap) originated in an Asian country. Tamagotchis were popular and, like, all the cool kids had to have one at your middle school last Thursday, if last Thursday was in the late 90's.
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But Why?
Tamagotchi was originally intended to amuse children for days by giving them a little creature to care for. It was supposed to encourage nurturing feelings in kids by simulating the experience of having a beloved pet. Really owning a pet is often very arduous and expensive, not to mention both physically and emotionally demanding. With that said, a Tamagotchi was totally like owning a real pet:
- They could be suspended from a metal ring, clipped to a necklace or backpack and carried with you everywhere.
- Your initial purchase cost covered the pet's entire life (with a lifetime of food and toys) and you never had to spend another dime.
- Your pet's basic needs could be met through cold, unfeeling button mashing. No other exertion on your behalf was ever required.
- If you forgot to feed or care for your pet for a couple of days, it would die. But you could always just stab them in the back with a pencil where there was a hidden reset button, which immediately brought them back to life. In the same manner, you could always relive the best part of a pet, their cute babyhood and adolescence. Anytime they got old and just sat around and pooped, you could stab them back into their adorable infancy. If you wanted to stick it out with a decrepit old virtual pet, there was no need to have it put down, as it's life span was a few days to two weeks at best.
Yep, just like real life. Pointing these things out in Tamagotchi forums and fan sites results in great butthurt; many Tamagotchifags will still attempt to justify their pride over successfully rearing their "virtual pet" or their emotional attachment to them.
Tamagotchi Drama
Many of the lowest points of humanity that occurred in the late 90's were in the direct vicinity of Tamagotchi toys (the rest of the low points were around boy bands). Some schools put up bans on Tamagotchi toys because emotionally disabled kids would freak the fuck out if their beloved digital slave passed away in class. Many a rain forest was felled to create enough Kleenex to sop up the collective tears of grieving Tamagotchifags. Of course, within minutes, just about all grew their balls back and did the right thing - stabbed the plastic, vacant carcass of their deceased pet and reset them back to life. There is some speculation that the resurrection of Jesus actually occurred in a quite similar manner.
In the now of days, these deviseshave evil red eyes that let you have your, theres, or you with two tamas jump over to the other one and make sex, (Rule 34 can also be cannon amirite?)
Characters
Yes, they actually have names.
- Mametchi: The end result of actually taking care of your Tamagotchi,
- Kuchipatchi: They try to deny it, but It's a Fat Green Duck!
- Memetchi: A female character that is Mametchi's bitch, she comes from "Guro Guro Vilage", Coinsidence?
- Violetchi: All questions can be answered by the phrase Rule 34.
- Gozarutchi: A Ninja, no moar questions need to be asked.
- Mimitchi: The end result of a company ripping itself off.
- Ichigotchi: A fruit.
- Ringotchi: Another fruit.
- Kiwitchi: not a fruit.
- Kuro Mametchi: an emo version of Mametchi, he also wears pink
- Bill: A secret character that you Kill, he's also the severed head of an American president, and people can refer to him as "The Science Guy".
- Makiko: an even slutier version of Memetchi.
- Young Mametchi: A young version of Mametchi people didn't like, so he was replaced by Toon Mametchi in the sequel.
- Tamagotchi Planet: WTF! the planet they live on is ALIVE!
- Oyajitchi: His name translates to "your boss", he's drunk as hell all the time.
- Otokitchi: An old woman who runs the "Tamagotchi Whore House", Seriously.
- Ojitchi: A very old guy whos japanese name translates to ohSHITchi.
- Nazotchi: even if you badly want it, the company says "F%#$ you"
- Nyrotchi: ..... Its exactally what it looks like.
- Masktchi: A Female character thats apperently Gozarutchi's bitch.
- Gotchi King: The King of Tamagotchis, he's an egg, which means he isn't even born, which also means that the "Gotchi Queen" is a pregnophile. (P.S. the Tamagotchis after this one aren't real, someone is making a joke.)
Others
- Ofense Tamas: Scoutchi, Soldertchi, and Pyrotchi.
- Defence Tamas: Heavytchi, Engineertchi, and Demomantchi
- Support Tamas: Spytchi, Snipertchi, and Medictchi.
Versions
No matter how you look at it, all Tamagotchis are the same with little things changed, lets have a look
- Original: the thing that started it all
- Bug Version: one with bug Tamagotchis, it gives you the power to yell at it.
- Fish Version: one with fish Tamagotchis, it has a motion sensor so you can shake it like a nanny posesed.
- Angel Version: one where the Tamagotchis are already dead (thats one thing out of the way).
- Devil Version: one where your supposed to keep it from being a Troll
- Connection: one where it has an evil red eye that when you have two staring at each other, one of the tamagotchis jumps to the other one, Raepes them, steals the baby, and never sees them again (the perfect crime).
- Connection 2: like last time but you can now win prize money from stupid games, and buy cool crap.
- Connection 3: now you can connect to the internetts and learn cheat codes for cool crap.
- Connection 4: one that lets you connect to- whait is this the same thing as version 3 but moar stuff?
- Connection 4.5: Yes, it,s the same
- Tamago Chu: Rule 34 for the win
- Connection 5: Now you take care of a whole family, but instead of dying, they get pissed and fly to there living plannet.
- Music Star: one where your Tamagotchi gets an instrument and competes on American Idol, LOSES! and becomes a street performer.
- Color Version: One which wont be had in the US of A.
Otherstuff
Stuff that isn't a plastic egg,
- Game Boy: the first one made into a video game, because people were too lazy to buy the little egg thing. They also overdramatized the death scene of your Tamagotchi, whith that whole "laying on the ground with a heart meter dying out, showing your best memories together (which is essentially it shaking in agony), then it turns into an Angel"
- Corner Shop: a game on the DS, in this one you have to do random things in different stores.
- Corner Shop 3: one were you are kidnapped and turned into one of them, then they make you do random things in different stores.
Blessed Cultural Irrelevance
Tamagotchis can still be found in toy stores or online, indicating that there is some lingering demand for them. However, no one has stepped forward to claim responsibility for purchasing them and thereby forcing store managers to restock. It's safe to assume that the cool kids have realized how ghey Tamagotchis were all along, although they would swiftly deny any such accusation. Only prepubescent girls and weirdos with neckbeards continue to hoard the toys, hoping to one day feel even the slightest bit of affection from another human being. Since this is the makeup of the current Tamagotchi fanbase, it's just too easy to troll and make fun of them.
Gallery
Better known as "The Hall of Tamagotchi SHAME", as well as some "Rule 34" only the sickest of fucks are turned on by.
See Also
- Plastic Crap
- Slavery
- Pokémon
- Animals
- Mechanophilia - When you're just a little too attached to your Tamagotchi.
- Neopets - Final form of the Tamagotchi, which incorporates the same themes but also tethers it's fans to a computer, preventing them from being able to exist outside of their basement.
Links
- Official Tamagotchi Site
- LULZy Tamagotchi survey that reveals a lot about the Tamagotchi's target audience.
- A Tamagotchi Wiki... trolling opportunities abound.
- Typical Tamagotchifag- Even a big Tamagotchi collector can only handle admitting to owning "a few"; any more is a crushing shame.
- Tamatalk Most of the users act like /b/tards. They even have a forum dedicated to the death of a Tamagotchi! Meowbark goes here!
