Legend of Zelda

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

FACT: Link hates Jews.

Legend of Zelda is a video game in which you play as a gay faerie dressed in green underwear. Level nine is revealed by blowing up that one rock with a bomb. Don't do it though, because it's now old meme.

[edit] Characters

Link fists his fans before each battle.

• Link - Throughout the series, Link is surrounded by maidens, fairies, damsels in distress, female townsfolk, and some guy who really isn't a guy but looks like a guy even though he's really a girl. And yet not once at any time in the game does he show any attraction towards any of the aforementioned women, except for a slight grin given to a fat slutty bar owner with tits the size of Canada. The only reason why he's saving them in the first place is for the lulz, dammit. He's had over 9000 chances to have sex, but he did not. He has, however, hugged men and been molested by men (or undead men, anyway), and as thus he is gay. But really, Link is obviously a victim of rape. The zombies have his way with him again and again, and he's powerless against their advances. I almost feel sorry for the guy... NOT! ololol

Zelda cosplay. ITS A TRAP

• Zelda - She is a retarded blonde who keeps getting fucking kidnapped by Ganon. You would think that she would learn, but since she's a woman, she's not very smart. Roles in Zelda games: In TLoZ, she gets kidnapped. In TAoL, she sleeps. In ALttP, she gets kidnapped and encased in a crystal. In LA, she is in the kitchen. In OoT, she turns into a man, then back into a woman, and then gets kidnapped. In MM, she gives Link a Kazoo, then goes to the kitchen. In OoA and OoS, she is in the kitchen for one game, then gets kidnapped in the other. In FS, she gets kidnapped. In TWW, she's a pirate, and she gets kidnapped. In FSA, she gets kidnapped. In TMC, she is turned into stone and then kidnapped. In TP, she gives Midna the Triforce of Wisdom, and then makes you believe that she disappeared into thin air, but later you find out that she has really been kidnapped. In PH, she is a pirate again, and she gets kidnapped and turned to stone.

Ganon frequently cums in Zelda.

• Ganon - Massive nigger irl troll with powers who keeps kidnapping Zelda. When Link is away fucking men, Ganon strikes. Roles in Zelda games: In TLoZ, he steals the Triforce of Power and rapes Zelda, then dies. In TAoL, he is dead, unless Link dies, then he is alive again. In ALttP, he stole the Triforce along ass-fucking time ago and rapes Zelda and other maidens, then dies. In LA, he fights Link at the end but not really because it is his shadow and just one of Link's nightmares. In OoT, he is a human named Ganondorf, but then he steals the Triforce, but not really, though, only the Triforce of Power, and has a bad acid trip that he never comes down from, permanently transforming him into the pig Ganon, but is too high to realize that the Sages seal him in the Sacred Realm. In OoA and OoS, he is dead, but then the Twinrova lesbians bring him back from the dead by pissing people off, and he wants to steal the Triforce, but then he dies. In TWW, came back and fucked shit up, so Hyrule flooded, so he turned into a human again, but he still has the Triforce of Power, and near the end, he transforms again into Ganon, lawl nope, you fight a wooden puppet of Ganon that kicks your ass, especially in fucking snake form, then you fight him as a human, and he dies. In FSA, he is a human, but you never see that because he gets the magic trident that has an evil spirit inside turns it's wielder into a monster that kicks ass regardless of however the fuck it works, but he is too busy fucking around with it to realize that the maiden seal him in the Four Sword. In TP, he tired to steal the Triforce long ago, but didn't and was killed, but not really though because the Triforce of Power brought him back to life, and the Sages seal him in the Twilight Realm this time, but he gets out because he's a sneaky bastard, and then he dies. In PH, the intro tells us about how Ganon died.

Tingle. Not much else I can add.

• Tingle - Tingle is a 35-year old man who thinks that he is the reincarnation of a fairy. He believes that Link is his master. In one game, Tingle kidnaps a man who shipwrecks on Tingle Island, dresses him up gay, and has him do dirty work for him. He was so cool that he got his own spin-off games: Tingle's Balloon Fight DS and Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosey Rupeeland. All Zelda fans unanimously agree that Tingle is the Zelda series' breakout character. Roles in games: In MM, he sucks dick and makes map, and if you take a picture of him to his father, his father will say that he disowned him for being a fag. In OoA and Oos nope, just OoA, he gives you a nutsack to put seeds in. In TWW, he is arrested for sexual assault, but then you get him out of prison, and in order to repay you, he made you pay out the ass to translate charts vital to the survival of the world. In FSA, he invites you and your clones to his house to play games, and he also writes a blog. In TMC, you must fuse Kinstones with him to get cool shit to win the game. In TP, he stop right there, faggot! Tingle is not in TP, but Purlo, someone equally as gay, looks just like him, except moar realisticker. Tingle is not actually gay, he screws Pinkle near the end of Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland.

...

• Impa - Impa's look changes throughout the games, but she is always letting Zelda get kidnapped because she sucks at babysitting her. Roles in games: In TLoZ, she is old, and she finds a kid to save all of Hyrule. In TAoL, she is still old, and she tells Link about how he can raep the sleeping Zelda. In OoT, she is a dyke who is really a sage. In OoA and OoS, she has big tits, and if she weren't so fat, she might actually be fuckable.

When you see Dark Link... you will shit bricks.

• Dark Link - He is the same fucking thing as Link, except evil. He likes to rape Link. Roles in games: In TAoL, he guards the Triforce of Courage and kicks Link's ass. In OoT, he hides behind a tree, then jumps out and raeps him. In OoA, he is retarded and can only run into Link to attack. In the Gameboy Advance remake of ALttP, four of the bastards try to gangbang Link. In FSA, Ganon makes an army of these motherfuckers for one epic sexual assault. In TP, Link has a nightmare that HE is Dark Link, and that he wants to rape HIMSELF!

O rly?

• Kaepora Gaebora - He is an owl who will never STFU. Good thing he's only in like 4 games or so. The developers obviously saw the lulzy potential in this, because after 4 years-worth of dialogue, the bird finally asks you if you understood everything. Naturally by the time you get to this part, you aren't even paying attention to the fucking game and just pressing the A button to skip. Well, it just so happens that the developers put "No" where "Yes" normally is, thus causing the owl to repeat his bullshit ALL OVER AGAIN. He also adds "HOO HOOT!" onto the end of everything he says. Roles in games: In LA, he tells you about how the Wind Fish is a fatass and won't wake the fuck up, so you gotta go get instruments to get him up. wrong, faggort, the owl in LA doesn't have a name. In OoT, he is a reincarnation of a sage who annoys the shit out of you by talking forever (see Mr. Resetti), but he abandons you 7 years later when you are an adult because he is a deadbeat dad that I haven't seen since he ran away with that fucking whore... In MM, he does the exact same thing as OoT, except you only see the prick twice. In FSA, he talks about Vaati, the Four Sword, Ganon, and other shit that nobody cares about.

Vaati is very SPOOKY!!!

• Vaati - He is the pussy bad guy of the Four Sword games that looks like a bat. He used to be a midget, but now he is a bat. Oh, and he also has one eye. Roles in games: In FS, he escapes the Four Sword, kidnaps Zelda, then gets sealed in the Four Sword again because he is a retard. In FSA, he teams up with Ganon and escapes the Four Sword, but he is killed because he is still a retard. In TMC, we find out that he used to be a dwarf, but he used a magical hat to transform into ultra-pussy, one-eyed bat mode, and he dies at the end instead of being sealed in the Four Sword so it can't connect to FS very well lulz.

Legend of Zelda is also sauce of meme phrases

• Old Man - He is an Engrish-speaking genius who saves Link's ass all the time by giving him cool shit and advice, like "DODGONO DISLIKES SMOKE" or "THERE ARE SECRETS WHERE FAIRIES DON'T LIVE." If you piss him off, he will shoot fireballs at you and pwn you.

More terrifying than The Ring.

• Midna - SPOILERS MIDNA IS THE TWILIGHT PRINCESS OMFG!!!! Nobody actually knows what Midna did in the game because people either (1) didn't play Twilight Princess due to its fail, or (2) were so turned on by Midna that they fapped when they should have been paying attention to the plot.

Zelda II is still widely considered to be the greatest game ever made.

• Error - He is Error.

Hai listen all your base are belong to us right? cause i said so.

• Navi - The annoying fairy who 'assists' Link in the Legend of Zelda Ocarina of time.

The Happy Mask Salesman, better known as Shigeru Miyamoto

• Happy Mask Salesman - Appears in Majora's Mask and is really Shigeru Miyamoto (note the Mario mask). Has the power to travel through space and time, probably how he was inspired to make the Zelda series in the first place.

[edit] Games

Similar to Final Fantasy, every single Legend of Zelda game is the same but with better 8-bit graphics and shittier gameplay. Link has to constantly save the world and rescue the same bitch over and over again. Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom, yet is still too stupid to avoid Ganon on her own, so she has to get an even more retarded character to help her.

Due to the nature of the plot similarity of many Zelda games, the plot of most can be efficiently determined using this paragraph, conveniently filling in the blanks with the table. It is well known within Nintendo that using random fill-ins, one can easily write a whole new Zelda game!

In 'The Legend of Zelda: (1),' the land is in danger because (2), so Link must (3). In order to do this, he must collect three (4), granting him the (5). This is not enough though, as (6). So Link must do even more work to collect (7). He then gets the (8) sword, which he uses to defeat (9). However, it did not end here, as he still had to (10).

Note that in Twilight Princess, steps 5 and 6 occur in reverse order.

The Legend of Zelda series is held in high regard by fans for it's stunning graphics and intriguing characters

Link seen here searching for the Triforce. (NOTE: If you are over the age of 18 and you looked at this picture for more than three seconds, you ARE a pedophile and you WILL be v& by the FBI shortly)

[edit] The Legend of Zelda I

Ganon pwns Hyrule, steals the Triforce of Power, and kidnaps Zelda. She breaks up the Triforce of Wisdom, unfortunately, and spreads it throughout Hyrule so Ganon can't get it. She sends some old bitch named Impa to find someone to help, and since she is senile, she finds a 10-year old boy named Link and asks him to save Hyrule. Some uninteresting shit happens, Link kills Ganon and saves Zelda, and the game is over.

[edit] Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

Known as the best Zelda evar made, Zelda II starts with Link turning 16. After doing some bad crack, he sees a mark on the back of his hand and develops an uncontrollable desire to fuck. He remembers that Impa is old, and probably wouldn't be able to fight Link off, so he heads to Hyrule Castle to find her. When he arrives, she tells him that the another princess named Zelda is permanently asleep, and she is hotter, so he can fuck her without her fighting back at all. Before Impa will unlock the door to the sleeping Zelda's room, however, she wants Link to find the Triforce of Courage first. Why? Because the fat fuck was hungry and heard it was sugar-coated. Link sets off on a quest to get pussy.

[edit] A Link to the Past

The third game tells us where Ganon and the Triforce came from. Ganon was an Arab named Ganondorf who found his way into the Sacred Realm. He wished for death to the infidels, but instead the Triforce turned him into a pig and changed the Sacred Realm into Hell. Centuries later, Ganon sends some douche to Hyrule to fuck shit up and kill maidens, and Link is not okay with that. He gets the Master Sword, then goes to Hell to fuck the maidens, kill Ganon, and get the Triforce so he can wish for moar pussy.

[edit] Link's Awakening

The citizens of Hyrule find out that Link is gay, so they banish him from the land in a sailboat. After going from country to country, looking for a new home, he became depressed and purposely sailed into a storm to kill himself. Instead of dying, he awoke on Koholint Island, and some bitch named Marin told him that the Wind Fish would kill him, but first he has to wake the fatass fish up with some music. After defeating his worse nightmares, the Wind Fish screws Link over and curses him with immortality, then makes him drift in the ocean for eternity.

[edit] CD:i games

Widely regarded as the greatest Zelda game ever created, whether it's the Russian voice actors, the fantastic graphics or the appearance of a mysterious bearded middle-easterner on a flying carpet; many consider this a high point in the history of video games. The actual plot features you trying to find the book of Corodai, if you're playing the Link version, or trying to make a sandwich, in the Zelda version. This game spawned the meme; Mah boi, for which it will never be forgiven. This game has been proven by top-notch scientists to "Just suck balls."

[edit] Ocarina of Time

Gay pixie boy Link finds an ocarina that allows him to fuck with time. The next 70 hours of the game are spent listening to an owl who uses the menu interface to trick you. Thought of by many as the first game in the franchise because they never heard of 2D. But srsly, a lot of people like this game. This must count for something, right? Either way, it needed moar of the sexiest fish ever, Ruto. Also, Zelda transformed into a man in order to hide her identity from the Evil King, Ganon.

[edit] Majora's Mask

Gay pixie boy Link is once again fucking with time, this time on an alternate dimension. Apparently he reached this alternate dimension after some homeless nigger kid tried to steal his horse in a forest. Here he discovers that a fucking ugly moon is going to crush on earth in three days, and Link decides to save the world for the lulz once again. Using his trusty ocarina now he has the ability to rewind time to the dawn of the first day everytime he wants. Using various masks for transforming into various beings such as Deku, Zora, Gerudo Shemale, Link gains new amazing abilities like shooting bubbles, swimming and buttsecks. The nigger kid seems to be gay for the four giants, and there's a gay friendship message at the end of the game.

[edit] Oracle of Ages, Oracle of Seasons, and Oracle of Hyrule's History

These were the first Zelda games made by Capcom, who made the game about that robot kid with an arm canon. The Triforce turns on Link and sends him to the lands of Labrynna and Holodrum, where he must use time travel and seasons to stop Veran, Onyx, Twinrova, and Ganon from raising hell. He wins, and the Triforce is safe again. At the end of the game, people discover that he is gay, and banish him from Hyrule, but these events are completely separate from the beginning of Link's Awakening, timeline fags. A third game was also made in which Link finds a document detailing the entire history of Hyrule and it's world, which gives us the complete Zelda timeline. Apparently, the ideas for all of the games after the Oracles were thought of, as Four Swords, The Wind Waker, Four Swords Adventures, The Minish Cap, Twilight Princess, Phantom Hourglass, and Zelda Wii are all mentioned in the document of Hyrule's history. HAHA! DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS! CAPCOM WAS TOO LAZY TO MAKE THE THIRD GAME!!!

[edit] The Legend of Zelda for Nintendo Gamecube 2000

This promising new game unveiled at Spaceworld 2000 will be the best and most realistic Zelda game to date. An adult Link battles Ganondorf with his trusty Master Sword. The sparks fly as the battle heats up. Based on the video, this game will not disappoint. It looks like the start of a great new era for Zelda games.HAHA! DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS!!! NINTENDO MADE THE WIND WAKER INSTEAD!!!!

This guy agrees that Zelda makes no sense whatsoever.

[edit] Four Swords

The first Zelda to be handled by yaoi fanboy Eiji Aonuma and also the first multiplayer game in the series. Caused fangirls and gays (and both) to jerk off in their masses when it was revealed that, OMG, it was going to feature a sword that multiplies Link by four. No doubt to have a gang bang or something. Of course nobody knows whether this actually happens because nobody had enough Game Boys to play it. Yet another brilliant marketing ploy by Nintendo.

[edit] Wind Wanker

A cel-shaded game in which gay pixie boy Link sails around a giant ocean of blue paint with the King of Red Lions, a small Chinese boat named after the British tavern where Nintendo head honcho Shigeru Miyamoto got his first bit o' Mudkipz. This boat is used to travel in the overworld of the game, a huge, empty, boring, sea of blue paint with stains of white. Despite being a relatively low-budget title, Wind Wanker has gained much notoriety due to the Triforce hunt at the end, which consists of rounding up all the small children in the land and bringing them to Tingle Island for candy. Wow, no wonder he was in jail. This game was acclaimed for it's massive sea full of very interesting islands (exactly 49 small empty pieces of shit floating on that sea of blue paint). But in all honesty, despite a score of 9.5 from gamerankings, this game sucks cocks, and this proves that most reviews for this game were written by nintendo fangirls and faggots.

[edit] Four Swords Adventures

The same as Four Swords, except Ganon is in this one. It also sucked as bad as Four Swords.

[edit] The Minish Cap

This game tells us where Vaati and the Four Sword came from. Vaati used to be a midget, and the Four Sword was made by midgets. It is as interesting as it sounds.

[edit] Twilight Princess

After a few years of fapping over what the next game would be (and several years of Nintendo doing it wrong), Twilight Princess was released for Wii Gamecube Wii Gamecube Wii Gamecube Wii Gamecube GAMECUBE DAMMIT!, and ported to the Wii because Nintendo is lazy. Taking place at least 100 years after Ocarina of Time, it has still the same plot, the only difference is that now link can transform into a wolf. One of the biggest controversies of the game is that Link is left-handed, and the right-handed wii remote caused shit to get waaaay fucked up.

The greatest troll ever, who we'll call "Fatty Mcfatterson", gave Twilight Princess an 8.8 at Gamespot, causing much Internets drama. Naturally, fanboys everywhere exploded in an unprecedented nerd rage, despite they had never even played the game before. Even more ironic, after the game's release, they were complaining about how much it sucked, how overhyped it was, and how it deserved a 5 out of 10. Just goes to show you how stupid fantards can be.

Don't be surprised when you see the fucking furries and nerds fapping over this game. Shirtless Link? Jailbait Beth? Dominatrix Midna? Mayor Bo's mustache? Queen Latifah Telma's tits? This game was screaming fap no matter what spectrum you hailed from. EVEN FUCKING GANONDORF IS A FURRY!!!111!!!! Ganondorf's always been a giant pig, faggot.

[edit] Phantom Hourglass

The fail levels of the game are so high that it barely deserves to be mentioned. Basically a rip off of Wind Waker with higher fail levels, shittier graphics, and a gay pedophile, Linebeck. Wait... Uncyclopedia used the Linebeck/Micheal Jackson joke. AW SHIT. Anyway;

To sum the game up, you run around looking for Tetra/Zelda because she forgot to stay in the kitchen and got herself raped like a stupid bitch.

Rule 34? Link does it wrong.

[edit] The Legend of Zelda Wii

Miyamoto has said that the Zelda team is working on a new steaming pile of shit Zelda for the Wii, but has refused to give any more details.

[edit] Tingle's Rupeeland Super-Faggy Awesome Adventure

This is a spin-off game about Tingle, which was never released in the U.S. because it sucked so bad. There is no plot summary, however, because since the game was so horrible, nobody played it in the countries it was released in.

[edit] Fanboys

Just as with every other game series that was invented at least 100 years ago, there are a legion of fanboys who love discussing the game (and what Zelda Link HAHA!!! DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS!!! Midna would look like naked) while having a circle jerk.

[edit] Gannon-Banned

A minor GameFAQs meme originating from a guy taking Zelda way too seriously. He started a website detailing all of his "rules" for the Zelda fandom, and threatening anyone who transgressed with a GANNON-BAN. Note that the text at the top proclaiming it to be for the lulz is quite recent, and obviously a reaction to a severe case of butthurt. He also calls /b/ his army to invade Nintendo, which has an inherent flaw.

[edit] The Zelda Timeline is Serious Fucking Business

This is what Miyamoto did to the timeline fags.

Most timeline theories can be summed up like this.

Since the Zelda games are intentionally made out of chronological order, many fans of the series like to discuss their timeline theories. When these people try to "win" a debate, most of them yell, cuss, and analyze every detail of their story to avoid continuity errors and plotholes with other games, as the developers did when writing the games' stories, in order to prove their theory is correct, and all others are wrong.

Zelda forum mods are usually biased. They usually let people who agree with their ideas get away with anything, and people who don't agree with the mods usually get warnings and bans for the stupidest shit. For example, let's say that Zelda Fag 1 and Zelda Fag 2 are debating about whether or not the game Ocarina of Time is the Imprisoning War mentioned in the backstory of A Link to the Past. Zelda Mod and Zelda Fag 1 don't believe it is, and Zelda Fag 2 does. ZF1 tells ZF2 to fuck off multiple times because he thinks that ZF2 is a retard. ZF2 politely says that ZF1 is not using common sense and jokingly makes fun of him. Since Zelda Mod agrees with ZF1, ZF2 gets a warning, and ZF1 gets away with all of the douchery he wants.

Some of the following are threads usually present at all times on a timeline fag forum. Keep in mind that some of the titles are tl;dr unless you speak timelinefagian:

• "Ocarina of Time is not the Imprisoning War, faggort!"
• "The Minish Cap is not the first game in the timeline, faggort!"
• "The Oracle's are not the new backstory of Link's Awakening, faggort!"
• "There is no split timeline, faggort!"
• "Hyrule is revived after The Wind Waker, faggort!"
• "Here is my timeline, faggort!"
• "Miyamoto and Aonuma have screwed up the timeline with (New Zelda Game), faggort!"
• "I was fapping to Midna porn and had a timeline revelation, faggort!"
• "Derp, derp, derp, faggort!"

Some topics are extra tl;dr:

• "At the end of Ocarina of Time, Zelda sends Link back to a time after it is too late to prevent the adult timeline from happening, faggort!"
• "Take a look at this tiny continuity error that shakes the foundation of everything we know about the timeline, faggort!"
• "The Temple of the Four Sword in the Gameboy Advance remake of A Link to the Past is canon, faggort!"
• "In [Zelda Game A], Hyrule's geography is way different than in [Zelda Game B] and [Zelda Game C], so that must mean [something about Game A, B, and C, and how what you think about them is wrong], faggort!"

There are so many Zelda timeline discussion forums that I cannot list them all here. Look on just about any Zelda fansite, and you will find a timeline section to troll.

No, the makers of this timeline theory were not joking...at all.

[edit] Are You a Timeline Fag?

Ever wonder whether or not you are a timeline fag? Take this quick true/false quiz to find out.

• I believe that before the creators of Zelda make a new game, they play through every single previous Zelda game no less than 100 times in order to make sure there are no continuity errors between the games.
• I believe that if the creators intend to chronologically connect one game to another, they will always place a large number of references in the game.
• I believe that the creators will never retcon any previously established facts in the Zelda canon.
• I believe that no comments on the timeline from the creators can be trusted at all since a small number of those comments have been proven to be incorrect.
• I believe that in-game evidence determines what is canon more than the creators' intent.
• I believe that the creators care more about a game's gameplay than its storyline, but not really, though.

If you answered true to any of these questions, you are a timeline fag and should rethink your life.

[edit] Series Heads/Epic Win Trolls Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonuma Speak

Regarding the issue of the timeline, series heads Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonuma have both said that they have documents describing the the timeline in detail, but they are top secret and can never be viewed by ANYONE, EVAR!!! In order to mess with Zelda timeline theorists, these expert trolls purposely put contradicting evidence in each game, then sit back and watch the heated debates.

The Split Timeline Theory, also known as the Aonuma Standard Split, referred to by it's acronym.

[edit] Timeline Fag Quotes

Here are some examples of the theorists' faggotry:

Winnar of the Most Work Put into a Pointless Zelda Timeline Theory Award

Note the comparison of an important debate (the origin of the universe) with an unimportant one (the Zelda timeline).

The most important debate evar.

It is also a little known fact that Zelda timeline fags are distant cousins to tourneyfags.

[edit] Zelda Timeline Speak

Zelda timeline fags have a language of their own. In order to troll properly, you must know the incorrect meaning of these phrases in order to get more lulz from trolling them.

Imprisoning War - The backstory of A Link to the Past. During this war, the King of Hyrule suspects that Ganondorf has possession of the Triforce, so the King sends his army to the Sacred Realm to kill him. Many creators of Ocarina of Time have said that Ocarina was intended to be the Imprisoning War, but instead of listening to them, many timeline fags like to ignore the quotes and debate about it anyway.

Split Timeline - Eiji Aonuma has said that due to time travel, Ocarina of Time has two endings, which results in the timeline "splitting" into two branches. Some games take place after what is called the "Child Ending", and other games take place after the "Adult Ending." Despite the fact that Aonuma has said on two occasions, once in 2002 and again in 2006, that there is a split timeline, many timeline fags like to ignore the quotes and debate about it anyway.

TLoZ, TAoL, ALttP, LA, OoT, MM, OoA, OoS, FS, TWW, FSA, TMC, TP, or PH - Acronyms used to refer to the titles of various Zelda games. Timeline fags think you are an idiot if you don't know what each abbreviation stands for.

Hero of Time and Hero of Winds - A few of the Hero titles of various Links throughout the series. Make up a title for Link that doesn't appear in a game, then swear that you've seen it in a game before. I'll bet you over $9000 that some timeline fag will search for your fake Hero title in a text dump of the game just to prove to you that it isn't in the game.

BS Zelda no Densetsu Kodai no Sekiban or The Legend of Zelda: Ancient Stone Tablets - Since Japan is bettar than the U.S., it got a super-exclusive Zelda game that was essentially A Link to the Past, but with all of the shit in different places. The story is that after A Link to the Past, Link decides that he can't find the perfect man in Hyrule and must leave. Instead of playing as Link, you play as a man or a woman, who must kill a revived Ganon. Some argue that that the game shows that the creator's intent was for Link to be away on his journey we see in Link's Awakening. Tell a timeline fag that the game isn't a part of the timeline, and they will debate with you about it for hours.

Multiple Links/Zeldas/Ganons/Etc. - Throughout the Zelda series, there are multiple Links. Each of them star in about 2-3 games before everyone gets bored of them and the creators move on. If you tell a timeline fag that there is only one Link in the entire series, they will get angry and flame you. Tell a timeline fag that each Link is the previous Link reincarnated, and they will debate with you about it for hours.

"The boats look the same because it's a homage, faggot!"

Homage - This word has a slightly different meaning among timeline fags. If a game has something in it which could potentially connect it to another game and ruining their theory, they will say that it is a "homage" to the other game. Here are some examples. (WARNING!!!: THE FOLLOWING EXAMPLES MAY CONTAIN SHIT NOBODY CARES ABOUT!!!)

• Despite the fact that many creators have said that Ocarina of Time was intended to be the Imprisoning War, since Ganon only gets the Triforce of Powar as opposed to the entire Triforce like in the Imprisoning War legend, as well as other huge differences, many timeline fags claim that Ocarina is just a "homage" to that war.

• Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons fit the backstory of Link's Awakening, but since the creators care about the timeline a lot and would clearly put in more references to Link's Awakening if they truly intended for the Oracles to be it's prequel, and since A Link to the Past was already the prequel of Link's Awakening and things previously established cannot evar be changed, the Oracle games are just a "homage" to Link's Awakening.

• In The Minish Cap, Link gets his green hat for the first time, and the end of the game says that the game was Link's first adventure. Again, though, since the creators obviously care about the timeline a lot and would clearly put more thought into the information placed into the game if they really intended for The Minish Cap to be the first chronological game, and since Ocarina of Time has been the first chronological game forevar and can nevar not evar be first, the green hat and other information is just a "homage" to Link's green cap and the idea that there are multiple Links.

Retcon or Retroacitve Continuity - The type of retcons in question alter or subtract from what has already been established. According to timeline fag logic, the less the developers care about the timeline, the less they care enough to retcon. If you say, "Wouldn't it make more sense that the less the developers care about the timeline, the less likely they would be to respect what has already been established?" you are a retard who doesn't even know, and you should just GTFO of the discussion. Timeline fags do not believe in retcons, as the developers clearly take the Zelda canon as seriously as the Gospel.

http://www.nintendo.co.jp/n02/dmg/azlj/index.html - The 10-year old official Nintendo of Japan website that timeline fags will cite as undeniable proof that the timeline placement of Link's Awakening has not been moved from after A Link to the Past to after the Oracle games. Even though the website has not been updated since three years before the Oracles were released, timeline fags believe that there is absolutely no way the official site is wrong.

http://www.zelda.com/universe/ - The official Nintendo of America website for The Legend of Zelda series. A few years ago some troll who wrote for the site decided to post his timeline theory on the site, causing much BAWWWWing among timeline fags, since the troll's theory ignored very important Zelda timeline details. THE SOM'A'BITCH'S TIMELINE ALSO HAD ONE LINK, WHICH EVERY TIMELINE FAG KNOWS IS NOT TRUE!!! After visiting the site and seeing the timeline, Miyamoto wanted to be the only timeline fag troll, so he ordered that the timeline be removed immediately. Timeline fags believe that any information on zelda.com is automatically false because of the troll's timeline shinanigans.

The Miyamoto Order - Back around 1998 when Ocarina of Time was released, Miyamoto was asked about the timeline. Even though there were only 5 games then, he still found a way to troll timeline fags. He said, "Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original Legend of Zelda, then Zelda II: The Adventure of Link, and finally A Link to the Past. It's not very clear where Link's Awakening fits in--it could be anytime after Ocarina of Time." Timeline fags haet Miyamoto for this because placing the two NES games between Ocarina and Past messes with the story arc between those two latter games, and Awakening was intended to go after Past, not just anywhere after Ocarina, FGT. Because Miyamoto made one incorrect statement, timeline fags don't trust any developers' statements, just in case they are all wrong.

[edit] How to troll Zelda timeline theorist/fanboys

Important Zelda terminology

• Call Link "Zelda."
• Ask them if Link is a faggot since he wears a skirt and is friends with a fairy.
• Tell them that you think World of Warcraft is better than Zelda because it is for more hardcore gamers.
• Say that there is no Zelda timeline, and every game is a retelling of the same legend.
• Say that you think Tingle is cool.
• Make up some random order of games and say that it is your timeline theory. When you get flamed, say that the creators don't care about the timeline, so your timeline could be correct.
• Say that the CD-i games, Soul Calibur II, Super Smash Bros. games, Zelda cartoons, and Game and Watch games are a part of the timeline.
• Tell them that there is only one Link and Zelda starring in all of the games.
• Say that Zelda II: The Adventure of Link is the best Zelda game.
• Say that Ocarina of Time is the worst Zelda game.
• Say that there is a fourth piece of the Triforce. Timeline fags will go apeshit. If they use the prefix "tri" as a defense that there should only be three pieces, remind them that the original Zelda game had an eight-piece Triforce, so the "tri" means nothing.
• Argue with them about the plot points of a certain game, then tell them you have never played that game.
• Ask them who Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonuma are.
• Ask them why they keep calling Link 'he.'
• Insist that the Zelda series is inspired by the 1985 Tom Cruise abortion of a movie "Legend".
• Say that Zelda II is not part of the series because the title doesn't have "The Legend of".

[edit] Jesus, Timeline Fags Make Videos Now?

[edit] The Timeline on Zelda Wikis

Since the beginning of time (5000, B.C.), there have been Wikis. Since the beginning of Zelda (1986, A.D.), there have been Zelda Wikis. While many of them were created with the pure intent of organizing Zelda information in a Wiki format, timeline fags had to come and corrupt them. Just about every single Zelda Wiki has a page or so devoted to the Zelda timeline. Take a look at these excerpts from different Zelda Wiki timeline pages.

• "Unfortunately, as time went on the sheer amount of information being introduced into the Legend of Zelda canon made a complete understanding less possible. Games such as The Wind Waker and Four Swords Adventures seemed to strain the connection between older games, and many fans began to wonder whether the Four Swords series had a place in the timeline at all. English fans of the series wanting to learn more of the timeline began to discuss the concept on the Internet, slowly reaching conclusions on those issues which could be resolved and falling into bitter debate on those which could not. They continue to argue, dissecting Twilight Princess and Phantom Hourglass." -Zelda Wiki.org, Zelda Timeline, Overview.

• "The Bombers were originally formed as a response to the growing number of unofficial theory groups in the Theory section of the Zelda Universe forums. The groups were accused of dominating all discussion and causing unnecessary internet drama. In order to avoid the mistakes of the past, all Bombers members were encouraged to break all connections to previous groups they may have been a part of. All Bombers articles aim to be as unbiased and objective as possible, still maintaining the spirit of theory discussion, which is based heavily on debate." -Zeldapedia, The Bombers (Theory Group). You read that right. The article is about a group that sits around and writes articles about the Zelda timeline.

• "The only thing that's known for sure is that there's a split, the young timeline and the old timeline, splitting right after OoT, Wind Waker follows the adult, and Twilight Princess follows the young, Ganondorf being executed after Link explains Ganondorf's plan to the king. There is a timeline theory that is very popular on youtube, however it is wrong on several accounts." -Zelda NeoWiki, Timeline. Short article, but enough content to let you know that a timeline fag wrote it.

• "Since the Zelda games are intentionally made out of chronological order, many fans of the series like to discuss their timeline theories. When these people try to "win" a debate, most of them yell, cuss, and analyse every detail of their story to avoid continuity errors and plotholes with other games, as the developers did when writing the games' stories, in order to prove their theory is correct, and all others are wrong." -Encyclopedia Dramatica, Legend of Zelda, The Zelda Timeline is Serious Fucking Business. Hey, wait a second...

[edit] In Soviet Russia, fanboy trolls you!

On June 24, 2008, a link to this very page was posted on the timeline section of the Legends Alliance Forums by an ED user, who also pointed out that many of the fanboys that lurk on those forums were mentioned in the article. Later the same day, a new user known as AuraTwilight registered on ED, and attempted to erase the entire section about the Zelda timeline on this page. While the page was reverted to normal shortly afterwards, it's obvious that some timeline fags saw the article, were promptly butthurt, and took it upon themselves to delete fucking everything so the rest of the world wouldn't know what goes on during serious Zelda timeline discussions.

Obviously, since they felt the need to remove some lulz from our fair site, it's only in the interest of great justice that we drop by their site and add some lulz of our own.

[edit] Zelda Timeline Theorist's Response to This Article

Wow, let me just say, wow. Encyclopedia Dramatica is so ignorant of what we Zelda timeline theorists respresent. All we are trying to do is make sense of the games' stories and put them into perspective. Think of it this way: could you enjoy Batman Begins and The Dark Knight if you didn't know whether or not they were a part of the same continuity as Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and Batman & Robin? Absolutely not! The overall timeline is important because whether or not a game's story is good depends on a game's timeline placement.

I was looking at Veriboy's user page, the author of the timeline section, and he claimed to think that timeline debating is something that is fun. I'm calling bullshit. If you think that timeline debates are "fun" and that they shouldn't be taken so seriously, you obviously don't know enough about Zelda to even discuss it. Okay, okay, so Miyamoto and Aonuma have said that they think gameplay focused on during development more than story. Yeah, they've said that an individual game's story is determined before it's overall timeline placement. That doesn't necessarily mean that the overall timeline isn't their top priority. They just work three times as hard during the little time that they devote to the timeline. You wanna doubt that, faggot? Huh? I've played every single Zelda game, even the CD-i games, and I've read every developer's interview! I think that I would know more about Zelda's development process than you because I've devoted my life to finding the official timeline.

I've heard that Miyamoto and Aonuma have a computer document outlining the overall Zelda timeline detail. I think that it is very in-depth and probably has dozens of plots for games that haven't even been made yet. What do YOU think about it? I bet that you think it is simply a list of all the game's in chronological order, don't you? Well, Encyclopedia Dramatica, you can fuck off because I swear to God I will come to each and every one of your houses to beat you up if you don't remove this article immediately.

I'm gonna go fap to Midna porn now. You all think about what I said.

[edit] Eiji Aonuma's Response to This Article

This is Eiji Aonuma (no, rly, it is!). A Nintendo of America employee came across this article and translated it for me. I think it is hilarious that some Zelda fans took the timeline this seriously. There is an official timeline on Shigeru Miyamoto's laptop and my own. I said that it was classified, but I think it's time I release some sections of it to the public. I will now post excerpts from the timeline file, which shows how much Shigeru and I have been fucking with timeline fags over the years.

P.S.: You sick fucks also better stop jacking off to Midna! I wouldn't have ever made the bitch had I thought that she would bring so many furries out of the fur-closet! Goddammit! Are you going to start rubbing your balls to Kaepora Gaebora next?

[edit] Excerpts from "The Official Legend of Zelda Timeline" on Shigeru Miyamoto's and Eiji Aonuma's Laptops

• (September 27, 1990) Triforce of the Gods [A Link to the Past] comes before The Legend of Zelda: Triforce will give us the origin of Ganon and the Triforce. In order to confuse people about the link between Triforce and Zelda, let's kill Ganon at the end of the former. Also, when sending the game to America to be translated, make sure Nintendo of America fucks up the translation really bad if we make a game in the future about the Seal [Imprisoning] War.

• (March 4, 1996) Ocarina of Time is the Seal War mentioned at the beginning of Triforce of the Gods: While Ocarina is the Seal War, I don't think that we should make the connection perfect. Let's fuck with some details in order to mess with fans. Also, make the ending very ambiguous about whether or not two timelines are split from one and whether or not Link's entire adventure even happened or not.

• (July 21, 1999) Magician's Mask [Majora's Mask] must confuse fans more: It doesn't matter what the story of Mask is. Just make sure that it messes with the connection between Ocarina and Triforce. Also, make a character that is even gayer than Link who is 35-years old and thinks that he is the reincarnation of a fairy. Draw parallels between this character and the fans of the series.

• (December 13, 1999) Tell Capcom to abort The Legend of Zelda remake: Capcom has never made a Zelda game, so they don't know how to properly piss off the fans. Tell them to ditch the remake of the original game. Tell them to make two games that can come in any order. That will anger some. Also, tell them to tell the public that they are making three games. When the people find out Capcom is only making two, that will screw with them even more. End the game with a boat, implying that the games happen before Dreaming Island [Link's Awakening], and that game no longer happens after Triforce. All of those things combined will triple-fuck the fans.

• (January 20, 2000) Baton of Winds [The Wind Waker] and the split timeline: Before you do any work on Baton, make a really awesome and realistic tech demo for Space World this year, and then abandon that graphical style and use a simple anime art style. The shitstorm will then commence. Then play off the fact that Ocarina ended weird for the Baton story. Say that the timeline split, and that Baton happens after the adult ending of Ocarina. Even though Mask takes place after the child ending of Ocarina, throw a reference to that game into Baton. Nerd rage!!! Also, make a bunch of statements in the game that suggest that Hyrule could come back after Baton so fans will use it as an arguement against the split timeline.

• (October 11, 2003) Four Swords + [Four Swords Adventures] and Triforce of the Gods: Make a bunch of references to Triforce in Plus. Make it seem as if it is a prequel to Triforce, but then throw in some confusing facts, like a new origin for Ganon, multiple Ganons, etc. Also, make a land and call it the Evil Realm [Dark World], but make sure it isn't the same as the one from Triforce.

• (December 28, 2003) The Mysterious Hat [The Minish Cap] comes before Four Swords: Tell Capcom to explain where Vaati and the Four Sword come from in Hat, but kill Vaati in the end instead of sealing him in the Four Sword in order to make a connection to the backstory of Swords confusing. Also, make Hat the first game in the timeline, even before Ocarina. Instead of overexplaining everything, throw in some references that vaguely imply that it is first so fans fight about it.

• (January 5, 2004) Twilight Princess and the split timeline: Make Princess confuse fans even more about what happens after the ending of Ocarina. Skip a bunch of shit so fans have to guess, just like always. Ganondorf should die at the end, but make him die standing up so people think that he is still alive. Include the Master Sword in the game, and place it in a grove similar to the one in which the Master Sword is found in Triforce so people think that there is some kind of connection between that game and Princess.

• (June 23, 2007) The Official "The Legend of Zelda" Timeline as of the release of Hourglass of Infinity [Phantom Hourglass]: There is still no timeline. There are only story arcs between the plots of some games, and similarities in plots between other games. Next month, lie and say that this document has a detailed timeline with all of the games, just like Miyamoto did in 2003. Fans will then believe there is an official timeline, and none of them will give up timeline bitching.

• (August 5, 2008) The new Zelda for the Wii will fuck with fanboy's heads: Make this game take place after Princess that ends in a way that lead to Ocarina. It will create a circular timeline that will make timeline fags explode. Also, throw in some references to Link being into beastiality, and relate it to Hourglass.

[edit] Gallery

It's Dangerous to Go Alone! View These!

Nintendo always delivers on time. The epic final scene of Ocarina of Time. It'll come in handy later.

[Collapse Gallery] [Expand Gallery] 0

Link as an infant in Philop's fucked up mind. Link conquers Ganondorf in the only way he knows how. Link in the now. He's Link. Early prototype Link when you told him you're not gay Link's forgotten siblings Concept art of Link. Srsly. Hot. Advertising the secret drag level. The lame get lamer. Fanart. Photoshop'd for realism. Moar Rule 34 Midna IRL. No really, it is. Link and Midna on their way to the next dungeon. Legend of lesbian? Michael Jackson guest starring as a zombie. Fangirls freak out when they find out there's a heavily pixillated scene of Link without his shirt on I'm not sure how to feel. I want to punch her for cosplaying and have sex with her for being hot at the same time!

[edit] See also

• LINK MAH BOIIIII
• Midna
• Nintendo
• Super Mario
• Cosplay
• Otaku

[edit] Video Links

• It's a montage
• Intro to the best Zelda game ever.
• Ending to the best Zelda game ever.
• A high-quality commercial for the Zelda games.
• Tribute to the greatness of the Zelda games series, part 1.
• Part two to the above.
• The intro to one of the most successful high-quality Zelda games.
• The ending to one of the most successful high-quality Zelda games.
• Zelda game review.
• Commercial for the NES Zelda game "with EXCELLENT graphics!"
• OMFG U MADE FUN OF LINK BY IMITATING HIM EXACTLY.]
• FAT, FATTY, OBESE, ARMS, etc. - (video isn't there, GOD DAMN YOU JEWTUBE!)]
• Typical Zelda Faggots Make TL;DW Movie
• The Angry Nintendo Nerd made a video about the screwed up Zelda timeline. NOW the Zelda timeline interests me!

[edit] External Links

• Piss off zelda fags
• A Cosplayer who thinks he is Link
• Source of the "Gannon-Banned" meme

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