That Guy With The Glasses
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Doug Walker, better known as The Nostalgia Critic, Chester A. Bum or That Guy With The Glasses, is a forty-year-old Internet manchild that specializes in reviewing shitty movies from your childhood. Doug either reviews movies by dressing up as a bum while high on crack, pretending to be a rich, murderous queer that worships a salmon, ripping off AVGN then sucking his cock to avoid getting pwned by his fans, using Uncyclopedia-level "random" "humour", or just being tortured by whatever shitty movie that was picked this week. Just as MST3K previously demonstrated, reviewing shitty movies IS quite lulzy. However, imagine if Siskel and Ebert gangraped MST3K; the should've-been-aborted rapebaby grew up to be TGWTG (as the fans so adoringly abbreviate it). Unlike the AVGN, the Nostalgia Critic's contributors created several unfunny in-house memes of their own, including the Big-Lipped Alligator Moment, which reviewers on the site try to rub in your face, offering you money if you just laugh at their shitty jokes... PLEASE!
Critic's voice sample about you.
Contents |
"Contributors"
After TGWTG was kicked off of YouTube, he bought himself an Indian and made his own website to continue to spread the lulz. No.
The Nostalgia Chick Contest
Being the pimp that he is, Nostalgia Critic held a competition allowing whichever female user could suck his dick dry to partake in reviewing shitty stuff with him under the moniker the Nostalgia Chick. Three contestants entered.
The Dudette / Nostalgia Chick
Lindsay Ellis, a smug leftarded, Mactarded, vegetarian, nigger-loving feminist with two banal degrees from NYU and USC that reviews movies and TV shows catering to young girls. After swallowing every last drop of NC's cum with a smile on her face, the Dudette quickly found herself crowned the Nostalgia Chick. Upon seeing a very special work of art from her loyal fans, she quickly pondered quitting the internet, only to appear in a shitty movie review on September. Through such feats as dancing like a retard in public and dragging her fat, ugly friend into all her videos, she actually manages to be more unfunny than Doug himself, which fails so much that it may actually drop off the scale and invert into a win. But perhaps not. Despite this, however, the male fanboys on TGWTG keep praising her shit in the hopes of getting Internet-laid.
MarzGurl
Kaylyn Dicksion, TGWTG's obligatory weeaboo dwelling in some rock near San Antonio, TX, spends the majority of her time blithering about her latest convention attendance and ranting about why cartoons/animation suck these days besides anime. If you don't love anime, then she'll h8 you. She's cool with being 34'ed as evidenced here, which appears to redeem her shitty character, but anyone with an IQ of room temperature would know that's like being cool with someone taking a bat to your totaled car. What's the fun in that?
That Chick With The Goggles
Krissy Diggs, a Negress who lost the contest for obvious reasons. True to her stereotype, she's the most useless contributor, making a plodding video once a year that is about a minute long. Apparently, her lack of contributions are due to a computer virus which compromised her security and, in the process, deleted fucking everything. Looks like someone needed to take Computer Science III.
Since all three were in the finals, and the fans were about to riot and kill everyone due to the possibility of their favorite fap material going away, Doug gave The Dudette the title of Nostalgic Chick while the rest would be allowed to continue posting crappy videos to the site.
Other Contributors
ThatDudeInTheSuede
Linkara
DO IT FAGGOT!
Film Brain
Complete with
shit eating grin.
Film Brain is Some English 13 year old boy by the name of Matthew Buck, who thinks pointing out why bad movies are bad makes him cool, as well as Equilibrium for some reason. With his Brit accent it's a close call to declare him a smarmy git or just really British. He also appears to have been taught at the "Chris Bores school of acting" as he can only ever emote in one expression, sarcasm... badly.
Occasionally, he'll fuck up jokes by having no idea what he's talking about (i.e. Quantum Leap doesn't work that way). I mean why even bother alluding to a TV show or movie when you don't even know the basic premise? Even fellow reviewers on TGWTG have offered to "slap (Film Brain) until the stupid falls out", and it would be his most popular video too. It's also well known to note that he liked Transformers II better then a Tarantino movie, which is why people have offered to kill him. Besides this, Film Brain has a strange tendency to *bleep* out his curse words in one video, but then saying the same words with no censor in the other.
Also, in according with his shitty videos and taste, Film Brain is the one of two admins of the ENTIRE FORUM OF TGWTG, making him the main perpetrator as to why it's always filled with furfaggotry.HopeWithinChaos
resembling a thumb.
Sean Fausz With more rolls of fat than Bennett could ever hope to have, HopeWithinChaos fails so hard, even howdoishotweb blushes in embarrassment. Like his chunky compatriots, Sean is insufferably unfunny. His main claim to fame, Epic Fail, is a show based on collecting stale memes from a million years ago, mixing them with commentary that is so unfunny even furries would shake their heads in disgust, and regurgitates them onto the site much to the glee of his few fans.
It's essentially like America's Funniest Home Videos, only if Bob Saget had a full frontal lobotomy, became a whale, and showed clips of videos that have been seen by everyone and their grandparents.
Unfortunately, like his British compatriot above, he also has admin status at the forums, giving this fatass unlimited power over the herd.TheDistressedWatcher/TheAmazingAtheist
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! It's official. They hired TheAmazingAtheist.
| No fucking kidding. |
Little Miss Gamer/PBC Productions
A butter-faced troll-like creature stolen from abandoned by ScrewAttack who looks like she is at least 80 years old (despite being only about 30-- Wait, she's 30? Ha ha ha!) who reviews shitty old games in the style of a retarded, homely Betty Boop rip-off. Despite the fact that her reviews could cure the worst cases of insomnia, she still commands a small, cult following on the website. And of course, being the respectable reviewer she is, she literally begged this small group following for a DS towards the end of her review of the Simon, despite the fact that she can afford a Wii and Wii Fit.
Of course, the fans couldn't contain themselves, and not only sent her a DS, but a Gameboy Color too! To this day, she has no shame in begging her audience for such a cheap toy.
Ha ha, what a whore!Blistered Thumbs
Since TGWTG decided they weren't ripping off AVGN enough, and realizing that the Internets really didn't give a shit about a review site unless the subject matter was video games, they desperately whored up a bunch of random video game reviewers from all over the Internet, the majority being ScrewAttack rejects. Since Doug has received far too many complaints from his cock worshipers, the admins have finally decided to give this pile of shit its own site. Ironically, however, more and more people seem to be visiting TGWTG in order to watch this shit (probably because nobody cares about movies, just video games), so one can now notice Nostalgia Critic updates being rammed up the ass of visitors to the site because nobody gives a shit about the site's precious leading manchild anymore.Angry Joe
Moments before prolapsing.
Get it? He's angry. DURR HURR HURR HURR. Angry Joe is a spiked crewcut homo beaner that essentially serves as TGWTG's answer to the AVGN, or as a placemarker until they can nab someone more popular NO WAIT, They have Dr. Ashens now!!!
Bennett the Sage
Bennett White is a lardassed game reviewer that reviews RPGs and recently released games, in an extremely monotonic, repetitive voice. His videos offer zero entertainment and have absolutely no redeemable factors whatsoever, though some of his fans say he has managed to improve in quality from his earlier reviews.
As banal as they come, Bennett stands as a classic example of Blistered Thumb's fail.Benzaie
Pondering on if heterosexuality ever existed in France.
The Spoony Experiment
Lee Is Still Gaming
Lee Davidge, better known as SashaNein, (Also known as "Still Gaming") initially appears to to a sensible, rational human being, with well thought out video game reviews and agreeable points on mid-80's to early-90's technology, but instead turns out to be a complete and utter fucking nut-job wacko.
He suffers from a severe case of hypochondria, in his case a crippling stomach pain which makes him incapable of making reviews for months at a time, but bizarrely also allows him to make countless "vlogs" describing his symptoms constantly to gain sympathy votes.
When Lee is not making videos about his stomach illness, he enjoys taking it up the ass from PBC Productions, Classic Game Room and That Guy With The Glasses as he can never get through one fucking video or paragraph without sucking up to them at least twice. (though being their bitch may actually explain his constant stomach pains).
Lee also is the only person on YouTube to suffer from pretend Lou Garrick's disease, as he has never appeared moving on screen, he's only seen in a collection of awkward poses to slightly lessen the monotony of his rants.
Lee has, on rare occasions, shown the potential to be a good source of e-drama as he becomes agitated and defensive quite easily. Whether it's fending off criticism of his derivative and mediocre work, or standing up for his whale of a fiance Dena after revealing herself to be a furry. These events did not nearly create as much lulz as they could have due to his show being of such little noteworthiness at the time they simply flew under the radar.ThatAussieGuy
Professional liar and all-round cunt.
Dan Rizzo, a former game reviewer from Australia that reviewed crappy games and crappy movies about his homeland, who can't keep his mouth shut for five seconds unless he's spewing some sort of total bullshit from his fat wallaby fucking ass. After hearing about his feud with Spoony, TGWTG admins eventually decided to permaban him from the site, which caused an uproar with fans curious about their Aussie's sudden departure. Thus far, TGWTG's staff has not spoken out, leading to wild rumors and extended drama. It is speculated ThatAussieGuy got fired because of his lack of updates and just being a preening faggot, but seeing TGWTG fanboys have about as much rationality as a schizophrenic, this probably holds about as much weight as a starving Ethiopian. It's becoming even more obvious as of late, with Aussie leaving lulzy tags in his JewTube videos, copying someone's Contra gameplay video and dubbing over it like he's playing the game, and posting a trailer of utter hilarity claiming to tell all about TGWTG, only to puss out a day later.
And nothing of value was lost.Rule 34 Gallery
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NC v. AVGN
Over the period of a few months, NC generated enough fans to rival the AVGN, which created massive butthurt among the latter's loyal concubines that are the Nerd Nazis. As their collective, blistered anuses grew sorer, they resorted, in classic lolcow fashion, to accusing NC of ripping off their icon (which he doesn't need to, because he has 'Blistered Thumbs' to do that for him. After several fake face-off videos and feuding for a year, the two decided to link their cocks together and review a shitty movie about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, ending with the two raping each other. Since then, now their respective fans walk hand-in-hand on the streets like gay couples.
See Also
- Angry Video Game Nerd – Future acquisition for TGWTG after James gets too old for ScrewAttack.
- Video Game Reviewers – Potential future Blistered Thumbs fodder.
- Alexander4488 – Obsessed Forum poster on TGWTG with aspirations of becoming a feature on the site.
- Irate Gamer – He whom Must not be named. It's actually surprising that he's NOT on TGWTG yet, but that would cause more drama with AVGN fans, whom the site have worked so hard to convince that they aren't ripping off their hero.
- Mystery Science Theater 3000 – Another program featuring reviews of poorly constructed films.
External Links
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That Guy With The Glasses is part of a series on YouTube |
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