Team Fortress 2
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Team Fortress 2 is a FPS game for PC and Xbox 3 Shitty and PSTripe ( Okay, just PC. ) in which the point is to capture the enemies intelligence, or control the whole map by spending at least 100 fucking hours scout rushing control points on the map. The game relies entirely on teamwork, and having a team consisting of nothing but lone-gun Rambos who want to hog all the glory will surely end in nothing but AIDS and fail. If you ever find yourself defending the control point and wonder "where is everyone?" then you have a really shitty team. It runs off the Source Engine, which means you get all the physics of Half-Life 2, and all the retards that come with it. You must also use Steam, which will take you at least 100 days to get the game to go to a splash screen. Your only other option, seeing that you have to be an faggot to own a PS3, is to play on Xbox Live, in which you will have to deal with at least 100 spoiled little shits screaming into the microphone about how a Spy sapped their Sentry.
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[edit] HAX
Hax are officially endorsed by Valve. The following people HAx!!!!!!!!!!!111
- N3wb
- Keif Olberman
- Stife.
- sf|Manbearpig
- Hairy Mountian Man
- Cal
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- Minion
- Despiced Icon
- Blindfire123
- George Bush
- MegaBearGuy
- Your MOM!
- PedoBear
- LULZMAN123
- Bill O' Reilly
- Jack Thompson
- Everyone Else
- You
[edit] Admin Privileges
- Admin Mute Menu: some servers are subject to microphone spam, which is when a player tapes down the "v" button and holds the microphone to their speakers or stereo system, which can become very annoying at times. Servers with a lot of mic-spam will tend to have the Admin Mute Menu (AMM) enabled so players can mute certain mic-spammers. To enable the AMM, simply press f10, at which point a list of the players will show up along with a picture of a microphone next to those who are currently speaking. Double click their name to make them stop. Sometimes the AMM will be enabled so you can have other admin privileges such as kicking players from the server.
- Rock the Vote: if you ever find yourself on a shitty level, or playing 2fort for the sixteenth time, tell players to Rock the Vote. If the majority agrees that the level sucks, they will type "rtv." If enough people do this, a vote will begin requesting players to pick what level they wish to play in. If the server is filled with fags like you who don't understand how to rock the vote, servers will end up playing the same damn level over and over again.
- Banning Players: certain commands can be given to vote for banning players from the server. Just pay fucking attention to the chat section of the screen to know how to enable the ban list and vote the annoying assholes off the server. Note that fucking up how to ban players is a bannable offense on most servers.
[edit] Maps
2fort: Possibly the shittiest, and by extension the most hated, map, 2fort is a revamp of the original 2fort. The BLU and RED team fight each other to capture the intelligence from the other side, however, the game rarely goes anywhere because both teams are too lazy to sap the fucking sentries that are protecting the intelligence, and when they are, the engineers complain about it over the microphone. The best way to win this map is just put up as many sentries as possible underwater, and wait for the bitching from the other team to begin.
Badlands: A new, and horribly laggy and stupid map, from Valve. Overused due to being A NEW MAP FROM VALVE! OMFG. Unlike 2fort, Badlands is a 'CONTROL POINT' map, which means you have to stand at a random point for about 30 minutes as your whole team is fighting about 5 miles away, or everytime you stand on the point someone on the other team bitches and you get your ass fucked. Avoid it.
Granary: Another Control Point map, however this one is more likely to be deadlocked for at least 9000 hours. The best tactic is choosing spy and trying to work around the only path available in stealth, which is most likely occupied by every member on the map.
Dustbowl: A 'defense' map, which means that the BLU team has to capture all the command points, and the RED team has to protect them all. This means that for the RED team to win, they have to protect their command point for about half an hour, and if the first one is captured, they have to spend another 30mins protecting the second command point. It's advised not to use sentries to protect command points in these situations.
Well: Quite possibly one of the more likable of the maps, however, it is still fail. Comes in both faggotry forms; CP and CTF. Mostly consists of two teams battling for the middle point, and then the game slowly ends due to people camping on the rest of the points. CTF, as well, tends to be horrible, because everyone prefers to capture the intelligence, instead of protect it, and no sentries are ever made around it. But that's ok; because it's usually spies that capture the intelligence anyway, and the engineers are too busy getting their asses blown off to protect their fucking sentry. And when it does get sapped, they scream it in the air and continue to capture the intelligence, futilely.
Gravelpit: One of the most played maps; mostly consists of scout rushing sentries on the first two points, and then spy rushing the last to win. RED almost always looses, because they give up after 30 minutes and just let the BLU team take it so they can 'rtv'.
Hydro: A 'Territory Control' map, which means it's CP, but instead of 3 different levels in one setting, it's about 8, and the game can either go on for hours, which is as boring as fuck, or it can be over in 3 seconds because you got pwned by a fucking scout rush, in which case its even more boring. Most likely the only time a team is able to capture the point is in sudden death, which usually means one rogue player winning the point because your entire team decided to attack.
Custom Maps: Surprisingly, the custom maps tend to be better then any of the official maps. However, 3/4 times these maps are still shit, so it's advised as well to avoid anything involving a custom map, especially a clan server custom map. Avoiding clans all together is a good idea.
Gold Rush: The newest and thereby most faulty map, Gold Rush implements a new play style where the blue team must push a bomb by being a dickhair close to the cart it's placed on. The more players located by the cart the quicker it will go, however if a single member of the red team gets within two hundred yards of it you're stuck making scout rush after scout rush to painfully inch it to its goal. Despite this BLU team is guaranteed to win because the map is about as long as your dick on a cold December morning.
HA HA NOPE RED TEAM MOSTLY WINS DUE TO LOTS OF ENGINEERS Ahaha-no. Neither team ever fucking wins because they're too busy trying to kill each other than actually move the fucking cart. Wrong again faggots. Valve proves to you that they are secretly raeping your stats: 
Turbine and Fastlane: Two community maps that Gabe Newell (Moar liek Gayben amirite?) picked to become official maps, because he was too fucking busy eating his lunch to make his team make new ones by them-selfs. They suck by the way.
[edit] Helpful Tips
- Scouts: always go scout in sudden death. The combo of 125 hit points and having nothing but super-speed is incredibly useful in sudden death. Press "x" and "5" repeatedly to shout "NEED A DISPENSER HERE! NEED A DISPENSER HERE! NEED A DISPENSER HERE!" If you have a mic and you're on Well (CTF) or 2fort, keep screaming "FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG." It's very important to remember that your shotgun can take down a sentry with ease; be sure to run straight into Level 3 Sentries... especially during Sudden Death.
- Soldiers: TAKE YOUR FUCKING TIME! NEVAR EVAR USE TELEPORTERS! THEY DON'T WORK ON SOLDIERS! if you can see a sentry but you're so far away from it that it doesn't shoot at you, don't bother destroying it with your rockets. Surely, a spy will take care of it for you. Do not bother rocket-jumping on 2fort to quickly reach the second floor, always use the stairs.
NEVAR use your rockets on Pyros, they just don't work. Just FUCKING RUN AWAY FROM THEM.On second thought go right ahead, it's not like they can reflect rockets or anything. - Pyros: run up to heavies and heavy/medic combos with your flame thrower, which will surely end with them dying before they are able to react, but make sure you kill the Heavy first, he will die faster with the Medic beam on him. Whatever you do, do not randomly check for spies by trying to set your own team on fire, as that will only cause unwanted friendly-fire. The Engineers are perfectly capable of defending their sentries/dispensers from spies all by themselves, and do not require your watchful guard. For a cool achievement, continue to burn the resupply closet with your FIRE for the whole match. Also the Pyro gets something to reflect projectiles, he also gets an unlockable gun that is called the Flare-gun which is similar to the cannon he had in TFC. Happy now Classicfags? Only Pyros themselfs can die quickly from the Flare-gun, it doesn't work on any other classes. His hadouken taunt is the best weapon ever.
- Demomen: it is helpful to put sticky-grenades on control points not being defended; be sure to detonate the very second one person steps onto the control point, waiting for more than one person to stand on it would simply be stupid. You are capable of setting up unlimited sticky bombs before detonation, so be sure to sprinkle them everywhere and anywhere. Be sure to hang back and never approach the front line. (Like a real nigger, if you're surrounded by whitey, RUN AWAY! O LAWDY!!)(Always yell "I'M A BLACK SCOTTISH CYCLOPS NIGGA!")
- Engineers: in the level "Well" be sure to climb to the top of the room where your final control point is, and build a level three sentry gun. This way, when someone steps on the control point, they'll be so far away from your sentry, they can cap the point without being killed from it. As a matter of fact, don't bother defending any control points except for the final one. Just stay as far away from actual combat as humanly possible, and enjoy watching your sentry kills stay at zero. Also, make sure to never create teleporters, especially when your team has to walk for 30 minutes just to get to the front line. In sudden death, BUILD TELEPORTERS FIRST!!1! Do not build the dispenser first. Remember never to help other engineers with their sentries; you're too busy building those teleporters.Although, to make even moar lulz build exits at your team's spawn, then put the entrance in a space someone on your team will end up walking on. For major lulz points put them in between faggot engineer camper's hideout (the space they sit where their dispenser and sentry would be) major lulz is guaranteed. Just say it's to help the team out and all will be fine.
- Heavies: TAKE YOUR FUCKING TIME! NEVAR EVAR USE TELEPORTERS! THEY DON'T WORK ON HEAVIES EITHER! always call for the medic, even if you have the most hit points on the team and don't have a single scratch on you. If you have a medic healing you and step out into battle, do not even glance at your hit points, focus only on killing the enemy, pulling away to let the medic heal you quickly is a sign of cowardice. Make sure to call a Medic gay if he stops healing you to care for team members with low health.
- Medics: Once you've charged your uber be sure to stop healing and go in with AIDs gun blazing, as you'll be invulnerable. Also, in light of Valve's BRILLIANT idea to have unlockable weapons, make sure you pick this class to unlock the fifty dozen new achievements required to receive the new balanced weapons,
evenespecially if more than half the team are medics for the same reason. - Snipers: known for having the best secondary gun, make sure you only look for other snipers when playing 2fort and Hydro. When you see another sniper on the balcony not looking through his scope just know that he's only not doing so as to maintain peripheral sight, as he is in no way a spy. While some may argue, the best team is with 4+ snipers.
- Spies: disguise yourself a scout, heavy, or medic with your disguise kit as these are the least checked for. Always run into the heat of battle before your cloak takes full effect; and dont worry about being hit by bullets while you're cloaked, as they don't do any damage. Remember to repeatedly run into the enemy when cloaked; they walk right through you. If you know you have a fellow teammate close by, do not bother sapping any sentries so they can attack it and get the point. Frontal stabs are a instant-kill and a half, always use them on Pyros, Soldiers, Heavies, and sometimes Demomen. Apparently Spies can become crabs. [1]
Note: Always use the teleporter as a spy for faster transport. Don't fucking use them, Valve made it so that you die instantly after using them. Using a sapper on enemy engineers also causes an instant kill.
[edit] TFC Classicfags = SSBM Tourneyfags
It is a known fact, that TFC classicfags are equal to tourneyfags.
- Classicfags whine about the removal of grenades, while tourneyfags whine about the removal of wavedashing in Brawl.
- Team Fortress 2 got delayed for 9 years, while Brawl got delayed for 2-3 months.
- Classicfags hate critical hits based on luck, in TFC there is an item called Quad-Damage which requires SKILLZ to get it, tourneyfags hate items.
However it is more lulz that critical hits are forced to be on, items can be turned off!LOL NOPE YOU CAN TURN OFF CRITICAL HITS! - Last Thursday, classicfags did not like how Valve nerfed down the Solider and the Demoman by lowering their maximum ammo reserve, tourneyfags did not like how Fox got nerfed in Brawl.
- Classicfags are really pissed at the Medic class because it is the only class to get NEW WEPONS OMFG for now. It also pisses them off because obviously the Spy will get the tranq-gun soon, and the same as the Engineer who will get the Railgun and Super Shotgun, ect., Valve will probably be cock-teasing the oldfags. Touneyfags are pissed at new cheap items in Brawl.
The only difference between classicfags and tourneyfags is that classicfags miss the civilian class, and tourneyfags don't miss Mewtwo, Young link, Roy, or Pichu at all!
[edit] FORTRESS FOREVAR
Unfortunately, all TFC classicfags got together and turned Half Life 2 into TEAM FORTRESS CLASSIC WIT MOAR SKILLZ. This came in the form of a mod called Fortress Forever [2]. They've created "Advanced Techniques" like bunny hopping/bhoping (WAVE DASHING OMGS!), conc jumping (L CANCELING ROFLMAO!), and "Trimping" (DASH DANCING OMG PLAGURISMS). FF is srs business, with a mature, elite fanbase. Despite being TEH BEST HL2 MOD EVAR, there is like 2 people online at one time, and everyone on there will yell "NUB GTFO OFF THE SERVER" if you ask them one simple question like "How do you jump conc?"
FFags haet TF2 because it's not srs business. It one certain thread on their forums [3] someone insults TF2 and calls FF better (SHOCKER!). The resulting thread is lulzy with butthurt fgts BBBAAAAAAWWWWWing about how FF has no friends. One lulzy exchange goes down:
This was by a level headed forum member:
| —Some Guy |
Notice the only thing he insults is bunny hopping and never spitefully referred to any forum members. However, the response to this was:
| —Some FFag |
They took it reery personar. For bonus lulz, post flaming threads where you insult FF saying TF2 is better (Which it is) for MASSIVE DAMAGE.
[edit] myg0t pwjwnowns them
Gaming Trolling Authority myg0t saw the threat of these virgins and assessed that there was only one way to destroy them. Myg0t used advanced "griefing" ("Game Trolling" in layman's terms) to destroy the menace that is FFags.
Around 0.1% of gamers who still play FF remember this like the holocaust. Laugh at them.
[edit] Only Way to Win Against FFags
[edit] This is How War Will Be Remembered
Some were butthurt by this vid as evidenced by this quote:
| —Some Fagtard |
[edit] The Manly Way to Troll TF2
If you're bad enough of a dude, you'll troll like these fgts from some trolling group called TEAM ROOMBA:
As you can see this=BEST THING EVAR.
[edit] HOW TO TROLL
- Download HLSS and install
- Get moosik
- Enter Server
- Get in the way of Snipers, the best way to do this is to be either a Spy or a Pyro.
- Heal enemy Spies and uber them to sap a sentry.
- When you're ubered, don't do anything but taunt.
- Place an entrance teleporter below another friendly engineer's sentry.
- Never stop shouting for a Medic. Ever. Even if you're a Medic.
- Say everyone on your team is a Spy.
- As an Engineer build sentries that face walls, and teleporters that forces people to look at Goatse.
- As a Medic, do your bonesaw taunt during battle instead of healing. Extra lulz when half your team is burning to death.
- Stand in the doorway of your spawn points keeping the door open for enemy attacks.
- As a Spy, stand on spawn points with your team while disguised as the other team.
- On the map Well, get a Medic to follow you then stand on the railroad tracks and wait for the train to come.
- As a Medic, tell your team you refuse to heal Heavies and Scouts because you think they're jews(also refuse to heal demomen because they're niggers, but that's a given)
- As an Engineer, steal the enemy intelligence, build a dispenser next to it, squat behind it, and refuse to move
- As a Heavy, spin your gun barrel but never fire and scream on a mic "HOW DO I FIRE GUN"
- ????
- PROFIT!
[edit] External Links
TF2 Wiki - Wiki on the game. PROTIP: You will win if you raid the Demoman page.
Official Site - Official site.
TF2 Statistics - All you ever wanted to know about how much people play as the engineer.
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