Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Contents |
[edit] Plot
In every episode, the Ninja Turtles would spend most of their day chillin' in their shithole sewer with their master Splinter, an old, perverted rat, and April, a news reporter with a furry fetish. Then this guy Shredder and his two retarded kids Rocksteady and Bebop would try to come in and kill them, presumably because Raphael owes Shredder ten bucks (long story). And from that we learn why you should never talk to strangers.
People often make jokes that the original creators, Yeastman and Lard, constantly drink themselves into a stupor over the depression over what their characters have become. Depending on how much money they've made off of this, this is either slightly true or blatantly false.
[edit] Your Cast
[edit] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
[edit] Leonardo
He leads. Or, maybe he was the one that just kept demanding things of his brothers. He had a voice that was a combination of heroic and whiny, and refused to allow his brothers to cheat or cut corners or be lazy or lure naive, tender children into the sewers with promises of adventure and understanding. He would often yell that "Turtles fight with honor!" If the honor of a turtle was supposed to override the sneakiness of the ninja, it would explain why these so-called ninjas almost never did anything remotely ninja.
Leonardo was armed with the katanas, which were the only cutting weapons on the entire team, but the pussy would never use them, not even to cut himself. His color is blue.
[edit] Donatello
He does machines. Donatello was the mechanical genius of the show, although how he became this way is a mystery. He is a mutant amphibian living in the filthy sewer with no access to schools, libraries, or adult education centers, thus it is best to assume he is an Azn. Still, whenever they needed a trap deactivated or a robot turned gay, Donatello would be the one to cramp his bumpy little face up an android's mecha-pooper.
Donatello was armed with the bo staff, which also made him a skilled pole vaulter and the team's official source and target of tacky dick jokes. His color is purple.
[edit] Raphael
He's cool but crude. This basically means that he's an asshole who everyone is okay with for some reason. "Rude" translated into "Bitchy whining" for Raphael, who could not let a single event go by without spurting out some bitch, Garfield-esque quip. In the opening of the show, he would throw a pizza onto your face. A scalding hot, melted cheese laden disc of burning food, just chucked onto your face for no reason. It's no surprise that none of the kids who watched the show liked Raphael.
Raphael was armed with the sais, which is what you get when you try to make weapons out of corn holders. His color is red.
[edit] Michelangelo
He's a Party Dude! Anyone even remotely familiar with the 80's knows that "Party Dude" usually translated into "Loud And Annoying Retard", and boy did Michelangelo fit that bill. His main role on the team was to be irresponsible and get everyone else in trouble. He also was an incredible glutton when it came to pizza, often cramming entire large pizzas down his throat in full view of poor, starving orphans who just wanted someone to love them. To Michelangelo, no Party Dude could party without tasting the tears of weeping orphans. And yet he was the most popular character. It is amazing how he eats pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, and pizza at suppertime but never gets fat.
Michelangelo was armed with the nunchucks, which were the most useless weapons in a series full of lasers that never hit anything and swords that never stab anyone. His color is yellow, although some argue that it's actually orange.
[edit] Other "good guys"
[edit] Splinter
The Turtles' master and teacher, who's also a giant rat man. However, he did not start as a rat (unless you're following the movies, but who the Hell does that?). After getting kicked out of Japan for not liking anime enough, he spent his free time wandering around the sewers of New York, where he found some turtles soaking in glowing slime. He decided to pick them up, and I guess he had eaten a rat or something, because he became a rat-headed abomination with a vaguely Asian accent.
[edit] April O'Neil
The Turtles' human contact. She was a news reporter who habitually dressed in a yellow jumpsuit. She drove the Turtle's vehicles because she had a driver's license and couldn't really do anything else. Except get captured by the bad guys and give some kids a yellow jumpsuit fetish. Her coworkers were blatantly gay and her boss couldn't stop yelling at everything. Also, her tits were the size of small children.
[edit] Irma
April's nerdy best friend and lesbian lover.
[edit] Vernon
Wore pink shirts. Also had a disease that caused him to become camp.
- See: Fag
[edit] "Bad guys"
[edit] Shredder
The Turtles' hated enemy! He was also a ninja, and he dressed just like a ninja; In lots of pointy metal and a long, billowing cape. He acted just like a ninja, too, in that he always yelled and made his two henchmen fuck a rhino, a boar, and a housefly so hard that they fused with the animals. He took his orders from a big talking brain that was jammed in a robot's crotch, and lived in a giant round tank with an eyeball on top. It was because of these very things that he was the Turtles' most fearsome enemy.
[edit] Krang
Krang was an evil alien from another dimension who lost his body in an accident. I can't remember how it happened, and neither can you. The end result of this accident is that he was reduced to a brain with a face and goofy little flipper hands. Rather than get all whiny about it, he pulled himself up by his spinal cord straps and apparently conquered an entire dimension. How he managed this is a mystery, seeing as how every attempt to conquer Earth was thwarted by four genetic freaks and their paparazzi bimbo.
His actual body looks fleshy and retarded. He built a robot version of it, but instead of putting himself in the robot's head, he put himself in the robot's crotch.
[edit] Bebop and Rocksteady
Shredder's retarded henchmen, one with the head of a rhino, one with the head of a warthog. Much like the Turtles being named after dead eurofag artists, they are both named after shit genres of music.
[edit] The Comic Book
Most fans of the Ninja Turtles really didn't give a shit about the comic book but comic nerds get butthurt because the series didn't follow the comics. It appears the creators of the show had other intentions like actually making money and not appeasing basement dwellers who only change their underwear when the Comic-con is in town
[edit] Movies
[edit] The First One
In 1990, Corey Feldman would attempt to summon Satan by making a live-action Ninja Turtles movie. However, he only succeeded in contracting AIDS, and soon after died. Everyone, even your mom, saw the movie. Few hate it, most love it. Notable scenes include the Turtles gang raping April, Michelangelo teaching kids to not leave tips to Pizza delivery boys, Leonardo watching Raphael while he takes a bath, Casey Jones going insane due to claustrophobia, and the Shredder being defeated by a garbage truck. Tragically, every child that saw the movie when it was first released was given AIDS, transferred through the eyes.
[edit] The Sequel, Secret of the Ooze
A Sequel with Butterfingers, Donuts, Vanilla Ice, an Asian pizza delivery boy, and a rabid Alf was released afterwords. The movie, while not as good as the first one, achieved popularity due to Vanilla Ice making the Ninja Rap which is as follows "GO NINJA GO NINJA GO, GO NINJA GO NINJA GO, GO GO GO GO". Donatello also goes temporarily emo in the movie when he realizes he is not special and his existence is all thanks to some randomly dropped tank of AIDS.
[edit] The Third One, Turtles and Samurais
This one is when they start milking things, the Turtles go back in time to Samurai periods, and 4 Samurai warriors go to the Turtles time and play Pac-Man with Casey Jones. The Turtles kill a bunch of white guys with guns, then kill Japanese guys with guns, then everyone goes back to their own time. They used this shitty idea because they'd already killed off Shredder twice. When they were writing the end of the first movie they thought, "We should kill the Shredder!" Upon deciding to make a second movie, they decided that Shredder could have survived. When they wrote the end of that one they thought, "Let's kill the Shredder, again! Because it's not like he's their only enemy and we're not corporate whores trying to suck this franchise dry! We wouldn't possibly want to make another sequel...wait...fuck." Hence, the third one.
[edit] The 2007 Movie
The new 2007 movie uses no Live Action guys in suits, however it uses CGI. The whole movie is just Raphael and Leonardo having an angsty emo argument, the other two Turtles are in the background the whole movie drowned out by the punk music. AIDS was unleashed yet again, people saw it in theaters but because it was full of emo faggotry no one bought the DVD.
[edit] Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation
Live-action and aired on Fox, no Shredder, no April, and there's a girl turtle named Venus Di Milo, because no Renaissance artists were girls or something (don't let the Gureilla Girls hear that!). The show was so lame they had to do a crossover with Power Rangers, because they were getting ratings. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
[edit] Video Games
A bunch of video games were made for the NES, SNES, Game Boy, and arcade. Their goodness ranges from shit to "WOO! FUCK YEAH!" That one where they're time traveling is fucking awesome.
The majority of the gameplay consisted of beating up purple ninjas that exploded and watching your friend grab a pizza that you need more than they do.
[edit] 2003 Series
Because it's the '80s kids' turn to have their childhoods thoroughly raped, someone at 4Kids decided to make a new Ninja Turtles series. This caused many retards to flood the internets with complaints, clogging at least 100 tubes in the process. And because the series sucked hard, they did what everyone does when something sucks hard: send them into the future to suck even harder. In this series, Shredder was Krang (don't ask) and he had a daughter called Karai who took it in the pussy from Leonardo, up the ass from Raphael, and in the mouth from Michelangelo. This love pentagon unfortunately left poor Donatello in a homosexual relationship with his best friend Leatherhead. Japan decided to take the series and dub it, all the way before things go to the future, yes Japan dubs our cartoons. Since the show was full of 4kids faggotry, the Japanese decided to use special comic book effects and other stuff to make it seem better than it is but few people bought it, so the Japanese ended up making it Naruto-like.
[edit] How to troll TMNT fanatics
