Wal-Mart
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Where Satan resides. Wal-Mart (aka Hell) is a purgatory for desperate hillbillies, filthy spics, furries looking for stuffed animals to rape and Jews.
Wal-Mart was named after Waldo of the acclaimed "Where's Waldo?" book series; it was created at least 100 years ago while Sam Walton was at home huffing paint fumes and reading "Where's Waldo" books with Dragonball Z playing in the background. It was during a moment of epiphany, fapping to mental images of Waldo sodomizing Goku when he realized that not only did he pay WAY too much for his cans of spraypaint but that he could build a store based upon the economic concepts of cheap inhalants for everyone with a power level of over 9000, thereby acting out his fantasy of Waldo-esque sodomy upon the retail industry of America.
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[edit] How to troll Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart presents vast potential as a lolcow due to the combined stupidity of its employees, customers and policies who make for much lulzy synergy.
Here is a step by step guide to trolling Wal-Mart brought to you by Anonymous
It should be noted that as soon as you send in your pictures, they will automatically start printing. Because of their stupidity, do not feel the need to have troll's remorse, they deserve to be trolled.
[edit] Sam Walton's Vision
In the Beginning
Spurred on by visions of a cheap fix, Sam Walton decided that it was not good enough that he alone enjoy the benefits of cheap paint; no, he wanted to share this with everyone. He originally decided to open a simple discount spraypaint store, but Sam Walton found himself stonewalled when he realized that Sherwin Williams Paint company had already begun its dastardly plan to "cover the earth". After being assraped repeatedly by agents of the global paint conspiracy that is Sherwin Williams, Sam Walton decided to sidestep their monopoly by opening an entire grocery store and to simply pay a bit of protection money to Sherwin Williams for periodic shipments of paint.
The Wal-Mart business Plan:
Being a native born troll, Sam Walton couldn't help but giggle as he enacted his never-before-seen strategy of retailing, devised while being forced to watch crappy Lifetime movies about rape and incest with his wife:
1. Rape the shit out of (later known as "rollback") prices in small towns first. They are defenseless and totally asking for it.
2. Once all the small towns have been turned into metaphorical cum dumpsters full of cash, hire lots of illegal immigrants so that if anyone opposes Wal-Mart's expansion into big cities their rims get stolen and their girlfriends/daughters/grandmothers knocked up the next day.
3. ????
4. PROFIT!
[edit] The Results of Sam Walton's Trolling
Butthurt over being raped in the ass by the hellspawn of Sam Walton's deal with Mexicans and Sherwin Williams at the expense of everyone except furries and jews, some people have begun anti-walmart campaigns during the hours in which they are not employed by wal-mart, buying shit at Wal-Mart, enjoying said shit bought at wal-mart, buying something somewhere else that was originally made for wal-mart at a second hand store to "stick it to the man", shoplifting from Wal-Mart, picking up their meds at wal-mart's pharmacy so they don't go batshit crazy, eating at one of the McDonalds that have begun popping up in Wal-Mart stores like genital warts or conducting business at one of the "convenient" banks popping up next to the McDonalds herpes sores like buboes.
General Arguments of those suffering rectal bleeding from Wal-Mart:
- They give jobs to illegal immigrants, which is Un-American.
- Their products are made in China and various 3rd world nations, thus unsupportive in the investment of American industry.
- Wal-Mart likes to kill baby deer when they choose new site locations.
- Wal-Mart believes in "community involvement".
- Wal-Mart insists on spelling the company's name in a cheer to adjourn every associate meeting in which they call the hyphen a "squiggly", thus undermining the rules of the King's English.
- Totally did WTC to sell party supplies with the American flag on, silkscreen prints of eagles with tears in their eyes, scapegoat-hanging kits et cetera.
Additional Repartee from the Butthurt
The communist retail chains also indirectly flaunt political messages to their customers. When observing a Wal-Mart receipt, you will find a subversive message:
Wal-Mart is the largest corporation in all of America. Next on their agenda, the world. There is not one spot in America where there is not a Wal-Mart. The employees are the basis for the movement as they are the rejects of society. Old fart, Mexican, teenager, basement dweller... if you're one of these, Wal-Mart has a spot for you.
Evil albeit cheap of Wal-Mart's evil tendencies is their respect for poor people. They give jobs to the elderly, build Wal-Mart's in the ghetto, and offer their services to pedophiles. This makes every trip to the local Wal-Mart a trip into paralyzing fear. Pregnant teenagers with nowhere to go often camp out in the tent sections of the Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is generous and forgiving when the political undertones of mass murder/domination are ignored. Praise Wal-Mart for its below the norm prices.
You can support Wal-Mart's movement to conquer the world, which is reminiscent of Hitler, or you can opt for paying 3 cents more at another supermarket. The choice is yours.
Sam Walton's Response
Being a seasoned troll, Sam Walton did not experience any sort of troll's remorse and shortly before his death issued the following statement to those opposed to his chain of stores:
[edit] Working at Wal-Mart
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Being an employee at Wal-Mart is one of the easiest jobs one can have. After the first wave of attack propaganda, Wal-Mart's corporate office became damn near militant on the issue of taking breaks. The average Wal-Mart has about 400 or so employees, and not nearly enough managers to ensure that every single one of them is only taking fifteen minutes for their break. The beauty of this is that most Wal-Mart employees are paid hourly. While one has to clock out during lunch for at least one half hour before the six hours mark in their shift (lest they be locked out of all computer programs and receive a meal violation), one stays on the clock for their breaks, so if you time things right, you can essentially be paid to do nothing. It's kind of like door greeting, but you don't have to hand out stickers.
This doesn't work for all positions. Cashiers, door greeters (go figure), and associates in fabrics and crafts, lawn and garden, sporting goods, and electronics have a harder time pulling this off because they usually have to relieve others as all of these departments have work stations (registers, locked cabinets, fabric measuring devices) that 'have' to be manned at all times. Sales associates pretty much anywhere else can take breaks for as long as they like so long as their departments don't become unavoidably fucked up in the meantime.
Being an employee at Wal-Mart is one of the hardest jobs one can have. Contrary to the first and current waves of attack propaganda, Wal-Mart actually pays it's employees much better than most entry level jobs. While most jobs start you out at $5.15 (the bare minimum they can get away with), most Wal-Mart's actually pay you more depending on how little you fucked up during the interview, then add forty cents more at three months and one year, provided you didn't break too much shit before then.
The sucktitude of the job comes not from Wal-Mart itself so much as the douche bag customers. Sure, management is always up one's ass and inquiring into everything one does, but that's standard for any job that isn't management. No, the thing that makes most Wal-Mart employees ornerier than a priest at a playground filled with watchful mothers are the customers. That woman who wants a bike from the ceiling because the one on the rack has been "touched and scratched by everyone else". Nevermind that she's giving it to an eight-year-old who'll destroy then outgrow it in two weeks. Or the cunt on the phone who wants to know about some appliance that does something to some kind of food but she can't remember what it's called. Or that cockbite of a man who shows up at ten-thirty on a Sunday night just before restocking begins and is all pissed because the store is out of whatever generic, high-demand item he came for. Or how about that lying sack of shit minority woman who lies about every item she's buying so she can "price-match" it for ten dollars cheaper than it really is anywhere ever? Or the twatty housewife who wants to throw a shitfit because whatever item she's trying to jew out of the store with another false price match needs a Customer Service Manager's approval before she can leave with her stolen goods.
It's not the company that's abusing the employees; it's the customers, cats and kids. If you're worried enough about the plight of Wal-Mart's employees, don't make shitty sob-sister commercials. Just don't be a douche bag when you're there.
TL;DR - Working at Wal-Mart sucks. <---- All you need to know.
[edit] Walmartians
The people who actually live at Walmart. Some are migratory, moving from one Walmart to another. Others sleep in the furniture aisles. Only about 23% of walmartians actually work at Walmart.
Random facts about walmartians
- Walmartians can only breathe Walmart air, which has a particular mix of white trash bacteria, soccer mom perfume, and human body vapor.
- Walmartians get from Walmart to Walmart via special "Sub Urban Vehicles."
- Walmartians smell like damp flour.
[edit] New Logo
In 2008, Wal-Mart did away with their star logo for a sunburst in a pathetic attempt to improve their corporate image. Despite the logo change, they're still underpaying workers, discriminating against minorities, women and manufacturing shoddily built plastic crap for the lemming-like masses to consume.
PROTIP: If you look closely at the white dot in the middle, it kind of looks like the imperial Japanese flag. Makes you think, huh?
[edit] Acts of arson and murder carried out under the orders Wal-Mart corporate executives and CEO's
In 2001, a family of six living in colorado had a house on a piece of land that Wal-Mart wanted to build a superstore at. They tried offering to buy the house from the family for less than 1/4 of what their house was worth. When they refused, less than one day later, their house mysteriously burned down, killing everyone inside, including 3 young children. The Wal-Mart corporation then bulldozed what was left of the house and IMMEDIATELY constructed highly profitable Wal-Mart superstore on the patch of land that the house occupied. Investigators on the scene after the fire concluded that it was highly likely that arson was the cause of the fire, after finding suspicious items that could have been used to start a fire in the basement of the house. These investigators later mysteriously/conveinently died in strange one-car auto wrecks, bizzare suicides, and weird heart attacks/strokes/anyeurisms immediately after eating or drinking something.
[edit] See also
[edit] External Links
- FAPTASTIC!
- Wal-Mart sells Yaoi
- The Great Wal-Mart prank
- Next Stop: Mexico!
- Derek's Big Archive of Wal-Mart receipts
- Wal-Mart builds new temple over ancient one
- SomethingAwful goons tell their tales of Wal-Mart
- Forgeting the y in ED's address brings you here
- Lol child labour.
- Employee stampeded in Wal-Mart
